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Salty Droid

Belcher Blogs - Fire 1

small but fat

Twitter is currently the primary base of operations for Perry Evil Jowls Belcher and his Fascist Empire of Turds {FET}. General Chunky Cheeks and his Nazi loving follow script have built a huge army of Drones & Dupes that drive web traffic into his various Scambushes™.

The Droid has been inflicting heavy damage on the FET base. Belcher isn’t allowed to speak to ANYONE on Twitter without The Droid firing a {flaming projectile}. Evil Jowls has been driven to the center of the compound and has battened down the hatches. Rumor has it that he’s resorted to drinking his own urine even though he still has ample water supplies.

Now the war spreads from the city to the country side. Battle Plan –> ALL Belcher Blog posts will be attacked by The Droid Blog. When Evil Jowls Tweets a link to his post :: I tweet a link to my response. When the Drones & Dupes ReTweet his link :: I shoot them mine. Simple.

It sounds like a lot of work … but it won’t be. Perry posts infrequently because he is barely literate. I robo-postulate that he finds writing to be an incredibly painful, difficult, and humiliating experience :: Let’s see if I can’t just make it even worse! Ready :: Set :: Go!

:: FIRE 1 ::


Perry goes to Target {link} :: This inspires him to drop seven sentences worth of wisdom bombs ::

“I spent more than $500 and paid with a credit card, the cool part is… They never asked for my I.D. For $500 bucks.”

Well crafted sentences … for an 11 year old. Tip: Never use the adverb “never” to negate the verb when you’re referring to an isolated event. Let Daddy help you: “They didn’t ask for my ID on a $500 credit card purchase.” There you go sweetheart … now you’re speaking English like the grown ups.

“I had noticed this seem to be a new policy at Target on smaller purchases.”

I’m having noticed that appear to be true also.

“Kudos to you Target. The first retailer to realize when you don’t treat your customers like criminals the tend to like that.”

Exactly! I’m so fucking sick of being asked to show my ID like a common criminal. It’s especially inconvenient when my wallet is already out :: Why not just ask if you can shackle and stuff me in the hull of a prison ship?

“I’m sure Target will get hit with some fraud but the upside in sales will far outweigh the peanuts this new policy will cost.”

He says, pondering possible processes to personally perpetrate the prophesied peanut-fraud.

“I’ll bet the ben counters are stnding on their ears.”

No wonder I’m winning! That’s just idiotic … even for a high school drop out on 10 years probation. I’m embarrassed to have read it :: Or as Evil Jowls would say, “I was embarass to had read it.”

>> bleep bloop