SEO 4 U and Me

searching for shits

searching for shits

There is a WAR going on between The Salty Droid and Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein {maybe you’ve heard?}. One of the least important battles in that war is the struggle to dominate the Google rankings for the useless search term “harlan kilstein.” The ManTurd and The Droid have different approaches to the problem {natch!} :: Different Strokes for different folks/fucks.

:: The Kilstein SEO Method ::

1.  File false DMCA claims for ANY blog post :: video :: or picture that ranks on the first page.

2.  Set up a bunch of crap blogs with no content :: :: :: :: :: :: :: Tag the metadata of crap blogs with the name that sank 1000 shits :: “harlan kilstein”

3.  Set up some equally spammy social media profiles :: Fake Twitter :: Fake Fans of Bollywood {he probably does love it though} ::

4.  Hire an Eastern European outsourcing company to click on all the links and add ever more nodes to the “Hiding Harlan” network.

5.  Wrap it all up with a giant pink bow {for gayness} :: and wait for some sweet searchin’ success.

:: The Droid SEO BattlePlan ::

1.  All of this talk about WAR reminds me of how Modern Warfare 2 came out this week.  OMFG Sweet!

2.  Remember how life was so totally lame and suck-town before Modern Warfare 2 came out?  Those were dark times :: dark times :: but they’re over now.  It’s time to forget those days :: It’s time to live {in front of the TV} god damn it!

3.  Why the fuck didn’t I get a special helmet or something in MW2 as a reward for being a 10th Level in COD4? I was sure there would be something :: a special teabagging perk :: a golden crown :: an in game T-shirt that reads “Obsessive” :: Something!  Throw me a bone here. Were all those crazy late nights trying to get G3 head shots just a waste of time? {don’t answer :: peace comes from not knowing}

EDITOR’S INTERRUPTION :: Excuse me Mr. Droid. I don’t want to upset you, and please for the love of all things holy don’t mention me on your blog, but you were supposed to be discussing the search engine optimization strategies that you use to rank for “harlan kilstein.”

4.  Oh that’s right :: Please accept me not pretending to be sorry as my official apology.  I only need the one line anyway …

5.  Focus on the writing :: Ignore Google.

The Say No to SEO approach :: along with being cheap and easy to implement :: has been whipping ass for months.  The Droid has been an ever-present on the first page of all derivations of the “harlan kilstein” search since July.  It has poor Mr. Shitstein’s cold heart completely aflutter.

Internet Marketing Gurus love to use the term Web 2.0 :: But they seem to have no idea what it means and they continue to try and prepare their ‘businesses’ for success in the late Nineties.

The search engine rankings of this blog have NOTHING to do with the shellackings that are being handed out.  Victory on the modern web is about starting conversations among real people … not about doing some perverted dance for an algorithm that doesn’t understand parody {or laugh at small penis jokes}.

SpamBlogs and Lovers-of-Bollywood profiles offer very little protection from Google :: but they offer ZERO protection from dinner party conversions about what a horrible fucking bastard you are.

>> bleep bleep

76 thoughts on “SEO 4 U and Me”

  1. Laughing my ASS off!
    Oh Salty. You really should consider putting out a high priced product teaching people your sweet methods.
    Wait. You just taught pretty much everything there is to know about SEO ranking, and you did it for free? Say it ain’t so! There are a few gurus gnashing their teeth and waling right now.
    Salty, you are The Man!

  2. Here is a question for you my sweets! (or for anyone else who might be able to answer this)
    How is it that if you Google my name that the Fake Karin Hiebert Blog that Harlan Kilstein put up keeps showing up in the top search results?
    It’s not like it is updated, or that there is any activity there- no comments etc.?
    What is Kilstein doing right with that blog that he isn’t doing with his own crap?
    hmmmmmm…such a mystery…

  3. It probably also doesn’t hurt that many of the droid’s devoted readers post links whenever they can (you ARE doing that, aren’t you, reader?).  The best link is of course the full Harlan Kilstein CATEGORY link, which is:

    There are so many blogs, forums, and other places that this link could be posted to (which an appropriate comment of course). If every reader posted it to just a dozen or so places…imagine!

  4. Oh, but dear Droid, there’s another side of this issue you may wish to consider.  You see, some of those Harlan haters whom you’ve managed to engage in conversation and some significant keyword loading on certain post comments would apparently love for you, as their voice, to rank this thing for some other “choice” words along with Harlan’s name to dominate G 1st page.  But yeah, the effort required to rank would leave someone like me with little patience for those details pulling out my Framesi foiled highlights and gritting my teeth, so I can understand.
    Now, isn’t it funny to review your recent Alexa rankings and see your increase in traffic over the past few months…and then…take a look at your real “conversations” amongst us real people here on your blog?  You’ve got a small group of core supporters who comment and visit frequently, but Alexa suggests that you’ve got soooo many more who are just voyeurs (who probably laugh at the few of us “losers” who do participate here.)   He, he, he…snicker, snicker, snicker.
    Oh, I’ve been laughing so hard at one of the major gurus who’s been mentioned here in the comments section only a very few times – but never by you – and a reply he made to one of his lists.  A totally non IM list devoted to his hobby.   You are most definitely getting the attention of those at the other end of the IM guru hierarchy too – not just the bottom feeders like Harlan.

  5. Why is it – when I use FireFox browser to comment as I did in comment above  – lines between my paragraphs disappear and it comes out as one big, large paragraph after posting as it did above?
    And, it won’t let me edit the post after posting like IE will allow?

  6. CHAUCER, GREAT POINT!!!   You are ABSOLUTELY correct!!!!   And, not just for Harlan’s name, let’s give equal opportunity to all these scammers here.

    We need to show Salty Droid some link love for his efforts here.

  7. I just posted Fuckhead’s snakeoil cure for Swine Flu on BoingBoing. Here –
    I “fingered” him, as it were. Congrats on your #2 on Google. I’ll link to you from every page on my PR3 blog soon. Usually works a treat for the SERPS. I have a shitload of good backlinks. And I don’t like this cunt. Just got to find a nice C.U. of an asshole to make a clickable image from. Fun eh?

  8. Here’s the actual SEO table from Market Samurai for “Harlan Kilstein”


    Salty Droid could easily take #1 position if the quality of the incoming links were better, so everyone who has a blog should be linking using “Harlen Kilstein” not Salty Droid or anything like that.


    Buy Market Samurai from my girl friends affiliate link now ;)!

    1. Hmmm nice try… but unless you link using teh words “Harlan Kilstein” nothing is going to happen to the rankings for Salty Droid for that term :)

  9. Recently i launched my own website. Naively i just assumed you put your site on the web and away you go.I knew nothing about SEO but i soon learned,it was a case of having to. The first month i had no idea really what i was supposed to be doing in getting my site noticed by the search engines. When the penny finally dropped and i came to realize about keywords and especially anchor text key words in blogs and replying to blogs, also i found one of the most important tools is original content on your site, it came quite easily in boosting my page position. When i started out my site appeared on page 27 of Google and this was out of 60 million results that Google pulled up. Within 10 weeks i am now on page 1. My other key words pulled up over 240 million results and i am currently on page 2 for this. I have had no training in SEO and i have not paid for a single thing in terms of links or help from any SEO companies. It is boring and tedious but you just have to stick at it, day in and day out. At first the rewards come slow and there are times when you actually think you arn’t making any ground but after 3-4 weeks i did start to notice my position gradually improving and this then gives you the boost to stick at it. It’s not rocket science and does not requires any great skill to accomplish, just very long winded at best. You only get out what you put in and this is just the way of the world. I havent mentioned what my site is called incase it comes across as spamming something that i am certainly against.   

  10. Not another wanker who has AHA moments?  Yeah I’m all for putting links on everything about all of these guys.  Why not start now and call it the AHA link.

  11. OK smartasses – looking at you Fanny Spanker – I changed the anchor text to Harlan Kilstein but I still think “Fresh Asshole anyone” was funnier. Up yours.

    1. Which link?

      Also you still need to link from the text not the image to get the link juice here.


      I am helping you here, no need to get snippy.

  12. Ok, here’s some interesting stats.  Using the Google options on search, last 24 hours, Shitstain has added himself to “The Geek Atlas” and even more interestingly, 8 hours ago he set up a “Blogazine” for fingering on Caboodle, which he apparently didn’t bother noticing is the Hearst Network for Women.  Is he about to post his perversions for unsuspecting ladies to read?  Or is it another attempt to win the SEO battle?
    What a putz.

  13. I’ll second the earlier comment. If everyone here would take just a few seconds to post some links as mentioned (with the anchor text, “Harlan Kilstein”) it would make a BIG difference. However, most people (statistically) won’t even bother, because they think, “Oh, other people will do that.” Well, they won’t. That’s how reality works. So if YOU actually give a flip, YOU will post some links. It really is easy! Try it.

  14. This site currently ranks 24th for a broad match on his name and points here:
    I don’t think it will take many outside links to bump it up to the front page as the existing links get this site indexed very well, it’s just a matter of theming to that link.
    If you guys really want to bump Salty’s rankings, use the URL listed above with “tag” as the sub-cat instead of “category”.

  15. Riddle me this ladies :: Why does the Victimizing the Victim post on my old blog rank so high? 

    It ranked within a week … and it’s held strong for months.  Any random post about Kilstein on this blog gets more views within a single day then that post has total.  And it has ZERO incoming links.  So why?  If you can’t answer that question :: then what makes you think you can answer ANY questions about how the algorithm works?

    I’m interested to see how this linking experiment works out :: but I think you bitches might have missed the point.  Who cares where I rank? FYI :: even with the sweet ranking and the provocative headline :: searches for Kilstein rarely produce more than 5 clicks to the old blog in a single day.  Useless!

    If you want to help with my missionary work {please do!} … then FUCKING SAY SOMETHING.  Don’t just link to my tags.  If you have a blog … write a post about what a fuck he is … take a stand.  Give him some grief on Twitter … encourage other people in the biz to boycott him … don’t work with people who work with him … etc.

    We are trying to convert hearts and minds around here … not whoring for clicks.

      1. I’m in favor of yard peeing … for sure. I pledge to laugh for 30 str8 minutes if this blog ranks 1st for his name. But Google is a black hole that can’t be steered by mere mortals.

        I’m guessing that praying to Baal would be just as effective as giving a fuck about your anchor text.

        SEO is a unicorn. Prove me wrong.

  16. Buried Comment: Show

    pheeeeewwwwsh! Wiping my brow…
    Glad you stepped in there Salty…all that -no- follow -anchor text -URL  -linky dinky thingy talk was overwhelming and seriously made me want to puke.
    Felt like I was in an SEO forum/portal type place getting lessons from a bunch of know it all Guru’s… just sayin’ …you know what I mean kids! And I love you all—
    The whole thing is…or the point is that you are NOT doing SEO or TRYING to rank higher- YOU JUST ARE!
    *consistent blogging  and linking within your OWN BLOG seems to be doing the trick!
    been re-reading the blog post a few times it is very educational and enlightening…point number 5 is the key point…


  17. Here’s number 6. to Salty’s list
    How do you know if you’re on the right track?
    6. When you start getting spammers commenting on your blogs. They tend to pick out sites with substantial traffic.

  18. Wow, when will Harlan Kilstein stop with his bullshit?
    Check out his new crap exposing the lies about the law of attraction, then taking you to a sales page for his latest law of attraction, myth-busting scam – only $59!
    Well it’s cheaper than “Physiology of Nonsense” and his “You’ve Been Fingered” crap. – the optin page – the landing page (so you don’t need to opt in to see it)

  19. Note to self.
    These guys are now denouncing some part if not all of the law of attraction or the secret as not being quite how they would present it YET when it first came out they couldn’t sing enough praises about it because the money was rolling right on in.  Could it be that  now the only thing left to make money out of is to make some sort of hypocricy out the whole scam and sell that?   These guys are weird freakin pathetic SOBS who are parasites in our society.  If you have an ant problem you find every freakin way they are getting in and pour poison down the hole dont you?  I dont see these freaks as any different so they deserve the same treatment.  Thats what they are getting and that is what they will continue to get until they do something of real value like apologise to all the people they whose lives they fucked up because of their greed.
    As you can see I’m not very sympathetic to these whining hypocritical parasites.

  20. why would Harlan say that he got frustrated with the law of attraction after The secret, when at the time the secret came out he was bragging about how many digits he made a year and how much money he will make , ad naus. Fucking fake

  21. Harlan Kilstein glams onto the “thing of the moment” like a fly on shit. Except that flies deserve more respect.

    Let’s hope he never sticks his finger up his ass. It would just come out with another product stuck to it.

  22. Yet another absurd tweet from Harlan Kilstein:

    Fall Asleep Wake Up Rich. 0:50 1 AM Nov 13th from web

    (Remove the 8’s if you want to go there…be prepared to throw up.)

    Seems like he’s really pushing the FTC envelope with that tweeted claim. Maybe the FTC and Florida AG should be informed of Harlan’s “get rich while you snore” b.s.

    1. He’s arranging to have his profile included on teen sites?? That seems very questionable. Maybe that info should be forwarded to the appropriate personnel.

      I wonder what other activities this man is up to? Does he not have ANY normal limits?

  23. Oh dear Salty, you say your \”Say NO to SEO\” has worked wonders. Well, if Kilstein actually knew about SEO then you wouldn\’t be on the first page. Google doesn\’t give a shit about writing quality. A spun-off, exact word-to-word copy-pasted web page can rank higher than the original page. A nonsensical software written article can rank higher than a Pulitzer prize winning article… If one knows what he/she is doing of course…

    Hell, I could easily usurp you off the page for that harlan kilstein term AND rank higher than you (#1) for your own name, \”Salty Droid\”… But I won\’t do that \’cause that will be a waste of time.

    Unless you agree to publicly admitting that once in a while the Salty Droid spouts BS too and that you were pwned by The Droidinator ;)

    What say?

    1. @Droidinator

      You don’t need you to tell me that Kilstein is an unworthy adversary :: I’m well aware. It’s just funny that he’s losing at his own game to someone who is not even playing.

      Sure get yourself ranked number one for “Salty Droid” :: fine by me. People don’t come here from search. I’ll bet 90% of the searches for “Salty Droid” are just people too lazy to bookmark. It doesn’t have to be about search anymore … you can aim for readers instead of clickers.

      However :: if any SEO legends what to prove to the world how fucking terrific they are … I’ll gladly turn over the controls to you. Get me ranked on the first page for every scammer I write about … WITHOUT changing the titles of my posts or messing with the writing. I promise to be impressed.

      1. Oh sure. While I won\’t help you get ranked for EVERY scammer you write about since I have better things to do, I can get your post \”Testiphonials\” ranked for good ol\’ Harlan on the 1st page.

        And you might have noticed that it doesn\’t even contain the name in the title or the URL.

        No need to change the title, the text, or anything else.

        Of course you can pick any other name and/or any other post…

        What say?

        1. In my opinion Salty Droid doesn’t need any help. These so called internet marketers are unintentionally helping to boost his ratings by their own devious actions. All this attention they are giving him is better than months or years of manually trying to get listed in Google. If they keep it up he’ll be one of the top listings under each of their names in no time at all. I think the man has a plan and they’re playing right into it.

  24. @droidnator we are all waiting for you to back up what  you’ve claimed … but like all the little bitches on here you just talk shit. “Silly bitch, tricks are for kids.”

  25. Just googled “harlan kilstein” came up that truthandlies site was 1st ranking for his page.  Oh I’d like to be a fly on the wall at some of these idiot’s houses. I bet they are too stupid to quit, and still trying to plot something horrible that is going to back fire on them.
    They can be so intelligent when it comes to deceiving gullible or emotionally vulnerable people. I think we can all be vulnerable to these idiots at some point in time, depending on our life circumstance, but these guys are total idiots when it comes to common every day sense.
    I mean it’s no biggie taking candy from a child, but threatening a lawyer’s wife who’s a lawyer herself at Hastings. LOL LOL LOL
    You need to sew your private investigators lmao and get your money back. Guess what goes around comes around doesn’t it .
    I’m thinking the PI had a conscious and a soul and purposefully left that the family is full of well connected attornerys out. They probably knew these idiots would dig their own graves to hell lol.

  26. “sew” Maria Andros style lol  Salty are you going to go after Maria Andros too? I mean can you sue a mentally retarded scammer?

  27. @ messages sent to Maria A. Andros every day on average
    5.98 Previously 25.47

    Response sent from Maria A. Andros every day on average
    2.19 Previously 2.88


    Chances of Maria A. Andros mentioning your username
    1 in 4.12


    Time it takes Maria A. Andros to read their direct messages everyday Based on taking 4 seconds to read 140 characters. If they actually read them.
    0.4 mins

    LOLOLOLOL  She must literally be GLUED to the screen waiting her next sucker. Excuse my dirty mouth but this shit is getting better and better… have a look at this site:

    1. 6 messages a day from 48,492 shills….not bad….a celery like following if ever I saw one…

      I think the following  two statements say it all

      Maria A. Andros is becoming increasingly engaged on twitter.
      Maria A. Andros is becoming less popular on twitter.

      hmmm….so the more she talks to people, the less popular she becomes….

      yeah…..that’s about right….

      I noticed some “silences” among what where her biggest “supporters”, they appear to have stopped associating and dealing with her (at least publicly) completely.

  28. @Vick – Dream on. Rankings don’t happen automatically.
    @Shiny Shoes – Waiting for me, are we Mr. Shiny Shoes? Shows you don’t know crap about SEO. No one gets ranked in a single day.
    Plus, Salty Droid never gave me the go ahead. I’ll begin it once he gives it…

  29. show us proof of your previous skills then, don’t wait for someone to tell you what to do, prove it

  30. Yeah do it.  Do it for Brunson :: that’s a bigger challenge … and I’m no where near the first page.  Kilstein is already a dead man walking.

    What will you do?


    1. 37th position on probably the same on, but can’t check because the US proxy server I use is down.

      Just a marking beacon for when we come back to it…in a week or so….

        1. 28th position for “Russell Brunson” on as of now.
          31st position for Russell Brunson (no quotes).

      1. Update:

        27th position for Russell Brunson (no quotes)
        27th position for “Russell Brunson” (quotes)

        1. Update ….Russell Brunson is rank….

          19th position as of Dec 14, 2009

          20th position as of Dec 14, 2009

  31. You can probably do it yourself. Just add a link to your “Subjectories” thing that says “Russell Brunson” pointing to your “Russell Brunson Rocks the Kasbah” post and it ought to be on page one in a week or 2.

  32. lol look at all these fake bitches trying to kiss ass now, but before you little bitches had a lot of guts eh? That’s right bitches…squirm, sweat, shit yourselves and *beg* for the *just* the opportunity to be behind bars with &&BigBubba&& for the rest of your lives.

  33. 1. Anchor text and article for each of the main d-bags added to the home page :: plus the link to the category page anchored to their names. Happy now fools?

    2. Replying is fixed. The plugin is Chinese {insert joke}.

    3. I’m going to remove the no-follows from the comments … so don’t be assholes. If you don’t know what that means … don’t ask … it doesn’t concern you.

    I hate you guys :: Especially Kenny.

  34. I guess I should have said page 3 for a Salty post.

    Now the hilarious part – a Google search for Harlan Kilstein has 2 Droid posts on page 1, but even better, two of the images shown are from Droid posts.

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