Jessie Conners is My Rich Dad

Rich Dad Poor Dad is {I’m guessing} a book about having a rich dad :: it really makes life a lot easier … so do try to have one. There might also be some stuff in there about getting rich on real estate :: but that’s obviously all bollocks … stick with having a rich dad.

If you don’t have a rich dad :: then don’t put shit on your credit cards … I’m seriously you guys. You guys know what I’m talking about? You guys?

Utah’s Tigrent™ Inc. presents :: Rich Global LLC’s :: Rich Dad Education’s™ … Learn To Be Rich™ one day seminar / sales pitch / fucking scam job …

LEARN TO BE RICH™ is Rich Dad Education’s free real estate workshop that puts the lessons of Rich Dad Poor Dad into action: channel your desire for wealth into actual money-making investment opportunities.

Rich :: rich … RICH!! OMG … and I can too?!

Sure thing :: SaltyDroid Minion 2.0 field trip to the Hilton Chicago for getting rich … quick.

We arrived early :: as requested by the paid person who called to confirm that we’d be attending this important getting rich opportunity … “bring a friend” she said {expecially someone you hate and want to torture}. Signing in at the salesman staffed registration table earned us super classy name tags :: to remind us that we were very serious people … with very serious commitments to our rich futures. This one got donated to a Poor Dad bar napkin I met later :: napkin lives were changed for the richer … no doubt.

“I Invest In My Future” must have barely beaten out “I Kneel Before Zod” in split testing :: regression analysis … cluster analysis … and various other impressive math words {end sentence}.

Rather than allow the ballroom to fill-out gradually :: they made us wait outside in a faux expectant {and awkwardly matched} huddle … something revolutionary must be behind those fucking doors. Once we’d been forced to wait sufficiently :: a puffy haired old-school salesman d-bag did his tepid version of ra ra stuff … and then laid out the ground rules …

1) No questions.

2) No pictures or recordings of their getting you richer quicker secrets :: intellectual property and what not … the American dream … I’m sure you understand.

… I love it when commercials come with lots of rules.

We are then ushered down the aisle of taped off rows of chairs like the worstest :: saddest … fucking wedding ever. We’re each told specifically where to sit :: all packed upfront in the unpacked room … if you didn’t like your seat you had to negotiate with some asshole in a overworn navy blue sales jacket.

There’s a Robert Kiyosaki gurumentary playing on the screen :: specifically this one … Shooting The Sacred Cows of Money …

… sorry to the billion or so Hindus to whom cows are actually sacred :: but we need to fucking shoot them to pwn our Poor Dads and become rich with monies like Jesus and the Apostle Paul.

Asshole in blue jacket comes back down the aisle to tell @WhatTheWhat she can’t take notes on her iPad :: it’s not that they’re trying to keep their crimes secret … it’s just “they’ve had complaints in the past from attendees” about how other people using the Internet during the “training” is distracting.

Puffy hair guy stops the gurumentary about five minutes in :: he holds up the DVD … some of us will be walking out of here with a copy he says … 120ish people register their excitement at the prospect with silence. Puffy hair tells us to stand up :: introduce ourselves to those sitting around us … and try to secure a loan from them.

“Was anyone able to get a loan?”

… laughs puffy hair not funnily as he begins his introduction of today’s LEARN TO BE RICH™ distinguished keynote speaker. Robert Kiyosaki doesn’t have time to speak at all {or any of} the different life changing events put on by Rich Dad Education :: too busy being on Oprah … and spending other people’s money. But our speaker has also been on The Oprah :: The Today Show :: MSNBC … and other such impressive sounding things that we should be impressed with. Jessie Conners counts among her accomplishments :: a short stint on the first season of The Apprentice … and that’s pretty much it.

Here was Jessie’s most notable contribution to the show …

… talking down to designer Isaac Mizrahi as though he were the idiot that she seems to be.

Jessie reacted to being fired from a reality show like any future business leader with a high school diploma and a overinflated sense of self might :: she filed for trademarks on “The Apprentice” and “You’re Fired” … and aimed to start a new coaching company with a fellow reality TV washout Troy McClain called FinancialApprentice.com. According to Forbes circa 2004 …

The company, which is in the early development stage, aims to educate people on how to obtain credit and boost their credit rating, as well as understand credit risk, loans, mortgages and, to some degree, entrepreneurship…

Though the pair wouldn’t seem to have amassed enough experience to give advice, and certainly there are other people selling similar services–infomercials, anyone?–McClain and Conners are hoping to capitalize on their celebrity to create opportunity for themselves.

Capitalizing on celebrity :: the for realz American Dream … harder than it sounds though. Says Troy McClain …

His plan is to eventually devote all his time to FinancialApprentice.com and make our list of The World’s Richest People by 2009.

If you believe :: anything is possible … except for most things … which will remain impossible.

Unicorns.

By the time a “Where Are They Now?” interview posted on NBC’s site four months later :: Jessie had moved on to other {still stupid} things …

I am President of two companies (Wealth.com and WealthMentoring.com).

… sure you are hot cakes … and you’ll prolly be World’s Richest by 2008.

Philippe Matthews says he met Jessie Conners in a hotel :: where she was meeting with Robert Kiyosaki before he made an appearance on The Philippe Matthews show …

“If you like O you’re going to love P”™

… is no shit the tagline of Matthews’ site.

Anywayz :: by now Jessie Conners has re-evolved into someone who was always all about real estate … says she to P …

It is in my system that I know how numbers work. I will sit up late at night and study the Federal Reserve that’s how crazy I am.

This is the sort of smart talk that Jessie’s Good Will Hunting Federal Reserve night math has yielded …

“The Federal Reserve is all about leverage. They can say they are in trillions of dollars in debt but all that is really is a piece of paper. Nothing is based on gold anymore and all they do if they need money is print it if they need funds but what they are in debt to is themselves and they are in debt because they are holding our liabilities.”

… to the extent that the LEARN TO BE RICH™ Jessie Conners sales pitch had any real estate investing related content :: it was of that same variety … nonsense borderline gibberish.

“You guys, Robert says we are living in epic times. You guys probably already know this, but you can fire your boss right now you guys. You guys can massively change you financial life if you guys just learn the right approach.”

Any man man enough to play a Jessie Conners “you guys” drinking game … will be dead. She’s been giving the same lame ass pitch for 5+ years :: and according to the back of her 2007 “book” Nightmare Nation … Jessie speaks at over 300 events per year. So you’d think she be better :: but she isn’t … she’s Jessie … you guys.

Do you want to stay at home with your kids? Do you want your loved ones to love you back? Do you want to take vacations? Do you want to pay off your debts? Do you want to worry less about retirement? Do you want everything about your life to change right now?

You can have all that :: and more … just max your credit cards out for Jessie’s sugar daddy … you guys.

She holds Kiyosaki’s “new workbook” over her head :: she says she’s going to give it away … a guy in the front row stands up and grabs it from her. It’s an agressive move :: and he gets all up in her personal space … but she doesn’t flinch. She says there’s going to be another opportunity for action later in the show :: and we should all be prepared to stand up and take massive action … like Mr. Front-row-desperate-for-workbook guy had just done. If you can imagine the smell of fucking fake … that’s what it smelled like.

Jessie Conners didn’t go to college … she mentions that a couple of times like it’s an accomplishment. She puts a picture of a modified mobile home up on the screen :: tells us it was her childhood home … then feigns embarrassment. She was poor like us once :: but then she started doing things the Rich Dad way … and the hell if she didn’t deliver her parents from their impoverished mobile home life. Attendees all over the room murmured their approval at this rags to riches altruism story.

But last year when Jessie was doing a promo interview about her new pseudo-MLM / membership / fashion site Peppermint Park :: she told website womenetics …

I was born in Minnesota. My dad was a chiropractor. We lived a fairly normal life, and then when I was about 9 years old, my parents had a sort of midlife crisis. They stopped working, pulled us out of school, and we moved to Wisconsin and lived in a trailer with no running water or electricity for about five years.

We moved back to Minnesota when I was 16… My dad got his chiropractic license renewed, and we lived at my grandparents’ house. He asked me to do the marketing for him. I didn’t even know what that meant; I had to look it up in a dictionary.

I went door to door and did grassroots marketing and built his practice up to the largest practice in the state. My parents were able to move out of my grandparents’ house and buy their own house. Then I started getting calls from other doctors asking me to do their marketing for them. I was 16 years old, managing 13 chiropractic clinics, making around $80,000. I was definitely making more than most of the doctors I was working for. That’s why I decided not to go to college. I thought about becoming a chiropractor, but then I thought, “Why?”

Both stories about her parental rescuing can’t be true … and most likely neither of them are. Jessie continues on womenetics …

[After The Apprentice] I began speaking on real estate investing, speaking every single week for six years, doing six to eight presentations a week all across the country. It was about two years ago that I felt kind of empty.

So according to Jessie Conners :: Jessie Conners was going all around the country telling people to invest in real estate from 2005 - 2008 … basically the worst time in American history to be buying real estate. She kept doing it in 2009 and 2010 :: even though she “felt kind of empty” … until she had an epiphany …

I have a whole bunch of real estate, but it wasn’t my passion. I was wondering “What is my passion? What am I doing?

Her real passion turned out to be for membership site fashion buying MLMs :: and by 2011 Jessie Conners was reporting that Peppermint Park had 10,000 members … each paying $10 per month for the right to shop on her site {$41 more per year than Amazon Prime}. Never mind that the site seems to get no significant traffic :: and that 10,000 paying members is a HUGE number which would make Peppermint Park one of most popular paid membership sites on the web … because obviously Jessie Conners just says whatever the fuck pops into her empty lying head.

If she were making $1.2 million per year on web subscriptions to her passion :: then it would be strange to find her still out on the road … relentlessly shilling for an empty lie in one depressing hotel after the next … but it’s 2012 and that’s exactly what Jessie Conners is out doing with her pathetic sham of a non-celebrity life.

Interspersed with preposterous “and you can too” income claims :: was typical scam/cult drivel like this …

• “Do it for other people in your life that you love.”
• “In the next year and a half you guys are going to radically change your financial life.”
• “You can’t pass a job down to your kid.”
• “You obviously came out here to make a change in your life.”
• “They come up with all these stupid excuses.”
• “Your skepticism is what’s going to make you broke.”

… recorded by @Lanna using pen and paper :: like olden times.

After about thirty-five minutes of the same five minutes being repeatedly repeated :: Jessie abruptly mentions the $199 cost of the next seminar … and tells the action taking future rich to head to the back of the room to sign up and pay up. Approximately thirty people bolted from their seats in creepy unison without a moment’s hesitation :: it was exceedingly unnatural and surprising … and the stench of fake significantly thickened.

The room got noisy with payment processing :: and with the group now separated into two … Jessie started chastising those of us who had remained seated. Don’t we even care about our futures … or our families? She took the lapel mic off her {Walmart inspired?} sundress & sweater ensemble and held it close to her lying mouth as she shamed us.

It was too funny not to take a picture :: so I did … which irritated Jessie Conners enough that she called me out on it into her handheld lapel mic.

“If you’re going to take pictures at least wait until afterwards so I can be ready for it.”

… she snarled … visibly angered. Her anger made the scene much funnier to me :: and I am a victims’ advocate rather than a fucking scammer concierge … so I deliberately held up the camera 4S and snapped another pic. “Bonus shot” :: I think I said … because scammers love bonuses.

Jessie mostly kept it together :: and continued trying to berate those of us still seated … obviously not caring about our futures … held back by fear … forever paralyzed in unhappiness … there really are a lot of REO’s out there right now on the federal reserve and we should use them as liabilities on our next $75K cash flow flip … I’m serious you guys the time is now even though I’ve been saying the time is now 300 times a year for eight years … the time is now. What the hell is wrong with you people?

I interrupted Jessie Conners’ smelling of fake catcrap claptrap … and asked her about the refund policy. Had she known who I was :: she’d have known that she’d reached a serious inflection point in her life of grime … but she didn’t so she didn’t … and after a brief spiky look she said …

“Did you go to college?”

Yup!

I guess our row reeked of smarts {fosho} :: so Jessie thought she’d tap into my rage over the poor prospects for college grads … like Dillon Miles whined on-and-on about to The Verge during a lame Underground 8 party. But I’m not a disgruntled college grad :: I’m the motherfucking Salty Droid … so that line of trolling did not go well for Jessie Conners.

“I’m just going to disregard that question.”

… is how she ungracefully bowed out … after admitting that there is a no refund policy. A few minutes later :: before they could kick me out … it was over. Jessie Conners made a rush for the door like someone who wasn’t on commission. While she changed from one silly pair of shoes to another behind the tables of money changers :: I asked her if I could get that photo she’d promised … she declined not nicely and headed str8 out.

Jessie Conners :: real estate federal reserve apprentice fashion expert … Audi 5000.

But Jessie is the frontend of a fraud funnel that ends in Utah :: and fucking misery … so something tells me {prolly college} that running from the fake robot isn’t going to be quite that easy.

>> bleep bloop