Have you heard about not-rocker Dave Navarro’s funny news?
No?
Good :: then I get to be the one to tell you … he abandoned his kids {in the worst way} and his wife {in the worst way} for a fake business and a fat girl.
Hooray!
LOL
Hooray!
LOL
Says Dave in a pathetic fucking sales email last week …

So I have a bit of funny news for you.
As of Monday morning, my heart and mind belong to IttyBiz.
Which is a bit of a laugh for me because I’d swore I’d never take a “day job” again.
But …

Harlan Kilstein isn’t a doctor :: and he isn’t an Internet marketing guru either … thanks to lil’ old me.
Good job me!
But he’s still a pathetic bottom feeding scammer … and every month or so someone tells me a story about Harlan trying to ruin their life with his ridiculousness.
Maybe a fake robot can keep a motherfucking d-bag from getting huge … but he can’t keep them from existing. There are police in Boca right?
Anywayz :: HK has a new bullshit site about the meditations. The site has 21,000 Facebook …

Sometimes even elves are naughty :: like Caffeinated Elf Rachael Acklin getting involved in Crystal Cox’s Depressing-n-Grotesque Pornography™.
No :: thankfully … not that kind of naughty.
Tweets Rachael :: who I refuse to call Rhiannon …

Help me bring my little girl home, and get a website, logo, header, and coaching at half off.

An unorthodox reason to have a sale for sure :: but in fairness … Rachael’s IttyBiz has always been uterocentric. The Demented Elf tweetlinks to what might be the worst sales page ever …

Dearest darling, this email is a very …

Let’s talk about Rachael. It’s obviously what Rachael wants to talk about … other NotRachael things aren’t interesting to Rachael.
Rachael Acklin is the “Caffeinated Elf” :: and she would love for you to join her Rachael based community … the Caffeinated Business Community. For just $20 a month you can access all of the advantages of being in a forum with an absolute nobody like Rachael Acklin.
Rachael’s caffeinated about page lists her various qualifications to bizness coach you to infinity and beyond …

“My oldest two kids were born during my …

Perry Belcher is not black … or gay {allegedly}.
But he is a felon … and he does do offensive impressions to impress his evil fat friends.
Perry and his partner in slime Ryan Deiss do a Black Friday hard sell every year … because the holidays are a great time to get scammed.

Happy Holidays to you and your family on this day of
Thankfulness!
I wanted to take this chance to tell you how thankful I
am for you.
Without you, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
Thanks for your loyalty and your trust over …

Anik Singal has Crohn’s disease! Doesn’t seem too relevent … but it must be super important since he can’t stop talking about it on his about page …

“Anyways, long story short on the health side, I’ve had major problems, spent weeks in the ICU, had many surgeries – but through this entire time, I FOUGHT. I refused to give up. I specifically remember one day about 2 years ago when I was bleeding profusely and in tons of pain in the ICU and when my nurse came rushing in to …

Frank Kern is a family man … didn’t you know? He talks about it all the fucking time … so it must be true. I’m sure he’s not just intentionally trying to humanize himself in order to lubricate the process of doing something very inhuman :: because that would be manipulation … and your “main man Frankie” ain’t like that.
But sometimes mommies and daddies fall out of love :: and even the fakest of marriages fade into San Diego divorces. Call me India Lawrence Kern {as seen on The Salty Droid} :: …

http://vimeo.com/15299782
Linda Eaves is Naomi Dunford’s bitch :: according to Linda Eaves.
Being the bitch of a know-nothing loser is not recommended by The Salty Droid :: but my recommendations are rarely taken because I’m just a unicorn hater. If unicorns aren’t real :: then real life is real … and nobody wants to believe that depressing shit.
After an hour-long consult with the IttyBiz spider :: Linda finally settled on the basis for her Internet freedom business. I hope she won’t mind if I spoil the surprise and tell you  … it’s granting wishes.
Wishes …

Life coaching is not a unicorn :: it’s fucking real.  Just ask life coach Tim Brownson. You can even say fuck when you ask him :: because as Tim tells us in his twitter profile …

I’m not your average Life Coach. I swear, I’m occasionally grumpy and I don’t take life too seriously. I’m highly experienced and very good at what I do though.

He swears :: all the big boys are doing it now. Dad says he shouldn’t :: but he does it anyway … fuck you dad!
Tim Brownson’s buy my life …

The IttyBizzy spider climbed up the water spout :: where she churned a blackened web and waited {festering in her own goo} to suck the life from anything plump that crossed her sticky path.
Down came the rain :: but it didn’t do shit to the IttyBizzy spider :: it just evaporated around her in a screaming steam. All things natural and good are repulsed by her gooey darkness.
Oh look :: the spider bitch is having a sale on “consulting” :: it’s a surprise :: for her family … she’s a …