Home » Matt Bacak, d-bags

Matt and His Mommy

Author == SD 15 April 2009 8 Comments

spanking-the-monkey

Did you know that Matt BallSack Bacak had a mother?  That’s right!! He’s not one of these motherless scammers you read so much about in the fake paper.  He wasn’t hand crafted by some Dark Overlord using only rotting garbage and viscous back fat.  Nope … he just popped out of a lady like everybody else.  He’s posted a letter of recommendation from that very lady just to prove it to you … you skeptical bastards {link}::

Dear Friends:

This letter is about my son, Matthew David Bacak, and his precious life.  God blessed his Dad and I with our first born on December 31, 1977.  He came into this world on a snowy wintery Ohio day.  That seems like yesterday and this year he is celebrating his thirtieth birthday.  Matt has overcome a lot of challenges throughout his thirty years.

Did BallSack’s mother actually write this drivel … or did Matt write it himself??  Who cares!  It’s fucking hysterical either way …

Talking about your family frequently makes you seem more like a human and less like a con man. It’s an essential tool of the trade :: It’s the default disguise.  Matt frequently uses this technique … but as in all things … he completely fucking sucks at it.

Letters from Mommies CANNOT not be exchanged for StreetCred of any kind after the 8th Grade :: NO EXCEPTIONS!! But if you are going to be brazen enough to offer up your mother as reference :: Try to include more glittering highlights than ::

  • a slow learner with possible learning disabilities {stupid}
  • trouble adjusting to a new school {awkward}
  • big trading losses {arrogant}
  • bankrupt before 30 {irresponsible}
  • played high school sports {fucking irrelevant}

matt-b4-the-fatt

I can’t wait to drop $10,000 {link} to spend a day in an airport hotel conference room with this Legend of Fail.

How could someone with a mother not be worth $1000 per hour?

>> bleep

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:: read one now before you die of stupid.

8 Comments »

  • Leroy Dalrimple III Jr. said:

    Yeah, the ‘humanization by familial association’ is directly taken from chapter 38, verse 14 of the Peddler’s Playbook. “And whosoever you bondeth with on such level shall rise up to provideth you with a cash infusion, and willingly so, regardless of whether you sucketh or noteth.”

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    # 16 April 2009 at 9:52 pm
  • sd (author) said:

    I see you are still reading the King James version of the playbook :: How orthodox

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    # 17 April 2009 at 12:11 am
  • Larry Z. said:

    Wow, reading this really brought tears to me eyes. Not my own tears, mind you, but store bought tears in an opaque white bottle. I felt genuine sadness as I wondered how devastated Matt must have felt when his mother finally told him the truth about his not being made from rotten garbage and viscous back fat. I only hope the disappointment made him a stronger person, because you need a lot of strength to carry around that much blubber.

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    # 19 April 2009 at 11:15 pm
  • Jughead said:

    Here’s a heartwarming and sincere video of Matt talking to us from the expanse of his media room, describing the “vocal minority” who are robbing us, stealing our success, and…well, that’s as far as I could listen, absent any convincing threats to my safety for not continuing. So, I’m not sure who exactly is robbing us, but Matt does have a REALLY nice media room that probably took many, many instant downloads to pay for. I am sure he thanks everybody for their sacrifice, although I can certainly not speak for him, at least not as well as his mom can.

    Fittingly, this video is served up via “pansyreport.com.”

    https://www.pansyreport.com/cashola.php

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    # 20 April 2009 at 12:14 am
  • BA said:

    I can see all these lunatic fake marketing gurus all getting together and screwing each other over big time. I bet they are thinking up how to do it right this minute. Its almost hilarious how they give themselves these stupid titles and they really believe they are IT. Thats why people like us really enjoy taking it out of them because they are trying to be so serious and we can see through the lot of them.

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    # 20 April 2009 at 5:12 am
  • Placebo said:

    The “free wheeling” days of internet marketing are just about over.

    Instead of these guys endorsing each other and doing the circle jerk to maintain group and individual credibility and $ALE$, people are starting to wake up and draw their own (more rational) conclusions.

    Hint: “ain’t NOTHIN’ from no stinkin’ internet marketer” worth paying hundreds or thousands of dollars for! It’s all out there in plain english (without the buzz speak) for FREE to those who take the time to search.

    Internet marketers=dreamsellers

    There are much cheaper forms of anesthesia and hallucinogens.

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    # 20 April 2009 at 2:48 pm
  • sd (author) said:

    That movie is a classic :: It’s on my hard drive for future use {at a time inconvenient to BallSack}

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    # 20 April 2009 at 8:15 pm
  • Big Chuck said:

    Saw this link on the jvnotify site. This fat fuck always cracks me up.

    https://www.secrettrafficmachine.com/indexeof.php

    Some people just should NOT do video. A “pulse-pounding traffic generating vortex?” really?

    His shitty inflection reminds me of Don Lapre.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mubCkCAEiDQ

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    # 12 August 2010 at 10:38 am

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