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Salty Droid

SEO 4 U and Me

searching for shits

There is a WAR going on between The Salty Droid and Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein {maybe you’ve heard?}. One of the least important battles in that war is the struggle to dominate the Google rankings for the useless search term “harlan kilstein.” The ManTurd and The Droid have different approaches to the problem {natch!} :: Different Strokes for different folks/fucks.

The Kilstein SEO Method

  1. File false DMCA claims for ANY blog post :: video :: or picture that ranks on the first page.

  2. Set up a bunch of crap blogs with no content :: :: :: :: :: :: :: Tag the metadata of crap blogs with the name that sank 1000 shits :: “harlan kilstein”

  3. Set up some equally spammy social media profiles :: Fake Twitter :: Fake Fans of Bollywood {he probably does love it though} ::

  4. Hire an Eastern European outsourcing company to click on all the links and add ever more nodes to the “Hiding Harlan” network.

  5. Wrap it all up with a giant pink bow {for gayness} :: and wait for some sweet searchin’ success.

The Droid SEO BattlePlan

1) All of this talk about WAR reminds me of how Modern Warfare 2 came out this week. OMFG Sweet!

2) Remember how life was so totally lame and suck-town before Modern Warfare 2 came out? Those were dark times :: dark times :: but they’re over now. It’s time to forget those days :: It’s time to live {in front of the TV} god damn it!

3) Why the fuck didn’t I get a special helmet or something in MW2 as a reward for being a 10th Level in COD4? I was sure there would be something :: a special teabagging perk :: a golden crown :: an in game T-shirt that reads “Obsessive” :: Something! Throw me a bone here. Were all those crazy late nights trying to get G3 head shots just a waste of time? {don’t answer :: peace comes from not knowing}

EDITOR’S INTERRUPTION :: Excuse me Mr. Droid. I don’t want to upset you, and please for the love of all things holy don’t mention me on your blog, but you were supposed to be discussing the search engine optimization strategies that you use to rank for “harlan kilstein.”

4) Oh that’s right :: Please accept me not pretending to be sorry as my official apology. I only need the one line anyway …

5) Focus on the writing :: Ignore Google.

The Say No to SEO approach :: along with being cheap and easy to implement :: has been whipping ass for months. The Droid has been an ever-present on the first page of all derivations of the “harlan kilstein” search since July. It has poor Mr. Shitstein’s cold heart completely aflutter.

Internet Marketing Gurus love to use the term Web 2.0 :: But they seem to have no idea what it means and they continue to try and prepare their ‘businesses’ for success in the late Nineties.

The search engine rankings of this blog have NOTHING to do with the shellackings that are being handed out. Victory on the modern web is about starting conversations among real people … not about doing some perverted dance for an algorithm that doesn’t understand parody {or laugh at small penis jokes}.

SpamBlogs and Lovers-of-Bollywood profiles offer very little protection from Google :: but they offer ZERO protection from dinner party conversions about what a horrible fucking bastard you are.

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