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Salty Droid

The IttyBiz Spider

The IttyBizzy spider climbed up the water spout :: where she churned a blackened web and waited {festering in her own goo} to suck the life from anything plump that crossed her sticky path.

Down came the rain :: but it didn’t do shit to the IttyBizzy spider :: it just evaporated around her in a screaming steam. All things natural and good are repulsed by her gooey darkness.

Oh look :: the spider bitch is having a sale on “consulting” :: it’s a surprise :: for her family … she’s a family spider you understand …

“Second, the secret part. (I’m very serious about this being a secret, by the way. A lot of you know him, so please don’t tell him, OK?) Jamie’s birthday is on Saturday and I’m doing a surprise. (It should be noted that the REASON for this is that we’ve been so busy with IttyBiz and Jack being preemie that we haven’t done anything for his birthday in FOUR YEARS.)

I want to take him on a big night out to a hockey game and an uberfancy dinner and a hotel and everything. Much excitement.

The problem is that as a modern and forward thinking couple, we share finances. And to pull this off, I’m going to need secret money. That’s where you come in.

I’ve cleared some space in the November calendar for 5 consulting slots. And instead of doing what we’d normally do and putting your payment through our main Canadian PayPal account, I’ve set up a way you can buy through our old English account. Which he thinks we don’t use anymore. :)

The point of all of this is that if you’ve ever wanted consulting but wanted to wait for a sale, it would really help me out if you chose THIS sale. Regular price is $500, you can get it for $200. First five people get it, and the instructions are here:”

She needs secret monies to a foreign account for birthday parties … dot dot dot … her baby was a preemie … birthdays!! … babies!! … preemies!!

Gosh that’s really fucking disgusting though … and someone on Naomi {IttyBiz Spider Bitch} Dunford’s mailing list told her so …

“This is so scuzzy and disingenuous. You make up a birthday event for your husband and bring your premature baby into the scam? This is just beyond the pale. You must really think your readers are idiots. If they fall for this manipulation, I guess they are. I’ve been reading for a while hoping to see you reach out honestly, but it’s just manipulation to you.

This email really turns my stomach. You need “secret’ money? Good grief. I’ve never heard anything so lame. You should market on the merits of your product – not this kind of made up manipulative drivel.

Take me off your list! I’ve seen enough.”

Oh snap! Finally something on Naomi’s blog that’s actually edgy.

Naomi no is happy …

Ahh, where do I begin?

I’ve been accused of a lot of things…

You can call me vulgar. You can call me uneducated. You can call me rude. You can call me unprofessional. You can call me unqualified.

Naomi Dunford is vulgar :: uneducated :: rude :: unprofessional :: and unqualified.

But lying? Seriously? And about this?

Of all the things I could lie about, my husband’s birthday (shockingly, the one I lied about on the exact same date last year) and the fact that my son was premature, RIGHT BEFORE MY HUSBAND’S BIRTHDAY? For reals?

What kind of a life must she have?

What kind of a life must a person have if they think that doing something nice for their husband simply HAS to be a lie?

What kind of a relationship must a person have if they think that a couple can’t be so close that they always share their finances?

What kind of fucked up fears must a person have to think that I can’t have the kind of relationship with my customers that they’d actually like to hear what I’ve got going on in my personal life?

(And what kind of shitty ass business must a person have if they think I’d need to lie in order to make sales?)

Why are you asking me so many questions?

Is it freaking me out?

Are you fucking serious right now?

This email bothered me. A lot. All hate mail bothers me. But not for the reasons you’d think. I was talking to Jamie (my fake husband with the fake birthday) about this yesterday, and here’s what I realized.

I have never, ever, ever received mail like this from a man. In the history of this blog, I’ve received some mighty fine Fuck You Mail. But never from a man. And I got to wondering… why?

Yada yada yada … everything bad ever :: like this insult to Naomi’s lies :: has been caused by other women. Other women is also why Naomi can’t lose weight :: and can’t stop being poor :: and has no lasting relationships :: etc …

When I talk to female clients, they ask, “Is this going to work?”

When I talk to male clients, they ask, “How can I make this work?”

That’s the fucking difference between men and women in business.

Attacking ALL of the world’s women because ONE of the world’s women noticed that you were a scuzzy liar? That’s unreasonable … even for a vulgar :: uneducated :: rude :: unprofessional :: and unqualified ShitSpider. Obviously Naomi Dunford should read my self-helpful post :: 7 Ways to Respond Maturely to Criticism

Speaking of Brian Clark :: it’s a Copyblogger interview with a slime covered spider :: and it ends like this …

Sonia: Is it true people have started calling you “Frank Kern with breasts”?

Naomi: (laughing) Yes, God help us, yes they do. But considering I wear a 36A, I think Frank might fill out his bra better than I do.




Hi Frank Kern with breasts :: I’m the Salty Droid …

… we just started a game that you’re going to lose … so badly.

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