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Salty Droid

Alex Jones’ Big Back End

Alex Jones, in case you don’t know because you have lived a blessed life, is a conspiracy nut-job who has the blood pressure of a double bacon cheeseburger soaking in a 12 gallon vat of aged donkey lard.

His many years of hate-rage haven’t worn well, leaving Jones looking like …

… if Vladimir Putin ate another Vladimir Putin and then died in the back of a mini-van snorting cheese.

… an oversized Dorian Gray blow-up doll of Alex Jones.

… that one of your uncles — you know the one.

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Jonesing

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It’s so funny that I’m suing Herbalife. It wasn’t exactly on my bucket list — I didn’t even want to be a fucking lawyer — but life takes strange turns.

I badly want to tell jokes about the case… because jokes are my jam and scammers hate jokes. But I can’t (scream emoji) because lawyers hate jokes even more than scammers. That’s why “you’re so creative you should become a lawyer” is something that’s never been typed into the internet until just now.

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Twelve Years of Christmas

I know it’s a bit late for this… but I just wanted to take a moment to type a very “Merry Christmas!” to everyone who gets offended by people typing Merry Christmas. Oh and also — to be fair — a hearty “Happy Holidays!” to everyone who gets offended by people typing Happy Holidays.

Ever since I stopped dropping faux-literary f-bombs all over the place I’ve been searching for something new to help me keep my edge. And what’s edgier than mis-targeted holiday salutations?

  • Milk?
  • Chocolate Milk? (gasp!)
  • Not liking baby Yoda?
  • Liking baby Yoda?
  • “Placing the punctuation outside of the quotation marks”? (omg!)

Yeah, I’ve still got the touch.

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DumbDumb CreepStars

Herbalife pretends that I don’t exist. That’s what everyone does. The monster’s not real until you look at it… is what you’re saying right before you get ate by the monster.

I guess that’s over now.

Says Herbalife (via millions of dollars worth of lawyers):

The privacy interests of the 44 Florida Defendants and their downline members also militate against the discovery sought by Plaintiffs, interests that the Florida Defendants have refused to waive.

These concerns are heightened given certain statements made by Jason Jones, counsel of record for Plaintiffs, on his blog, “The Salty Droid.” See http://saltydroid.info/discovery-confidential/ (“These dumbdumb creep-stars are giving me data, and videos, and emails, and yada yada yada … holy mother of dragons I’m actually getting the stuff!”).

Oh, why thank you! That’s quite the grand entrance for my “blog” onto the federal record.

{sashay right, deep bow, sashay left}

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Discovery Confidential

My case against Herbalife has become my many cases against Herbalife. I can’t tell you about all of them… but I can tell you that in the ones I can’t tell you about I’m really impressing and there are repeated standing ovations (one’s happening right now; I wish you could see it).

And guess what my internet friends?

These dumbdumb creep-stars are giving me data, and videos, and emails, and yada yada yada… holy mother of dragons I’m actually getting the stuff!

It’s surprising. I’m surprised.

For the first year and a half it was all like, “you can’t have any stuff because your case is stupid and you’re stupid and how dare you think you can subject us to basic process.”

Not surprising.

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