Paid for Life

ThreeSeventyFive

Mike Koenigs wants to be paid for life :: but that’s impossible :: so he’s settled on getting Paid for Now™ by selling you on being Paid For Life.

“What if I told you I have a simple, proven, investment strategy that will give you $3.75 for every dollar you invest, and it’s based on scientific research?”

Well then I’d say :: “Sign me up you squatty little fuck!  I needs me that … NOWish.”

And once I got my robot claws on this 4 to 1 unicorn miracle … I’d take one dollar of my crack monies and sink it all into this scientifically researchinated investment stratagem.

  • Boom!  I just made $3.75 :: for realz.
  • Reinvestment :: Bang! :: $14.06 bitches {resist temptation to spend it all on burritos}.
  • Reinvestment :: Snap! :: $52.73 … now we’re getting somewhere.
  • Reinvestment … yada yada yada … twelve cycles later and I have turned my measly dollar into $407,820,469.

I’m rich biatch! Thank you science.

Okay so the $3.75 thing is just a lie :: and a stupid one at that.  What else you got chuckles?

“What if you could spend 48 hours with 12 of today’s top success thought leaders and walk away with an actionable business strategy?”

“Top success thought leaders” :: what the hell is that supposed to mean?  Give me an example … who is the headliner?

Paula Abdul unleashes Star Power Secrets:

How to Choreograph Success in Your Business & Life AND Become a High-Profile Celebrity in Your Industry

You already have the expertise, the knowledge and the experience. So why is the other person making all the money and becoming famous, while you’re stuck in neutral? Chances are they are recognized as an expert…and you…well, you’re not. But don’t worry, after this powerful session with celebrity power house Paula Abdul, you will be on the fast-track to fame and fortune!

So “top success thought leaders” = dancing cheerleaders. Paula Abdul is going to fast-track your business! And if you believe that … you don’t have a business {or won’t for long}.

Unfortunately :: not all the speakers made their money by “shakin’ dat ass”  {one assumes that Mariah Carey and Britney Spears were unavailable due to prior scheduled business teaching engagements}.  But that doesn’t mean other equally useless and unqualified people couldn’t be found to run at the mouth.

Brendon Burchard presents …

Partnering with Nonprofits & Corporations to Change the World: The Power of Partnership in Driving Change (and Revenue!)

Nonprofit and corporate partnerships are THE most important and effective marketing strategy for building your brand and business, period …

How to position yourself so that nonprofits and major corporations will spend thousands of dollars on promoting YOU to their members, customers and communities …

How to leverage your platform to quadruple your sponsorships, speaking engagements, product sales, press appearances, and event attendees …

So you shallowly attach yourself to some cause or issue :: and then use that as cover to build up your name or brand :: and then you cash in :: for the win.  Interesting idea :: it reminds me of how “all the proceeds” from the Paid For Life event go to the absurdly shallow Just Like My Child foundation.

Not-coincidentally :: head mistress of Just Like My Child :: just so happens to be Mike’s wife Vivian Glyck. Vivian is also :: not-coincidentally :: a “top success thought leader” …

Just Like My Child Foundation Founder, Vivian Glyck reveals:

How Givers Get — How to Make Money by Giving it Away

How to raise tons of money to contribute to the cause you are most passionate about (while earning more money yourself).

Prior to starting Just Like My Child, Vivian was marketing consultant to such luminaries as Deepak Chopra, Tony Robbins, Dean Ornish, Gregg Braden and more.

I sure hope Vivian is being well compensated for bringing her “some marketing experience” to bear against the pestilence of persistent African poverty.  She must be making some real progress because in the special “From Vivian” section of the sales site she tells us that …

“Beginning with a concentrated focus on rural Uganda where efforts, funding and programs have far-reaching and dramatic results, JLMC is now expanding its programs to the US.”

The whole “Uganda is Majorly Fucked” situation :: solved!  Time to bring some of that money back here to the good ol’ U.S. of A … where all the real problems are.

Vivian also introduces us to the “My Child” portion of Just Like My Child.

“I am so madly in love with my child that I would do anything to keep him alive, keep him safe, and to help him live his fullest potential.

My stand in life is to create a world where all children feel joy and happiness by experiencing their full potential – the same privilege my child has — the joy of knowing who they are and the ability to express it to its fullest.”

She’s so madly in love with her “my child” that she’s even willing to use him as a marketing ploy :: sticking his name and face on a sales page :: just like any good mother would.  And hey you know what … why not include his name and picture on any fake websites you set up for scamming SEO purposes?  Just Like My Exploitation of My Child :: done and done.

But that’s not all …

Featured Expert in The Secret, John Assaraf teaches you how to:

Master the Inner Game of Wealth

What would your life be like if you could accomplish anything – and everything – you want?

For The Answer to that :: and many other unpossible questions :: insert head into $10,000 DeathLodge.

Chris Hendrickson :: Debt Solution Expert

“… has been inspiring people to get out and stay out of debt for more than two decades. Working with a Fortune 500 Lender, he performed as a loan officer, debt-collector, bankruptcy representative and repossession official.”

Ooh lá lá.  Sounds like a “Debt Solution Expert” to me … whatever the fuck that is.  Step one in Chris’ plan for dedebting yourself … pay $1,000 for a seminar put on by a bunch of blood sucking dummies {plus expenses!}.  Or better yet :: pay $1500 for “VIP Tickets” and you can sit in the front row and maybe get some dummy spit on you.  Debt be gone!

Pam Hendrickson :: She’s married to Chris and she used to work for Tony Robbins … so you know … “top success thought leader.”

blah blah blah.

Sign up now!  The whole fucking thing is a tax write-off … as I’m sure you all remember.  Oh but wait :: what’s this?

“Per IRS regulations, the amount of the contribution that is tax deductible for federal income tax purposes is limited to the excess of any money contributed over the fair market value of the goods or services provided by the Foundation. Our good faith estimate of the fair market value of the program itself is $495, and the VIP experience is $560. The remainder of your donation is tax deductible as a charitable contribution, or the total amount may be fully deductible as a business expense. Consult your tax advisor.”

Oh goodness … I wonder how they figured that out?  They’re really sorry about how they lied to you about the write-off in previous years … just not sorry enough to tell you so.  And because Mike and Vivian are such god damn humanitarians :: I’m not even going to send them my bill for the “Fucking Basics of Business” consulting which they so unhappily received.  Rejects!

Anywayz :: single ladies :: I beg of you … don’t give these rat fucks another penny.  Want an alternative since I keep killing all your precious unicorns?  Fine …

Use the same thousand you were going to piss away on listening to know-nothing idiots try to sell you on know-nothing bullshit :: and take someone in your life out to lunch :: once a week :: for the next 52 weeks. At that lunch :: keep your stupid mouth shut :: and try listening. Other people want to be listened to … but no one wants to listen. Take some poor kids you know out … listen to them. Then say things like :: “You’re a smart little turd. I see bright things in your future.” Take your Mom out … and your sister. Take someone you hate out … and listen just to torture yourself. Take out some peeps you know you fucked up with :: and then just listen to them. Take out people you might like to sell to later … but just listen for now. Take out someone shy who never goes out :: they’ll talk if you listen. Take out your pastor :: and some of the veterans that you must know. That girl who is only obnoxious because she’s super insecure … try listening to her over fried foods. How about the babysitter … or that one lady in the PTA who does all the fucking work?

End of the 52 weeks :: oops! :: you accidentally grew as person by not focusing on what you could do to grow as a person.  Funny how that works …

>> bleep bloop

43 thoughts on “Paid for Life”

  1. It looks like several of the “thought leaders” come in pairs (as in married, although that info doesn’t appear to be something they want to openly admit, for some reason). Maybe next time around they will include their children as bonus “thought leaders.” What a deal!?

    Let’s not forget that “thought leader” Vivian Glyck (Koenig’s wife) is also a POOP expert, and that kind of priceless knowledge is sure to come in handy or at least give you a laugh while you are reviewing your monthly mastercard bill and thinking “why did I get myself into this”:

    http://www.amazon.com/Tao-Poop-Keeping-Sanity-Raising/dp/1590302877

  2. Best ever droid!

    Keep slaying them Unicorns!

    PS: I like how you actually give some good advice at the end. You know you could get paid for that? lol

  3. “End of the 52 weeks :: oops! :: you accidentally grew as person by not focusing on what you could do to grow as a person. Funny how that works …”

    That’s inspirational man. Love it.

    David

  4. Salty super lib has done it again. Seriously, why are you jellis over Koenigs and his super biologically like smart wife? Don’t you know that it’s all legal to pretend to feed starving kids in Africa and cash in on the proceedings of proceeds? It’s the key to go from this level to the next level globally.
    Vivian is an angle she really cares about those poor black children down in Uganda, just ask her. Just not as much as she does about her make-up. You know there are priorities for goodness sakes.

    You are just a poor peon like the rest of the jellis people on this blog. You don’t know how to get paid for life. Maybe if you maxed out your credit cards and ordered some of these courses you’d see the light. That what I did and now I’m rich.

    I went to a seminar last year and in less than 45 minutes I made 3.148392929298278289282829282171819e4818191 billion dollars with just five of Mike Koenigs strategies about sending $3.75 to 5 people and then waiting for those 5 people to send $3.75 back to me. I even sent Mike $3.75 and he sent me a bill for $375. See how that works? BAM in your face.

    Look you stupid complaining asses this stuff works. Get off your lazy asses and just do it. All you have to do is just hand your money to these rich business experts and you’re gonna be on your way to moronic wealth in all areas of life.

    1. @Anti LEAN-P,
      Sign me up for some of that BAM in your face thingy, I can’t wait for that moronic wealth to arrive.

    2. @Anti LEAN-P,

      Yes, you just have to take action. If your action results in failure you are not taking enough action. If your action that results in repeated failure leads to frustration get excited because frustration means you are close. If taking action only results in failure and frustration you are not taking enough action or you must not be in harmony with the universe. Scamming people through hype has nothing to do with it, you alone are responsible, not the people who mislead you with fake facts and hype in their marketing.

      1. @TheyScam, that’s some great wisdom:

        “If your action results in failure you are not taking enough action.”

        That’s inspirational. I’ll take more action in my refrigerator tonight. I’ll be unstoppable!

        Tonight: gluttony. Tomorrow: riches! It’s the law of attraction. I never realized money could be attracted by belly fat. I guess I should have taken a page from Andy Jenkins!

  5. Mr Salty, (or do we now bow and call you sensei?) you have surpassed yourself with this piece. An absolute joy to read and when I can see through my tears I will read it again and disturb the neighbours again with the howling.
    A masterpiece!

  6. She’s right! Those kids in Africa really are just like her child. They’re also being pimped and exploited for her profit. Sorry, nonprofit. I hope the IRS checks their books carefully.

    It sounds like Werner Ehrhard’s Hunger Project all over again.
    (From an article archived by the RR Institute):
    “The latest accounts from the Hunger Project, for the year ending December 1984, show that little was spent on anything else besides administration. Of 192,658 pounds raised, just says pounds 7,048 was spent on direct aid to the starving.”
    http://www.rickross.com/reference/hunger_project/hunger_project5.html

      1. @I wantz 2B rich,

        Exactly. This whole post left me speechless…from the crazy math lesson to the awesome idea SD wrote at the end. It’s weird that I was just thinking about this the other day.

        1. @jacqui, The more I make the connnections the more I’m contemplating taking the next step. I want connect a few more dots and watch the show a little longer. The more I learn, the more pissed off I get. Action is better. Pissed off is a good start for me.

    1. @Yakaru, OMG – I am speechless after reading this. It gets worse and worse all the time. Next thing you know, someone is going to tell me there’s no Easter Bunny. I don’t think I can take it.

      Shame on you, Werner Ehrhard. Shame, shame, shame.

  7. there is something with the paid for life video go to the paidforlife site and watch the video it gives you a sick feeling the keonigs is such a duchebag talk about a huckster you can lose your wealth respect and power if you don’t sign up he says like it will make your dick small or something I wouldn’t pay money to see any of these people talk might pay to see abdul naked. Hahaha. Who are these people buying into this drivel falling for it?

  8. If Koenigs is so good at getting shit ranked, he better start working on bumping Salty’s post on page 2. It’s climbing.

    Fuckstick.

    1. @Big Chuck, That’s funny. Actually, quite a few people featured on this blog have Salty’s listings showing up fairly prominently under their names. Harlan Kilstein has a Salty Link on the very first page under his name, despite Harlan’s blatant attempt to spam Google with lots of untended filler blogs and spam sites.

      That’s one guy that needs a revisit. Kilstein is a total creep.

    2. @Big Chuck ::

      If you want evidence of how much the GoogleBot seems to love me lately :: search for “This is relevant to my interests” :: sometimes I rank 1st :: ahead of icanhascheezburger. I owe it all to my SEO consultant {nobody} :: and my powerful SEO tactics {not having any}.

      Suck on that you stupid kitties!

  9. http://www.justlikemychild.com/component/option,com_docman/Itemid,0/task,doc_download/gid,57/

    gee….only $71,072 going to compensation….only $35.5K is for administrative salary…and the other $35.5K program service salary (program service my ass).

    Other ‘interesting’ expenses include

    $11.5K Advertising & promotion (when free socialmedia traffic just won’t cut it)
    $3.6K office expense
    $5.8K events
    $5.3K website (Koenigs creates websites..weird)

    “Many donors are upset because they can’t confirm that their money is being used properly,” says Glyck, whose organization spends 85 percent of every dollar on services. “It’s evil to take away the opportunity for health and education. This kind of corruption is murdering people.”-Glyck

    my calculations show 27% go to expenses, butt…with some creative accounting (shifting out all “program service expenses”)…yeah..one can bring that down to 16.9% (accounting is truly magical)…I noticed by their videos that there is “overlap” in what they “claim” to have “accomplished”, so I question the “programs” and their “financial” veracity….

    “She gave up a six-figure salary to help a hospital in Uganda — and she has never felt richer.” june ’08-Glyck

    “Until her board approved a $40,000 salary in December, the family was living primarily on her husband’s income. “We’ve cut back on vacations, traveling, eating out,” she says. “But it’s more than worth it.”-Glyck

    hmmmm…what happened to the massive online success Koenigs claimed…or is that success dependent on using people’s donations to pay his wifes $40K salary…

    do I have to turn into a fucking retarded poo flinging monkey to believe this shit…

    lets see what would a normal person who really wanted to help would have done…keep the 100K+ job, hire a volunteer at 25K to “work the phone”, donate that $25K as a charitable contribution, and it is a win-win…..butt…if there was no 100K+ job…then lie about leaving a 100K+ job…pay yourself $100+K between salary and questionable expenses (from people’s donations…and however much of those “programs” money go back into their “pocket”)…all in the guise of helping…

    Well…I am so happy and grateful that she is taking it all back via people’s donation…the universal mine is truly magical…

    1. @_cartman_ ::

      I hadn’t seen 2008’s yet. What a bunch of bastards.

      Mike self reports that his last crap launch was well into the multi-millions … but unqualified Vivian has taken 80k-120k in donation money just as salary to administer a tiny :: inefficient :: ridiculous “charity.” {Not to mention the 10 African vacations to do god knows what since she has no fucking idea what she’s doing}.

      And all who have donated should notice that 100% of operations are coming from “private” funding again. But that is NOT how legit charities usually operate. If you can raise private money … then the object of a well paid director/fund raiser is to get matching funds from governments or other grant giving agencies or organizations. Of course … to get matching monies you have to hold yourself up to actual scrutiny.

      All private funding :: almost blank government filings :: shamsters at the helm. Good times.

  10. You are one greedy bastard, Salty. I’d have stopped “investing” once I had the first 100 million. I hope you give some of those windfall profits to charity.

  11. I don’t get it. Isn’t promising/guaranteeing a return on investment just begging for the Feds to crack down?

    Salty, why aren’t you reporting this to the FTC?

      1. @SD, there is no honor among thieves, but sometimes, even dishonorable thieves stick together long enough to cover their own sins.

  12. Once again the use of the words “scientific” and “research”! Yes,we have a crisis in scientific understanding in the U.S.(maybe not so much in other countries)but does using these words really work on people? It must or the d-bags wouldn’t readily toss them around.
    As for poor kids in Africa,these exploiters-of-suffering-to-make-themselves-look-good need to wake up soon or their souls are going to pay big time.(Oprah, are you listening?)
    I hoped the Larry Jones’ bribery and his son’s porno scandals connected to their “Feed The Children” bogus organization would be enough to make people pay attention, instead of money, to these creeps. http://newsok.com/feed-the-ego-charitys-founder-refuses-to-quit/article/3416163 http://www.landlinemag.com/Archives/1999/august99/ftc8299.html

    BTW Droid et al, This Friday,June 11th, there’s a segment to air on the DeathLodge and JAR,pretty sure it’s Dateline NBC.It’s definitely at 8 pm/9 Central Time. (The tv was muted at some friends’ house Tues.night and I saw the words What Happened Inside?”, then Ray’s ugly picture from the bail hearing,then a shot of the sweat trap. I’ve looked, but can’t find,anything on an online schedule for Dateline.

    1. Bryan Neuman confirmed it: The segment about Sedona is on DATELINE NBC, Friday,June 11th, 9 pm ET.

  13. Oh my Mr. Salty, I am so glad you have turned your focus to this Mike Koenigs scammer and given my poor son Harlan a break. Not to say he deserves it. But I do feel sorry for the fat little fuck, spending 23 hours a day desperately making blog posts to prevent the words “Harlan Kilstein scam” or “Harlan Kilstein fraud” from appearing on the same page of search results as his actual Harlan Kilstein scam sites! You know, a mother will always love her little schlubby, even if he is a completely worthless internet marketing guru wannabe.

    It was probably a mistake to make him wear dresses when he was little. It’s just that I always wanted a girl and was endeared with the name Harlana. And he looked so cute in yellow and pink dresses…up until the time he was about 16 and became addicted to twinkies and ho hos.

    Of course, I didn’t realize all the dreck he was cramming in his pie hole. When I saw that bulging belly I thought Harlana was pregnant. A grand child! How wonderful! But when the delusions subsided, I realized there was no Harlana…there was no grandchild…just a fat little schlub-fuck.

    I couldn’t hide my disappointment. And Harlan never forgave me. Now you know the roots of his misogynistic ways.

    Mother Kilstein

  14. I see that greasy little weasel Graziosi is back at it again. This clown pimps out all of his infomercial leads to boiler rooms to suck the last off their credit cards.

    Google this little greaseball shrimp and see for yourself. Funny how they change like chameleons. I also thing its twisted how they all try and throw the charity help people thing in.

    Karma is a loyal and patient bitch.

    1. @Joseph D.,

      I’d rather see Karma also be a more instantaneous and brutal bitch, where “she” feels it is well deserved, but, Hey, that’s just me!

      Liar Crusher

  15. @SD, I see the recent move has had a benevolent effect upon you…as the recent contributions are painfully funny and brilliant…not that I would expect any less…

    Websites NOT to read while your mouth is full of water: This One! Seriously. I just barely missed my keyboard and should have known better!

    Another slam dunk with this post…great execution…

    I certainly have missed your “special brand” of humor…(a.k.a. too much like my own…and I can’t seem to remember which box that got packed into, but it has been in short supply lately. Yet, this site perks me up even after all the “euphoric fun” of moving. No small feat…as I’m sure you recall…unless you made your wife do all the work ;P Send her over…I’m tired already!)

    Liar Crusher

  16. This part is can’t-buy-with-Mastercard priceless:

    And once I got my robot claws on this 4 to 1 unicorn miracle … I’d take one dollar of my crack monies and sink it all into this scientifically researchinated investment stratagem.

    Boom! I just made $3.75 :: for realz.
    Reinvestment :: Bang! :: $14.06 bitches {resist temptation to spend it all on burritos}.
    Reinvestment :: Snap! :: $52.73 … now we’re getting somewhere.
    Reinvestment … yada yada yada … twelve cycles later and I have turned my measly dollar into $407,820,469.

    It’s like flubber for finances. Throw some of that perpetual money machine action my way while you’re at it!


    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  17. Hey, y’all.

    Talk about boiler rooms and debt solution magicians and the makin’ money thing just took me down memory land. Reminded me of a few phone calls I received from Donald Trump’s son – the Donald was pimping him to pitch his money program. As foolish as I am at times, even I knew better than to buy financial advice from a dude that’s filed bankruptcy multiple times. Forget the awesome hair.

  18. Charity pays off. Mike’s latest promo includes a session on his yacht, a day in his $250K studio, and a ride in his SOLAR powered Tesla. Mebbe I need to do some tithing to the 700 Club.

  19. Who is on board to sue. Watch for the law suit shortly and I hope all you talkers promote it so they can be exposed.

    1. @Whistleblower ::

      Yeah?

      Tell your lawyer to contact me BEFORE s/he files the complaint … and we’ll see what the talkers can do.

      … and don’t go around talking about it yourself … “talking about it” rarely precedes “just doing it.”

      1. @SD, I’m doing my own. I contacted attorneys and they are shying away. If you have any input, let me know. I am serious. Thanks

        1. @Whistleblower ::

          I have some input ::

          a) Make a real effort to understand how and why you got fucked … or you’ll get fucked again.

          b) Don’t go to court without a lawyer … or things could end up worse than they already are.

        2. @Whistleblower,

          I have every reason to believe that @SD is correct. I mean–not like it should need my vote or anything, @SD’s operator is a not-practicing lawyer and I’m not a lawyer.

          Anyway, I had to watch second hand as my loved one got messed over bad in a civil court thing because she had no lawyer. It’s a Bad Gig. If you go into court lawyer-less for something like this, you won’t get justice. Instead, it’s likely, the side with a lawyer(s) will find some stupid rule or loophole in a rule that they can use to totally mess you and yours over.

          The fact that it won’t be right, just, or fair will not matter.

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