Marky Mark and the Funky Funk

Meet Marky Mark. Mark is extremely rich … not literally of course … but that is his super-subtle Twitter handle. I’m Extremely Rich Biatch!

Mark would love to sell you on a MLM Opportunity {opportunity not implied}. But how can he get his message of Extreme Richification out to the UnRichified? Master plan required –> obviously.

:: Mark’s Master Plan ::

Phase I – The Vanity Wall

Simulate the practice of pompous assholes worldwide and plaster your wall with written notification of your accomplishments. Don’t have any accomplishments? No Probs!! Here’s a list of substitute goods that will suffice according WebGuru Marky Mark ::

• Comically enlarged currency

• “Your First Year in Network Marketing” Sign {remember it with pride}

• A picture of a car you can’t afford {any car}

• Powerpoint print outs of your current SadSales pitch

• Random marketing materials

• A picture of a sunset {if you can afford it}

Don’t feel embarrassed about leaving Grandma’s lamp in the frame :: Shit happens. Now use this Wall of Impressitude as the backdrop for your entire social media presence. Great job!

Phase II – Tweet it Up

Use a mass follow program to follow as many people as possible {everyone else is doing it}. Here’s the kicker {the honey pot} :: Collect 20 ambiguously hopeful truisms {the triter >> the better} ::

• If i fail, if i succeed…at least i live as i believe.

• You never know how far you can go until you get there.

• If it wasn’t hard then everyone would do it..the hard is what makes it great.

Delicious! {Like kitty litter doused in syphilitic piss.}

Now simply attach a link to your cookie cutter sales page … and have a bot start Tweeting your dribble+link cocktail EVERY FUCKING MINUTE. Every minute … once a minute … once a fucking minute. Once a minute … really? Yep! Once a minute.

So stupid. So rude. That’s not social media … it’s just SPAM. Regular old cheap ass SPAM. All it’s going to do is enrage your followers. You risk beheading, being drown as a witch, or public crucifixion.

Or … wait for it … people will it EAT IT UP like free Denny’s :: {The Response}. Not that Mark is making any sales :: {or in any way expediting his longed for departure from Grandma’s spare bedroom} :: But he’ll always have these couple of special days … back in the beautiful Spring of 2009 … when Mark’s Funky TURDS were the TURDS everyone was smelling. ** **

Priceless.

>> bleep bloop