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PerryPalooza 2009 – Fine Just Fine

Author == SD 10 August 2009 20 Comments

:: Day One ::

Perry Belcher didn’t want to come to Lollapalooza with me. He’s more of a cassette tape of Hank Williams Jr. kind of D-Bag :: And festivals are tough on short, squat, stupid little men. I convinced him only by explaining how easy it was to pickpocket drunks in a crowd. “Irresistible!” chortles Chubby Neck, “Irresistible!”

Evil Jowls complained about the rain during Bon Iver :: I was forced to smack him. Rain is perfect for that eerily angelic falsetto … and it was amazing. Last year it was 98 on Friday :: Is that what you want turd? I didn’t think so.

Perry and I waited more than an hour for a sweet spot for The Decemberists :: They played Hazards of Love start to finish :: I thought it was fucking awesome, but Perry was writhing around on the ground in pain after having called the hippie chick next to us “sweetheart” :: Turns out … she wasn’t.

For a moment I thought my Evil BFF was going to love Andrew Bird :: At the beginning of the set Perry started jumping up and down … clapping like a mentally deficient seal :: “I can whistle too, I can whistle too,” he twanged at maximum voice.  But then Andrew sang ::

In the salsify mains of what was thought but unsaid

all the calcified arhythmitists were doing the math

it would take a calculated blow to the head

to light the eyes of all the harmless sociopaths.

:: and Perry started to sob and mumble something about how his Mom hadn’t noticed that he was dyslexic until it was too late.

I hope Evil Jowls has more fun tomorrow or he’s going to stop going to shows with me.  I’ll bring a bag of Twinkies :: A motorcycle coloring book :: And an iPod shuffle loaded with Travis Tritt :: Just to be on the safe side.

>> bleep rock bleep

:: Day Two ::


I couldn’t get Perry to shut up about my “broke ass house” today :: It was a real annoyance :: I’m starting to regret letting him live in my pocket.  What the fuck is wrong with my house? We are walking distance to this god damn festival are we not? I know it’s no Tennessee Suburban McMansion {purchased with blood money} … but it’s pretty kick ass.

Perry didn’t understand why all the wild Welsh in Los Campesinos! had changed their last names to Campesinos! :: I don’t understand either :: But I told Evil Jowls it was an anti-werewolf safety precaution :: He seemed convinced.  They gave a shout out to Elliot Smith :: Who would have been 40 this week :: And then they rocked way more than Heatmiser ever did {I love you Elliot!}.

I’ll bet you didn’t know that Perry Belcher was a huge fan of Animal Collective :: No wait :: That was someone else.  Mr. ThickNeckerson had never heard of them :: The only Pitchfork he knows about is the one that Satan keeps jabbing in his ass.

>> bloop rock

:: Day Three ::

the end's not near

Perry spent almost all of Sunday in my pocket :: Right next to my incredibly sweaty balls. He seemed to prefer it :: The rock ethos makes him nauseous. Rock is about telling the establishment to suck it :: But Evil Jowls feeds on the herd like conformity to establishment norms. Norms which demand politeness at all costs … and teach us not to question … and to believe that people who say “I’m not lying” must indeed be truthful.  The resonance frequencies ringing from rock send a very clear message to every organic molecule within range: FUCK THAT!

The Sun refused to bugger off during Ra Ra Riot :: and it was painful :: very painful.  If forced to estimate :: I’d say 40 people were killed … but maybe it was closer to 0. They were worth it! One word :: Cello.  No offense to Yo Yo Ma :: But it’s an instrument that rarely makes my PlayList.

Vampire Weekend started getting loads of shit from music snobs once EVERYONE on Earth declared their love for their self titled debut. That’s BullShit Yo! That album is a fucking masterpiece :: that the fools love it too is incidental.  They played some NEW songs :: Gr8! :: All you stupid bitches whining about how long it’s taking are going to have to EAT IT.

My meat-space friends were all like :: “Cold War Kids are going to suck … we wanna go see {this, or that, or something other than Cold War Kids}.  Um No! They aren’t going to suck dip shits :: dot dot dot C U L8er.  They {very kindly} played Hospital Beds :: and stupid drunk people love to scream their EtOH dependent lyrics :: always good for a healthy smile from the smugly healthy.

Perry Belcher, and demons, made their first appearance waiting {front-and-center ftw!} for Band of Horses :: and waiting and waiting :: while Lou Reed ran over 15min on the other stage.  I was like, “I hate you Lou Reed! You HasBeen!”  And then Perry Belcher was all like, “Yeah man get off the stage!”  And then I was like, “Oh No You Didn’t Perry Belcher! Lou Reed is a fucking legend :: You shut your jowly mouth about it PigMan!”

Then Band of Horses came out and totally ruled :: The AssHole Sun was finally gone :: They are so perfectly singable :: And they just KILLED it.  When the festival organizer :: And Not-Evil Perry :: came out with Jane’s Addiction on the opposite stage :: They kept going so we wouldn’t get SCREWED!  Everyone was up for it :: And it was the best show of mine and Perry Belcher’s awesome show.

I was planing to stay for some of Jane’s Addiction :: Because, by this point, I’m very concerned for Jane :: But I decided to leave the festival thinking about Band of Horses pumping it out over-the-top of Jane’s Addiction :: Totally fucking rock-n-roll!  And it’s still what I’ll be thinking about next year when I pay 200 bucks for the mediocre civil engineering :: but masterful music!

>> rock

-------------

More fabulously hilarious writing ::

  1. Perry Belcher lies about MC Hammer? Perry {Evil Jowls} Belcher gave a speech at StomperNet...
  2. Perry Belcher: On Bullshit According to Perry {Evil Jowls} Belcher, Perry {Evil Jowls}...
  3. Auctioning Perry Belcher’s Million Perry {Evil Jowls} Belcher trolls around the internet claiming...
  4. Perry Belcher: Hater of Asteroids Perry Evil Jowls Belcher speaking at the Austin Internet Marketing...
  5. Perry Belcher: Convicted Asshole Introducing Perry Belcher >> Evil Idiot >> and new...

:: read one now before you die of stupid.

20 Comments »

  • Dearl said:

    Looks like you and Perry had fun. I'm sure he was bummed there was no cotton candy and churros. Did he say anything about his (rumored) upcoming product, "Getting Nascar Traffic via Twitter for Newbies?" And is he limiting this one to the usual 50,000 slots? I'm working on saving up my $3,000 right now. I hope I'm one of the lucky ones this time. Go Nascar! Go Twitter! Go hard earned money!

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    # 8 August 2009 at 6:24 pm
  • Pearl said:

    I heard old Evil Jowls likes deep fried Twinkies along with his corn dogs so be sure bring some or locate them. I thought Belcher's next appearance is supposed to be with the illiterate Maria Andros at her Beverly Hills red carpet event coming up next month. She fancies herself as a BIG HOLLYWOOD celebrity in her latest video that shows her signing autographs and being persued by so called fans in her slutting looking evening gown get up. This crowd of social media "rock stars" – meaning Belcher, Deiss, Maria Andros and the BIG ASS Carrie Wilkerson and their friends – looks like an updated version of the Beverly Hillbillies.

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    SaltyDroid Reply:
    August 11th, 2009 at 12:37 am

    I saw that "Hollywood" video :: OMG! :: I'm going to have something to say about :: Once I recover from the shock and horror.

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    # 9 August 2009 at 3:18 am
  • froylein said:

    Brilliant!

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    # 10 August 2009 at 5:22 am
  • Bill said:

    Hey, you bastard, you've seen the Decembrists live BEFORE ME. I'm seeing them in London in November.

    You've even beat me to Los Campesinos I fucking LIVE in Wales.

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    SaltyDroid Reply:
    August 11th, 2009 at 12:54 am

    I can't believe you've never seen Campesinos! They are so much fun :: And you could probably see them at the club were they spent their angsty teen years getting drunk … always a plus for energy levels

    At one point in the show :: He talked about their fondness for Chicago after having their American debut here. Then he said :: Loudly :: To celebrate those fond feelings, "Here's a song about how we are going to die alone!"

    Too good!

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    # 10 August 2009 at 2:31 pm
  • Belcher Rules said:

    ROTFLMAO – at you.

    Perry Belcher made millions this weekend at his seminar.

    Sold a huge mastermind program.

    So “Jason”. What’s your last name. You afraid to come out of the closet?

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    froylein Reply:
    August 10th, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    The golden rule of car retailers is that you can sell poor people any crap at ridiculously high prices as they will be happy to afford *something*.

    Rich people invest in quality.

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    Myrra Reply:
    August 10th, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Ya, if only the Droid were clever enough to sell worthless crap by blatantly lying to those who are overly trusting. Sigh, oh well, at least he is clever enough to make me laugh.

    Why do you want his last name so bad? If Perry is making millions, I can't imagine that he really cares at all about some asteroid asshole… oh, wait, I forgot: the Droid is driving him crazy. Guess $$$ doesn't buy peace of mind (or, maybe it would if he actually was making millions, which he is not because no one as ethical as Perry would so blatantly violate the terms of his parole).

    Well, I do hope you figure out who this charming little humor-tarian is, so you can, uhm, so you can… well, what exactly is the brilliant plan? Call his mommy?

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    froylein Reply:
    August 10th, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I think he'll ask for spare change.

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    Myrra Reply:
    August 10th, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Very plausible (and hee-larious). Well, I'm sure the Droid will take the high road and toss Perry and/or his fellow lampreys a dime.

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    SaltyDroid Reply:
    August 11th, 2009 at 12:45 am

    ha!

    I'm sorry that my commenters are so much smarter than you hater :: It's very embarrassing for you

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    # 10 August 2009 at 9:56 am
  • Mr. Smith said:

    "Belcher Mastermind" is an oxymoron.
    "Belcher sociopath" is redundant.

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    # 10 August 2009 at 5:48 pm
  • abj said:

    "DON'T add me if you intend to spam me with your marketing. If you do I will delete you very quickly!"

    Got that off D-bag Schirmers site but isn't is just incredible that those guys don't want anyone elses shit but they are more than happy to spread their own around to everyone including everyone who doesnt want their shit. I've searched that Schirmer guy and there is a link somewhere in OZ where someone had been trying forever (well a lot) to get off his bloody mailing list but in the real guru style they just agree, say they'll take it off and DO NOTHING. What is it with these guys? Their bloody egos are so large, even larger than they are and they get less and less respect every day but they keep hanging in there for some love, please just a bit, just any will do, just tell your dog to love me at least. Whawha mommy nobody loves me, I hate them, I hate everyone who doesn't love me. Not once do they wake up and discover what wankers they have been. Thank God there really are only a handful who give us the shits, the rest are just annoying.

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    Dr. Thinkelstein Reply:
    August 12th, 2009 at 3:06 am

    Hey abj: David Schirmer's exhibit is down the hall, the third door to your right. Your contribution is most welcome there and ranting is encouraged, if not mandatory. However, THIS particular entry was about Perry Belcher, the famous American internet felon with a neck that makes even Giant Redwoods jealous.

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    # 11 August 2009 at 11:43 am
  • SaltyDroid (author) said:

    [youtube xH7kv2jbEvA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH7kv2jbEvA youtube]

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    # 11 August 2009 at 9:44 pm
  • SaltyDroid (author) said:

    [youtube xH7kv2jbEvA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH7kv2jbEvA youtube]

    Last day :: No Perry Belcher :: You can only stand to look at his ugly fucking face some many times in one weekend.

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    # 11 August 2009 at 9:47 pm
  • SaltyDroid (author) said:

    [youtube xH7kv2jbEvA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH7kv2jbEvA youtube]

    Last Day :: No Perry Belcher :: Everything in moderation {or something like that}

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    # 11 August 2009 at 9:49 pm
  • Pearl said:

    Looks like Evil Jowls Belcher just updated Twitter several hours ago to read…"One more Ass*ole just got blocked. People who ride on my past to get noticed are pathetic. Learn to earn respect."

    He he he, somebody is still bothering him.

    Oh yeah right, sure he took in a million or more over the weekend.

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    SaltyDroid Reply:
    August 11th, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    awesome! thanks for noticing that :: I wasn't watching today

    Why "learn to earn respect" when you can just pretend like people respect you?

    and the link :: http://twitter.com/PerryBelcher/status/3249899201 :: for posterity. who got banned? someone figure it out {I demand it!}

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    # 11 August 2009 at 9:53 pm

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