Dr. Tony Alessandra is a “professional” speaker :: and he definitely does not live in a van down by the river … too many crackheads down there. It’s best to keep the van on the move :: maybe take your under-appreciated daughter on a road trip to a beauty pageant with someone from The Daily Show. Stuff like that. There’s lots of great things to do with a van you happen to be living in :: this whole “down by the river” stereotype really peeves The Tony.

Doctor of the professional speaking arts Tony Alessandra welcomes you to his retrograde website with this masterpiece of blurb-a-tude {seriously!} …

“As the room lights dim, a hush comes over the audience in anticipation of the keynote address. “Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Tony Alessandra,” echoes the announcer as the energetic figure walks briskly onto the stage. Departing from tradition, he passes the awaiting podium, steps off the stage and directly into the audience. He delivers his first line and the hush in the room is broken with spontaneous laughter and applause. From that moment on, the electricity of Tony Alessandra never stops.”

OMG I’m so fucking captivated right now! This is such a great story :: it deserves a great finish.  I’ll give it a try :: I’m not a faux-leader of not-thinking like Dr. Tony Alessandra or anything … but I’ll still make an effort for the sake of the fake arts …

As the room lights return to a more acceptable shade of corporate florescent :: the ladies and gentlemen notice that Dr. Tony’s neck flaps around like a poorly stitched muppet’s as he sweats like Richard Nixon. “Who is this turd ball?” :: whispers a regional sales rep from the tri-state area as she sneaks out the back to chain smoke and play Angry Birds. Sticking with tradition :: Alessandra attempts to pass off a series of cliché and shallow banalities as some kind of secret wisdoms. “Crap like this is why this company hasn’t met its sale’s goals in three consecutive quarters” :: thinks almost everybody. The chicken tastes like old shoes :: but it’s better than Alessandra’s pathetic attempts at recycled humor. Many audience members start biting their tongues :: the pain reminds them that they’re still alive … and the blood flavors the chicken. Finally :: the sweet release of it being over … people rush off to cheat on their spouses and forget all about Tony Alessandra.

And you can too!

Here’s a small taste of that Alessandra electricity …

This is Tony’s “famous story” about buying a house :: it had 17 views when I posted it. I guess one man’s famous is another man’s slightly mushy potato. The story is about how when people buy a house it’s like life :: and how life is like a box of chocolates that you got at Walgreens and some of them were already melted and tasted of taint … or something. Okay :: fuck :: I can’t lie to you people … I didn’t watch it. I’m not going to watch it.  You shouldn’t watch it either :: it’s a waste of your already mostly wasted life.  But enough of you are going to watch it based on the power of my non-recommendation to make it Dr. Tony Alessandra’s “most famous” video.  So congrats on that Dr. Tony :: you’re welcome!

With Dr. Alessandra you’re not getting some jackass nobody who says he’s a something when he’s actually a nothing. No :: you’re getting the real deal :: a Certified Speaking Professional :: CSP for short. Ask yourself this :: if CSP wasn’t a real thing … would they have their own acronym? I think not!

James Arthur Ray :: convicted felon and negligent homicider :: is also a CSP.  He even put it on his wall :: right next to his O …

CSP’s gots to stick together. If there aren’t any other pretenders out there to pretend that you’re not a pretender :: then how are you supposed to pull off pretending like you’re not a pretender? Did I just blow your mind? Then you might want to join a French for trade union.  French for trade unions are very important if what you’re offering has zero core value and is completely non-differentiated.

Scum coagulates …

From: On Behalf Of Dr. Tony Alessandra 858-999-2119
Sent: Thursday, June 30, 2011 12:06 PM
Subject: [CSPlink] Re: More on James Arthur Ray

…I just received this email from James Ray. He needs help from all those who really know him. I’ve volunteered to testify as a character witness in Aug.or Sept. prior to sentencing. ALL your letters will help his case.

From: James Ray
Sent: Wednesday, June 29, 2011 8:58 PM
To: Tony Alessandra (TA@Alessandra.com )
Subject: help James Ray

Tony I need as many letters of support as possible talking about the good I’ve done and WHY I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE DOING MY WORK and get probation versus prison. Can you help me? How do they know me, what have I done for them or what have they observed me do, what do they know about my character, work ethic, contribution, WHY SHOULD I BE ALLOWED TO GET BACK AND CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY, ETC.
You mentioned that many speakers have made supportive comments to you, can you get them to write letters-the more the better. My lawyers want to give them to the judge to help sway his sentence. Have them send via email to nk@jamesray.com. Attachment with a signature is best but if not possible can be in the body of the email.

Thanks in advance for your help

James Arthur Ray

James Ray MUST BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE DOING HIS WORK.  Yeah sure “his work” involves killing some people :: but what’s a couple of dead bodies to a world thought leader :: and CSP :: like Tony Alessandra?

Tony Alessandra knows that the REAL James Arthur Ray is not the d-bag who tells people to urinate inside of an air tight death trap. That’s just what people testified to in a court of law. The REAL James Arthur Ray is all about cupcakes and adopting rescue dogs.  This whole “covering up Colleen’s death” thing wasn’t the REAL James Ray either. The REAL James Ray :: as only Tony Alessandra seems to know :: is all about making scrapbooks for old ladies in retirement homes.

So if you’re thinking about booking CSP Tony Alessandra to speak at your super-lame corporate sales-a-thon type thing :: you may want to consider requesting his hot new speech …

— The Upside of Homicide —

It’s a classic! {allegedly}

And if you’re thinking about writing in support of Death Ray :: please be so kind as to CC my fake secretary Debbie at saltydroid@gmail.com … I’m sure she’d be interested in booking you on the show as soon as possible.

Tony Alessandra.

SEO.

>> bleep bloop