Mike Koenigs wants to be paid for life :: but that’s impossible :: so he’s settled on getting Paid for Now™ by selling you on being Paid For Life.

“What if I told you I have a simple, proven, investment strategy that will give you $3.75 for every dollar you invest, and it’s based on scientific research?”

Well then I’d say :: “Sign me up you squatty little fuck!  I needs me that … NOWish.”

And once I got my robot claws on this 4 to 1 unicorn miracle … I’d take one dollar of my crack monies and sink it all into this scientifically researchinated investment stratagem.

  • Boom!  I just made $3.75 :: for realz.
  • Reinvestment :: Bang! :: $14.06 bitches {resist temptation to spend it all on burritos}.
  • Reinvestment :: Snap! :: $52.73 … now we’re getting somewhere.
  • Reinvestment … yada yada yada … twelve cycles later and I have turned my measly dollar into $407,820,469.

I’m rich biatch! Thank you science.

Okay so the $3.75 thing is just a lie :: and a stupid one at that.  What else you got chuckles?

“What if you could spend 48 hours with 12 of today’s top success thought leaders and walk away with an actionable business strategy?”

“Top success thought leaders” :: what the hell is that supposed to mean?  Give me an example … who is the headliner?

Paula Abdul unleashes Star Power Secrets:

How to Choreograph Success in Your Business & Life AND Become a High-Profile Celebrity in Your Industry

You already have the expertise, the knowledge and the experience. So why is the other person making all the money and becoming famous, while you’re stuck in neutral? Chances are they are recognized as an expert…and you…well, you’re not. But don’t worry, after this powerful session with celebrity power house Paula Abdul, you will be on the fast-track to fame and fortune!

So “top success thought leaders” = dancing cheerleaders. Paula Abdul is going to fast-track your business! And if you believe that … you don’t have a business {or won’t for long}.

Unfortunately :: not all the speakers made their money by “shakin’ dat ass”  {one assumes that Mariah Carey and Britney Spears were unavailable due to prior scheduled business teaching engagements}.  But that doesn’t mean other equally useless and unqualified people couldn’t be found to run at the mouth.

Brendon Burchard presents …

Partnering with Nonprofits & Corporations to Change the World: The Power of Partnership in Driving Change (and Revenue!)

Nonprofit and corporate partnerships are THE most important and effective marketing strategy for building your brand and business, period …

How to position yourself so that nonprofits and major corporations will spend thousands of dollars on promoting YOU to their members, customers and communities …

How to leverage your platform to quadruple your sponsorships, speaking engagements, product sales, press appearances, and event attendees …

So you shallowly attach yourself to some cause or issue :: and then use that as cover to build up your name or brand :: and then you cash in :: for the win.  Interesting idea :: it reminds me of how “all the proceeds” from the Paid For Life event go to the absurdly shallow Just Like My Child foundation.

Not-coincidentally :: head mistress of Just Like My Child :: just so happens to be Mike’s wife Vivian Glyck. Vivian is also :: not-coincidentally :: a “top success thought leader” …

Just Like My Child Foundation Founder, Vivian Glyck reveals:

How Givers Get — How to Make Money by Giving it Away

How to raise tons of money to contribute to the cause you are most passionate about (while earning more money yourself).

Prior to starting Just Like My Child, Vivian was marketing consultant to such luminaries as Deepak Chopra, Tony Robbins, Dean Ornish, Gregg Braden and more.

I sure hope Vivian is being well compensated for bringing her “some marketing experience” to bear against the pestilence of persistent African poverty.  She must be making some real progress because in the special “From Vivian” section of the sales site she tells us that …

“Beginning with a concentrated focus on rural Uganda where efforts, funding and programs have far-reaching and dramatic results, JLMC is now expanding its programs to the US.”

The whole “Uganda is Majorly Fucked” situation :: solved!  Time to bring some of that money back here to the good ol’ U.S. of A … where all the real problems are.

Vivian also introduces us to the “My Child” portion of Just Like My Child.

“I am so madly in love with my child that I would do anything to keep him alive, keep him safe, and to help him live his fullest potential.

My stand in life is to create a world where all children feel joy and happiness by experiencing their full potential – the same privilege my child has — the joy of knowing who they are and the ability to express it to its fullest.”

She’s so madly in love with her “my child” that she’s even willing to use him as a marketing ploy :: sticking his name and face on a sales page :: just like any good mother would.  And hey you know what … why not include his name and picture on any fake websites you set up for scamming SEO purposes?  Just Like My Exploitation of My Child :: done and done.

But that’s not all …

Featured Expert in The Secret, John Assaraf teaches you how to:

Master the Inner Game of Wealth

What would your life be like if you could accomplish anything – and everything – you want?

For The Answer to that :: and many other unpossible questions :: insert head into $10,000 DeathLodge.

Chris Hendrickson :: Debt Solution Expert

“… has been inspiring people to get out and stay out of debt for more than two decades. Working with a Fortune 500 Lender, he performed as a loan officer, debt-collector, bankruptcy representative and repossession official.”

Ooh lá lá.  Sounds like a “Debt Solution Expert” to me … whatever the fuck that is.  Step one in Chris’ plan for dedebting yourself … pay $1,000 for a seminar put on by a bunch of blood sucking dummies {plus expenses!}.  Or better yet :: pay $1500 for “VIP Tickets” and you can sit in the front row and maybe get some dummy spit on you.  Debt be gone!

Pam Hendrickson :: She’s married to Chris and she used to work for Tony Robbins … so you know … “top success thought leader.”

blah blah blah.

Sign up now!  The whole fucking thing is a tax write-off … as I’m sure you all remember.  Oh but wait :: what’s this?

“Per IRS regulations, the amount of the contribution that is tax deductible for federal income tax purposes is limited to the excess of any money contributed over the fair market value of the goods or services provided by the Foundation. Our good faith estimate of the fair market value of the program itself is $495, and the VIP experience is $560. The remainder of your donation is tax deductible as a charitable contribution, or the total amount may be fully deductible as a business expense. Consult your tax advisor.”

Oh goodness … I wonder how they figured that out?  They’re really sorry about how they lied to you about the write-off in previous years … just not sorry enough to tell you so.  And because Mike and Vivian are such god damn humanitarians :: I’m not even going to send them my bill for the “Fucking Basics of Business” consulting which they so unhappily received.  Rejects!

Anywayz :: single ladies :: I beg of you … don’t give these rat fucks another penny.  Want an alternative since I keep killing all your precious unicorns?  Fine …

Use the same thousand you were going to piss away on listening to know-nothing idiots try to sell you on know-nothing bullshit :: and take someone in your life out to lunch :: once a week :: for the next 52 weeks. At that lunch :: keep your stupid mouth shut :: and try listening. Other people want to be listened to … but no one wants to listen. Take some poor kids you know out … listen to them. Then say things like :: “You’re a smart little turd. I see bright things in your future.” Take your Mom out … and your sister. Take someone you hate out … and listen just to torture yourself. Take out some peeps you know you fucked up with :: and then just listen to them. Take out people you might like to sell to later … but just listen for now. Take out someone shy who never goes out :: they’ll talk if you listen. Take out your pastor :: and some of the veterans that you must know. That girl who is only obnoxious because she’s super insecure … try listening to her over fried foods. How about the babysitter … or that one lady in the PTA who does all the fucking work?

End of the 52 weeks :: oops! :: you accidentally grew as person by not focusing on what you could do to grow as a person.  Funny how that works …

>> bleep bloop