Julian Assange :: World’s Worst Screw

Julian Assange and the WikiLeaking Condom

Have you heard about how my new hit movie is coming out just in time for the holidayz?  It’s going to be quite gay {but not in a gay way!}.  All of our favorite characters/bastards will be there :: even wannabe Jesus {Irwin F. Kern … not in a manger} :: so that should be fun and festive. Buy some popcorn :: a Survival Seed Bank :: and get ready for a Christmas Miracle …

Meanwhile :: Julian Assange is rubbing his naked manself onto things … so I thought I better tell you about it before he gets finished defeating America with all his crazy emailing skillz!

As you know :: the American puppet government in Sweden has been accusing Julian Assange of false rapes in order to prevent him from delivering world peace by New Year’s.

“Fake rape charges in service of a Swedish-American anti-free-speech alliance sounds quite unlikely!” :: says someone with the audacity to have half a fucking brain.

“That’s just what the CIA wants you to think!” :: says someone who likes cats too much.

“The honeytrap has been sprung … after what we’ve seen so far you can reasonably conclude this is part of a greater plan.”

… says Princess Assange’s UK attorney :: perhaps after huffing paint or doing lines of tainted coke off the bathroom floor.

Back in October Julian told tabloid hack {and two time Pulitzer winner} John F. Burns that …

“They called me the James Bond of journalism,” he recalled wryly. “It got me a lot of fans, and some of them ended up causing me a bit of trouble.”

Funny story :: police reports regarding Fake James Bond’s rape and molestation “bit of trouble” were RegularLeaked to the RegularPress {because Irony is the Queen of the Gods}. Many experts on assholes are saying the reports show a clear pattern of sustained flaming assholery consistent with mega-asshole syndrome.

The Guardian temporarily paused their campaign to have Julian crowned Holy Roman Emperor in order to break the story …

“Miss A, told police that she had arranged Assange’s trip to Sweden, and let him stay in her flat because she was due to be away. She returned early, on Friday 13 August, after which the pair went for a meal and then returned to her flat.

Her account to police, which Assange disputes, stated that he began stroking her leg as they drank tea, before he pulled off her clothes and snapped a necklace that she was wearing. According to her statement she “tried to put on some articles of clothing as it was going too quickly and uncomfortably but Assange ripped them off again”. Miss A told police that she didn’t want to go any further “but that it was too late to stop Assange as she had gone along with it so far”, and so she allowed him to undress her.

According to the statement, Miss A then realised he was trying to have unprotected sex with her. She told police that she had tried a number of times to reach for a condom but Assange had stopped her by holding her arms and pinning her legs. The statement records Miss A describing how Assange then released her arms and agreed to use a condom, but she told the police that at some stage Assange had “done something” with the condom that resulted in it becoming ripped, and ejaculated without withdrawing.”

That’s cool.

Another friend told police that during the evening Miss A told her she had had “the worst sex ever” with Assange: “Not only had it been the world’s worst screw, it had also been violent.”

That’s just what the CIA wanted her to think! “Make sure you’re terrible at it” :: they admonished as he dramatically exited a super top secret spy van that can morph into a rocketship … when necessary.

“Miss A says she spent Wednesday night on a mattress and then moved to a friend’s flat so she did not have to be near him. She told police that Assange had continued to make sexual advances to her every day after they slept together and on Wednesday 18 August had approached her, naked from the waist down, and rubbed himself against her.”

Well that’s a debonair approach.

Meanwhile {while sleeping in Miss A’s bed} our hero is hunting for bad sex elsewhere :: enter Ms. W and The New York Times

“The group dispersed after dinner, leaving Mr. Assange and Ms. W alone, the police report said. They decided to go to a movie, where, the report said, the couple began caressing, then moved to a back row, where they continued. Two days later, Ms. W and Mr. Assange met again and walked around the city’s old town together, according to the police report. It said they decided to go by train to Enkoping after Mr. Assange balked at staying in a Stockholm hotel. Ms. W then bought his rail ticket, for about $16, after Mr. Assange told her that he did not have any money, and that he feared he could be traced if he used a credit card.”

He wouldn’t want to be “traced” … :: … or else! You know what I mean?

{neither do I}

“The unredacted police report obtained by The Guardian says that after arriving at her apartment the two had sex using a condom. In the report, she described waking up to find him having sex with her again, without a condom. Later that morning, Ms. W told the police, Mr. Assange “ordered her to get some water and orange juice for him.” She said “she didn’t like being ordered around in her own home but got it anyway.”

The assertion that Mr. Assange initiated sex without a condom while Ms. W was asleep led the prosecutors to list rape among the allegations they wanted to explore with Mr. Assange, according to testimony in a London court. Swedish legal experts have said that the section of the Swedish penal code involved in the allegation refers to the third and least serious of three categories of rape, known as “less severe,” commonly invoked when men in relationships use threats or mild degrees of force to have sex with partners against their will. The maximum penalty for the offense is four years.”

So Ms. A & Ms. W :: both supporters of the non-raping part of the WikiLeaks agenda :: have some girl chat about their mutual awkward experiences with this narcissistic prick. Ms. W has never had sex without a condom before :: and she’s freaking out about it {good job Swedish education system!}.

“Harold has independently told the Guardian Miss A made a series of calls to him asking him to persuade Assange to take an STD test to reassure Miss W, and that Assange refused. Miss A then warned if Assange did not take a test, Miss W would go to the police. Assange had rejected this as blackmail, Harold told police.”

He’s too busy freeing speech to take an STD test and Misses A&W do go to the police.  The police take these serious reports seriously.

Julian goes in for questioning :: it leaks to the press :: and Julian tweets

“We were warned to expect ‘dirty tricks’. Now we have the first one.”

He tells Swedish paper Aftonbladet

“Their identities have been made anonymous so even I have no idea who they are. We have been warned that the Pentagon, for example, is thinking of deploying dirty tricks to ruin us.”

Lies :: intentional fucking lies.

This weekend ABC News asked Assange to further elaborate on the vast multi-national honeytrap conspiracy {#HoneyTrapGate} …

… he impolitely declined. He’s too busy freeing speech to talk with “tabloid schmucks”.

From The Australian

“Bjorn Hurtig, Mr Assange’s Swedish lawyer, said he would lodge a formal complaint to the authorities and ask them to investigate how such sensitive police material leaked into the public domain.”

Did my head just explode?

>> bleep bloop

57 thoughts on “Julian Assange :: World’s Worst Screw”

  1. Awww…and you’re signing off with the Christmas-colored bleep bloop, too. I am betting the new holiday film is an instant classic. God bless us – everyone.

  2. WikiWanker’s lawyer is filing a complaint to investigate the possible leaking of his depravity into the public domain?

    Oh the irony.

    1. @Hal (the original Hal), I guess you do not understand the difference between leaking official documents without the owners’ consent and the leaking of evidences of a pending court case by the “bound by secret” prosecutor himself!

  3. “…he pulled off her clothes and snapped a necklace that she was wearing.” Classic rapist attempt to exert power or intimidate the victim. Disgusting. This morning he was featured on a television news story describing his repeated walking out of interviews. Did you notice his uncontrollable blinking condition? It’s either a tic or a symptom of long-term compulsive lying.

    1. @Jean D, seriously? A symptom of long-term compulsive lying? Or, you know, his fucking eyes were dry. But thank you for educating me. Now, armed with your flawless liar-identifying technique, I will challenge every prospective lover I sleep with, every political candidate I vote for, and every doctor I consult to a staring contest before hearing what they have to say.

  4. My, goodness! My dalmation, Spotless, is a better liar than that bedpost hugging neanderthal, Assange. I haven’t seen such a big prick in 43 years, and I’m talking from the neck up, you pervs. Like my furnace man says, “Sometimes you CAN judge an Australian citizen by the criminal charges.”

    1. @Madge Crikey,

      At least your furnace man is smart enough not to rely on ‘the crime in his eyes’, or was that ‘the grime in his eyes’ with all that blinking?

    2. @Madge Crikey, And thank heavens there are some who can also judge a pathetic Australian fraud by their lies….oh and by the way thanks for exposing mega wart Schirmer.

  5. Ha ha…as a lover of Sweden and Swedish kvinnor, I want to recommend this bit of advice of Mr. Asss-hinge:

    Vad gör man när man är tretton år
    Och har en kuk som nästan alltid står?
    Inte finns det nån som jag kan knulla med
    Så vart jag mig i världen vänder
    Får jag ta saken i egna händer och

    Runke ball
    Runke, runke balle
    Runke ball
    Runke, runke balle
    Runke ball
    Runke, runke ball (x2)

    Samma sak när man är pensionär
    Då är varje kärring sur och tvär
    De har fittor torra som en öken
    Då får man sitta vid sitt fönster
    Och gå tillbaks till sitt tonårsmönster och

    1. @Ross Jeffries,

      Ooops..here is the English version:

      What is there to do when one’s 13 years old
      And has a constantly erected cock?
      There is nobody who I can fuck
      So no matter where I go
      I have to take care of it myself and

      Jack off
      Jack, jack off
      Jack off,
      Jack, jack off
      Jack off
      Jack, jack off (x2)

      The same goes when one’s old
      Then every lady is constantly angry
      They have cunts as dry as a desert
      Then I have to sit by my window
      And go back to my teenage routines and

      Jack off
      Jack, jack off
      Jack off,
      Jack, jack off
      Jack off
      Jack, jack off (x2)

      1. @Ross Jeffries,

        Hey Jeff, here’s a little advice for you.

        “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

          1. @Ross Jeffries,

            Sorry Ross… I thought all you PUA guys used an alias.

            Didn’t know you were sensitive about it.

            1. Using an actual name as your PUA name is too old school. Probably :: from a branding perspective :: he should change his name to something more in keeping with his classy and innovative competitors.

              Maybe something like …




              … just some suggestions.

      2. @Ross Jeffries,

        Hey Paul, I was at your speed seduction seminar at our local Synagogue. I’m still waiting for the free bonus “October Man” yarmulke you promised.

      3. @Ross Jeffries,

        Jaja, Ross Jeffries can’t even pick up an old fat dude on a computer, righting a response to a Salty Droid post.

        The most depressing part of it is that mr. Ross Jenkins worships Salty Droid over everything, and even made a fake PUA scam blog to try to get a droid following.

        Anyway, I am sure he gets laid with plenty of fake Swedish girls, so he probably doesn’t care (or maybe he’s just bold?)

        Suck it PUA Fraud!!

        1. @Neil Strauss,

          You got GAME.

          Me thinks Ross Jenkins, and Julian ASSange should team up with Brad Fhallus to leak to the world the greatest pick-up secrets since the dawn of the spoken word. PUA secrets on picking up swedish girls who REALLY don’t want to be picked up.

          More here:


          But you better be quick. It’s the 8th day already. Whatever the freak that means. Fhallus and ASSange – making the world more enlightened and shit. Merry Christmas.

  6. I don’t have a sound card in my computer at work, but Assange’s body language speaks for itself. The guy is fucking soulless. This man is NOT who he says he is.

    1. @WN, who does he say he is? What exactly is he lying out? Is he not Australian? OH GOD, is he a woman? This is exactly the sort of ominous, vague, substance-free rhetoric that makes me scared to live in this great country.

      1. @lola, Please, move then. Assange can always use another sex slave while he’s publishing lists of vulnerable targets for the benefit of terrorists.

  7. Please stick to outing Internet Marketers, your focus on Assange (who is actually a hero) is getting boring….

    1. @sticktoyourstrengths,

      I don’t think this blog’s ‘declared’ purpose is to oust fraudulent IMers. I don’t think SD MUST do so (it’s not like it’s his job or anything).
      This is something fairly popular right now and SD is using his blog to voice his opinion and present his views on the story. Exactly what WikiJoke claims to do. Did you go to Assange and tell him that his focus on US government cables was getting boring? Buzz off…

      Also – just to be clear – Assange is NOT a hero. What he is doing does not bring ANY additional transparency between US and US Citizens. The US govt. is accountable to its citizens. Not to Putin, Chavez or Ahmedijhan. Assange allowing this stuff to be ‘leaked’ puts US Citizens and military in danger and that’s about it. You want to create more transparency? Then regularly reveal the difference between what the politicans say vs how they vote on bills. Talk about who is in pockets of corporations and unions. 90% of this **** won’t happen anyway if we actually had a govt. that represented the people’s opinion instead of ramming their agenda down our throats.

      1. @advancednoob,

        “Talk about who is in pockets of corporations and unions. 90% of this **** won’t happen anyway if we actually had a govt. that represented the people’s opinion instead of ramming their agenda down our throats.”

        And why are you afraid of learning the truth about your government? you certainly will not get it from the US Media, you should be thanking Assange for the giving you the info that is being hidden from you & the rest of the US Citizens.

        1. @stopbeingscaredofthetruth ::

          And why are YOU afraid of ghosts wearing wedding dresses … and why am I afraid of antique dolls?

          We’ve all got our problems.

          You know who the real hero is?

          Rick Moranis … that’s who I’m going to thank.

        2. @stopbeingscaredofthetruth,

          Seriously can you not read? My point was that I don’t need Assange releasing Hillary Clinton’s cables wondering about Cristina Kirchner’s mental health to know anything about my government. There is nothing that Assange has done that in any meaningful way affects the transparency between the US citizens and the US government.
          Just check out who’s praising Assange – Chavez, Putin, Ahmedijhan, and morons like you. Most patriotic US citizens are pissed off because it compromises US military (the ones fighting to give idiots like you the freedom to speak ill of a government and not be beheaded). I’m pretty clear on who’s company I want to be in.

  8. I think Kern has met his match when it comes to arrogance. I mean seriously…what have you achieved you wuss? Putting on airs and acting like you invented something world-changing. In reality, the guy runs a site where people who’re ACTUALLY doing the work submit stories and things they’ve uncovered. Why is he being ‘celebrated’ at all???
    And even then a lot of these guys submitting their ‘uncovered’ stories are simply good-for-nothing idiots who’re exposing the documents they were entrusted to keep secure and safe. Should we start speaking well of security guards who work with bank robbers to facilitate ‘open currencies’? (I know what open currency actually refers too – I’m trying to make the point that there’s a HUGE disconnect here between what WikiLosers want you to believe is transparency vs what open government and transparency is actually about).

    1. @advancednoob ::


      The people who seem to be willing to accept him unquestioned are people who have this “America is the Devil” type ideology.

      I don’t personally think that America is the devil … but I can understand that sentiment. What I don’t understand is :: if you think America is some big evil power … then how in fucks name do expect do-nothing Julian Assange to have any impact at all? Send a better hero you chuckle heads … goodness gracious.

      Many people {one would hope the majority of people} would like to see more transparency and government accountability … but this fuck stain has no right to carry such an important banner.

      1. @SD,

        A huge part of the problem is that being ‘anti-US’ is ‘cool’ anymore. So any two-bit moron who speaks ill of US is an instant hit with the brainwashed idiots (who are ever-so-rapidly increasing in number).

        And largely this is because US, despite its shady dealings, is NOT a big evil empire that is looking to silence its critics. So the same duffers like Assange who would quietly fall in line in a place like N. Korea, instead go around putting on airs and acting all sophisticated.

        Anyways – thanks for taking a legit stand on the matter. I know a lot of people accuse you of being liberal anti-capitalist (I don’t because I understand the difference between an open free market vs one that is manipulated by cartels, manipulations and lies). Assange is something of a liberal hero right now and I appreciate your stand against him :)

      2. @SD,

        It’s not America as a nation that is the devil. The average American citizen is not the devil, nor is the average American soldier, or TSA agent, or policeman, or business man, or socialist union organizer, or Christian, or illegal immigrant.

        It’s not about clear-cut Axis and Allies anymore, or superpowers, or even the idea of nations at all.

        The Oligarchy is the Devil.

        People who support Assange are playing on the obsolete myth of this nation vs. that nation or liberal hero vs. conservative hero–these dualist dialectics are meaningless today.

        It’s about mofuckers with money and influence vs. the rest of us. What does liberalism have to do with that?

  9. I’ve never been able to pull of the old “sleep sex” trick. I’d like to learn how. She doesn’t have to be asleep during the whole thing ( ~ 3 minutes ) – I’d just be happy if I could just get the tip in. I feel that if I just got the tip in, and she woke up, I could take it from there. No problemo. Anyone got any advice on mastering the “sex while she sleeps” approach?

  10. “Their identities have been made anonymous so even I have no idea who they are. We have been warned that the Pentagon, for example, is thinking of deploying dirty tricks to ruin us.”

    Really? He doesn’t know who was gracious enough to allow him to stay in her flat while she was away? To whom he’s made repeated sexual advances Doesn’t know who he’s seen multiple time and been cuddling with at a movie and who’s paid his train fare.

    Ridiculous lies.

    And what Jean D. said about the classic rapist behavior. Ick. Just ick.

  11. Yahhh, Ass-ange is just another narcissist who will end up getting someone killed (I’m looking at YOU, Death Ray). Bet dollars to donuts there is a long history of his abuse of women. You don’t start acting the way his actions are described overnight. Is now the right time for other victims to speak up?

    Really, the parallels between this turd and Death Ray are uncanny:

    Develop a cult-like following
    Have sex with your groupies
    When caught, trumpet the persecution complex
    wash, rinse, repeat

    The only major difference I see is that, as far as we know, JAR doesn’t have rapist tendencies.

    1. @Dave,

      You’re correct in that JAR doesn’t have rapist tendencies; he’s into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

      1. @Mr. Romantic,

        He thought he was a hacker, a freedom symbolic,
        A victim exposed him, marked a Rapist, yet still figthing for his image as edgy and cool, he will eventually suffer as just another fool. Assange, you did your best but it’s time to leave, Your skillz are usless, and so is your soul, get lost in cyberspace little prince, get lost.

  12. Anybody catch the SNL parody on WikiWanker’s bitterness over Zuckerberg being chosen as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year?

    1. @Hal (the original Hal), yes, I did catch that. I thought it was the only Assange parody of theirs so far that was actually clever and made some valid pro-Assange points.

      1. @Erica, It made absolutely no valid pro-Assange “points” whatsoever, unless you think made-up punchlines turn into “facts” when exposed to air.

  13. Oops, forgot the link (unless it got scrubbed). If this doesn’t work, maybe someone else can post it:

    1. @Hal (the original Hal) ::

      I like the maniacal laugh!

      It would be funnier :: and more accurate :: if he played it 60% more effeminately.

  14. Dear Mr. Droid;

    Would you or one of your staffers be in a position to quietly pass along my invitation for Mr. Assange to join me for an evening of contemplative discussion and fine dining? I fear that I might unduly influence his opportunity for impartial judgment were I to advance direct contact.

    I would, by way of fair exchange, undertake to provide you exclusively a full accounting of our dialogues instantly upon his criminal proceedings being closed or abandoned, as the case may be.

    If you can undertake such an intermediary role, please assure Mr. Assange I will take great care to provide an experience worth savoring. I have a well-stocked cellar, including several notable Australian vintages, and a garden both plentiful and enjoined with a relaxing view.

    Yours truly,

    H. Lecter, MD

  15. Word on the street is, Salty is upset with Assange because Assange has embarrassed that shit stain Barak Obama. A lot of people are saying–and I have to say, it’s probably 100% true–that Salty wouldn’t be saying jack sweet fuck all if Bush was still in the White House while Assange targeted the US. But, since it’s the man of Salty’s wet dreams, Salty is bent out of shape, acting like a fag who didn’t get the courtesy of a reach around.

    1. @the voice of reason ::

      I see you’ve been hiding from me by using different names and being slightly less spastic … congrats. Imagine how great your life could be if you took your meds all the time.

      Anywayz :: you may comment as @the voice of reason :: once per post. That rule remains in effect until 2087 … at which point I may reconsider.

      I went back and deleted all comments in violation of those rules. How sad that you wasted so much of your useless time.

      Good day to you sir.

      1. @SD,

        Not sure if it’s because everybody is waiting to see your Christmas present for Koenigs, but your site is sometimes taking a loooong time to load.

        Have you considered using a plug-in like WP Super Cache to trim the server load?

  16. Ya know saltydroid, it’s one thing when you got recordings of gurus saying stuff. It’s another when you got a bunch of hearsay from newspapers and “rape victims”. It’s amazing how often rape and sexual harassment victims pop up in multitudes whenever a guy becomes this famous. Then when the media gets bored of it all it never goes any further. You never hear about the trial or what not. Yea yea occasionally there’s a settlement, so what?

    You’re idea and brand of justice is about as solid as Robespierre’s reign of terror. Democracy and free speech to smear anyone and guillotine their reputation. Bravo you hypocrite.

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