Jason and The Droid :: Part 1



Salty Droid:  Special guest with us on the blog again today.  His name is Jason Jones :: and you’ve never fucking heard of him. Jason writes a blog about savory robotics and high end hair conditioners {or something} :: who cares … fuck him! :: Jason … welcome to the fake show.

First question :: Who is the Salty Droid?

Jason Michael Jones: Interesting question Droid.  First time I’ve heard it {fake laughing … in the distance a choir full of angels sings}.  I would have loved to have told you myself … maybe with a titch more distinction.  But you did, in fact, just answer the big question genius bot.

SD:  So you’re not a fucking robot then? {sucks to be you!}

JJ:  Nope.  I’m a real boy.

SD:  I notice that you said “boy” :: probably making a Pinocchio reference like every “tough guy” should :: but I’m thinking it’s an accurate descriptor for you.  You’re a bit dainty aren’t you?  A bit light in your britches?  Suddenly I’m way less afraid of you :: Fuck you asshole!

JJ:  But you started off with fuck you?

SD:  Yeah :: but I was hesitant about it.  I don’t want your sorry ass snooping around the ol’ machine shop :: if you know what I mean?

JJ:  I’m pretty sure I don’t.

SD:  Anyways :: your a skinny little bitch :: almost runt like. Why should I fear you?

JJ:  I don’t think anyone was worried about losing a round of fisticuffs to me … or that you were actually going to burn their eyes out with your “lasers” —

SD:  HEY :: Easy there Daddy!  I will put out some mother fucking eyes I if have to.  And don’t “air-quote” my lasers either Tiny Tim or I’ll show you what I’m about here and now :: er :: right?

JJ:  Nope, sorry.  You can’t put out eyes.  We’re the good guys … and you are totally fake.

SD:  I find that very disappointing.

JJ:  You can still talk about putting people’s eyes out though …

SD:  … and using them as the eyes on the pancakes I just ordered but never planned to eat :: like throw away eyes without souls :: lying around with empty packets of butter and spilled cream?

JJ:  Sure.

SD: Acceptable.  Tell us more about yourself :: and keep it short because I’m already bored.

JJ:  I was born in Detroit in 1975 to some poor, but really nice, people {I love you Mom!}.  We moved to Northern Utah when I was two for reasons I’ve never understood, and I was raised in the land of the Saints.

SD: So you’re a fucking Mormon?  Holy balls!

JJ:  No, I’m afraid we were rabid Pentecostals.

SD:  Holy balls! Like speaking in tongues :: exorcisms :: rolling around on the floor :: that kind of shit?

JJ:  Exactly that kind of shit.  And I was true believer.  Zero doubts.  No doubts.  Doubts are just the first step towards heroin and random gay sex in the alley behind the abortion clinic.  It turns out that Pentecostal fanaticism is not one of the top ten keys to fitting in to Mormon society.

SD:  I’ll bet it also helped that you refused to keep your fucking mouth shut no matter the circumstance? Anyway Susan :: let’s speed this story along so we can get to the awesome parts about me.

JJ:  Okay. Started working when I was 13.  Dishwasher, carpenter’s assistant, and then as an optical technician through High School.  Almost failed out of High School for not giving a shit … but didn’t.  Enlisted in the Air Force after High School like my Father had … but didn’t have to go to Vietnam and watch people die like he did.

SD: Bonus! I hear that place sucked ass.

JJ:  Yeah, that’s what I hear as well.  After I got out of the Air Force I moved to Alaska and went to the University of Alaska.  My military status made my admission automatic and covered for my High School sins.  The GI Bill paid for most of my tuition and books.

SD:  So you are a product of the welfare state?  Living off the public tits?

JJ:  That’s not a very generous way to phrase it … but that’s essentially correct. Without the US Military, going to college would have been impossible for me. But it was possible … and I got my Biology degree in three years.  I was an RA my last year, a terrible job which I hated.  I met Kate … someone else who hated being an RA … and we turned our mutual hatred of “ice breakers” and “remember that name” games into a ridiculously strong 11 year marriage.

SD:  Until just now when she found out that you were the Droid and she dumped your useless ass?  Boom!  Snap! Suck it asshole!

JJ:  Nope.  She loves you Droid.  You are doing good works … and she’s a good person.

SD:  Oh.  She sounds like a classy lady.  Fine :: continue :: quick like.

JJ:  Fine. Then Morningstar in Chicago … fun.  Then law school at George Washington in DC … even more fun.  Then fixing up and flipping shitty rental properties in Ann Arbor while Kate went to Michigan Law … not so fun.  Then back to Chicago for the beginning of her crazy career in Big Law.  I co-founded a legal outsourcing company with one of my friends from law school.  He got us in the Miami Herald … because he was cool like that {link}.  But it didn’t help. We couldn’t convince enough lawyers that it was a good idea.

SD:  Maybe that’s because lawyers don’t give a rat fuck about saving their clients money?

JJ:  Okay sure.  I’m glad you said that and not me.  I’d hate to irritate any rat fucks who don’t care about saving their clients money. We wouldn’t want anyone to have to try anything new or different would we?  That would just be too scary.  And god forbid we trust one of India’s 300 million genius level intellects with our precious document review projects … oh no … we can’t give up beautiful life sustaining document review …

SD:  Hate to interrupt your bitterness :: but at what point in all this were you an Internet Marketer?

JJ:  At no point.  I’d never even heard that phrase until 2008.

SD:  But you did kill a man and then bury his body in your basement below a freezer full of discount meats?

JJ:  Nope.

SD:  You have a brother/sister who works as a crack whore in Dallas?

JJ:  I have one sister, Jennifer, who is a year younger than me.  She is a Captain {soon to be Major} in the USAF and is a lawyer for the JAG core.  She’s been all over the world … she rocks … and I’m proud of her.

SD:  Maybe one of the D-bags should go and harass her?

JJ:  Great plan! Better bring some guns … I hear they have some guns where she’s at.

SD:  So why were you “hiding behind” a robot?  Prone to unreasonable fear?  Tendency towards vaginitis?

JJ:  I’m not “hiding” behind you Droid.  You are a creation of mine.  You are fun, and interesting, and abstract in a way that doesn’t allow for easy classification or explanation.  What you’re doing stands alone without reference to my resume, or my past, or my person.  I wanted you to matter more than me.

SD:  One of the smartest fucking things you’ve ever said … ever!  And I congratulate you on your clear success in this matter.  I fucking rule! :: You pale in comparison … which reminds me … fucking fuck you are one pale mother fucker.

JJ:  Thank you.  I hear vampire skin is getting trendy again … so I’ll take that as a compliment.

SD:  So why reveal yourself now?  Why sully my abstract glory with the concreteness of your boring reality?  We were getting plenty o’ readers without you … and all the D-bags were hilariously wasting piles of money trying to find you.  Why now punk?

JJ:  Good question.  Come back tomorrow and I’ll tell you a crazy story …

SD: >> bleep bleep

37 thoughts on “Jason and The Droid :: Part 1”

  1. Silence…. shock… awe… disbelief
    Can our hero defeat the evil bad guys with his secret identity revealed?!!
    Yes, because “A droid by any other name would smell as… um… ….    ready to defeat the bad guys?”

  2. Rock -on!  Nice to meet you Jason.  Glad to see you still doing what you promised to do way back when you enlisted – protecting the weak against the bullies.  That’s what it’s all about.
    If your JAG sister finds herself needing anything in Kabul (or Bagram, or Kandahar), drop a line.  Us slimy contractors can do lots of stuff.

  3. *whistles while we hear crickets chirping in the background*
    so uhm…. uhm….. did you guys hear about Tiger Woods?  LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
    <object width=”425″ height=”344″><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/iISyPz5XRyI&hl=en_US&fs=1&”></param><param name=”allowFullScreen” value=”true”></param><param name=”allowscriptaccess” value=”always”></param><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/iISyPz5XRyI&hl=en_US&fs=1&” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowscriptaccess=”always” allowfullscreen=”true” width=”425″ height=”344″></embed></object>

  4. Harlan Kilstein you better pay up  fat bitch ..and you better make it fast … like YESTERDAY.

  5. Hey Jason….I’m in Chatham Islands, New Zealand…..it’s tomorrow here :)
    waiting patiently….
    One potato …two potato…three potato…four….
    five potato…six potato…seven potato…..more…..
    hmmm….if I watch the lottery numbers in New Zealand, I will still have a day to play them before the draw in Canada…..butt….and here lies the rub…when I call them into Canada…the phone line bridges Canada’s past with New Zealand’s future…it wobbles the mind…
    waiting patiently……
    I’m thinking of opening up a hair transplant clinic for bald dolls…ever since I was a child, the site of a bald doll just bothered me…okay granted …..it would take a lot of resources for such a plan…I mean I would need to have at least One Million Doll Hairs!!! …hahaha…okay that was a bad joke (fuck…don’t use the term bad…I don’t even have the term bad in my vocabulary, it was humor not yet realized)…
    waiting patiently…..
    {sing}If I had a million doll hairs…do do…green dresss….do do…that’s cruel….
    okay….jeez {mumbling} tomorrow gawd dam it….err…..

  6. I’m certifiably impressed.

    What I find interesting is that the questionable, egomaniacal IM’ers (let’s refer to them collectively as “chowderheads”) previously thought they were dealing with some average loose cannon somewhere. Obviously, they now know they were not. This guy is sharp and not an adversary I’d ever want.

    I’ll also add one thing. He now has a following. So if you’re one of those “chowderheads,” realize you’re now dealing with him and an army. Now would be a very good time to waffle off into the distance.

  7. Now I figured out why Harlan Kilstein made the video about exposing scams, it was so he could SEO for the keyword phrase “Harlan Kilstein scam” and “Harlan Kilstein fraud” and other phrases under that topic so that when people would google they would get to his sites first where he exposes those diet ads or whatever and he hoped that people would see him as trust worthy.
    Nice try.

  8. Well freaks :: This was supposed to end all the silly speculation about who I am.  Guess not!  Alas.  For the record :: I’m not world famous game designer Jason Jones {lead on all the Halo games … maybe you’ve heard of them}.  But if that Jason calls me and offers me a job getting his coffee and telling him how cool he is … I’ll fucking take it.

    @_Cartman_ :: I’m sorry about the mix up with time-space.  I blame string theory.

    @Dave :: Sometimes the Major reads the blog … so now she knows that Kabul is a warm and welcoming place to loud mouth American chicks.

    @ChowderHeads :: Here comes trouble mother fuckers.

  9. It would have been nice to be able to continue living behind the Droid persona, because then people are focused on the message instead of the man, but I know you had to do this because the D-Bags need more than words in this ongoing battle.
    I know you needed to do this, and I certainly know why, and I absolutely commend you for standing tall.
    Your voice speaks for the victims as well as ethical business folks who have been frustrated for too long by what’s happening in this niche.
    And on a personal note, I’ve found it hysterical how many lengths some have taken to try and figure out who you are. I think you’ve killed a few people’s hobby today. :)

  10. Just taking leave of reading cosmic connies James Ray story, phew, gotta give that girl some creds.   Like who gives a shit who Salty is anyway.  Its not the who you are but what you stand for that makes this site pretty full of awesomeness.    The guys you snark about mostly seem to have really bad hair days when salty rubs it in which is what their victims promised upon discovering that they were fully screwed by a d-bag.   So above all like “Name Not Important” said:
    “Your voice speaks for the victims as well as ethical business folks who have been frustrated for too long by what’s happening in this niche.”

    Thats what this is all about.  Not letting the weazels eat all the precious meal and only offer up shit in return. To the d-bags who then claim Christianity as their motivating force God help them is all I can say.  Thats about as low as it gets but I dont think anyone expected anything better of these freaks so it creates a few bonus laughs.  Oh and for the largest and ugliest weazels who offer charm, deception and an extra bang for your bucks, beware, nothing is hidden that shall not be revealed…….in good time.  The girls are out in force….

  11. If you are not an internet marketer and never have been – how did you hear about these guys and what made you start going after them?

    1. @DooDoo Brown, A neutral, non-antagonistic questioner wouldn’t start out with the confrontational elongation, “IF you are not an internet marketer and never have been…” They would simply ask the question. SD doesn’t need to re-validate himself for you, and his background is easily confirmed regardless of your agenda.

      1. @Kenneth,

        So hostile and assuming here…

        I merely wanted to preface my question with
        “If you are not an internet marketer and never have been”
        so that he knew why I was asking the question in the first place. Without that information, I would not have given enough information to get the answer to my question.

        I am not asking him to “re-validate” himself.

        I was simply browsing the site that he spent so much time creating, researching, and writing on when I read that he was not an internet marketer and never has been. He said he hadn’t even heard the term until 2008.

        This makes me seriously curious as to what made him go after these guys specifically.

        Are you just looking for someone to flame? I don’t understand. It is a legitimate question. There are tons of douche bags in this world – even bigger ones than these guys (believe it or not). So, what would compel someone that is not even part of this niche to go after these guys specifically?

        I was just seeing if SD could shed some light on his specific plight against these guys as opposed to the many other D-Bags you could go after. I seriously don’t see anything wrong with this question – so just chill out man.

          1. @Frank,

            Now we are name calling? You don’t know what you are talking about.

            Each of my comments addresses a different subject on a different post. If they were collective, I would have written them all on one comment.

            This is the one thing I dislike about the internet. If you said that to me in person, there would be due consequences.

            Again, it was a seriously harmless question. I am just wondering why someone that is not involved in the IM niche would spend this much time and effort on a personal crusade to change it. There must be some history or personal vendetta that SD has based on a specific experience. People just don’t decide one day to do all this.

            I am just trying to understand where he is coming from. Isn’t that the point of this site?

            1. @DooDoo Brown, “or personal vendetta.”

              That’s a charming, neutral way to question someone, isn’t it?

              That is not a neutral, non leading question.

              What did you say about “name calling?” Didn’t you just issue this nasty threat to a commenter in another post:

              “I would love to meet you in person. I guarantee you wouldn’t say that to my face.”

              Case closed, jackass.

          2. @Frank,


            I used “personal vendetta” after I was poked and prodded about my original question.

            Are you slow or something?

            It sure seems like SD has a personal vendetta. If I am way off base then explain it to me – that’s why I asked the question in the first place.

            When stupid people band together it doesn’t make you look smarter…

            1. @DooDoo Brown said:

              “It sure seems like SD has a personal vendetta”

              Then perhaps the U.S. justice system also “sure seems like it has a vendetta.”

              What a ridiculous assumption, “Doo Doo.” You truly are a mouthpiece for the scammers you love.

            2. “You truly are a mouthpiece for the scammers you love.”

              Again, assuming that I for them just cause I am against you and your stupid reasoning. Douche.

              “Then perhaps the U.S. justice system also ‘sure seems like it has a vendetta.'”

              That doesn’t even make sense tard. The US justice system didn’t create this site, SD did. And comparing SD to the US Justice system – well I don’t even want to get into that. That is a whole other conversation. And you are probably too dense to even grasp it. Let’s just say, I don’t think SD would compare himself to them and leave it at that.

  12. Wished Jason would have made Salty’s arms longer. because its all about the arms on a robot

    1. @poopies, If you look closely, you’ll discover that his arms are also not only extendable OR retractable, but simultaneously extendable AND retractable. That’s like watching the zooming in and out scene from the movie “Vertigo” in real-time.

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