Salty Droid >> bleep bloop

Salty Droid

Tim Lawson Fixes Mark Shurtleff

Mark Shurtleff and Tim Lawson are super best friends forever … with benefits {like snuggling and pedicures}. Lawson told City Weekly in 2009 …

“Me and Mark are as close as two guys can be without being gay… We’re like brothers.”


Lawson is pretty sure that he got his “manager” position at drug crazed Mentoring of America due to his un-gay relationship with Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff. Lawson is so convinced of Shurtleff’s devotion that he goes around doing stupid shit like this …

Kitts says one text demanded he pay $7,000 or Lawson would see to it that Kitts landed in jail. When Kitts told Lawson he was threatening extortion, “[Lawson] said, ‘I don’t give a fuck what it is, I am untouchable in this state.’ ”

Last week the Salt Lake City Weekly published a cover story with more details about the kissey kissey relationship between Tim Lawson :: Mark Shurtleff :: and Utah’s black hole boiler room ring. If you care about the epic battle between good {fake robots} and evil {real d-bags} :: then go read this motherfucking article …

Tim Lawson, The Fix-It Man

Here’s a couple more tastes …

“I’m like Joseph Smith, I’m known for better and worse. I’m like a modern-day Porter Rockwell [Joseph Smith’s vengeful bodyguard]. I protect those people that I love and care about,” Lawson says, making both comparisons in the same breath.

He’s like Joseph Smith AND his bodyguard :: he’s like the peanut butter AND the jelly :: he’s like the balls AND the shaft … plus he knows Mark Shurtleff. And oh by the way :: has he mentioned that he knows Mark Shurtleff?

In the summer of 2009, Lawson took Shurtleff to California for a vacation, at Lawson’s expense. “I needed a break and so did [Shurtleff], so I said, ‘Dude, let’s go to California,’ ” Lawson says of the trip, where he says he introduced Shurtleff to Lawson’s extended family along with a number of wealthy donors.

Dude :: let’s hang out … old-man style. It’ll be totally hardcore :: but not in a gay way.

Shurtleff disputes Lawson’s take on the trip. “It was not a fundraising trip,” he says. Shurtleff says that he stayed with Lawson in California but that it was just to work on his novel, Am I Not a Man? about the life of Dred Scott.

You’d be surprised how long it takes to write a terrible half-english “book” that no one gives a shit about {days possibly weeks}.

In a letter dated Feb. 12, 2009, Shurtleff wrote a recommendation for Lawson, praising Lawson’s business acumen: “Over the last 11 years, Mr. Lawson has become a close personal friend,” reads Shurtleff’s letter, “and has demonstrated professional capabilities in business organization, management and administration.”

Once again … adorable!

“There’s a lot of people out there who don’t like me,” Lawson says. “I don’t give a flying monkey’s ass if they like me or not—this is America, they can go fuck themselves.”


>> bleep bloop