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Marky Mark and the Funky Funk

Author == SD 24 April 2009 7 Comments

vanity-walls-gone-wild

Meet Marky Mark. Mark is extremely rich … not literally of course … but that is his super-subtle Twitter handle.  I’m Extremely Rich Biatch!

Mark would love to sell you on a MLM Opportunity {opportunity not implied}. But how can he get his message of Extreme Richification out to the UnRichified?  Master plan required –> obviously.

:: Mark’s Master Plan ::

Phase I — The Vanity Wall

Simulate the practice of pompous assholes worldwide and plaster your wall with written notification of your accomplishments.  Don’t have any accomplishments?  No Probs!! Here’s a list of substitute goods that will suffice according WebGuru Marky Mark ::

  • Comically enlarged currency
  • “Your First Year in Network Marketing” Sign {remember it with pride}
  • A picture of a car you can’t afford {any car}
  • Powerpoint print outs of your current SadSales pitch
  • Random marketing materials
  • A picture of a sunset {if you can afford it}

Don’t feel embarrassed about leaving Grandma’s lamp in the frame :: Shit happens.  Now use this Wall of Impressitude as the backdrop for your entire social media presence.  Great job!

Phase II — Tweet it Up

Use a mass follow program to follow as many people as possible {everyone else is doing it}. Here’s the kicker {the honey pot} :: Collect 20 ambiguously hopeful truisms {the triter >> the better} ::

  • If i fail, if i succeed…at least i live as i believe.
  • You never know how far you can go until you get there.
  • If it wasn’t hard then everyone would do it..the hard is what makes it great.

Delicious! {Like kitty litter doused in syphilitic piss.}

Now simply attach a link to your cookie cutter sales page … and have a bot start Tweeting your dribble+link cocktail EVERY FUCKING MINUTE.  Every minute … once a minute … once a fucking minute. Once a minute … really?  Yep!  Once a minute.

So stupid.  So rude.  That’s not social media … it’s just SPAM.  Regular old cheap ass SPAM.  All it’s going to do is enrage your followers. You risk beheading, being drown as a witch, or public crucifixion.

Or … wait for it … people will it EAT IT UP like free Denny’s :: {The Response}.  Not that Mark is making any sales :: {or in any way expediting his longed for departure from Grandma’s spare bedroom} :: But he’ll always have these couple of special days … back in the beautiful Spring of 2009 … when Mark’s Funky TURDS were the TURDS everyone was smelling. 

Priceless.

>> bleep


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:: read one now before you die of stupid.

7 Comments »

  • Dr. Zeuss said:

    When I saw your “Tritebot” tweet earlier (5 stars), I knew a post just had to follow.

    If it could only be arranged for someone to call him by phone every 60 seconds urging, “If at first you don’t succeed…a bird in the hand…” and then simply hang up, but not before reminding him of the daily blackboard special at a nearby deli.

    Excellent analysis of the interior decor btw. I am curious about the one item you didn’t mention, though…the mysterious hanging tassle. Perhaps it is used to summon the waitstaff, or maybe it’s just a drain pull for servicing the upstairs loo.

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    # 24 April 2009 at 6:11 pm
  • Flossie said:

    On a side note, why does there seem to be such an acute shortage of DENTISTS in the UK? Or maybe there isn’t as much a shortage of dentists as people who will visit them?

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    # 25 April 2009 at 5:41 pm
  • Neil said:

    Hey!! “BillyBob” plastic teeth are a product of the US – in both cases.
    That Glaswegian MLM turd is a “NED” in the local venacular – Non Educated Delinquent. And a fucking ugly one at that

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    # 27 April 2009 at 4:45 pm
  • Wall-Eeeee said:

    Funny, but despite the fact he is sending out the SAME repetitive batch of robotic tweets 1 MINUTE APART, people seem to be tolerating it very well! In fact, many are commenting (as if he is actively involved) and REtweeting these annoying non-stop spam quotations. It’s actually kind of unbelievable, and says something about the average population. What it says seems to say is, most people are pretty daft! I think I’ll be moving to another planet as soon as I can get my stuff all packed.

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    # 27 April 2009 at 7:49 pm
  • DS said:

    Is he sucking or blowing?

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    # 29 April 2009 at 12:22 am
  • Bill said:

    He is indeed one ugly fucker.

    @Flossie

    There isn’t an acute shortage of dentists in the UK – just a shortage of ones that will take on NHS patients. Over here we’re all of the strange opinion that teeth are mainly for eating with rather than flashing around. The money we all save by visiting the dentist only once every couple of years we spend on things like, you know, buying books and taking our kids to nice places. Generally our teeth work just fine.

    I will grant that this guy does have particularly horrendous gnashers, though. We can probably put this down to his neddishness (see Neil above.)

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    # 29 April 2009 at 1:59 pm
  • sd (author) said:

    Zeuss :: I desperately wanted to include that stupid fucking tassel :: But my sick-genius failed me :: Thanks for the assist

    Flossie :: I’d consider an “acute lack of dentists” to be a GOOD thing :: As 60% of their business model {in America} is to sell you useless shit increases your suffering and doesn’t make eating any easier

    Neil :: “NED” = awesome

    Wall-E :: Agreed! This planet is clearly a lost fucking cause. I almost started sobbing when I ran the search and it came up with Level 80 Daftness. People love the taste of crap!

    DS :: It think he’d be open to either in barter for a lead generation system.

    Bill :: Proudly defending the dental honor of your tiny NationState! {somebody’s gotta do it} We do get lots of dental “paint jobs” here in VanityLand :: Hopefully it will turn out that the chemicals we use cause an increased risk of experiencing SHAME … no sign of that so far.

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    # 29 April 2009 at 6:30 pm

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