BlogWorld & New Media Expo co-founder and CEO Rick Calvert needs me to be wrong :: because if I’m right … then he and his sham of a scam disguised as a convention are very much part of an ugly and shameful problem. But I fucking doubt I’m wrong :: which is why instead of agreeing to give a BlogWorld keynote … I scared Rick Calvert away with some super easy questions.
Rick likes thinking about tacos :: not about his own culpability in the suffering of others … so he was none to pleased …

BlogWorld New Media Expo Cofounder & CEO Rick Calvert {he insists that you call him by his full title on all occasions} … was born in a small stupid town that sat right outside a slightly larger stupid town. Rick always wanted to live in the slightly larger stupid town {where all the good people lived} :: but his family was too poor … they could barely afford to keep the goats. Rick’s mother was an Oompa-loompa :: and his father a failed professional bowler … hopelessly addicted to sniffing shoe glue. …

Sonia Simone and Naomi Dunford are BFFs :: they bonded early {and often} over their mutual love of other people’s money. In a 2008 post on Sonia’s typepad blog :: celebrating her one whole year anniversary in blogging … she gave a shout out to the unlovely Ms. Spider Dunford …

The now-infamous Naomi Dunford found Remarkable Communication right around the middle of September and showed up for the first time in my comments. She proceeded to start a little blog on home business marketing that instantly trounced mine for traffic and subscribers, but …

Chris Brogan isn’t fond of bragging :: it’s just that bragging is what he does for a “career” so it’s become a bit of a habit … you know?
Chris wrote a post about The Verge’s Scamworld article :: from his home well inside Scamworld … because that’s how we fucking roll in Scamworld. Self-awareness is an impediment to crime-based-pseudo-success :: never forget that … but remember not to remember that you’re remembering it … or you might start feeling guilty about being such a major asshole.
The URL for the post …

Congratulations!
… is how Dr. Seuss’ last book begins.
Oh, the Places You’ll Go is about how life’s all about getting out there and doing it :: hope for the best … knowing that’s almost for sure not what’s going to happen. Cause life is beautiful … but it’s a total fucking bitch. Ride it calm like a wave :: even when your head is scraping along the bottom … knowing eventually you’ll be back on the beach eating hotdogs.

Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching …

I’m on vacation … so let’s just read some of my March emails together shall we? I think it will be fun because I won’t have to do very much work {I already wrote March’s emails} :: and you’ll think it’s fun because you’re easily amused like a methed-up gerbil.

BlogWorldExpo –

Jason,
My name is Shane and I’m the conference director for BlogWorld and New Media Expo. I wanted to reach out to see if you would be interested or would consider doing a keynote presentation at one of our shows.
We …

Have you heard about not-rocker Dave Navarro’s funny news?
No?
Good :: then I get to be the one to tell you … he abandoned his kids {in the worst way} and his wife {in the worst way} for a fake business and a fat girl.
Hooray!
LOL
Hooray!
LOL
Says Dave in a pathetic fucking sales email last week …

So I have a bit of funny news for you.
As of Monday morning, my heart and mind belong to IttyBiz.
Which is a bit of a laugh for me because I’d swore I’d never take a “day job” again.
But …

Year 3 of the fake robot :: boom … done.
The year in pictures :: via video … thanks to super fucking awesome Vancouver folk rocker Dan Mangan for not suing me. Don’t call a song “Robots” or I’ll pretend to own it.
Spiders :: and Gingers :: and Homiciders … oh my!
Jason’s voice :: no less than twice.
Zero lawsuits … again.
Zero fight backs … again {unless you count fake death threats … I don’t … thanks for doubling my stats Spider Bitch}.
Zero man ups :: as always … and forever.
Popular Mechanics …

Sometimes even elves are naughty :: like Caffeinated Elf Rachael Acklin getting involved in Crystal Cox’s Depressing-n-Grotesque Pornography™.
No :: thankfully … not that kind of naughty.
Tweets Rachael :: who I refuse to call Rhiannon …

Help me bring my little girl home, and get a website, logo, header, and coaching at half off.

An unorthodox reason to have a sale for sure :: but in fairness … Rachael’s IttyBiz has always been uterocentric. The Demented Elf tweetlinks to what might be the worst sales page ever …

Dearest darling, this email is a very …

Kim Jong-il :: the great leader of the comrades and god of the many-flowered moons :: is dead at the age of whatever. After his long battle with whatever :: he lost and died … and now I laugh in his dead face.
Above is how the North Koreans {who are just like the regular Koreans except starving} learned of Kim’s timely demise. In case you can’t read Korean sign language :: I think she says something like …
“The Queen is dead … long live the Queen!”
Speaking of Queens :: poor …