Beached Whale Millions

Cream of Kilstein

Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein’s latest too dumb to be true frauduct :: BeachMillions!  It works like this …

1.  You never :: ever :: never :: ever go to the beach … just like Harlan.

2.  You don’t make any money … just like Harlan.

It’s been over a year since my first post about Not-Doctor Shitstein.  During that time he has become less and less popular :: even among life long assholes. His perverted shenanigans aren’t appreciated by ANYONE :: and the prospect of Law of Attracting my attention by promoting him has made him a virtual untouchable {obviously he’s been physically untouchable since at least the 70’s}.  So complete is my glorious fucking victory that Kilsten has disclaimed himself and started writing in the third person.  First person pronouns :: like trips to the mirror :: have become too painful …

This Man is Running A Seven Figure Business –
While Taking A Stroll On The Beach!

In fact, since he personally developed the secrets of Beach Millions program, his life seems like a chapter from a completely different book. He now has plans to start new projects, goals that were fantasies a few short years ago, and friends that are really curious about his business all of a sudden.

And when they ask him what he does, he looks at them and replies naturally, “I go to the beach, put my feet up, open a book, and the money comes in”.

And I’m sure it sounds totally “natural” coming out of his pasty-as-death fat face. He could have gone with something slightly more honest :: like :: “I go to the bathroom, take off my shirt, open some porn, and the shame comes pouring in.”  I don’t know :: maybe that’s not Six Figure Copy.  Please continue Shitstein …

“He’s more fit than he’s been in more than ten years; he has time to run and time to work out.”

Wow really? That seems impossible.  Maybe ten years ago he was a paralyzed manatee :: in which case he has actually shown some marginal improvement in fitness.

But watch out :: not all ridiculous ripoffs are on the up-n-up …

“Even money-from home money making schemes usually put people into debt. I’ve seen these online schemes and their victims first-hand. They’ve invested their time and money, and haven’t seen the rewards. It’s not what you want.”

Fuck! What kind of world is it where “even money-from home money making schemes” are bullshit?  If you can’t trust ConMen selling golden unicorn turds :: than who can you trust?  Oprah? Tony Robbins? Mork and Mindy?  We’re all doomed!

So what’s the cost of this self-parody of a product?

“The price of the entire Beach Millions system is $97.  The value is priceless.”

Finally something we agree on :: this “value” can’t be fairly priced.

Hey Harlan,

Remember last year when you thought you were going to get into the price fixing cartel :: and you were peeing in your Depends over the prospect of 100’s of orders for shitfest Tactic 7 at $2000 a pop? How’d that work out for you?

You’re welcome.  Have fun at the beach.

>> bleep bloop

112 thoughts on “Beached Whale Millions”

  1. Fucking HILARIOUS!

    Read this joke of a letter yesterday. Absolutely heinous.

    He has to be the most clueless motherfucker ever trying selling a make-money product. From the header graphic all the way down to the bottom of the page, it all smells of bullshit.

    1. @Big Chuck ::

      Actually :: I think I’ve dropped to the second page of his results because I haven’t talked about his bullshit since March. Google just knows that you like me …

      1. @SD, interesting! you’re right. I cleared cookies and did another search.

        Who knew Google was that smart.

        Either way, I wouldn’t be able to get out of my bed in the morning knowing that people could be finding this shit by simply searching my name.

        That boy done fucked up.

        1. @Big Chuck, that boy done f’d up big time. I doubt even his own family would order anything from him. Oh wait.. his family HATES his guts. No luck there.

          He’s going after a really deficient target market. I’m talking so gullible, they probably have slight mental/emotional retardation working against them. Pointing this out not to make fun of people who have emotional problems, but it’s further proof that Harlan likes to target and exploit people who are at a disadvantage.

          Hurry up and buy it please, someone, so that Harlan can move out in his own place and stop being forced to wear mother Kilstein’s dresses. ROTFLAO.

  2. A couple of “oldies but goofies…”



    Tags: Harlan Kilstein, Dr. Harlan Kilstein, Six Figure Copywriting, Overnight Copy, waddler, creepy, wanker, twit, potato salad.

    1. @Flashbacker, I thought Kilstein was cleaning the shower to wash away the evidence.

      Teen boy’s semen and blood can easily be found by CSI teams today.

      P.S.S. Doesn’t Kilstein sound like Woody Allen?

    2. @Flashbacker,

      Jezus, if I’d have his incredibly empowering personality… I’d probably outsource to someone to be me. Ultimate beach millions, baby! He’s so fucking boring.

      He says:

      If you got issues, clean up your act.

      Seems like he’s cleaning up some of his “issues”. Pervy bastard. He’s too disgusting to even talk to. He’s a bastard. And a big one at that.

  3. I love this blog! I have been reading here voraciously for days on end after discovering it through a search for LeeKuanMajor, a legendary troll who has infested my various internet forums for ten years. His latest crusade on behalf of manslaughtering sociopath James Arthur Ray has resulted in much amusement for those of us who are long-time fans of his comic insanity.

    Anyway, to get to the point, I tried my hand at the copywriting biz recently. I know – I should have known better – me of all people. Y’all have no idea how much I hate greedy BS artists (but my friends know, and I’m pretty well-known for it). Even so, I figured, hell, I’m a pretty good writer, and I’m living on Ramen noodles now, so let’s see if this can fly. I’ve always had a solid intuitive understanding of psychology and sales and all of that – it ain’t rocket science.

    So, the first thing I do is register at one of the famous forums for this kind of shit and dive in to test the waters. Very early on, I come across a post by not-Doctor Kilstein, looking for newbie copywriters and telling them the work will be low-paid. Having no idea who not-Doctor Kilstein is (yeah, I neglected to join a mutual back-patting echo chamber and learn all the big names before starting), I ask how low “low pay” is.

    Holy shit! Big mistake. I am informed that not-Doctor Kilstein is akin to a copywriting god and I have made a fool of myself with my presumptuous insolence. I’m told that I should be paying the not-Doctor to even have the opportunity to work with him, and that whatever he paid me, it would be more than my “hack” and “bottom-feeder” low rates (read: reasonable, non-fraudulent rates).

    Anyway, having no idea (until reading this blog a few days ago) that not-Doctor Kilstein is a huge weirdo sleazebag, I make the appropriate apologies and scrape and grovel before the wrath of the community, one of whom is so incensed at the outrage that she turns my question into an entire self-righteous blog post excoriating people for having the audacity to dare question the likes of the Good not-Doctor. Ugh.

    Well, whatever. I chalked it up to the “fuck it” file and went on about my business – actually doing some decent jobs for some good clients who had real services to sell (rather than frauducts). I did take one frauduct job, but upon sitting down to do it, realized I couldn’t stomach having any substantial involvement, so I just proofread the scammy pitch, changed a few minor things, and billed him half price.

    My brief foray into copywriting pretty much ended when I got involved with a “mentor” through that same forum – one who absolutely insisted on up-front payment despite my repeated statements that I couldn’t afford it, and then proceeded to tell me to watch an old Richard Gere movie three times in a row. I could only stand to watch it twice, because three times would have made me a total sucker even in my own eyes. The only reason I watched it at all is because I was into this joker for some money and I figured if this was the retarded shit I’d paid for, I might as well do it – as much as a lesson to myself as anything else.

    Anyway, after the movie marathon, said “mentor” proceeded to completely ignore every message I sent on Skype until I finally demanded a refund. That got me cussed out. Next day, a half-assed “apology” arrives, which was a transparent attempt to convince me to forget the refund. I stood firm and was assured (on his “word”) that I’d get the refund within 3-5 days. 10 days pass, no refund. At this time, he got a pretty scathing letter from me (I can be vicious with words when I want to) and he couldn’t trip over himself fast enough to refund me. A happy ending.

    Anyway, enough rambling. I’m so pleased this blog exists. I knew from the get-go that not-Doctor Kilstein and his fan club were bad news, but had no idea of all that has revealed here. It’s been an education – and a clear confirmation that despite the fact that I’m going to be eating Value-brand macaroni and cheese for a while again, getting out of the sleaze-infested world of copywriting was the right choice.

    1. @Velithaene, Thanks for sharing your story. As one who has done her share of copywriting for decent pay (though hardly at the millionaire level), I can say that it is not intrinsically a sleazy biz – but apparently it becomes one in the hands of the online h-dorks such as Not-Doc Kilstein.

      One of the things that stood out for me in your tale was the bit at the beginning when you were warned that you would receive very low pay as a newbie. Granted, entry-level positions in most industries are low-paid, but it does seem particularly hypocritical for the masters of unlimited abundance to attempt to build their faux-empires on the backs of slave labor — especially when said masters are supposedly rewriting the rules, and so love to claim that the Universe has plenty of money to throw around.

      Of course, Not-Doc K. and his minions are far from the only offenders in this area.

      Towards the end of June, Spain’s representative in the Salty Droid World Cup sent several emails to his mailing list, promoting something he was doing in conjunction with Nitro Marketing founder Kevin Wilke. Here’s one:

      ==begin email==
      From: Joe Vitale
      Subject: The #1 niche… did you miss it?

      Look, if you missed it last Thursday… well… you may have missed out on probably the most wide open way to make 5-figures monthly.

      – You don’t need a website,
      – You don’t need a product,
      – You don’t need a list,
      – And you’ll do it from home in your spare time.

      And did you know you can outsource majority of the work for as little as $1 to $3 an HOUR?!

      The webinar showed you how: [link to webinar]

      Local small businesses are STARVING for your help with online marketing, and they have little to no competition for it.

      Not to mention, this is a PROVEN way to get the experience you need to finally have all those things I mentioned, and make even MORE money down the road…

      63% of the US economy comes from these small local businesses, so you’ll not only make a ton of money, but also be HELPING a lot of people.

      Your business will be of such high value to the local economy, you can only be proud and feel good about it.


      Consider yourself in luck because Kevin Wilke (the expert on this training) is going to let
      me offer you the training one more time at NO charge.

      It takes place tomorrow night at 9:00PM EASTERN sharp.

      Go register NOW:

      [link to webinar]


      ==end e-mail==

      It’s envelope-stuffing all over again.

      I suppose the h-dorks’ rationalization for outsourcing labor at appallingly low rates is that the low-wagers being screwed will eventually find a way to screw other people…I mean, to become successful in their own right.

      After all, the Universe is an abundant place!

      1. @Cosmic Connie,

        The amusing thing I find is, most of these “make money while you lay about in a hammock” sorts that I’ve seen drip nothing but contempt for hourly workers and people who sell their skills for low wages. They spend a lot of time telling you how YOU deserve so much better than that.

        And then in the next breath they instruct you to outsource everything you possibly can … to … um … guess who?

        Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with outsourcing, but common decency suggests you should at least show a modicum of respect for the people doing the actual work. If you want them to continue to work for you, that is (or, at the very least, if you don’t want them to spit in your food).

            1. @Duff,

              That is EXACTLY THE MESSAGE.

              There is only one true message put out by these people, and that is it.

              Be a predator. Be a liar. Be a shark. Be a psychopath.

              The networks these people create are a viral meta-cult which promotes this message like some kind of weird vampiric religion.

              It’s really quite disturbing.

              And it’s not limited to the fat-oid no-chinned hustledorks. It’s pretty much what you’ll learn on any MBA course – but MBA courses use bigger words, and sometimes graphs, also.

              It’s easy to write off someone like no-one-stein as a crank. But the same culture is behind Enron, TARP, the bond markets, and other shining lights in our current economic fuck-up.

              The difference is the players there are vicious professionals, where no-one-stein is just a greasy know-nothing amateur.

        1. @mojo, you’re spot-on in your observations. Many of the New-Wage gurus who preach outsourcing and/or do it themselves — and pay bottom dollar (or nothing) — are like @Velithaene’s “mentor,” in that they claim the underpaid/unpaid are damn lucky to have the opportunity to learn from “the best.” Generally these h-dorks can be heard bragging that their normal rates for consultation or tutoring or whatever is $1,000 an hour or more, ergo, the chance to work for them for $2.00 an hour or less is priceless.

          @Duff, good point about the drama triangle (I know we had a brief discussion about this on Twitter a couple of weeks ago). Of course, there are certain gurus who claim to sell exclusive programs to get people out of that triangle entirely so that they are never in “victim” mode again. Out of the triangle, and into the sales funnel…

        2. @mojo, You’ve hit many nails on the head. The more brilliant people that I know actually work for their success and have something in which to take pride. They conduct real physics research rather than James Ray bullshit quantum physics. They design electric cars.

          But doesn’t Harlan understand that someone needs to clean the toilets (now that they’ve been invented) and that those someones are PEOPLE who deserve respect? Of course I clean my own toilets at home, but at work, we’ve had a couple of great custodians in the last couple of years, one of whom was also an artist and trained horses and one who should really be working as an electrician but the job market is just too tight.

          No shame in doing any honest job… Including copywriting for real products or services instead of frauducts.

    2. @Velithaene ::

      Good story! Thanks for telling us.

      What Richard Gere movie? Why three times in a row? So strange.

      Maybe I’ll start a “mentoring” program called Get Drunk & Watch Monty Python :: who wants to pre-order?

      1. @SD, The Richard Gere movie directive sounds like some weird ritualistic superstitious New-Wage crap. Either that or @Velithaene’s “mentor” is OCD. New-Wagers seem to be big on repetition, repetition, repetition. As I recall, Rhonda Byrne once claimed that a study had proved if you watch “The Secret” just seven times your brain would be transformed. Into what, she did not specify.

        I’m not a drinker, but sign me up for the Monty Python mentoring program and maybe I’ll bring some brownies.

        1. @Cosmic Connie,

          Transformed past the 30-day refund point in which you can typically take that piece of shit back to the store.


      2. @SD, If I’ve been forgiven for my Sleezy Orman ignorance,I’d like to join. But can I drink Welch’s grape juice in a wine glass? Maybe you could develop a high-value program based on the deep mystical meaning of “The Life of Brian”.

      3. @SD,

        Non-drinker as well, but I’m in! So long as I don’t annoy too many people when I start reciting along with the routines. (Total Python nerd…)

        1. @mojo, Count me in among the Python nerds. And @JeanD and @Duff, I think “Life of Brian” is one of the best religious movies ever (besides Kevin Smith’s “Dogma”).

      4. @SD:

        Crowd: “WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!”
        Man in crowd: “I’m not.”


          1. @mojo,
            Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People’s Front?
            Reg: Fuck off! We’re the People’s Front of Judea

            1. @Jean D,

              Reg: Apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, WHAT have the Romans ever done for US?

              Man: Brought peace?

              Reg: Oh, peace—SHUT UP!

          2. @SD, Can you please teach us the true meaning of SPAM? How can we apply SPAM to our lives? Can we have a retreat near the beach in Hawaii, since SPAM is served there in restaurants? Can you lead us through an ancient Hawaiian SPAM ritual? And most importantly, is there a mysterious Viking-Hawaiian SPAM connection “They” don’t want us to know about?


      5. @SD, I’m totally there for the Get Drunk & Watch Monty Python cult. Er, I mean “enlightening teachings”, not a cult. Whoops.

        Can we have the Knights that say Ni as well please? And the Black Knight?

        “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries”

    3. @Velithaene, I am with Cosmic Connie – I’ve been a well paid copywriter for 10 years, and NEVER – NOT ONCE – have I had to write the stupidly long, headline-wrenched sales crap that these a-holes call copywriting (I call it fraudulent hype). I have also had many young writers come to me for help, and I have helped a lot of them get started – and NEVER – NOT ONCE – have I charged them for it. Why? Because I make my money writing, not fleecing innocent, well-meaning people who want to learn. I like helping people write – and I love writing for a living.

      I have only had one client in 10 years who hated my writing. Of course when we partnered for that horrible couple of weeks, he emailed everyone under the sun, telling them what a killer copywriter I was – before ever reading one thing I wrote. He pumped me up to everyone based on nothing, in what would become a trademark kind of move for him.
      His name was Brad Fallon.
      He was at a law office during the day, trying to sell Flash ads to car dealers and e-Golf games at the time (about a year before Stompersham oozed out from the sludge), and trying to do a website for his (then)fiance’s (now divorcee) company.
      He hated my copy, because I sent him first drafts, full of bad writing. Why? Because he was trying to pay me $500 a week to work 40 hours for him, then billing his fiance’s company for much much more. He got his $500 worth of work, and for some reason fired me. Unlike many Stomperdorks, I actually got paid. Best thing ever, getting away from “he-who-can’t-stand-still” – other than Jennifer getting to keep MyWeddingFavors in the divorce. :)
      Then, a year later, I see him with Stompernot, claiming (unsubtantiated, again) what a seasoned expert he was. He is a fluffer.

      I went on to have great clients, and continue to work with great people on real work, selling real products. It makes a HUGE difference – the hustledorks all follow the same fricking mile-long-scrolling-page of hype formula. They claim they do it because it works, I say better, less manipulative writing would also work. (Pssst – it does).
      You’ve got a good attitude for someone who dealt so closely with such huge fuckholes. But don’t let them sour you on writing if it is what you want to do. It does pay well if you work hard, stay active and find good clients. They’re out there too…as are mentors who won’t charge you a thing to help you learn how to do it well.

      1. @Martypants, Excellent comment, and a very interesting story. (I feel awful because I tried to give you a “Thumbs up” rating but my $#%! mouse slipped and it clicked on the wrong icon. Please accept my apologies. I really AM sleep deprived.)

        The formulaic copy that the h-dorks and all of their “students” churn out is so predictable. Who else is sick of reading headlines that begin with, “Who else wants to…?”

      2. @Martypants,

        “They claim they do it because it works, I say better, less manipulative writing would also work. (Pssst – it does).”

        In my experience, honest, clear, yet reasonably enthusiastic sales that doesn’t over-promise works far better in the long term. While you might not strike it rich, doing good business with integrity is always in demand.

  4. Oh, and also, When told I was supposed to be worshiping Kilstein, I went and checked out his actual copywriting – and it blows goats.

    Just wanted to add that.

    1. @Velithaene,

      I see no reason to give that sleazeball “mentor” a free pass here.

      Especially when said mentor forces you to watch Richard Gere movies.

      That’s considered cruel and unusual in 34 states.

      So go ahead and drop some names.

      You’ll feel better — and you just might help someone else avoid falling prey to the same “mentor.”

      1. @InquiringMindWanderingEyes, I’m not convinced the mentor is a truly bad guy, just a typical operator. Also, for the record, I got the impression that the mentor does not like Kilstein.

  5. When you compare the beach millions video to the older ones on youtube, the guy is looking like death or at the very minimum, sick.

    This sickly looking pale guy spends every day at the beach? I doubt it.

    1. @Fred ::

      Agreed! He gone from worst to worstest in the physical appearance category. Must be the stress of all his massive success …

      1. @SD, @Fred: Let’s not forget Not-Doc K’s great work, “The Physiology of Excellence” (which SD wrote about — excellently, I might add — a year ago).

        I came across this “review” of the frauduct:

        The “reviewer,” who goes by the name “Wily Walnut,” wrote:
        “First shocker is that Dr Kilstein, the NLP master, used to be… how can I put this delicately… FAT!!! These days Harlan’s slim and into yoga and looks the business, but when he made this DVD he was a little chunky, and had a WHOLE lotta love to go round if you catch my drift…”

        And this, towards the end:

        “Message to Dr Kilstein: you may have had a fascinatingly tubby tummy when you made this DVD but you have obviously got it going on now. You’ve used your knowledge to improve your own life, becoming slim and successful, widely known online, and you’ve made a great technique available that other people can benefit from.”

        1. @Cosmic Connie, looks like he’s reverted back to his old ways. Food addiction is real, very real.

        2. @Cosmic Connie, I’ve seen “Psychiology of Excellence.” You can, too, if you look in the right places. ;) It’s TOTAL BULLSHIT! Nothing redeeming whatsoever. It’s just a bunch of “rah-rah” psychobabble. Absolutely NOTHING one couldn’t find summarized elsewhere online in one paragraph or less for FREE.

          On top of that, it has the typical Kilstein horrible production values, annoying presentation, etc. Even if there was something of value there, which there isn’t, just suffering through it would be torment.

          Anybody who bought that should have no hesitation in not only sending it back for a refund, but asking for to be compensated for lost time and mental anguish.

  6. Hey Salty,

    I’ve got a great idea. Let’s come up with the dumbest product imaginable and see if someone will actually buy it. I thought the contest already started when I saw “Beach Millions”, but I guess it was a real one.

    Oh, the muse is coming.

    How about:

    “Hammock Billions” — lie around in a hammock all day and make billions.
    “Seashell Sales Domination” – She sells seashells by the seashore and RAKES IN THE CASH!
    “Yacht Riches” — Sit back chilling on your yacht and watch the riches flow.
    “Wealth-wave alignment” -hold on..did that one already
    “Saltwater Droid” — a new blog dedicated to exposing the all these beach-themed schemes.

    Got more?

    1. @Carlon, Sounds like a fun idea, but I think some of the other h-dorks are already way ahead in the “dumbest” department — e.g., the Russian Wish Dolly printout; the magickal oil-clearing audio; Psychic Demand, etc. More relevant to this post are some of Not-Doctor Kilstein’s own frauducts, such as Finger Healing, which the Droid, of course, has covered here. I know there’s been some question about whether or not this is a hoax, but it’s worth a mention anyway. I came across this October 2009 blog post by Not-Doc Kilstein, which demonstrates another example of his stunning copywriting skills:

      1. @Cosmic Connie, “oh, let me help you, here, do my magic exercise and it’ll help… While you’re there, buy my DVD set too…”


      2. @Cosmic Connie,
        One sentence per line.
        What an effective technique.
        A lack of substance, seemingly masked by the drama.
        He is truly a master.

    2. @Carlon, a few more for you…

      White-Water Wealth – ride the rapids & feel like a man while drowning in cash?
      Animal Magnetism – how to attract anything you want to you, especially millions
      Surfing For Success – how to ride the waves of life & make millions
      Magic Millions – touch my magic wand, watch it grow, & I’ll tell you how to make millions
      Thousand-Dollar Throne – come up with your best ideas while dwelling on the throne, and make millions
      Bits of paper with a dolly on it that you print out & use to make wishes…oh, wait, someone’s beaten me to it.
      Luxury Lifestyle – yes, the lifestyle you can only dream of can be yours (if you give me all your money, and then I can berate you for not believing in yourself & using _cartman_’s magic universal mine to manifest everything – give me more money & maybe the universal mine might allow you a glimmer of success).
      Manicure Millions – sit at home painting your nails while the money rolls in!

    3. @Carlon ::

      I think I agree with Connie :: I’m not sure I could come up with anything as stupid as the shit these d-bags are actually trying to sell.

      Although I do like Thousand-Dollar Throne – poop your way to the top!

      To our success,

      1. @SD and @Nikki,

        “Thousand-Dollar Throne – poop your way to the top!”

        Love it!

        Thanks for this one. I think I’ve got a new product to go out there an promote!

        1. @Carlon, see what we can do working together! Wow, we should all be making millions from our headline-creation skills…I’ll see you at the beach!!

          Do you reckon we could do an upsell to include videos of the Thousand-Dollar Throne in action?

          “And here we see Mr X dwelling on his Thousand-Dollar Throne coming up with money-making idea after money-making idea…don’t you want a piece of this action?”

          Bagsy I don’t have to see the Not-Dr on the throne though, I haven’t been bad enough in this life or any past ones (or future ones for that matter) to have to be subjected to that.

    4. @Carlon

      Check out the old Rock Hudson movie called “Lover Come Back.” Hudson plays a guy who creates ads for a product that doesn’t exist.

      Part of the fun is that the ads never tell people what the product is, or what it does. But people still want to buy the product.

  7. how about you guys quit being “they scam people, I have to suck droids dick cus hes the master that uncovers all the bullshit and he is the one that tells the truth” pussies and go make some money?

    1. @carl, clapz clapz now go run tell mommy Kilstein how well you did on this blog today.

      1. @2H2+Co3=-(x*y) ::

        What a great name!

        @carl ::

        How sad would you be to find out that the skeptical pussies are the ones who are making all the money :: the legit money that The Man can’t swoop in and fucking TAKE in the blink of an eye? Pretty sad probably … then you’d have to drink even more … and watch even more TV. Probably safer to just remain delusional and detached from reality.

  8. Hi Salty,

    Thanks for some more great laughs, interspersed with some intel. I can hardly wait to see your reply to ‘carl’, although ‘2H2+Co3=-(x*y)’ did a fine job of answering the silliness.

    I finally clicked on a link to the not-doctor’s latest, just to further my education. Glaringly, he prices it at $97, which is exactly what the old Yanik Silver crowd used to do. (valued at so much more, of course) I fell for that crap way back when some guy name Gehl, at the defunct Internet Marketing Challenge, was taking over for his predecessor. That would have been the early 1990’s, by the way, making the bad not-doctor a throwback to an era gone by. He’s not even from this decade. Wish this site had been around back then; I might have saved a bundle.

    The world’s a better place with you in it.


    1. @Dave Q. ::

      Thanks man!

      Maybe that’s the product Kilstein should sell :: “Pretend It’s the 90’s” :: Did you forget to party like it was 1999 in 1999? Well now is your LAST chance to turn back the clock … yada yada … bad English … yada yada. Success!

    1. @Duff,
      I was almost going to comment about it, just like I was almost going to comment about him pretending to rub sun lotion on his nether regions at the start of the vid. At least Vitale has a rolls royce or two, or James Ray has expensive lawyers with which they can prove their wealth. Killstein looks like he’d be scraping it to raise his bus fare.

  9. Wow! Frankly, I’m shocked! JEALOUS much? Don’t ans’er dat!

    I took the Beach Millions course (via .torrentz) and now I’m rolling in it (poop).

    Much like …
    a bedridden curmudgeon with IBS and a leaky Depends.

    Just like …
    Harlan Shitstein.

    I also took John Cartlon’s course …
    on using the ellipsis as a …
    cliffhanger vehicle to really …
    bolster a point and …
    persuade readers to …
    (via NLP command structure …)
    join in and …
    roll in it (poop).

    P.S. Bonus material! Just because I’m a mean person sometimes.

    Martypants, I appreciated your comments. However, if the copy you provided Fallon was anything like this para. from your home page:

    Started in 2001 and coming to the web in 2002, Articulayers has been focused on bringing better details to online marketing. Nine years in, we still provide these web and writing services from our office in Atlanta, Georgia, but now, we routinely send our work to every part of the globe.

    … you were lucky you got the $500/wk. and that he didn’t pay you in gerbils.

    A family of big fat vampire gerbils …
    .. with long fangs …
    … and red eyes …
    … freshly pulled …
    from his anus …
    … covered in it …
    (poop) …
    … to protect them …
    from the sunlight …
    … like Edward’s diamond flaked skin …
    … protects him …
    … from the lingering rays of sun just before …
    … Twilight …
    … which is a gay movie … no homo.


    *For Martypants’s eyes only* Don’t read this if you’re not Martypant’s. I mean it. I don’t want to embarrass him.

    PPS – Seriously dude, wtf? If you’re making good money writing copy then I can make great money writing copy. Or editing yours.

    FYI — the first sentence in the quote above has verb/tense issues (among other problems) and the last sentence makes it seem like you’re outsourcing your work to every part of the globe. I expect you meant that your work has been seen/featured around the globe, or something.

    Then again, maybe you meant what your wrote. Maybe you outsourced your home page to an Ethiopian? Or a polar bear. That could explain the English as a second language feel.

    1. Dang Spoonface, did someone poke you in the eye today? Where’s your website, anyway? I want to second guess your punctuation. You don’t have to pay me in gerbils though. You can send those to Harlan.

    2. @spoonfaceboy, You’re free to send your corrections to me, and I would be happy to put them somewhere special. And I have no worries about what my homepage says – none at all. It changes from time to time, and I’ll surely change it again. Probably split some inifinitives, dangle some participles, and further destroy the rules of English in my mad dash to cash-in on the unsuspecting. Bwa-ha-ha.
      For the record, I appreciated Fallon’s $500 as much as you appreciate turd-coated gerbils.
      If you think you can make a good living copywriting – go. If you want to correct my communication skills, feel free. If you think my site doesn’t work, I am sincerely crushed. Emotionally devastated too. I guess my livelihood is much more unstable than I could’ve imagined…thanks for all the help.
      I guess I need to spend more time on the beach with you learning all there is to know.

      1. @Martypants ::

        Good response.

        Not sure the deal with @spoonfaceboy :: he’s usually pretty cool.

        @Spoonfaceboy ::

        What’s up? Why do that? Just cause you hate me?

        It would really help the cause of justice if all the big important people in IM who comment here :: commented under their own names instead of allowing me to stand alone. But no one does. That’s partially because anytime someone does use their real name … other people start attacking them.

        I’m not complaining :: but I am complaining.

      2. @Martypants,

        Okay fine. Maybe I plowed your field too soon.

        The phrase,

        ” … focused on bringing better details to online marketing.”

        slapped me in the face like the worn leather glove of an offended Englishman. I took it as a challenge from just another self-aggrandizing SEO copywriting guru, walked my paces and then turned to fire.

        Reading your response here prompted me to read more of your stuff there and other places.

        I’ve concluded that, while we may not share the same opinion of what good writing is, you are a white hat and a decent guy to boot.

        I shouldn’t have tried to shoot you in the face.

        I hereby retract most of what I wrote about you (everything except the Ethiopian/polar bear thing because it still makes me laugh.)

        1. @spoonfaceboy, Duly noted, and I sincerely appreciate you taking a little extra minute there to see I am not an IM’er.

          And you’re right about the para in question being lumpy – but hey, it’s only one of lots that I have out there (and more working) and very far from one I am concerned about. Selling “me” is less important to me than most anything.
          Your point about thinking I was an SEO-guru-type on first glance means I may need to revisit after all – that shit does not float, kinda like Kilstein.

          But for the record, your best line in the slam was that you’d make good money editing my work – I thought it was brilliant – a friend and I laughed out loud at that one. :)

          Glad to be on a better wavelength w/you though – we have a mission here that the ‘droid attracted us to, and my own clumsy writing should never get in the way of that. Would rather we both spend time laughing at the not-doc’s crappy videos, and get on down to the beach to make our millions.


          1. @Martypants,

            But for the record, your best line in the slam was that you’d make good money editing my work – I thought it was brilliant – a friend and I laughed out loud at that one. :)

            Nicely done.

  10. With all the NLP, yoga, vinegar colonics and finger healing available to the Messiah Kilstein, it seems that his health has declined and he’s getting morbidly obese instead of losing weight.

  11. Well, I just smacked up a certain forum with a number of posts ridiculing and shit-canning the fraudulence that passes for “copywriting” these days, and I feel better already.

    Also, my signature link at that forum has been changed to point to SaltyDroid. :)

  12. Last week I saw the Beach Millions ad online and at the end of the ad it has a phone number and it says the number is Kilstein’s ‘actual office number’ where a ‘live person’ will answer any of your questions regarding this system before you purchase it. I called the number just to see what it was and KILSTEIN HIMSELF ANSWERED THE PHONE!!!!! I was so thrown after he verified it was him; I said as much and he said he didn’t usually answer the phone but his assistant was out that day because she wasn’t feeling well. This was last week. I started asking questions about what exactly the system was about and he just stammered around the questions. I told him I’ve done some online selling in the past (cleaning out the attic/garage on eBay mostly) and he said I’d be ‘perfect’ for the Beach Millions system because I already had a ‘head-start’ on how to do business online! I explained to him I really didn’t know about that and he insisted I did, I would be just fine with the system. He never would tell me exactly WHAT I was supposed to be ‘outsourcing’ if I purchased his system. I just COULD NOT believe HE answered the phone to his office HIMSELF! I mean, I thought he was supposed to be on a BEACH SOMEWHERE!? I did NOT purchase the system after giving it very little thought. If he’s having to answer his own phone then business must not be very good – just my opinion. Further research on him led me here. Glad I did my homework!

    1. @Highlandergirl, Thanks for sharing. He has a female assistant? Who would have imagined? Just guessing, but Kilstein’s “assistant” may have been “tied up,” if you know what I mean. ;) I bet if you call back next week, you will hear the sound of the ocean in the background, if he can get his hands on a sound effects CD by then. Hopefully, you blocked your number before you called.

    2. @Highlandergirl ::

      I’m glad you did your research too!!

      Maybe his assistant :: Sandra :: finally went insane and started drinking pee. It was bound to happen …

  13. Dear Salty Droid,

    I rang Mrs. Schlubstein to interview her for a piece I am
    writing on the mothers of famous not-doctors turned
    educators, turned hypnosis weight loss center owners,
    turned copywriters, turned copywriter guru wanna-bes,
    turned internet marketing scammers, turned promoters
    of over-priced coaching programs.

    Mrs. Schlubstein was more than happy to be interviewed.
    I began by complimenting her on the success her son Harlan
    Kilstein has achieved in so many different areas of life.
    She said, “Yes, what mother wouldn’t be proud of her
    little Schlubby who eats everything on his plate and makes
    his bed.”

    “I was referring to his professional success as an educator
    and business person”, I said.

    “Oh, you mean the time he was thrown out of the school
    where he taught because he sucked so bad as a teacher? Or
    the two hypnosis weight loss centers he owned that were
    mysteriously shut down and went out of business? Or the
    internet marketing scams he’s been running lately where he
    tries to make other wannabes think he is rich so they will want
    to pay him thousands of dollars a month to ‘mentor’ them?
    Which success do you mean?” Mrs. Schlubstein asked.

    “Do I detect a hint of sarcasm or bitterness in your voice?” I asked.

    “Well you tell me. How would you feel if your lumpy sack of
    a son finally moved out of your house at age 54 only to move
    back in at age 57 because his ’empire’ imploded and his house
    was foreclosed on?” Mrs. Schlubstein asked.

    “So Harlan Kilstein is living at home again?” I asked. ”

    “Yes, the little ass munch lives in my basement”, she said.
    “And since he moved back in I can’t keep a box of zingers
    in the pantry to save my life. Schlubby goes through zingers a
    case at a time. Says they give him energy for his ‘magic finger
    healing’, whatever that is.”

    “Zingers?” I asked. “How much yoga does Harlan Kilstein have to do
    to stay in shape eating Zingers?”

    Mrs. Schlubstein replied, “What shape are you talking about?
    These days he looks more like Kirstie Alley than a yoga instructor.
    All he does is sit down there in the basement on his computer
    and eat my zingers.”

    “But why would the famous Harlan Kilstein need to move back
    home with mommy when he’s supposedly made a fortune? Isn’t
    not-doctor Harlan Kilstein a multi-millionaire?” I inquired.

    “Yeah right!”, Mrs. Schlubstein exclaimed. “Multi-personality
    maybe, but multi-millionaire? What have you been smoking?
    I mean come on, haven’t you seen his videos? Do you really
    think a multi-millionaire would scrub his own shower? Or
    constantly move from one ridiculous get-rich-quick scheme
    to the next?”

    “You do have a point, Mrs. Schlubstein”, I said. “What’s it
    Like having your 57 year old grown son move back in and
    live in your basement?”

    “It’s kind of like having a cement turd the size of a large raccoon
    stuck in your ass, that’s what it’s like smarty pants” an
    agitated Mrs. Schlubstein replied.

    Curious about the root of her irritation, I probed a little
    further. “What about it is so bad? I mean you must love
    your son. What mother wouldn’t want to see her son
    more often?”

    “Listen ass for brains, its one thing to want to see your
    son more often – like if he lived in another state. But when the turd
    lives with you – and I do mean THE TURD – it’s kind of like a
    nightmare that won’t end, a living hell, misery on steroids,
    non-stop ass throw-up, perpetual bloody vomit, ya know what I mean?
    He looks like a turd, he smells like a turd, he acts like a turd.
    The lump IS a turd” Mrs. Schlubstein explained. “He’s such a moron
    he doesn’t see that he is his own worst enemy. Does he think people
    don’t notice how big names in copywriting and internet marketing
    have begun to shun him because of the vile and infantile way he treats others when he feels ‘wronged’ by them?”

    Then she sighed and seemed to grow a little philosophical, saying “Aw,
    I’m being too hard on little Schlubby. It’s not so bad. Hardly ever
    comes out of the basement. The only thing that really bothers me is
    when I go down there and find him masturbating to Frank Kern videos.
    I really wish he would stop that.”

    “Oh dear, here’s comes the schlub up the stairs now. I’d better
    go for now.”


    1. @Harlan Kilstein Beach Millions Scam, hahahaha genius. Harlan Kilstein’s entire life has been one series of self-sabotaging failures after another.

    2. @Harlan Kilstein Beach Millions Scam,

      That was freaking hilarious. Then again, there is nothing funnier than real life!

    3. @Harlan Kilstein Beach Millions Scam, guess that means Harlan gets to wear mommy’s favorite dress again, just like the old days.

  14. This is for those of you who are just coming to this blog based on Harlan Kilstein research

    Has Harlan Kilstein been exposed? Is Harlan Kilstein a scam? Does Harlan Kilstein commit fraud? What is the big Harlan Kilstein scandal? Have you been curious about making money online with copywriting or finger healing? Before you hand over your hard earned money, be sure to do your research on Harlan Kilstein.

    Our dear doctorish friend, Harlan Kilstein may seem like a good and honest person with lots of secrets to reveal about striking it rich, BUT

    Here some interesting questions

    Did you know Harlan David Kilstein enjoys harassing women who are survivors of sexual abuse?

    Did you also know that Harlan Kilstein stands up for convicted pedophiles and even has quite a bit of insider knowledge like their magazines, gatherings, and secret social networks? Oh sure, it’s just for “research” purposes, right Harlan?

    Are you aware that one of Harlan Kilstein’s very first online businesses consisted of publishing and distributing an e-book by the name of “Christian Blowjobs”?

    Do you realize that Harlan Kilstein claims to be a Jewish Rabbi, who writes and sells “Christian Blowjobs”, ?

    Are you aware that while Harlan Kilstein claims massive wealth and success, his son is begging for roomates to help him with rent and rides to school on his Facebook page? What kind of father brags about lavishing in millions of dollars, stuffs his face till he can’t walk straight, and let’s his poor son starve and struggle??

    Have you yet to discover that while Harlan David Kilstein is on Gary Bencivenga’s A-List of copywriters and on John Carlton’s super duper list of marketers, and on some other idiot’s list of awesomeness, he is a 57 year old life-long loser, living with Harriet Kilstein – his mother!! Poor mother Kilstein.

  15. Yeah Harlan still owes a ton of commissions on Tactic 7 or is that Tactic 10 now… Whatever the case he owes a lot of people money!

    1. @Anonymous, I think Kilstein may be working on Tactic 69 right now. He seems to like to use goofy naming conventions pulled out of his or anybody’s ass. It looks like just about nobody is willing to put their name on the line to hype for Kilstein anymore. Maybe he will eventually take a job somewhere, such as janitor, if can qualify.

  16. Christian blow jobs, finger healing, now beach whale millions. Reflective of Harlan Kilstein’s character and career achievements. He doesn’t make friends, only smiles long enough to use you.

    After you’re used up, he tosses you aside to move on to the next money target. Kilstein’s been involved in numerous schemes throughout his life, he’s stayed very consistent in a life long career of conning people out of all kinds of things, money being just one area.

    Secrets never stay secrets. The skeletons in Harlan Kilstein’s closet, once made public, will make anything written about him here pale in comparison.

  17. Harlan Kilstein is still pumping his Beach Millions crap. He even has a new video, using a real ocean instead of the old, fake one. Too bad he isn’t also using his real personality. Yech!

    1. @Dreck II,

      Yeah…it’s pretty impressive…he was told their was an ocean in Florida…I guess he found it. I guess selling a program called beach millions, one should use a real beach

      Then he “pieced” together the second video…

      The second video is a continuation of his intro video, with a stock shot of a flying bird…why?…why? And a shot of a couple…why?…why? (could anyone understand their target market any less). He could have at least color corrected the bird and couple clips for a little bit of continuity.

      to Watch the second video

      to download the second video

      1. @_cartman_, Kilstein refers to his schmuckduct as a “no work system.” He says:

        “You do none of the work but reap ALL of the profit”

        Even if you get overseas workers to do your grunt work for peanuts, there is still one problem:

        You still have work to do!

        So that is patently misleading and false. You MUST do some of the work, even if it is supervisory, or just to shovel those MILLIONS into your bank account.

        Kilstein isn’t very bright, either. His domain name, Beach Millions, is a promise. The FTC says you can no longer promise or imply out of one side of your moth and disclaim out of the other.

        Can’t wait to see the FTC knocking on Kilstein’s door.

        Anybody who wants to complain (takes maybe 5 minutes) can do so online right here:

        “Business opportunities” is the proper category; “False and misleading advertising” may be your complaint.

  18. Hahahahahahaha and how is our good NOT-doctor Kilstein doing these days?

  19. “Harlan Kilstein is one of the foremost copywriters today. He has written for the top online gurus and has created hundreds of successful websites.

    He has a doctorate in education (Ed.D.) and did post graduate work at the prestigious Harvard Graduate School of Education.”

    The Schlub says he’s been to Harvard. LMAO. His site looks pathetic. He took down all the testimonials he had. Hmmm wonder why.

    1. @Harvard Harlan, I wonder how many minutes Kilstein spent at Harvard and if he just left the car running.

      1. @Louie, LMAO!! KARMA’S a bitch isn’t it Harlan David Kilstein? That’s what you get for ripping people off. But it’s gonna get worse for you before it gets better. You deserve everything that’s happened to you and then some. You need a new pimp bitch, cause all your pimps are being thrashed to smitherines. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

  20. “I’ve written for the top Internet gurus including:

    Stephen Pierce, Frank Kern, Ed Dale, Jeff Johnson, Jason Potash, Rich Schefren, Alex Mandossian, Perry Marshall, Maria Andros, Kenrick Cleveland, Jay Abraham and many more.” – Dr. Harlan Kilstein

    Your sales page sucks Harlan, where are your testimonials???? Practice what you preach. Oh…and you’re calling Maria Andros a top Internet guru????????????????????????????????????????????????

    ROTFLAO! You really are pathetic.

    1. So pathetic and sad that Harlan Kilstein has to use Maria Andros as social proof and background experience. This is absolutely great! LOL LOL LOL

      What happened to Gary Bencivenga’s glowing testimonial of you, Harlan? Why’d you remove it? Funny, you don’t even mention him anymore.

      Hell, even Manic Maria Andros wouldn’t give you a testimonial, huh? Even someone as confused as her won’t touch you. LMAO LMAO LMAO

      1. @………………………………………,

        even Manic Maria Andros wouldn’t give you a testimonial, huh? Even someone as confused as her won’t touch you.

        I don’t know about that…don’t rule out anything with Andros if it involves money…

        big surprise….she’s promoting KaJabi (brilliant marketing BTW…a word meaning kite hawk to describe “cutting edge” technology).

        here if you want it…

        interesting Junkens says

        Warning: 1/3rd of People Don’t Like Me
        But that’s… okay.  I am who I am, and I try to strive to tell it to you straight. Sometimes “business talk” can get uncomfortable

        One would think he added that after your post came out Salty

        hmmm….lets see

        Created:10/8/2010 3:07:40 AM
        Application: Microsoft Office Word 2007

        Yup…after your post

  21. Hi It’s Harlan Your fat fiend.
    I can’t wait to steal your money and lot of it. Excuse me now I must go and steal gold fillings from corpses.
    Buy my stuff its real Shit and I’m real fat and shit at copy

  22. I found this:

    he writes:

    Simply follow the steps in our program for niche selection and blog curation. Curate your blog according to our teachings for 60 days and if you have not noticed significant improvement in your search engine rankings, we’ll refund every penny you’ve paid.

    Should I buy the product? It cost 2000. I went thru a webinar and it looks good. He teaches you to kinda do what salty is doing…. Curate websites with existing content and rank high. You could make millions when you sell the site.

    1. @readytopullthetrigger ::

      Don’t do it. Turn off your computer … it’s making you crazy.

      If you can’t find something at the library … then you don’t need to know it. I have just told you that … so it must be true.

    2. @readytopullthetrigger, Is it a real question or joke one? Tommyji’s site now’s 11,412,427 Alexa with main increase for his name “tom renfro meditation”.

      Maybe save your $2,000 with 3 links:

      I want to try to find the example sites for mr. Kilstein, but when I find some the traffic tools make some laughing-noise when I try to put analysis onto them – except for maybe his curation blog about blog curation which makes me think I should write something curational about his curatino blog about blog curation on my new blog curation blog about blog curation.

  23. Howdy would you mind stating which blog platform you’re working with? I’m looking to start
    my own blog soon but I’m having a difficult time making a decision between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something completely unique.
    P.S Sorry for being off-topic but I had to ask!

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