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Salty Droid

Merry Christmas Goodbye


What if … I’d never fucking existed?

It’s easy enough to imagine :: cause fake robots aren’t even real … and I’ve recently been an unannounced absentee.

Another year is ending :: it’s dark and cold :: a great time to ask myself the tough questions … maybe contemplate suicide.

Is it a wonderful life?

{not really}

Merry Christmas

I imagine that my guardian angel :: come to talk me down from the bridge of my wintery discontent … would take the form of a short shorts wearing Reno sheriff’s department deputy. Every time a bell rings … an angel gets a pair of workplace appropriate trousers.

“The Salty Droid never happened …” says my imaginary angel {Dangel Odbody} while doing a little swishy-swooshy type thing with his hands. “Jason Jones became a boring patent attorney as per his boring plan. His life is totes normal. This is his Colorado vacation house …”


“And this is the California beach house that he rents {but tells his friends he owns} …”

don lapre beach

O.M.G. :: shut up … stupid angel. Are you trying to talk me off the wrong side of this bridge?

No pants for you!

SemiSeriously though :: life would be total crap without me :: like …

Herbalife would exist.

The Syndicate would be Mass Controlling their Product Launch Formulas and douche laughing themselves all the way to the bank.

Utah’s boiler rooms would be backending most of the “industry” … churning out grandma sausages on an preposterous scale.

Colleen would be dead.

Tony Robbins would be The CEO Whisperer.


Dave Navarro would be gone {his kids unsupported}.

Vemma would be pimping out all our finest bros.

Leonard Coldwell would be :: you know … yuck and stuff … look away!

The government’s inaction would be interrupted only by their issuing of press releases extolling their own effectiveness.

Harlan Kilstein would be … scamming dogs?

Sweat lodge homicider James Arthur Ray would be out of jail already … promoting a new $30 e-book which promises to “literally set your life on fire.”


Set your life on fire … literally literally.

So yeah :: basically … things would be exactly the same as they are in the suck world where I do {did} fucking exist. I’ve been little more than an observer here :: stirring a pot full of ugly turds … and making internet jokes about the bubbles. It’s not a totally useless thing to do {laughing is good … truth is good … conversation is good} :: but it’s not changing the waterline in the turd bucket :: it’s not popping holes in the side … and it’s for sure not kicking the bucket over in angsty bearded rage à la {not baby} Jesus.

Merry Christmas

Last year I was showing clear signs of existential melancholy encephalitis {an affliction common among those who beat their faces against the wall} :: and I hinted that it might be the beginning of the end of the fake robot. Well :: first of all … fuck melancholy … it’s so boring. But :: secondly :: also :: well … you know like yeah … we are coming to the The End part of this part of the story.

Scamworld is too big :: and too evil … too intertwined with the whole of the mainstream. It’s too ignored :: and too complicated … too foreboding of future catastrophe. Talking and laughing on the internets is not near enough :: gonna have to go old school on this bitch … like I prolly should have done three years ago {but I was having such fun!}.

Later next year :: Jason is taking over this fight for me :: and moving it in an entirely new {unfun} direction … one with suits and ties and proper punctuation. I’m gonna mic drop retire … and let my awesomeness fade back to black.

If you liked this site because I am such an amazing asshole bastard {shame on you!} … then you’re going to be a very sad panda {like you prolly deserve to be}. Jason is disappointingly nice :: 35% of my greatness … he found totally cringe worthy. So maybe give yourself a selfie hug {because you have no friends} … and enjoy these last limited days of my beautifully unchecked fucking glory!

But if you liked this site for the fight against an outsized evil :: if you’re not willing to surrender hope :: if you don’t think manipulation should be considered a legit sector of the economy … then you’re going to like Jason just fine.

Don’t be sad.

This is not the end of the story.

It’s just the end of the juvenile beginning.

I’ve watched long enough.

Merry Christmas

>> bleep bloop