Ninety-Nine Bottles of Scam

Next week Perry “Evil Jowls” Belcher is going to squeeze a new Frauduct out from his ample neck rolls. The ubiquitous, and always cliched, clock is counting down the seconds until “Internet Marketing Will Change Forever!” {link}

Well before things “change forever” :: Let’s remember how things were just last year when Perry Belcher was convicted of fraud and computer crimes for perpetrating a MASSIVE medical fraud. Those were good times {for Perry’s demons at least}.

So fresh is the blood from this crime that most of the FAKE CURES sold by Selmedica Healthcare are still listed on Amazon :: {List of Selmedica Products} :: Each of these 125 products was sold with a page full of ABSOLUTE LIES :: Fake numbers, fake testimonials, fake doctors, fake research data, and guarantees of total effectiveness {example}. Sadly for the sick people :: The pills were actually made with sugar, salt, or whatever FatFace happened to have lying around.

These little non-beauties weren’t cheap either. Some of them were $100 per bottle with a multi-month dose recommended. Such high prices explicitly target the uninsured {it’s expensive so it must do something … but it’s not as expensive as a trip to hospital}.

:: TEN of Perry’s Past Products ::

{TagLine accuracy substantially increased by The Droid}

Renalis :: Kidney stones are nothing to worry about.

Digestrin :: It will be funny when you poop your pants because you thought you were cured!

Vanity :: Because fake fake boobs are the best kind of fake boobs.

Candisil :: Enjoy your yeast infection for as long as possible.

Hyprava :: High Blood Pressure … sounds serious … oh well … take some of these.

Ledoprin :: For when the daughter you don’t love gets a bladder infection.

Seratol :: Don’t let your hemorrhoid adventure end too soon.

Cholestaprin :: It won’t lower your cholesterol … but it does start with the letter “C”

Uterol {PMS} :: You’ll still hate your husband and children … but swallowing pills can be a lot of fun.

Femtrex :: Hey Ladies … can’t orgasm? Have hope {and then feel even worse}!

Perry Belcher :: Not a good man :: Not a decent man :: Not a fucking man at all.

>> bleep bloop