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Salty Droid

Mark Shurtleff :: Attorney General of MLM

I want to be your mentor :: because I am full of success {says me}. You want to be my mentee :: because you are full of fail {says you}. Great :: let’s sign a contract! Here’s how it will work …

  1. you give me all you monies

  2. thanks!

That’s a great business model for me because of the part where I took your money. It’s not so great for you because of the part where you got robbed :: but fuck you :: that’s what you get for believing stuff just because I said it.

Fraudulent five figure “coaching” and “mentoring” upsells are a key component in most of the “best” scam operations. Don’t leave money on the table :: as evidenced by your victims still having money to put food {or anything else} on their tables. Take them for everything the credit card companies say they’re worth :: then build yourself an indoor trampoline and some motherfucking porticos.

Of course :: it can be rough work convincing one quiveringly insecure voice after the next to cough up ruinous amounts of money for obviously fraudulent non-services {not to mention all the night shifts required to properly fuck the Australians}. That’s why you outsource this shit to the “professionals” in Utah.

“Live hypocrisy until you’re dead inside” :: is Utah’s State Motto.

Maybe …

Not really :: I lied … goddamnit Droid stop lying! I don’t even deserve to be your fifteen thousand dollar mentor.

Actually :: their motto is :: “Industry” … which is perfect as long as you remember to include the air quotes.

Mentoring of America sold “coaching packages” {up to $15K} from a Utah boiler room as the darkside backend to John Beck’s real estate riches infomercial :: one the most frequently run {and stupidest} infomercials in America.

The infomercial was all like :: “Send me 40 bucks and then you’ll be parking your Lamborghini by the pool where your fake-tits fake-blond girlfriend will be putting the finishing touches on her fake-tan with some real sun.” And if you’ve got all that stuffs :: implies the unicorn :: then you’re probably definitely not terrified and depressed about your day-to-day like you are now … hooray!

They wanted credit cards :: phone numbers :: and a list of people who were sad and/or susceptible. And :: sweet sassy molassy :: that’s exactly what they got …

According to an FTC suit the scam has taken victims for approx $300 million :: and in some style too …

“People would come to work so drunk or stoned, they couldn’t hardly walk—and they’re collecting credit-card information from people all over the country… You’re talking heroin, coke, meth, every type of uppers and downers. They were even pumping out Adderall to people, OxyContin— anything you needed.”

Says former Mentoring of America manager Tim Lawson in an incredible 2009 article from the Salt Lake City Weekly

“Some guys there made $35,000 a week,” says salesman X, a former employee who asked to remain anonymous. “A lot of that just went down the drain with drugs.”

Salesman Y, also a former employee who asked to remain anonymous, remembers getting a Lortab from a supervisor once for a headache, “Pretty soon he was selling them to me wholesale,” Y says.

Boiler rooms and hardcore drug use were meant to be together :: like macaroni and cheese :: or poor people and suffering.

He says the mindset of using while at work was, “I’m going to [work] for 12 hours; I won’t feel rejection, I won’t feel pain. I’ll be patient with the people on the phone. [The drugs] give people the ability to mold and mirror people on the phone and basically take their money.”

Good times.

Over the years this drug fueled money taking business model led to dozens of investigations and enforcement actions by Utah’s Division of Consumer Protection :: several private lawsuits :: and a shotgun based employee suicide.

Now the story begins.

In spite of the blatant :: long term :: high profile :: semi-crazed :: nature of MoA’s abuses … Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff had no problem accepting significant campaign donations from the company :: $32,500 in 2008 alone.

Utah’s chief legal officer took money :: a lot of money :: from a dirty fucked up boiler room!

“Holy shit balls Moroni!” :: you say.

I know :: totally. Wait until right now when it gets even worser. This graphic from the City Weekly article shows Mark Shurtleff getting a substantial portion of his campaign funding {25% - 35%} from Utah’s boiler room “industry” …

$187,500 :: from a who’s who of motherfucking bastards.

Mark Shurtleff took money from Prosper Inc. :: who have sold for many douche stains listed on this fake robot blog :: and whose website lists Mike Filsaime :: John Assaraf :: and Joe Vitale among their trusted partners in prospering.

Prosper was sued in 2008 for water-boarding an employee as a motivational technique. The complaint in that suit details another ever present :: macaroni and cheese :: feature of boiler rooms … tyrannical abuse of the sales staff.

Mark Shurtleff took $50,000 from Jeremy Johnson and iWorks :: even though Consumer Protection had recently brought a 55 count citation against Johnson for various frauds and catcraps.

Shurtleff’s taxpayer funded secretary handled the scheduling of his meetings with Johnson and the other ambassadors of ScamTown.

Yada yada yada :: what a creep.

If you knew what I knew {and you don’t so don’t get all uppity} :: you’d know that it’s pretty fucking classic that City Weekly put those particular companies up in a ring :: pointing inward toward a similar goal. Kinda reminds me of the French word for trade union. I robot hypothesize that a cartel controlling a low enforcement zone {now with 80% less Attorney General} :: would be a blueprint for financial success {at the expense of others … natch}.

Wow. Things are looking bad for Mark Shurtleff. Let’s hear his defense …

in re Jeremy Johnson …

Shurtleff maintains he had no knowledge that Johnson was under investigation by the Department of Commerce and had faced charges filed by assistant attorneys general. He says the only connection he shares with Johnson was support for the Utah “lost boys” group, a charity that helps displaced former members of polygamist communities.

{fake southern accent} Oh my stars {fans face dramatically} :: I had no earthly idea.

in re Mentoring of America …

A.G. spokesman Paul Murphy denied any wrongdoing.

“Your line of questioning suggests that a candidate or official should not take any contribution if that candidate may have a future conflict of interest,” writes Murphy. “Does the Attorney General or any elected official need to check with every agency in the state before taking a contribution? Does he have to check with the state fair board, the aeronautical board, child protection services, the state board of education? Is that even feasible?”

In spite of my superior intelligence :: I don’t feel qualified to speak on the feasibility of checking things off with the state fair board {several of whose members are rumored to be overzealous carrots}. But screening donations through his own department :: and a quick Google search :: should have been more than sufficient to rule out all $187,500 in crooked monies.

Shurtleff also “defended” himself on his own super-awesome blogspot blog

Q. “What is the difference between the Salt Lake City Weekly and your run-of-the-mill Supermarket Tabloid?”

A. “You have to pay for the Supermarket Tabloid.”

Okay then :: ouch? Burn?

For years, Utah’s “Alternative” weekly, has masqueraded as a “newspaper.” In fact, its stories are nothing more than “yellow journalism” of the common supermarket variety.

Oh snap? Supermarket yellow :: suck on that “Alternative” … and this …

What I am is the Weakly’s favorite whipping boy in that I dare call them what they are, enforce the rule of law and stand for everything good and decent about our community to which they proudly proclaim they are the “alternative.”

All he does is stand for everything that is good and decent :: and here are these “alternative” yellow bastards accusing him of taking money from scammers just because he takes money from scammers.


So his defense :: though poorly articulated :: is ignorance. He didn’t know that these companies were under repeated investigation in the past :: and he didn’t know that they were likely to come under investigation in the future. It’s only negligent ignorance :: not intentional corruption.

Maybe I could believe that. Many people The Droid speaks with haven’t the first clue about the ongoing horrors of ScamWorld. Its scope and scale have a tendency to shock the uninitiated. It’s a depressing story that normal people don’t want to spend much time thinking about. But Mark Shurtleff isn’t one of these blissful ignorants. His relationship to ScamTown is direct … and totally creepy.

In 2004 :: Attorney General Mark Shurtleff spoke at a sales conference for USANA Health Sciences. USANA is a Utah based MLM that :: I’m guessing :: has very little to do with health or sciences.

Brace yourself for some mind blowing bullshit …

It’s not just that he gives an astoundingly improper endorsement considering his position …

“If you do it right, you do it legal, it is one of the greatest ways to help people realize the dreams of, of uh, and benefits and advantages of a free market system in the world today. And it is legal, and Attorneys General know this. And in fact Usana has a reputation around this country for being the ones that do it right.”

… it’s that he shills :: and plugs :: and fucking woo woos. He’s flat pitching! He knows the sounds :: and the gestures :: and the metaphors. He gets that the hype and inflated emotional reactions are the SickMachine’s main/only lubrication. This big fat turd ain’t no MLM virgin.

In 2005 :: Attorney General Mark Shurtleff supported a legislative amendment to Utah’s Pyramid Scheme Act. The amendment carves out an exclusion from the Pyramid Scheme Act for MLM’s which pretend to sell physical products {i.e. almost all of Utah’s pyramid schemes}. Says Robert Fitzpatrick in a very interesting article on MLMwatch

“Utah’s top law enforcement official, Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, supported the bill. He argued, contrary to the facts, that one of the distinguishing features of illegal pyramid schemes was the lack of legitimate products. This may have been a valid argument 30 years ago when product-based schemes were less common. Since then, however, the largest and most harmful of all pyramid schemes that have been prosecuted—such as Equinox, Trek Alliance, and International Heritage—offered products or services as their form of “paying consideration.” The existence or quality of the products is, today, irrelevant to the analysis. Some of Shurtleff’s top contributors were the very companies that would benefit the most from SB 182 [2]. Their operations would no longer violate the state’s anti-pyramid scheme statute.”

The bill passed :: was signed by the Governor :: and became Utah’s law in December of 2009. Not that it really mattered much :: what with Utah never even pretending that it would enforce its laws against the geese steeling the golden eggs. Three ironic cheers for the “greatest way to benefit from a free market system” …

Woo woo!

Woo woo!

Woo woo!

{melancholy vomiting}

And now to the now.

Mark Shurtleff wrote a book … or maybe it’s more like an “alternative” to a book. Being that Shurtleff is a totally fucking white Mormon who grew up around nothing but totally fucking white Mormons :: I’m sure you won’t be surprised to learn that his “book” is a “historical novel” about Dred Scott :: who is rather famously black … like slave levels of black.

It comes in two lovely covers …

Quite a sensitive subject :: I hope he’s got the literary skillz to handle this with the delicacy and complexity that it demands :: {spoiler alert} he doesn’t

“That old Moses sho’ ’nuff wouldn’t have to part the Mississippi like he done the Red Sea to lead his people to freedom. I reckon they could’ve walked right across it, so thick is that river with silt and trees and wrecks of a thousand steamers.

And how.


Sure …

“Dred Scott,” he chastised himself, “shame on you! You needs to get shet of that old feelin’ of bondage. That edifice be the place of you’ freedom!”

Oh my sweet tap dancing god {OMSTDG}!

This book wasn’t published by an actual publisher {obviously} :: it was a close run Utah type thing. The original edition was published by Valor Publishing :: whose first tweet went like this …

“Valor Publishing Group, LLC has opened its doors with the signing of Utah AG Mark Shurtleff with his freshman historical novel.”

Home style.

Valor Publishing had a launch party for the book :: and made slavery into a Utah cake …

… hopefully it was chocolate.

If you’re an out-of-touch white person interested in reading Am I Not A Man? The Dred Scott Story :: you can purchase it directly over the Intertubes at …

There you’ll find the book :: Shurtleff’s bio :: and links to his personal Twitters. The site itself is registered to Global Marketing Alliance :: and is hosted on a private server that contains 34 other GMA sites. Here are some examples …

Forex Advocates

National Debt Solution Program

Forensic Tax Inc

Default Resolutions LLP

P2W Career Tools

GMA Investment Management

I’m not saying that all of these sites are scams :: I’m just saying that they all look exactly like scams.

Global Marketing Alliance’s own site is hosted on a separate web server along with 10 additional GMA sites :: including Mark Shurtleff’s 2008 campaign site :: GMA offers some very lucrative unicorn opportunities …

“Global Marketing Alliance- is a successful, thirteen-year, Utah based business and consumer education solution company…

Average consultants earn anywhere from $1,500 to $2,000 a week. Realistic first year of income is between $75K to $120K.”

Sounds realistic.

Global Marketing Alliance has an F Rating with the Better Business Bureau :: someone should report them to the Attorney General or something … oh wait.

In May of 2010 Global Marketing Alliance was sued by a former employee …

“Clifton R. Tolboe claims in the lawsuit filed this week that on April 1, 2009, John F. Bishop Jr. had consumed alcohol at his company-sponsored birthday party before driving five employees to a local strip club called Trails.

According to the lawsuit, Bishop left the club with the same five employees of Global Marketing Alliance in his company-owned car, driving at speeds up to 100 mph before colliding with another car on I-80 near 2400 East. Both vehicles slid out of control and crashed into a guardrail and bridge support before Bishop’s vehicle eventually rolled.”

Bunch of people to the hospital :: Jason L. Palmer … dead at 26.

Pretty rotten company to be handling the campaign website of an Attorney General. But I’m sure it’s all a big mistake like taking money from Mentoring of America :: Prosper :: and Jeremy Johnson. GMA is just some company Shurtleff hired. Should he be expected to know things about companies he hires? Does he also need to run them past the state fair board? Is that even feasible? It’s not like he has a close relationship with this crap company.

Sharing the web server {and physical address} of Global Marketing Alliance is Global Marketing Design. GMD’s about page lists five employees :: one of those employees is Mark Shurtleff’s oldest son Heath Shurtleff. Heath and his wife Hay Lee write a blog about personal stuffs :: :: always a terrible idea. Says Hay Lee Shurtleff in October of 2008 …

“Heath brought a pleasant surprise to me a few days ago. He has been put on salary on his job, and they are adding him to other projects besides his dad’s campaign. (This makes us very happy!) Not that he doesn’t love working on his dad’s site, but being on more projects means he is more long-term, and won’t be job-hunting starting November 5!”

That’s nice.

Says Heath three months later …

So I’ve been working away at GMD for quite a while now and I have been learning a lot. I recently was given an assignment to make an entire website on my own. I just finished it today and wanted to tell everyone. If you want to see what I did then go to Hopefully this is just the start of a promising career!

It’s fun to get jobs before you get skillz :: thanks Dad.

If the question regarding Mark Shurtleff is :: ignorance or corruption?

… then the answer is :: sho’nuff :: corruption.

Hey Shurtleff ::

Q. “What’s the difference between the Salt Lake City Weekly and your run-of-the-mill Supermarket Salty Droid?”

A. “Giraffes.”

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