I’m on vacation … so let’s just read some of my March emails together shall we? I think it will be fun because I won’t have to do very much work {I already wrote March’s emails} :: and you’ll think it’s fun because you’re easily amused like a methed-up gerbil.

BlogWorldExpo –

Jason,
My name is Shane and I’m the conference director for BlogWorld and New Media Expo. I wanted to reach out to see if you would be interested or would consider doing a keynote presentation at one of our shows.
We …

It’s fun to tell jokes about Black America Online :: because it was called Black America Online … and that’s funny.
Black America Online.
See? Funny.
The failed techno-blaxploitation of what was to become the uncoolest of uncool tech companies == funny.
You thought you got mail :: but you got Shaft … up to here.
Ha!
Anywayz :: I’m sure it wasn’t funny to the people involved … and they’d like to smack my face off.  But investing money into new {or old} business ventures is a great way to lose money. Most businesses fail …

Bob Proctor was James Arthur Ray’s mentor :: according to Bob Proctor and James Arthur Ray … even unskilled charlatans need mentoring. Bob and James mentored each other all up and down until they both learned The Secret and told Rhonda Byrne so she could attract $35 million unto her own self.
MLM doublespeak was rebranded as mainstream unicorn spirituality and James Arthur Ray went on Oprah :: Bob Proctor went on Ellen … the fake mentee becomes the fake mentor.
The Secret to success according to the movie The Secret is …

HOT DOGS!
Perry Belcher made millions of dollars online by lying to sick people :: selling them fake medicines … and making criminal coconspirators of his affiliates {before ripping them off}.
It’s called fraud :: it’s super easy … and you don’t even need a high school diploma {just ask Perry}.
Evil Jowls was convicted of felony computer crimes :: lost all his super lame possessions … and was sentenced to ten years of probation with special conditions barring his participation in misleading sales {among other things}.
Fuck that though :: what’s a fat …

Begin lawyer talk in 3 :: 2 :: 1 … oh god make it stop …
Congress passed 15 USC § 6102 to tell the FTC to do something about people being buttholes over the phone :: this was back in the Nineties when Congress still did stuffs without needing to be tazed. It’s the FTC’s job to make the actual rules :: which they do after a prescribed period for public comment where interested parties who have enough money to hire lobbyists … like the Direct Marketing Association … can …

Let’s talk about Rachael. It’s obviously what Rachael wants to talk about … other NotRachael things aren’t interesting to Rachael.
Rachael Acklin is the “Caffeinated Elf” :: and she would love for you to join her Rachael based community … the Caffeinated Business Community. For just $20 a month you can access all of the advantages of being in a forum with an absolute nobody like Rachael Acklin.
Rachael’s caffeinated about page lists her various qualifications to bizness coach you to infinity and beyond …

“My oldest two kids were born during my …

Alison Newton met Dave Navarro 17 years ago at NC State. They were close friends for years before they decided to get matching last names. The matching names were a commitment that they both took seriously. They had both come from severely broken homes :: and both were determined to protect their own children from the same fate.
By the time I met Alison Navarro a couple of months ago :: Naomi Dunford and the cult of Internet Marketing had already destroyed everything that Dave and Alison had worked so hard to build. …

Skeptics mostly like to talk about what it means to be a Skeptic :: it makes it all but impossible for a skeptical fake robot to be a Skeptic. If your skepticalism comes with a t-shirt :: then you’re just a person who likes clubs. I’m fucking skeptical of your dumb clubs.
Still whatever :: t-shirt clubs are better than you sobbing all over me because you’re lonely and all the happy people on the match.com commercials are lies.
Last year I showed up at a t-shirt club party inadvertently while on my way to punch the …

PZ Myers is an evil fucking scumbag.
Maybe not actually. That’s a bit too exciting.
Redundant dirtbag :: or derivative {saggy} dickbag … are probably both more accurate.
The Internets tell me that PZ Myers is an “outspoken atheist” :: which I think probably sounds something like this …

“There is no God … and we can’t let him win.”

I guess outspoken atheists do things like making a Hajj to Kentucky’s The Creation Museum :: where they walk around pointing at things they don’t believe in with a vending-machine-potato-chip fueled sense of superiority. Oh and of course Dinosaur rides :: available even to those with diminished …

Lanny Morton is Bob Proctor’s Josh Fredrickson.
If you’re an avid reader of this fake robot blog :: then that description makes total fucking sense to you {pat yourself on the back!}.
If you’re not an avid reader :: then it makes no sense. But who really gives a shit about you anyway? You can’t spare an hour a week for reading fake robots? Your pants are too fancy? You know about another highlarious anti-crime blog written by a real robot who’s even awesomer? Your obsession with cheap cheeze-burgers has consumed all …