OMFG … I’m back bitches!
{applause}
I know :: I was gone for a longish time … and you missed me muchly. How were you supposed to remember not to put your tongue on the hot stove without me around to fake robotic fake mother you?
{applesauce}
I know.
Oh well :: I’m sure you’ll be fine … time heals all {tongue} wounds. I was never particularly interested in what you had to say with your tongue anyway. Why listen to you … when we could be listening to me instead?
Right?
I know.
Bad time for me to …

Do you want to see Hulk Hogan 5.0 having sex with some lady who should oughta be bein’ faithful to Bubba the Love Sponge?
Do you want Kathy Bates to hobble you with a dragon bone seriously infected with the hantavirus?
Shirly those two questions are equivalents?
Was that last question a question?
Anywayz :: turd spewing pageview whoring turd site Gawker :: whose mission is all about smearing turds all around everywhere turd style … is pretty sure you need this sex tape in your life.

“We watch this footage because it’s something we’re not …

Brain poisoning manipulator Jeff Walker is product launching his Product Launch Formula for the fifty-thousandth time :: but this time it’s different … because this time the all new PLF is thrice dipped in shit. That’s more than twice the previous once!
… and you can too!
You can read Syndicate member :: and obvious scammer … Jeff Walker’s sales page for PLF.3.ShitDip over on Forbes …

Yes — it’s a new day when a common man barely earning enough to scrape by and feed his family can leverage the Internet into an empire responsible for $400 …

Plus three years ago :: I didn’t find out about the death of Colleen Conaway until it was too late to stop the deaths of James Shore … Liz Neuman … and Kirby Brown. It hurts to think about how different things might have been if I’d have noticed sooner … if I’d have seen Jason Moffatt’s friend Greg Hartle’s tweet about the end of Colleen … or if someone would have whispered to me about Death Ray’s silencing of Andy Grant’s attempt to talk about his trauma at watching Colleen …

 
Anthony Morrison uses the television to tell people about how HUGE he is on the Interwebs. But most Internet people :: like you people :: have never heard of him. Loving the Internet really cuts into time spent watching shitty 3am infomercials … and fake web-star Morrison has almost no real web presence.
The infomercial is a fake show hosted by Chicken Soup for the Hole dipshit Mark Victor Hansen {pictured here mounting Anthony for reasons I’d better not get into}.

Mark Victor Hansen :: like fellow Soup for the Hole heroes …

FUCK YOU James Arthur Ray :: you motherfucking motherfucker!!
I’m back bitches!  Believe it!
Longest break ever :: but you stupids just kept clicking like a bunch of sheeple :: so I guess I’ll do what I want! No consequences!
Exclamation points!!
Remember when James Arthur Ray got convicted of negligent homicide?  Yeah … it was so awesome.
Fuck you James Arthur Ray :: you suck monkey! Did I already say that? Sorry :: I’m just passionate :: like Luis Li … except in a non-douchey-poser kind of way.
Self-imposed “ban on senselessly excessive profanity while covering …

I’m back!
… sort of.
… not really.
… leave me alone!
… not really.
… sort of.
Weddings are like a whole big thing :: and I have responsibilities :: for instance … standing around next to cakes looking menacing for my size.
Convicted felon James Arthur Ray {ah … that felt good} :: is still out on bail while he awaits sentencing {which prolly won’t happen until next month because America is stupid}. This week the State will call witnesses in an effort to prove “aggravating factors” that will allow for a longer maximum sentence. But the ultimate length of …

Sometimes white ladies kill their babies :: they probably don’t mean it as a favor to CNN … but it is one.
Last week the State of Arizona completed its case against James Death Ray.  CNN is no longer covering the trial because they’re super busy looking at weather maps and buying new touch screens for zooming in on Wolf Blitzer’s beard. But they were back on the scene today in case the defense’s obligatory motion for acquittal was granted.
It wasn’t.

 
– #JamesRay Sheila :: Sheila :: Sheila :: Sheila!! #

 
– Ms. Polk :: …

I’ve been looking for James Ray :: have you seen him? He’s like a tall guy :: concave mouth :: spray on tan :: walks around like an angry chicken is nesting at the far end of his colon?
It’s not a big deal or anything :: it’s just that I found some of his pills near my grandpa’s socks :: and I wanted to give them back. I know how serious it can be for a fake Samurai to lose his insecurity pills.
You’d think he’d be easy to find :: I …

CNN is pulling its coverage of the James Arthur Ray trial :: probably because Luis Li is so horrible to watch. It is said that the sound of his droning :: arrogant :: little voice can cause diarrhea :: foaming at the mouth :: and dilated pupils. It’s not true :: but it is said :: so let’s talk about it for a couple of hours … Luis Li style!
But seriously … CNN is joke.
I know you people are complaining to them.  Good idea :: let um have it!
But also :: they were using a satellite van to …