11964 Crest Place, Beverly Hills

Home for Sale

11964 Crest Place, Beverly Hills, 90210

4 bed // 5 bath // 7,234 sq ft {bachelor pad}

Fortunately for you lucky home buyer, this beautiful contemporary Mediterranean in tasteful Beverly Hills has just come back on the market. It was purchased in March of this year by famed motivational speaker James Arthur Ray for a modest $4,000,000 in blood money. He has manifested this home with powerful quantum energies and increased its value by e = m_c_². Unfortunately, due to a tiny bit of criminal negligence and death, he’s now forced to let this enchanted home go at the fire sale price of just $5,495,000. A 37% percent inverse reduction!

This home features a large great room with its own private death lodge.

The death lodge was hand crafted by a professional manipulator using only real polyvinyl chloride and is guaranteed to be air tight. Have friends and family over and destroy their internal organs in style.

The Dorian Gray dining room features stately chairs, heavy tomb curtains, and what real estate scientists call “building cancer.”

Eat as quickly as possible before the evil that is consuming the room begins to feast on the flesh of your soul. Ladies will love how the stinking smell of festering rot lightens the morning appetite.

This is no ordinary home. Each of the rooms is geometrically shaped to the strictest standards of fake quantum physics modified euclidean geometry. And each is haunted by the screams of the innocent. Their pain drips from the faucets, and bubbles up in the pipes. The walls scream for justice day and night, providing endless entertainment for lovers of horror.

And what demon possessed cult house would be complete with out a master bedroom fully stocked with accomplice hos?

{ceiling fan not included}

Call Daralyn Allen at {310} 279-0505 to schedule a showing :: or drop by anytime and hurl a sack full of dog shit.

>> bleep bloop