Do you have the Swine Flu? :: or more appropriately phrased :: ¿Está enferma con la gripe porcina?

The only way to be 100% certain that you are disease free is to have a full autopsy performed.  Many so-called “Doctors” are saying it’s too early to start doing precautionary autopsies on the non-dead :: But I have my doubts.  People who claim to care about the public good should be willing to undergo the occasional autopsy {or waterboarding}.

But just in case your civic mindedness doesn’t include having your lungs removed and cross-sectioned :: Here’s a list of common symptoms to watch for ::

1. Everything smells of bacon
2. You can smell everything BUT bacon
3. You have a core temperature of 160° F and your skin is coated with BBQ sauce
4. You’ve recently become a Republican {seemingly unrelated}
5. You keep saying, “You complete me” to Lettuce and Tomato
6. You’re having a harder time than usual finding the energy to fuck pigs.
7. Jews and Muslims are BOTH finding you intolerable
8. When I say, “Knee deep in shit” … You’re like … Okay
9. ¿Dónde está el supermercado? {seemingly unrelated :: and in Spanish}
10. When pearls are put before you :: You urinate on them with clichéd regularity

If you are currently suffering from between 0 – 11 of these symptoms :: Then you will likely die.

“Oh Noes!” Screams you in your most delicate-lady voice.  “I don’t want to die yet.”  Whatever! –> That’s what everyone says … couldn’t you try thinking “outside the box” for once?  Fortunately for you, and your conformist desire to live, there is a CURE for the Swine Flu!!

The CURE has been developed by Perry Evil Jowls Belcher the Brainiacs at Selmedica Healthcare {and the crowd goes wild}.  It really is an amazing accomplishment when you consider the fact that Selmedica has never had a single scientist, researcher, or college graduate on staff.  Yet somehow they managed to find a cure for UnicornTesticleConjunctivitis … and now Swine Flu.  Glory Hallelujah!!

Introducing HamBelchatol™ ::

99.4% of all people who used HamBelchatol™ as directed reported a positive result.
93.7% said that their Swine Flu had completely vanished …

WARNING :: Side Effects Include ::

• The loss of $100
• Permanent decrease in your Faith-in-Humanity
• 100% chance of still having the Swine Flu

>> bleep bloop

More fabulously hilarious writing ::

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5. Perry Belcher: On Bullshit According to Perry {Evil Jowls} Belcher, Perry {Evil Jowls}...

:: read one now before you die of stupid.