Salty Droid >> bleep bloop

Salty Droid

Discovery Confidential

My case against Herbalife has become my many cases against Herbalife. I can’t tell you about all of them… but I can tell you that in the ones I can’t tell you about I’m really impressing and there are repeated standing ovations (one’s happening right now; I wish you could see it).

And guess what my internet friends?

These dumbdumb creep-stars are giving me data, and videos, and emails, and yada yada yada… holy mother of dragons I’m actually getting the stuff!

It’s surprising. I’m surprised.

For the first year and a half it was all like, “you can’t have any stuff because your case is stupid and you’re stupid and how dare you think you can subject us to basic process.”

Not surprising.

But lately it’s been more like, “oh I guess we have to give you some stuff or else chaos will reign supreme and the President will start willy nilly refusing to comply with congressional subpoenas.”

The thing is that badguys don’t respect paperwork based commands… but sometimes badguys who are not the President of fricking America have to pretend like they do. So I’m getting the stuff.

Of course, the patriarchy is still trying pin my wings and restrain my revolutionary spirit… making me sign this awful monster of a thing. It’s a protective order stating that confidential things must be kept confidential or else someone will get a very serious scolding. Herbalife’s expensive counsel were especially keen that I sign it before they handed anything over… and then they proceeded to mark everything they handed over “confidential”.

They can’t really do that, but I don’t care right now – we can fight about that later. I’m not looking to bulk publish raw data like vile man-lizard Julian Assange. I’m looking to look at the data myself: Me, the SaltyDroid, crusader for justice, cowboy researcher, hardcore cult fighter, unbribable bastard, sweary funtime storyteller… please show me everything. I’m sure you’ll be fine. What could go wrong? Just show me everything.

(confidential standing ovation)