A fine piece of {shit} Internet Marketing recently featured on The Colbert Report. Congrats to Bill Heid for being mocked on cable :: an honor for which there should be an associated medal or something.
Bill has been running commercials during Glen Beck’s totally reasonable show for his totally reasonable product :: The Survival Seed Bank.  $150 for some seeds that will finally allow you to plant that “Crisis Garden” that you’ve always dreamt of in your nightmares {Disclaimer:  The preceding should not be interpreted to imply that a “Crisis …

Read the book of Genesis again :: then Exodus :: then Leviticus :: then Numbers :: then Deuteronomy.  OMG! You are so bored now.  You know what you should do instead?  Have a sandwich.  You should definitely have a sandwich.  And then you should go for a walk :: steal a dog if you don’t already have one.  But stay the fuck away from Genesis :: it’s kind of the weird part :: and give the chop chop to The Book of Revelation as well {once you’ve been boiled in …

Running low on your supply of James Arthur Ray? Miss the spray on tan and empty blood shot eyes?  Longing for the tucked in t-shits and shorts {with belt and baby bump}? Been too long since someone told you something someone else already said better?  Well then you’re in Harmonic Luck™ :: because this President’s Day ONLY the Droid Turd Shop e-Portal-2.0-Hub™ is offering 50% {or more} off ALL of our Death Ray related products. My fake secretary Debbie says I’m crazy for letting these items go at such rock …

Run Tellman Run :: at the mouth :: constantly run at the fucking mouth.  Tellman Knudson has been unable to stop running his yapper for YEARS.  He could run his ignorant mouth incessantly for 3 months :: without ever taking a breath … or saying a goddamn thing.  It’s a gift really :: like being born with a tail.
Recently Tellman decided that running at the legs was probably just as easy as running at the mouth.  He announced :: with much fake fan fare :: that he’d be running across …

Question :: Who is Jeff “Herschy” Schwerdt?
Answer :: Nobody.
That is technically the correct answer :: but it’s a bit short :: expandification required …
Jeff “SkidMark” Schwerdt is the Father {aka non-vaginal birth giver} of the Cash Flow Funnel. This is an “Extremely Limited Offer” :: in that almost nothing is on offer.  Get in NOW before it flows the rest of the way down Jeff’s leg and on to the ground :: wisdom lost forever!
But Jeff is not just about funnels and regulating his flow.  He also describes himself as …

Is Internet Marketing on Life Support? Ryan Healy thinks maybe it is :: But I fucking hope that it is NOT.  I’ve given clear instructions to the nursing staff that IM is to be strictly DNR.  Let it suffocate while we eat ice cream and giggle.
but but but :: says you {cries :: groans :: screeching}
Silence!  Get over yourselves already. “Internet Marketing” is just a useless us vs. them label that isn’t doing anyone any favors.  Are you individualist entrepreneurs?  Or are you group think :: huddled up :: fragile …

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January has been a busy month for the Vicious Garden Gnome Mike Filsaime.  First he had his big {/little} Internet Marketing Cruise :: For Pedophiles .. By Pedophiles :: which went over like pancakes dipped in shit.  In the rumors I’m starting … the whole thing was a money losing disaster of paranoia and uncomfortable sex.  Loneliness in numbers :: yours for the low low price of EVERYTHING.
But now it’s time to party like it’s 1899!
:: Affiliate Appreciation Weekend ::
Explain it to us Gnome …

“I am spending about $100,000 on …

James Arthur Ray :: and his herpes infested tongue :: has been refusing to answer questions for several months now.  You might think that’s because he’s a spineless fucking coward and the hypocrite of the century … and you’d be right.
But Death Ray has been doing his own O.J. style “investigation” into the deaths he knows he caused. This week saw the release of two “white papers” which are the first work product from that fake-hunt for truth.  “White Papers” is a strange way to describe what turns out to …

Each year the tiny town of GnomeVille has a pissing contest :: literally.  The winner of the contest gets to spend several decades selling used cars in what the GardenGnomes call :: “the big people world!” :: One such lil’ pissin’ champion was turdy little troll {because even gnomes can be trolls} Mike Filsaime.  After pissin’ big :: Mike did something none of the other gnomes had ever done :: he quit selling used cars. The Vicious Garden Gnome thought he could make more money by selling nothing :: for …

20 fucking 10 has officially arrived!! Three cheers for sequential numbering systems! Hip Hip … oh just forget it.
This nascent decade of our hopeful new millennium … has sucked some serious ass.  Let’s just put it behind us … and move forward.
Step One in Operation Move Forward :: Pay your 2009 taxes to the blood sucking Man {so he can funnel it to the black hole banks} :: and then hide your ledger at the bottom of your storage closet so you can forget all about the year that people …