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Perry Belcher Cures Swine Flu

29 Apr 2009 :: by sd :: Comments

1-2-3 SELL IT

Do you have the Swine Flu? :: or more appropriately phrased :: ¿Está enferma con la gripe porcina?

The only way to be 100% certain that you are disease free is to have a full autopsy performed. Many so-called “Doctors” are saying it’s too early to start doing precautionary autopsies on the non-dead :: But I have my doubts. People who claim to care about the public good should be willing to undergo the occasional autopsy {or waterboarding}.

But just in case your civic mindedness doesn’t include having your lungs removed and cross-sectioned :: Here’s a list of common symptoms to watch for ::

  1. Everything smells of bacon

  2. You can smell everything BUT bacon

  3. You have a core temperature of 160° F and your skin is coated with BBQ sauce

  4. You’ve recently become a Republican {seemingly unrelated}

  5. You keep saying, “You complete me” to Lettuce and Tomato

  6. You’re having a harder time than usual finding the energy to fuck pigs.

  7. Jews and Muslims are BOTH finding you intolerable

  8. When I say, “Knee deep in shit” … You’re like … Okay

  9. ¿Dónde está el supermercado? {seemingly unrelated :: and in Spanish}

  10. When pearls are put before you :: You urinate on them with clichéd regularity

If you are currently suffering from between 0 - 11 of these symptoms :: Then you will likely die.

“Oh Noes!” Screams you in your most delicate-lady voice. “I don’t want to die yet.” Whatever! –> That’s what everyone says … couldn’t you try thinking “outside the box” for once? Fortunately for you, and your conformist desire to live, there is a CURE for the Swine Flu!!

The CURE has been developed by Perry Evil Jowls Belcher the Brainiacs at Selmedica Healthcare {and the crowd goes wild}. It really is an amazing accomplishment when you consider the fact that Selmedica has never had a single scientist, researcher, or college graduate on staff. Yet somehow they managed to find a cure for UnicornTesticleConjunctivitis … and now Swine Flu. Glory Hallelujah!!

the-nature-of-fictions

Introducing HamBelchatol™ ::

99.4% of all people who used HamBelchatol™ as directed reported a positive result. 93.7% said that their Swine Flu had completely vanished …

WARNING :: Side Effects Include ::

  • The loss of $100

  • Permanent decrease in your Faith-in-Humanity

  • 100% chance of still having the Swine Flu

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