Eben Pagan

Hulk Hogan Sex Tape Prequel

Do you want to see Hulk Hogan 5.0 having sex with some lady who should oughta be bein’ faithful to Bubba the Love Sponge?

Do you want Kathy Bates to hobble you with a dragon bone seriously infected with the hantavirus?

Shirly those two questions are equivalents?

Was that last question a question?

Anywayz :: turd spewing pageview whoring turd site Gawker :: whose […]

Syndicates on The Verge

So I’m totally famous now … I can haz u monies?

Last year Engadget left AOL to become The Verge :: because AOL is like one of the stupidest things that’s ever happened … and if you breathe in their fumes for too long you’ll turn into a raging idiot addicted to teeth whiteners. Says David Carr in his NYTimes […]

MiniMork and Mindie Kniss

NotDoctor Sean Stephenson :: BFF of James Arthur Ray :: was recently engaged to the lovely Mindie Kniss. He told us about it {above} while in California speaking at the SANG conference. SANG is a totally innocent networking group cofounded by legend of black business :: and founder of Black America Online :: Stephen “Roc” Pierce.

Little connections like that […]

How to Sell to Linda

http://vimeo.com/15299782

Linda Eaves is Naomi Dunford’s bitch :: according to Linda Eaves.

Being the bitch of a know-nothing loser is not recommended by The Salty Droid :: but my recommendations are rarely taken because I’m just a unicorn hater. If unicorns aren’t real :: then real life is real … and nobody wants to believe that depressing shit.

After an hour-long […]

Eben Pagan :: Self-Made PROBLEMS

Seems wrong to talk about anything other than Egypt right now :: but that’s not the sort of thing I talk about. Fake robotics is only in its infancy :: and global politics is a highly advanced function. Still :: I’ve prepared a few words …
“Fuck you Hosni Mubarak :: you fucking fuck!
Go away …
… twenty years ago.
I fart […]

Syndicate Shit Storm

2010 started off with so much fake hope :: not to mention a beautiful wedding between two sick old pricks smelling of rot. Oh the memories … it’s costing me so much to have them removed. Things got a little out of hand that night … and I shouldn’t have been yelling “SPANK HER!” like I was … I’m […]

Frank Kern’s Traitor Union

“Syndicate is a fancy way of saying trade union.”

Says Frank Kern :: famed connoisseur of fancy talk. Fancy talk :: fancy cat food :: fancy flip fops … only the fucking fanciest for Frank.

This past March :: during The Syndicate’s launch of Frank Kern’s List Control :: I wrote a sweet post that RickRolled all y’all.  Given the fake drama that […]

The Syndicated Comments

{smoke still clearing}

Hi again!

So badguys … how you like me now?

The Internet Marketing Syndicate post {plus comments} currently has a word count of 54,000. The first 1500 words are fucking priceless {natch!}. The quality of the remaining 52,500 is … let’s say … highly variable. So :: for the second time :: the comments are the post.

Congratulations on the […]

The Internet Marketing Syndicate

The Syndicate.

That’s what they call themselves.  The Syndicate.  Like if they built a fucking tree house {which they probably did} :: then they used a wood burner to carve that name over the extra wide door. The Syndicate. “Look Mom we named our club! It’s a name and a description … we’re super smart like that.”

The Syndicate is a […]

Annihilating Kilstein

Not-Doctor Harlan D. Kilstein has very little to be proud of in his miserable excuse for a life.  His “career” in education was suspiciously short and full of bridge burning failures.  His unfortunate body shape {known as The Mutated Potato} makes waddling his tremendously lumpy ass a necessity. His digestive system was described by one imaginary {and quite unprofessional} […]