The Salty Droid» Scams

The Teeny Tiny Turtle Tyrant

SD — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 21:33:28 +0000

Turtles are like the only cute reptile … but that doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Some turtles are real assholes.

Out-of-control bastard turtles is something the lamestream media refuses to cover … too busy sucking off the frogs one supposes. No matter :: picking up the slack for sloppy :: lazy :: useless fucks is what I do … right Dateline?

Anywayz :: video of turtles fighting! {music by The Capstan Shafts}

>> FTW!!!

Speaking of turtles … as I just was … just now … right above this here. Turtles … remember? God your stupid!

Anywayz again :: they’ve featured here before … Graphic Turtles

… and probably will again. Better watch your fucking back{shells} turtles!

>> bleep bloop

Picture of Jeff Johnson’s Traffic Voodoo 2.0 Vagina

SD — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 01:27:05 +0000

Part 2 in my vacation series of award winning non-posts …

In Part 1 we explored how Frank Kern was dead inside … but still oozing green pus … or something.

In Part 2 we examine how Jeff Johnson :: whose “Traffic Voodoo 2.0: Unstoppable Traffic” frauduct launch is up next for The Syndicate :: wears a pretty flower on his fanged face vagina … or something.

Gnomes ain’t down with vaginas … or something.

Traffic Voodoo 2.0

Jeff Johnson

Gnome

vagina

dot com

Traffic VooDoo

2.0

vagina

… or something

>> bleep bloop

Picture of Frank Kern

SD — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 18:21:49 +0000

The Salty Droid is on “vacation” this week … trying on the equally ironic role of Uncle Jason.

I saw this Picture of Dorian Gray :: and it reminded me of you mother fucking mother fuckers.

Stay golden {slash tarnished}!

>> bleep bloop

Shotguns and Fancy Pants

SD — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 04:11:11 +0000

Everyone’s asking the same question right now :: do sweatpants qualify as actual pants?

No … they don’t. Do they feel like pants … or do they feel like freedom? Exactly! :: think before you ask questions people.

In other news :: some half-wit … half-cocked … half-ass suggests that death by shotgun would be an appropriate end to my Salty Droiding™.

Whatevs! {rolls tri-eyes}

“Sounds like a threat! You should report him to The Man … ” says all y’all.

Nah.

Fuck him … don’t care. This is the dude … some oldster from an irrelevant island nation. Robert hates me and wants me dead. He thinks I’m a liar out to smear the “good guys” {like Paulie Sabol … right Robert?}. He won’t see the group unicorn made into a keychain on his fucking “watch” … so he echos back the vile that drips from the tops of the walls in this stink hole …

Well guess what Robert? I’m here to save your sorry ass anyway … ha! … suck it!

Nobody asks for an intervention.

From Hello World :: until this weekend :: The Droid has been threatened by sad minion after sadder minion. It’s such a foolish mistake to threaten someone with violence … no less an agitating activist who knows EXACTLY how to put the hammer down. Oh so stupid … like a potential life ruiner. Yet to date … 100% of threats have been rolled off the fucking back. The Droid knows that waking up is hard to do …

… still :: don’t push your luck assholes.

Speaking of pushing luck :: assholes :: and reporting shit to the authorities … The Syndicate.

Damn near every time something awesomely horrible is exposed around here :: peeps cry out for The Droid to report the matter to this or that authority. Why don’t I ever do it?

Simple :: I don’t know. How you like that answer suckas?!

Thing is … does that really help? Do you see the government fixing anything … ever? And … one assumes {probably naively} that the majority of enforcers aren’t just jerking off all the time while Rome is burning. They have their own priorities :: limited and shrinking budgets :: and infinite supply of badguys.

Exposure :: humiliation :: conversation :: social infiltration :: that’s my plan … that’s my part. The Man gotz Google too … and when he calls … I answer. But as a general rule … I ain’t here to dial 911.

But what good are rules without exceptions?

*cough* The Syndicate *cough*

Too far is too far.

“What’s going to happen to The Syndicate now that the zombie cat is out of the bag?” says the same people who asked about the sweatpants.

The Syndicate is going to be destroyed … and its members are going to be called to account for their sins against humanity … so help me robot god. Many foolish fools failed to heed repeated warnings. They misinterpreted patience as weakness … a mistake they’re each going to have plenty of time to regret.

The key moments of decision are approaching for those on the edges. Which side are you on? Do you say yea or nay to manipulative exploitation? Your answers are in your actions. “They” could speak to the market and ruin your business … I understand that. I totally understand that. But now so can I …

Choose your side wisely bitches!

>> bleep bloop

Frank Kern Underachieving

SD — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 09:25:40 +0000

An anonymous citizen sent me a video :: thank you citizen. I fixed it up a bit :: made it shorter :: and added the d-bag theme song … but it was otherwise not my handy work.

Irwin F. Kern speaking at he and Ed Dale’s “Underachiever” seminar in the loathsome and marsupial bespeckled land of Australia :: circa 2004.

Irwin explains how he got started in Internet Marketing. It’s an inspirational story … like the virgin birth. Except replace the virgin with a dead hooker … and replace the baby Jesus with the rights to reprint a Yanik Silver e-book.

According to Irwin :: Frank hadn’t made a penny online before he put up the Instant Internet Empires site in 2001. The archive of the site can be found here {sometimes}. In spite of Irwin’s complete lack of success :: Frank starts the sales letter off with a six figure income claim {and a hideous grammar error!} …

… and ends with an FTC action.

“Instant Internet Empires” touted the money-making potential of five pre-packaged Internet businesses, promising that buyers could make more than $115,000 a year using the product. According to the FTC, for their $47.77 investment, consumers received the right to reproduce the defendants’ Web site and the right to try to resell its contents to other consumers. The FTC alleged that to achieve the promised $115,000 in earnings, consumers each would have to sell the product to 2,400 additional consumers, who would each need to sell to 2,400 additional consumers to achieve the same earnings, and so on. According to the FTC, by the third generation of the scheme, participants would need to make a total of 13,829,760,000 sales, more than twice the earth’s population, for each of them to achieve the advertised earnings.

Frank didn’t make four figures online until he started lying about making six.

>> bleep bleep

Frank Kern’s Traitor Union

SD — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 11:58:58 +0000

“Syndicate is a fancy way of saying trade union.”

Says Frank Kern :: famed connoisseur of fancy talk. Fancy talk :: fancy cat food :: fancy flip fops … only the fucking fanciest for Frank.

This past March :: during The Syndicate’s launch of Frank Kern’s List Control :: I wrote a sweet post that RickRolled all y’all. Given the fake drama that surrounds me … it was an especially epic RickRoll for which I should win some sort of prize {but I won’t because the judges are racist against robots!}. That post also had several secret messages to the assholes … including this first … and only … explicit reference to The Syndicate before last Thursday’s bombshell.

“I used to think that success in this industry was all about getting into The Syndicate :: where prices and social value could be fixed without reference to reality. But I see now that I was wrong. It’s obviously all about whatever Frank teaches in his new digital-only wonder product List Control.”

Lots of graphically depicted retards showed up for the hilarity of the RickRoll … but they couldn’t help hearing something that everyone knows but no one says. Other buttons were pushed that same week … robots are surprisingly good whisperers.

Sheeple started asking unpleasantly specific questions. Is there a syndicate? wtf?

A few weeks later in the last module of List Control :: Irwin answers the questions. There is a syndicate … but it’s just a fancy word for trade union.

Because wikipedia currently says …

“The word syndicate comes from the French word syndicat which means trade union …”

OMG … what an idiot! That’s the best he can do?

A word’s meaning and its 17th Century French origin are not necessarily related. For instance :: the word advertisement comes from the French word avertissement which means warning. So I guess advertisement is a fancy way of saying warning. A very fancy way … a completely nonsensically fancy way.

Captain: The ship is going down … sound an advertisement to the crew!

1st Mate: Excuse me sir?

Captain: Sound the fucking advertisement man … lives are at stake!

{crackle} “Ever wish you had whiter teeth and a rock hard ass? Well now you can …”

{ship sinks … everyone dies … thanks for nothing fancy talk}

But let’s assume for a minute that it would be linguistically acceptable to substitute a word’s origin for its meaning.

STILL DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!!

A trade union is a labor union you dipshit! You bunch of twits are supposed to be “entrepreneurs” … business owners … hirers of labor. You can’t form a trade union when you’re capital. Or does business coach to “high net worth individuals” Frank Kern not even understand the difference between labor and capital?

Now let’s go all the way to crazy town and pretend like business owners could form labor unions without logic imploding into a wormhole. Well sadly for Frank & Crooks :: they still sound fucking terrible because trade unions needed a special exemption so that they wouldn’t get screwed under the antitrust laws. 15 U.S.C § 17 …

“Nothing contained in the antitrust laws shall be construed to forbid the existence and operation of labor, agricultural, or horticultural organizations, instituted for the purposes of mutual help, and not having capital stock or conducted for profit …”

The act of organizing is so suspect :: and the antitrust laws so broad :: that the forming of trade unions would be a sticky situation without this exception.

But The Syndicate isn’t a trade union … it’s a syndicate. A corrupt :: and corrupting :: cartel whose primary products are fraud and misery. No adequate defense for this betrayal will be forthcoming … because none exists. They pretended to be your teachers :: friends :: mentors :: and partners. But the whole time … the WHOLE time … they were laughing at you. Laughing while they ground you up like meat.

Here’s Irwin :: Debbie DeAngelo :: and Frauduct Launch Walker cackling about their sins a couple of years ago …

… fuck you assholes!

That’s just a fancy way of saying … fuck you assholes!

>> bleep bloop

The Syndicated Comments

SD — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 11:54:17 +0000

{smoke still clearing}

Hi again!

So badguys … how you like me now?

The Internet Marketing Syndicate post {plus comments} currently has a word count of 54,000. The first 1500 words are fucking priceless {natch!}. The quality of the remaining 52,500 is … let’s say … highly variable. So :: for the second time :: the comments are the post.

Congratulations on the epic honor of making the cut … your fake check is in the mail {no it isn’t!}.

@Cosmic Connie ::

“Good work, SD. You have illuminated the apparent business model not only for some of the top players in IM but also for the related and oft-overlapping New-Wage/selfish-help/McSpirituality industries. There are “cartels” everywhere, it seems. Which, it seems, is precisely your point.”

@anti-syndicate

“They’ve since had a few big pow-wows. One the day after kern’s second mass control event at his office. You can get a sense of who is in the group (and who isn’t) based on who attended and spoke – although there was one or two speakers who are not members of the syndicate. Reese, Belcher, Deiss, Mulligan, Filsaime, Walker, Kern, Koenigs, Pagan, Jenkins, Fallon, Johnson are all members.

They coordinate launches – with an actual calendar. They coordinate launch themes so nobody steps on anyone else’s toes and everyone can promote one after the other. They decide who is going to promote who and when they’ll do it”

@ballsack

“Let’s stop for a minute. Ed Dale promotes all the syndicate offers, yet when his loyal followers produce a business that can genuinely help people, he DOESN’T promote them, but strings them along and suggests that if they scratch his back (by working on the challenge for free), maybe he’ll scratch theirs. WTF?!?

… He is going public with a company based on stabbing people in the back, and he is planning on using his stock to “buy” people’s businesses for peanuts.”

@Ed Dale scam

“If anyone dares to ask any immediate edge member for proof of their success (as I did) and then asks awkward questions like “is anyone actually making any money?” they get run out of town faster than you can say “scam”.”

There are many comments that paint Ed Dale in the dull light of a rotten pink thong … and many defenders hiding behind proxy servers :: sounding emotionally disturbed :: and stinking of the same thong.

@Nuisance to the Douche-ance {writes a song for Mike Filsaime}

“Don’t make me call Pauli Sabol, (smiles)
I’ll put your kids on a cruise with that pedophile
I need to buy more drugs and hair plugs
So, I’m gonna get my money by connin’ you ‘nugs”

@Name Unimportant {on Syndicate “bonuses”}

“For example, when one launches their pricey product promoted by their cronies, they eventually (and sometimes shortly thereafter) give away their once high-priced product as a free bonus during a colleague’s subsequent launch.

It’s infuriating to me to see people paying several thousands of dollars for a product during one big launch, only to see it being given away as a free bonus, less than a few months later, as an incentive to buy from their affiliate link for another crony’s big launch.”

@Slick {on the same}

“By having each affiliate add bonuses to their packages…the question of whether to buy or not psychologically (and emotionally) shifts to: “WHICH ONE should I buy?” as opposed to just whether to buy or not. ‘Which one’. Not ‘should I’?”

@SyndicateExposed {who very well might be a lunatic}

“Eben Pagan looks like the biggest pussy I’ve ever seen. I feel like I could actually come up to him, put my hand in his pocket, take out his wallet and walk away with him explaining the evolutionary & psychological reasoning and analysis for my crime.”

Pagan gets beat to death with wet noodle :: News at 11.

Former StomperNet honcho Dan Theis left a long comment regarding where to draw the criminal line in the criminal sand. He makes some okay points … but all I’m going remember is this …

@Dan Thies

“Does the Syndicate exist? Yes, it does – it’s been one of the worst-kept secrets in Internet Marketing for a few years now.

{yada yada}

In my opinion, the Internet Marketing “industry” is broken and sick, and would be so if none of your targets had ever gotten into the business.”

@SomeGuy

“I am not happy with some of the stuff I promoted in the past. I did it because otherwise they wouldn’t promote me and it was crucial for my product to be success. The fact is I have so much information about this industry that would put a lot of them behind bars. I have been to the affiliate parties and I know exactly what goes on there and how the deals are made. You should guys hear how they talk about their customers. It’s sickening.”

@Ken

“This is all funny. And the reality is that Kern ran out of money last year… Eben Pagen lives in a shit hole and really has about 7 employees and not hundreds like he tells people and the rest of them have to continuously con people because they could not run or build a business if their life depended on it.”

@WHAT’S THE REALITY HERE?

“How do you feel about Kern saying they are all just USING YOU to spread the word and provide (manufactured) “social proof” to get people to buy almost EXCLUSIVELY from the SYNDICATE MEMBERS instead of you?

He’s admitting you are LOCKED OUT and are just being used. Your efforts are doomed because you can’t be a member of his private “syndicate.”

This is really quite a revelation, and should be extremely upsetting to anyone who is, or ever has been an affiliate.”

@Pepe

“If you’re another online marketer, why are you going to sit on your ass while these guys run you out of the marketplace? They are smiling in your face and plotting your demise behind your back. THIS IS WELL DOCUMENTED BY THE DROID. WAKE UP.”

@Mock Me Baby {on why FTC actions are so scary}

“1. They are a civil agency and therefore you do not have a RIGHT to legal representation. OUCH.

2. They have many Court Opinions that give them the right to FREEZE ALL YOUR ASSETS BEFORE YOU EVEN GO TO COURT. And these injunctions and freezes specifically say you cannot spend any of your money on an attorney. OUCH.”

@Phil {sad}

“If only I’d found this site sooner, I’m one of their victims who has been cleaned out by them.

I have lost my life savings to the IM guru’s in this so called syndicate, I’ve bought all the $2,000 courses, upsells etc – you name it I have probably bought it.

I’ve recently been feeling suicidal and been suffering depression because of the amounts of money I have lost to these guys.

All in all I’ve lost around $100,000 since 2007, I know a lot of it is my fault but this is a nasty addiction like gambling – once you get sucked in it is hard to escape from their clutches.

Like a true sucker I bought Perpetual Traffic Formula, this is my last hope of recovering some of the money I’ve lost to these guys.

I wish I could get all my money back somehow from all these IM gurus, can’t believe how stupid I have been.”

@End of the Tunnel {in response … very nice … but also sad}

“*** And that Deiss course in your hands right now is CRAP. ***

His course will not help you. Get your refund NOW. Get out, get out of the MENTAL TRAP that keeps you thinking the next one’s gonna do it. It’s not. You’re not going to make money online with their shit. That’s why they focus so much on “mindset” and “manifesting”… it traps you in your own mind so you don’t question their methods. Rather than try their bullshit traffic-getting advice and see it’s shit, you end up staring at yourself in the mirror beating yourself up, wondering what part of your subconscious is holding you back.

The truth is, their failed advice is holding you back. They design it like cliffhanger TV shows, always promising the carrot and never giving it.

So focus a little energy on getting that refund. Focus the rest on getting work if you don’t have any, and on taking care of yourself. Spend time with people you love. Realize you made a mistake that MANY other people have made, and show yourself some compassion for it.

You’ll look back on this part of your life as a dark place you escaped from.

The light at the end of *my* tunnel is that losing two years of my life to these jokers has made me serious for the first time in 10 years about going back to school. I don’t know what yours will be.

It’ll be something. Something good.”

And @Marc :: who started like this …

“This is the most insidious place ever.”

… and finished :: after much vitriol :: like this …

“I guess I was trying to hide the fact that I know all too well how easy it is to waste a year or two when you’re subscribed to every marketing list imaginable…

Cause maybe I did it myself… fuck. That’s hard to admit…

… maybe I’ve been drinking too much Kool-Aid lately and dind’t know it until I read End of Tunnel’s post that shit was more embarrassing to me than anything else”

… and who is forgiven by me.

Taking us out on a teaser for the next post … long time commenter @Rafael Marquez …

“It’s all about semantics. I love how he says “trade union” over and over instead of the more evil and sinister sounding “gang,” “cartel” or “co-conspirators””

>> bleep bleep

The Internet Marketing Syndicate

SD — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 11:07:53 +0000

The Syndicate.

That’s what they call themselves. The Syndicate. Like if they built a fucking tree house {which they probably did} :: then they used a wood burner to carve that name over the extra wide door. The Syndicate. “Look Mom we named our club! It’s a name and a description … we’re super smart like that.”

The Syndicate is a cartel at the center of the get rich quick world of Internet Marketing. Each of the members tries to pass himself off as a freewheeling entrepreneur. An individual rising above :: a rogue :: fighting back against the workaday ways of our corpo-centric suburbanized society. Each sells a version of this easy freedom in a bottle to seekers … the sadder the seeker … the better. But the dream :: like the cake :: is a lie. Success in “the industry” correlates not with value :: individuality :: or effort … but with proximity to a toxic core whose basic operations constitute a serious felony and moral failing.

The Syndicate keeps prices high :: and dissent low. The Syndicate all but eliminates marketplace competition. Individuals or businesses inside of Internet Marketing who act against the interests of The Syndicate risk their financial futures. The Syndicate uses tough :: tasteless :: and intimidating tactics to defend against what it sees as threats to its unrightful domain. Many know about The Syndicate but are afraid to speak for fear of reprisals. Most do not know … but are never the less deeply affected by the cultural tone set by the group.

The Droid has known about The Syndicate for more than a year. Readers who have found my targeting system perplexing can now bask in the sweet light of understanding. Most of my actions have been in some way calculated to damage and/or undermine the cohesion and effectiveness of this nasty little club of cheater cheater pumpkin eaters. And while publicly exposing :: and naming the names :: of individuals involved in a secret crime is a tricky and risky business {even for a badass robot} … I have long been sowing the seeds of social disturbance in private.

The delay in printing the story was about caution :: detail accumulation and verification :: and various still secret strategies. But mostly it was about me knowing that you wouldn’t believe me. I’m just a success hater on a witch hunt … blah blah blah. I needed someone reputable who had first hand knowledge to go on the record :: rather than my normal accumulation of publicly available evidence. There haven’t been any takers for my “Hey :: why not shoot yourself in the face?” offer.

Meanwhile :: The Syndicate knows I know … because I told them. Lots of times :: and in lots of fun {for me!} and spunky ways. They likely don’t understand the full gravity of the situation … but sleep has been lost … and many a plan has been changed. Perhaps it was this unsettling fear of my knowledge … and the growing sense of mutiny {which I have been seeding!} … that led Frank Kern to make a horrible mistake … or maybe his narcissism has fully consumed his intelligence. I don’t know :: but whatever the cause :: Frank Kern and The Syndicate fucked up massively.

Here :: from the last “module” of List Control :: is Frank Kern’s own description of The Syndicate. It’s inexplicably packaged as advice you should apply to your own business! If you know anything about antitrust law … your jaw is about to hit the fucking floor. And if you don’t know anything about antitrust law … don’t worry … cause after the video I’m gonna splain it to ya.

Thanks Irwin Frank Kern :: that really made my job a hell of a lot easier.

America’s antitrust laws :: aka “competition laws” :: are old :: broad :: and vicious. The Sherman Antitrust Act :: still the governing statute :: was passed in 1890. Here is the language of its main provision :: 15 U.S.C. § 1 …

“Every contract, combination in the form of trust or otherwise, or conspiracy, in restraint of trade or commerce among the several States, or with foreign nations, is declared to be illegal. Every person who shall make any contract or engage in any combination or conspiracy hereby declared to be illegal shall be deemed guilty of a felony, and, on conviction thereof, shall be punished by fine not exceeding $100,000,000 if a corporation, or, if any other person, $1,000,000, or by imprisonment not exceeding 10 years, or by both said punishments, in the discretion of the court.”

Many cool kids think this statute is shit because it could be read to include almost anything. But for more than a hundred years these cool kids have been ignored … as amendments to The Act tended to make it even more powerful. The statute has civil provisions which enables individuals {like harmed consumers} to sue with the possibility of triple damages and attorney’s fees. Additionally :: each State has its own laws broadly prohibiting anti-competitive behavior … and the FTC has special enforcement and rule making powers.

Capitalism CANNOT tolerate non-competition :: and the consequences are correspondingly severe.

Frank’s explanation of The Syndicate is a textbook description of anti-competitive behavior! Set up a meeting in a hotel room with your main competitors and think of ways you can help each other make more money? Why in fucks name would you say that into a camera?

At one point in his confession Frank says you shouldn’t use your little anti-competitive club for things like price fixing or market division. Cause that would be wrong. And he’s right about that … you shouldn’t do those things. Those are considered “per se” violations of the law … and it makes the plaintiff or government’s case a breeze.

Market division usually refers to dividing customers by geography. I’ll take Brazil … you take Rwanda. Such arrangements keep supply low :: competition low :: and prices high.

Another way to divide a market is over time … like making sure your product launches and advertising messages don’t overlap … something Frank says you should be doing. The Syndicate keeps a “launch calendar” :: it’s made out well in advance at one of their many meetings. Each member launches a product over an unnaturally short period … keeping supply artificially low. Other members agree not to compete during that time … and to heavily cross promote regardless of the quality of the product.

It looks like this on an Alexa graph …

These are the traffic spikes from the launches of five recent Syndicate frauducts. Andy Jenkins :: Frank Kern :: John Reese :: Jeff Walker :: and Ryan Deiss. This same precise pattern can be traced back to 2005{ish} … no competition allowed!

But what about price fixing? She’s the mother of all bad things. If you’re price fixing … you’re fucked! Period. Even if you only control a small part of a small market … if you get caught agreeing with your competitors to keep prices high … you’re fucked. Out one side of his stupid mouth Frank says “don’t do anything crazy like fix prices” … out the other stupid side he says the whole point of The Syndicate is making lots of money over a short period … and being able to charge “premium” prices.

Unfortunately for Frank and the rest of The Syndicate d-bags … no matter what they may say … the price fixing is so blatantly obvious as to be laughable. If you’ve been around this blog for more than a couple of weeks you already know the current price point … $2000.

Mike Filsaime is next up on The Syndicate launch calendar. Here’s a bit from a recent email he sent out promoting his launch to potential JV’s …

“It will follow the launch style, price point, and course delivery of:

- List Control
- Video Boss
- PLF 2.0
- Outsource Force
- Mike Koenigs last crushing launch.

All of the launches had the same thing in commons.

TOP LEVEL need. Easy message. Similar price Point,
and a need for the marketer to know the information etc.”

First :: that’s not English … it must be a rough translation from garbled Gnome.

Second :: sounds like price fixing to me!

But this situation isn’t just about violations of law. It’s a moral and ethical betrayal of the highest order. The Syndicate :: the “A-Team” :: makes ALL the money. The affiliates :: the “B-Team” {also the primary customers} are led to believe that they too can walk a path to easy riches … but the members of the A-Team know that members of the B-Team only exist to amplify the hype … and to open up their wallets to pay extremely high prices for goods of little to no value.

{word limit exceeded}

… much more to follow.

It’s time for a change.

>> bleep bloop

PS – There are no ladies in The Syndicate.

Ryan Deiss Scam Ryan Diess Scams Ryan Deiss Scammer … SEO

SD — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 00:11:06 +0000

Ryan Deiss’ Perpetual Traffic Formula :: just take a moment to savor the name :: Google that is … I’m talking to you Google GOD DAMN IT. Savor the fucking name!!

“What name?” asks the spirit of Google via a Lily Dale medium.

Great question spirit of Google :: Ryan Deiss’ Perpetual Traffic Formula …

{savoring} {… still savoring} {… savoring dash of smoldering} {and done.}

Ryan Deiss Perpetual Traffic Formula RipOff

{and done for realz.}

Perpetual Traffic Formula REFUNDS

{… resavoring}

Done.

“They” say that 80% of SEO is negging on Google :: keeping her interested but insecure …

Yo Google :: Python’s a cool programming language … open and sophisticated … yet simple and reliable. It’s too bad it makes your ass look so fat in those jeans.

Oh snap! Google blushes … and then … who knows? I don’t kiss and tell {binary style!}.

Okay maybe “they” don’t say that about SEO. It’s pretty stupid actually. I confess to making it all up just now to fill space. Which reminds me of Ryan Deiss and his Perpetual Traffic Formula.

Just a couple of months ago Ryan was talking about how SEO was worthless … and about how badly he sucked at it. He couldn’t keep from getting ripped off three consecutive times …

… and now … oh heavenly wonders … he’s a mother fucking expert.

Or not.

A recent post illustrated :: with graphs and giraffes :: that Ryan wasn’t practicing what he was charging $2000 to preach. The people started talking … mostly about Justin Bieber … but also a little bit about Droid v. Deiss.

Like Mikael at Danish site AntPhilosophy who said …

“Læser du videre på bloggen, så vil du se, at stort set alle indlæg er mere eller mindre negative kommentarer og flere at de meget kendte og populære ”IM guruer” som Frank Kern, Brad Fallon, Tellman Knudson m.fl.”

Exactly! Oh and Mikael :: Jeg er ked af, at Grønland smelter.

Aaron Wall at SEOBook wrote a Ryan Deiss Perpetual Traffic Formula Review …

If you want to buy from a person who *always* has another new product with a secret short cut to sell, Ryan is THE guy.

A ringing endorsement! Who doesn’t love short cuts … especially secret ones? In fact :: I’ll give you my secret short cut for getting ass loads of free traffic … ready? It’s gonna totally blow your mind and change the way Internet Marketing is done FOREVER. The Secret … get a link from Aaron Wall at SEOBook!

It works like this … Aaron links to your blog. Boom! You have way more traffic than normal. Now just do that every day … forever … success!! Incidentally :: read this post of Aaron’s about Internet Marketing more generally :: it’s a classic :: and it has lots of pictures for you lame brains.

To be fair :: some people with a financial interest in the success of this frauduct say that I’m not being fair. How dare I judge Ryan’s marketing capabilities based only on his own words :: and the objective record of his last four product launches. It’s just graphs and videos :: where’s the proof? Maybe Ryan’s the King of perpetual SEO traffic in all his other niches.

“Look before you judge Droid” :: says countless hopeless souls who’ve never bothered to look.

Shut up stupid people! Did you hear me ask for your worthless opinions? Do you see me ending posts with open ended calls to action?

“So what do you guys think of the new iPad? Let me know in the comments below.”

No! GayTastic! Fuck that. If you are going to come in here and shoot your mouth off … make sure that you’re at least half-cocked. But anywayz :: I love being right :: so let’s do look a little deeper into Ryan Deiss’ perpetual free traffic generating prowess. Okay half-cocked dummies?

Ryan’s main site is DrivingScammyTraffic dot com :: he uses it as a hub to push all his other crap. Currently the site’s sidebar pushes the four frauducts discussed in the last Ryan Deiss post. DrivingTraffic gets less than 10% of its total traffic from search. What search traffic there is … comes in from these hot hot keywords …

Of the small percentage of traffic Ryan “drives” to his site with search :: the vast majority is on his name … or on the name of his site. That’s not SEO … that’s easy. Unless your name is “Cheap Digital Camera” … ranking in Google shouldn’t take more than a WordPress site … and a week. And remember that people are searching for “Ryan Deiss” … not because of anything he’s accomplished … but because he is PAYING to get his name out there. Seminars :: JV’s :: email blasts :: ads on every known medium. It’s not free traffic.

What about “make money with social media”? Seems like that could be a valuable term even though it’s driving an inconsequential amount of traffic. But that’s not “free” traffic either. That term is a remnant of Perry and Ryan’s nose-dive of a launch for the Social Media Money System … which was heavily promoted via paid mechanisms. SMMS was another of Ryan’s blatant frauds. “The Secret” unicorn of that $3000 frauduct was supposed to be Twitter follow spamming … as outlined months earlier by red neck woman hater :: and convicted felon :: Perry Belcher in this email to fellow assholes.

Ryan’s site gets top spot in Google for “make money with social media” :: but the hit is to this ancient post of Evil Jowls talking about how he makes money from social media {which he doesn’t!}. The sales funnel for that particular lie has been shut down … so the {minimal} traffic from the search is rendered useless.

Speaking of the infamous Social Media Money System …

Well hello again my little giraffe friend :: fancy meeting you here.

Of course :: Ryan’s also made trillions of dollars in the Forex “business”. Right?

First :: the “traffic” …

… “impressive”. Only 10% from search … and here are the keywords …

Again :: only branded keywords. Nothing general :: free :: perpetual :: or useful.

The hot dog cash market?

Okay :: Next!

Ice cream truck secrets? In it to SEO win it?

That’s a shame.

Maybe Fat Nathan’s 3XMethod can be the savior … as some genius over at the Warrior Forum suggested without looking.

Non-perpetual non-traffic …

… and the useless keywords that your dead grandma could rank for …

… and how!

Look Mom :: I rank #1 in Google for “Evil Jowls” :: a keyword phrase that I myself made up. I’m prolly gonna win an SEO Emmy for it or something. Here comez them Internet monies!

Facts :: try sucking on the them … they’re delicious.

>> bleep {ryan diess scam ryan deiss fraud SEO ryan deiss google ryan deiss SEO} bloop

Dear Salty Droid

SD — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 10:26:26 +0000

Since The Salty Droid’s momentous Hello World twenty glorious months ago :: many an irritated d-bag has opined about the relative value of this site to society. Droid protocol dictates that these flaming turd flingers :: and piss poor propagandists :: be briefly slapped about the face … and then largely ignored. But perhaps that’s unfair :: perhaps more of an effort should be made to reach around to the other side :: and to respond genuinely to genuine criticisms.

The following letter has been remixed and assembled exclusively from the many nega-comments left on this site by d-bags :: proxies :: and trolls {oh my!}. On the one hand :: they don’t like criticism. On the other {ironic} hand :: everyone’s a fucking critic.

Dear Salty Droid,

The world could breathe easier if you would just cease to exist.

Instead of spending your time on hate and anger be the better man if you really think you have anything to offer but negative controversy. You should try being more productive and do something positive in this world than just throw out negative.

Your nothing but a punk. You coward ass lying sack of shit. You know they’re gonna make you pay boy. You’re gonna be spending the rest of your life bent over grabbing your ankles. You are ruining peoples income, sites like this should be banned.

Man, I honestly can’t believe you can sit in your grandmothers basement typing this B.S. All the guys you are knocking are successful marketers. Without them, you would NOT EVEN HAVE A WEBSITE. If you can “bleep bloop” your sorry retrofitted special-ed processors into seeing that without their success, you would have NOTHING. That’s not robotic – that’s how a certain living organism operates – a PARASITE.

Word on the street is you had to move (into your parent’s basesment) because of your junky addiction, and you were without internet access because you pawned your computer for a couple of hits.

I’ve been trying to figure out whether you mean for this blog to be taken seriously. I think I have my answer–we both know (or at least I know–do you?) that attacks on a person’s appearance are the kind of bitchy school-girl taunts people fall back on when they have no real ammunition.

No intelligent person can take you seriously when you write this stuff. I don’t have a fucking clue what the hell you just tried to say in this rambling bizarre post. Your writing and analysis is so one-dimensional that it lampoons itself.

You don’t even have the balls to show your face. I know you were the guy that got picked on in high school and your mommy cleaned your wounds on a daily basis from your ASS BEATINGS, but this is the real world now. All you have is a broke ass website.

The only person trying to ‘hurt’ someone else is Salty here…slander and words can hurt just as much as physical pain/financial pain. Luckily, nobody really cares what he has to say. What the bloody hell is the point of this site anyway? It doesn’t sell anything so is just a waste of time.

I should kick you, beat your face in, shove a dilido up your ass (i know youll LOVE that), cut your salty chode off and feed it to u and then shoot you in your fucking head!!!

Even if Belcher is totally guilty, you’re more of a sick loser than he is.

The world would be a better place without you in it. You’re the only “D-Bag” mentioned on this entire site. Do something with your life and get out of your mother’s basement.

Blessings and Success,

CollectiveBadguys

Thank you D-bags :: that was lovely and productive. I have taken a few moments to consider your considerations :: and I’ve decided :: BiteMe!

But that’s all very negative. We mustn’t be negative lest the flames of everlasting unicorn wealth be blown out by the winds of our blackened chakras. So let’s end with a more upbeat comment quote. This one left by my very own :: oft mentioned :: Mother {link} …

“Salty, I bet your Mom is proud of you – – even if you do live in her basement!”

Much success!

>> bleep bloop