In 2013, Herbalife, facing a full-on assault from a hedge fund manager still bitter about not rowing varsity crew at Harvard; a class action lawsuit inexplicably emanating from Salt Lake City; and several ominous Sword of Damocles style government inquires… added a mandatory arbitration and class waiver provision to its ridiculous consumer “contract”.
Here’s the first version of that provision. (Please make sure to read every word carefully because it’s desperately important to the story. I can’t overemphasize the importance of reading the provision, in its entirety, before continuing.)
SECTION 29 ARBITRATION AGREEMENT FOR DISPUTES BETWEEN MEMBERS AND HERBALIFE
Jessie Conners Tieva is a scammer who’s spent most of the last ten years fronting for various Utah fraud operations. She’s a grinder–always out on the road, talking about doing things she’s never done. Jessie is one of the few scammers who I’ve had the pleasure of heckling in person. When we met in a half empty hotel conference room in Chicago six years ago, she was fronting for the Robert Kiyosaki Rich Dad Poor Dad Utah-backed op.
This week Jessie and her husband Matt Tevia were busted by the FTC and the Minnesota Attorney General for operating a short-lived hustle called Sellers Playbook.
The Fake News should be running the headline:
Trump University “Professor” and Failed “Apprentice” Busted for Fraud
This is my most viewed video. It’s amazing. I won’t pretend that I don’t love it–the greed, the panting, the epic drama of secret audio recordings.
It’s been floating around the internet for eight years now, but it’s not allowed on YouTube. My heartbreaking work of staggering genius has been taken down from the big social media sites an absolutely uncomical amount of times.
This article is brought to you by the advertising that brings you Slate.
I started sometimes reading Slate when Slate started publishing stuff to read. Slate, an exclusively online news magazine, was one of the first of its kind. I thought it was going to change the world. Back then I naively thought that just about everything that was happening on the fledgling web was going to change the world.
Oh, M&M’s have their own website now? This is going to change the world!
Bloomberg reports that top YouTube stars can expect poverty level wages. That doesn’t surprise you because you’re sophisticated (and good looking, and smart, and conscientious) and you read a site taglined: “… you can’t make money online.” But other–lesser–people are surprised.
Straight to the guts:
Breaking into the top 3 percent of most-viewed channels could bring in advertising revenue of about $16,800 a year, Bärtl found in an analysis for Bloomberg News. That’s a bit more than the U.S. federal poverty line of $12,140 for a single person. (The guideline for a two-person household is $16,460.) The top 3 percent of video creators of all time in Bärtl’s sample attracted more than 1.4 million views per month.
That’s almost enough money to buy gas, drive to the library, and take a nap.
One in 3 British children age 6 to 17 told pollsters last year that they wanted to become a full-time YouTuber. That’s three times as many as those who wanted to become a doctor or a nurse.
You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney–and obviously you cannot–then screw you.
That’s how the law “works” for real people. The system is built for, and run by, powerful synthetic people. Corporations, cartels, partnerships, shells, professional associations, unions, and government agencies are “the people”–the people are the pawns.
When Herbalife needs lawyers to fight off fraud claims, they get to pick from the biggest and the bestest. It makes no difference that their business model is a blatant deception bringing about a humanitarian crisis. Members of the legal monopoly don’t have to care about petty triflings like morality. Herbalife’s got the cash to put up a huge retainer–and to pay legal bills larger than the operating budgets of most companies–so the “best” lawyers and law firms are immediately available to them… less than no questions asked.
“Our new name, Herbalife Nutrition, reflects our strategic transformation as a leader in the nutrition industry.”
They’ve strategically transformed into a leader in nutrition. But they don’t sell food; they sell food replacements isolated from commodity crops and industrialized into unnatural pills and powders. It’s the opposite of everything that science, and life, has to tell us about nutritiousness.
The shifty internet marketing outfit Cambridge Analytica, attached to the shifty editor of internet propaganda site Breitbart.com, attached to the shifty too-old-for-the-internet billionaire Robert Mercer; mined Facebook data and used it to target voters.
Also, if you need any Ukrainian prostitute type stuff… that’s a yes for Cambridge Analytica. They do it all - from spamming, to expounding on spamming, to pretending that they know a guy who knows a guy who does murders while spamming.
On September 18, 2017, myself (an online activist) and my longtime friend Etan Mark (an offline litigator) filed a federal class action lawsuit against Herbalife’s fraudulent Circle of Success event system.
The suit doesn’t accuse Herbalife of being a pyramid scheme, or make any claim for damages related to the purchase of Herbalife’s products. Instead, it focuses on a cartel of shady creeps who run a dirty side business mandating that victims spend small fortunes attending a never-ending sequence of expensive events.
Live events are the backbone of the Herbalife scam, and of the scam industry in general; the draw and the glue that makes all of the life ruining possible. It can’t be “too good to be true” when you can see other people believing that it is true. The best weapon against nice people is other nice people.
The first weekend of the first African World Cup is over and one thing is clear :: America didn’t lose!!
{spins and dances in circle}
I’m sure you’ve already heard what happened :: but I’ll tell you again just for fun. A ninety year old grandmother ran on to the field {all hopped up on snorted Adderall} and took a shot for the United States during their epic game against England. The shot moved with such stunning slowness and lack of power that England’s goalkeeper Robert Green could do nothing but offer the ball tea and conversation as it dribbled past him and into the net. Grandma Saggums was then given a yellow card for slowly tearing off her shirt {exposing her homemade cellophane sports bra} and telling Green to :: “suck it as hard as you can pretty boy.”
This epic poem :: ingeniously disguised as an idiotic blog … is about modern ConMen. About how they are using the power and beauty of mankind’s greatest invention to dramatically expand the reach of their destruction. The media is part of the problem :: and government enforcement is all but nonexistent. Vulnerable victims are having their lives ruined :: and people are dying. It’s a very serious and somber situation.
On the other hand :: I seriously love soccer! First World Cup in Africa :: all the games in HD :: America in a winnable group :: Italy’s team is total rubbish :: everything is looking sweet. Horah!!
Think I’m not robot enough to blend such disperate interests into a flavorful entertainment taco? Well you’re WRONG :: per the usual.
Introducing the SaltyDroid World Cup. Each team is assigned a useless parasite. The winning team gets glory and the World Cup :: the corresponding parasite gets a nice long stay at the top of my fucking list {I hear it’s lovely}. The runner-up gets a set of steak knives {snidely drops knives to floor}.
Mike Koenigs wants to be paid for life :: but that’s impossible :: so he’s settled on getting Paid for Now™ by selling you on being Paid For Life.
“What if I told you I have a simple, proven, investment strategy that will give you $3.75 for every dollar you invest, and it’s based on scientific research?”
Well then I’d say :: “Sign me up you squatty little fuck! I needs me that … NOWish.”
And once I got my robot claws on this 4 to 1 unicorn miracle … I’d take one dollar of my crack monies and sink it all into this scientifically researchinated investment stratagem.
I want you to wear my powerful thumb ring. Inside it will have a special inscription in a language that you’re too stupid to understand:
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them.
Of course … not this ring … this is just a regular old ring.
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
But again … just to be clear … not this ring.
Amen.
Wearing this ring will remind you that you ain’t all that. You don’t even have the real One Ring … so how fucking important could you possibly be? Might as well take a sick day and eat pizza in your socks!
