Matt and His Mommy

Did you know that Matt BallSack Bacak had a mother? That’s right!! He’s not one of these motherless scammers you read so much about in the fake paper. He wasn’t hand crafted by some Dark Overlord using only rotting garbage and viscous back fat. Nope … he just popped out of a lady like everybody else. He’s posted a letter of recommendation from that very lady just to prove it to you … you skeptical bastards {link}::

Dear Friends:

This letter is about my son, Matthew David Bacak, and his precious life. God blessed his Dad and I with our first born on December 31, 1977. He came into this world on a snowy wintery Ohio day. That seems like yesterday and this year he is celebrating his thirtieth birthday. Matt has overcome a lot of challenges throughout his thirty years.

Did BallSack’s mother actually write this drivel … or did Matt write it himself?? Who cares! It’s fucking hysterical either way …

Talking about your family frequently makes you seem more like a human and less like a con man. It’s an essential tool of the trade :: It’s the default disguise. Matt frequently uses this technique … but as in all things … he completely fucking sucks at it.

Letters from Mommies CANNOT not be exchanged for StreetCred of any kind after the 8th Grade :: NO EXCEPTIONS!! But if you are going to be brazen enough to offer up your mother as reference :: Try to include more glittering highlights than ::

• a slow learner with possible learning disabilities {stupid}

• trouble adjusting to a new school {awkward}

• big trading losses {arrogant}

• bankrupt before 30 {irresponsible}

• played high school sports {fucking irrelevant}

I can’t wait to drop $10,000 {link} to spend a day in an airport hotel conference room with this Legend of Fail.

How could someone with a mother not be worth $1000 per hour?

>> bleep bloop