vanity-walls-gone-wild

Meet Marky Mark. Mark is extremely rich … not literally of course … but that is his super-subtle Twitter handle.  I’m Extremely Rich Biatch!

Mark would love to sell you on a MLM Opportunity {opportunity not implied}. But how can he get his message of Extreme Richification out to the UnRichified?  Master plan required –> obviously.

:: Mark’s Master Plan ::

Phase I — The Vanity Wall

Simulate the practice of pompous assholes worldwide and plaster your wall with written notification of your accomplishments.  Don’t have any accomplishments?  No Probs!! Here’s a list of substitute goods that will suffice according WebGuru Marky Mark ::

  • Comically enlarged currency
  • “Your First Year in Network Marketing” Sign {remember it with pride}
  • A picture of a car you can’t afford {any car}
  • Powerpoint print outs of your current SadSales pitch
  • Random marketing materials
  • A picture of a sunset {if you can afford it}

Don’t feel embarrassed about leaving Grandma’s lamp in the frame :: Shit happens.  Now use this Wall of Impressitude as the backdrop for your entire social media presence.  Great job!

Phase II — Tweet it Up

Use a mass follow program to follow as many people as possible {everyone else is doing it}. Here’s the kicker {the honey pot} :: Collect 20 ambiguously hopeful truisms {the triter >> the better} ::

  • If i fail, if i succeed…at least i live as i believe.
  • You never know how far you can go until you get there.
  • If it wasn’t hard then everyone would do it..the hard is what makes it great.

Delicious! {Like kitty litter doused in syphilitic piss.}

Now simply attach a link to your cookie cutter sales page … and have a bot start Tweeting your dribble+link cocktail EVERY FUCKING MINUTE.  Every minute … once a minute … once a fucking minute. Once a minute … really?  Yep!  Once a minute.

So stupid.  So rude.  That’s not social media … it’s just SPAM.  Regular old cheap ass SPAM.  All it’s going to do is enrage your followers. You risk beheading, being drown as a witch, or public crucifixion.

Or … wait for it … people will it EAT IT UP like free Denny’s :: {The Response}.  Not that Mark is making any sales :: {or in any way expediting his longed for departure from Grandma’s spare bedroom} :: But he’ll always have these couple of special days … back in the beautiful Spring of 2009 … when Mark’s Funky TURDS were the TURDS everyone was smelling. 

Priceless.

>> bleep