Letters from a Lady

When we last checked in with Maria Andros {The Video Marketing Queen} she was like super stupid and stuff. Last week Maria launched her new “product” :: Surprise! :: It’s just like her old product … but now it’s older … which everyone knows actually makes it newer. Pay attention people! Sweet Jesus!

Maria’s forbidden association with Not-Doctor Kilstein continues unabated. She has been sending me lots of emails lately {you’d think she’d hate me :: but I guess she loves hilarious fucking robots}. Several of these works of staggering genius refer to Not-Doctor Doofstein as “The Ninja King of Copy.” As unapt a description as you’re ever likely to see. Unapt is an excellent overall description for Maria {bonus points for the fact that it’s not an actual word}.

If you were a scam investigation robot you might spend some painful parts of your day reading Mindless Maria’s email spam :: But as you are instead but a whore for The Man :: You best just read the classically comic subject lines ::

Top Ten Maria Andros Email Subject Lines in July

1… The Queen of Pop Vs. The Video Marketing Queen? Who will win…
I’m guessing that NO ONE wins. Suggestion from The Basic Literacy King :: The ellipsis and the question mark should consider trading places.

2… How did “THEY” get so lucky?…
Yeah! How did “THEY” get so lucky{QuestionMarkDotDotDot} I’m so fucking sick of they and their success. Give me mine. How can I make it happen for ME this time Maria? Click on your affiliate link and then pay Tom $25,000 for some platinum level coaching? {link} Great idea! I wish I would have thought of that before I bought health insurance for the family.

3… Is the RIGHT program running you Salty ?
Is the WRONG program running me ? Am I even running ? Who is chasing me ? Why the dead space before the question marks ? All these questions {and more} will be answered when you pay Tom McCarthy $25,000 ?

4… Salty Do you have what it takes to Walk the Social Media Red Carpet…
I’ll just assume the question mark this time. Answer :: If you mean legs and basic motor function … then enthusiastically YES! Answer2 :: If you mean a willingness to give you access to my credit card … then maybe not-so-much.

5… $15K in less than 6 days, after joining the SMTB Program $24 K in 30 days NEVER having made a video before
Wow! That was a good read but now I’m exhausted.

6… Nothing for sale - Just a Personal Email “You will make Money” so Enjoy
P.S. I would like to sell you one or two little things. No big whoop … “I’ll just need $3000” ASAP.

7… Social Media Traffic Blueprint has Now Completely Sold Out - Sorry! (Dramatization)
Dramatization :: The conversion of a text or incident into a play, movie, or other dramatic form. Hmmm :: Well that doesn’t make sense at all.

8… My NEW Secret Weapon & … I blame Harlan Kilstein Special BONUS inside
I blame Harlan Kilstein too :: We finally agree about something. And the NEW secret weapon? It’s likely this {I kid you not} stand alone paragraph ::

you want to look at the fact that as an entrepreneur you can hit a PLATEAU and wonder why am I not getting the results I want?

If that little bit of insight doesn’t bring you success :: Well then :: Yeah, it won’t :: Don’t wait for it.

9… The SECRET even Tony Robbins won’t tell us… Plus+ SMTB BONUS inside
The Secret, Tony Robbins, this headline has it all… Plus+ Minus- DollarSign$ Exclamation!

10… The HARD truth about this industry…that even the GURUS are scared to tell you
Oh! Oh! I know this one! Is it that you are all frauds and cons who build facades of false success and then exploit the trust and Internet naiveté of others without conscience or remorse? Or maybe :: You can’t handle the truth! {Dramatization}

>> bleep bloop