You don’t read books :: obviously :: because you’re an idiot.  But I do :: also obviously :: because I’m an epic robot genius.  Reading books makes you smarter :: it burns more calories than swimming :: and it’s been clinically proven to increase your chances of winning the lottery.  I think … I’m pretty sure … anywayz :: Reading is Fundamental.

But sometimes reading can lead to painful eye bleeding and herniating genitals.  Many people {including Jenny McCarthy … medical expert} say that reading James Arthur Ray’s Harmonic Wealth can cause spontaneous spleen rupture {a very serious condition!}.  But whatevs :: I don’t even have a fucking spleen … or I have three of them.  Point is :: you don’t know … and neither do I … so I’m safe. Bring on this weak ass book …

{reads book … at library … aka “homelessness napping center”}

O – M – G! I’m not going to lie to you :: that hurt me.  I shouldn’t have done it :: the stupidity is going to leave a scar … and the scar may have a case of the herpes.  The Divine Oneness of Eternity demanded that I go through it line by line :: mocking every word :: so that others might be saved from the ravishing of its foolishness.  But that sounded like way too much work :: so I negotiated it down to just doing the Acknowledgements section … the only bit Death Ray actually wrote anyway {The Divine Oneness is a pussy of a negotiator}.

Acknowledgements

“Nothing of a large importance has ever been created without the collective efforts of like-minded and inspired people.”

Nothing of large importance has a first sentence making reference to its own largeness and importance.  Such behavior is reserved for shriveled little fools without ideas.

“As this book moves from pure inspiration to actualization I’d like to express my heartfelt gratitude:

First and foremost the Creative Source.”

The second sentence is not a sentence. Oops!

“Dad, thanks so much for teaching me the value of reading and studying at such an early age.”

And eventually I’m going to get around to doing it too.  I’ve just been so busy with all the hard selling :: scamming :: and murdering.  Maybe I’ll have more time to read in prison.

“Mother, you told me since I was just a little boy that I was special, and that I had something unique to bring to this world. While I didn’t believe in myself for so long and therefore didn’t believe you for many years, you continued to believe and to support me nonetheless.”

Well said.

“You are a living example of the feminine principle of unconditional love and support in this universe.”

Dearest Mother :: thank you for your feminine principle.

“To all the members of my amazing team at James Ray International.”

Again :: not a fucking sentence.  Good god Hyperion :: I get that he’s an idiot … but don’t you have any editors in the house?  I was about to read Mommy Prayers … but now I’m not gonna.  I demand that all my sentences.

“Most specifically, to Megan and Josh Fredrickson, my Director of Operations and Manager of Business Growth, respectively. You two are a power couple beyond description. “

A power couple beyond description? I wonder if maybe they can turn into robot lions that combine to form Voltron … because that really would be hard to describe.

“My sincere gratitude goes out to you daily for believing in what appeared to many to be a crazy vision to impact the world in a powerful way — long before there was any major physical evidence. You two will leave a legacy in this world long beyond your earthly years.”

Well that still sounds super stupid :: but at least he finally got something right. Josh and Megan are going to leave a legacy beyond their years.  People are dead :: lives have been destroyed :: and they were central to the mechanism.   The ripples of that nastiness will be expanding outward through many generations of mother principles.  And what has the mighty power couple done to mitigate the harm of this legacy of doom?  Big fat NOTHING!  Assholes.

“To my brilliant writing partner and collaborator, Linda Sivertsen.”

Here’s to you Linda. His “ideas” are bad enough :: thank the Creative Source that we didn’t also have to suffer through his writing.

“Finally to you, the reader. As mystical as it may seem, I truly believe there are no accidents in this universe.  Everything is perfectly orchestrated for your betterment, growth, and evolution whether you’re consciously aware of it or not.  For this reason, the fact that you’re holding this book is because you’re “supposed”  to read this book at this particular juncture of your journey.”

Huh!  I’m “supposed” to be reading it eh?? Well maybe he’s on to something. Strangely unforeseeable circumstances do have me reading a massively idiotic book … it does all seem a bit mystical.  I guess the Universe wants me to do something.  I guess the Universe NEEDS me to do something.  I wonder what that something might be …

  • Jokes?
  • Photoshop?
  • Tweets?
  • Vast personal wealth?
  • A blog about blogging?

Or maybe I’m “supposed” to tell the people that they are being lied to :: that they are being exploited :: that they are being abused.  Maybe I’m “supposed” to make it clear to them that the predators act knowingly … and with malice.  Maybe the song I’m “supposed” to sing tells about the blood :: and the tears :: and the loss … and the fucks who cause :: and then cackle.  Maybe I’m “supposed” to help make sure that James Arthur Ray is STOPPED.

“Let’s transform the world together.”

Yes :: let’s.

>> bleep bloop