Salty Droid >> bleep bloop

Salty Droid

DumbDumb CreepStars

Herbalife pretends that I don’t exist. That’s what everyone does. The monster’s not real until you look at it… is what you’re saying right before you get ate by the monster.

I guess that’s over now.

Says Herbalife (via millions of dollars worth of lawyers):

The privacy interests of the 44 Florida Defendants and their downline members also militate against the discovery sought by Plaintiffs, interests that the Florida Defendants have refused to waive.

These concerns are heightened given certain statements made by Jason Jones, counsel of record for Plaintiffs, on his blog, “The Salty Droid.” See (“These dumbdumb creep-stars are giving me data, and videos, and emails, and yada yada yada … holy mother of dragons I’m actually getting the stuff!”).

Oh, why thank you! That’s quite the grand entrance for my “blog” onto the federal record.

{sashay right, deep bow, sashay left}

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Discovery Confidential

My case against Herbalife has become my many cases against Herbalife. I can’t tell you about all of them… but I can tell you that in the ones I can’t tell you about I’m really impressing and there are repeated standing ovations (one’s happening right now; I wish you could see it).

And guess what my internet friends?

These dumbdumb creep-stars are giving me data, and videos, and emails, and yada yada yada… holy mother of dragons I’m actually getting the stuff!

It’s surprising. I’m surprised.

For the first year and a half it was all like, “you can’t have any stuff because your case is stupid and you’re stupid and how dare you think you can subject us to basic process.”

Not surprising.

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Dismissively Appealing

What if the badguys had to answer my questions?

It’s a rhetorical question because obviously nobody’s going to answer my questions. But what if they had to? I don’t know… it would be strange.

So that’s what’s happening right now.

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Robotic Reformation

I like being me! I over-deliberated about giving up my SaltyDroid character and instead writing as whatever it is that I actually am, but now that I’m doing it… I like it a lot.

Just to explain the decade old joke: it was funny how SaltyDroid was so totally horrible to darkside conmen pretending to be rivers of light. I pretended to be mean to expose people pretending to be nice. It was epic. I should have won some sort of beer-soaked comedy award for it; or at least an unrequested Louis C.K. dick pic, a plaque with my name misspelled, a Applebees gift card, maybe a giant blow-up of a post dated check for $100? … something.

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Disparaging Arbitration

In 2013, Herbalife, facing a full-on assault from a hedge fund manager still bitter about not rowing varsity crew at Harvard; a class action lawsuit inexplicably emanating from Salt Lake City; and several ominous Sword of Damocles style government inquires… added a mandatory arbitration and class waiver provision to its ridiculous consumer “contract”.

Here’s the first version of that provision. (Please make sure to read every word carefully because it’s desperately important to the story. I can’t overemphasize the importance of reading the provision, in its entirety, before continuing.)


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