Herbalife is a fucking scam built to bilk poor people.

Whether or not it’s a proper “pyramid scheme” :: as currently defined by the FTC … is a moot point. The FTC doesn’t care about their own blurry pyramid standards :: so why should anyone else care? But that pyramid question is the one that the “we don’t hire women” assholes of Wall Street have their man-panties all in a knot about.

Let’s slap them around a bit to illustrate some wider points about the MLM monster :: which must be slain in order to save America’s soul from the Kraken. Not that I really give a fuck about any of their secondary market opinions :: or what happens to any of the money they manage for the Top 1% … but smacking around some smart people will be a refreshing change of pace from the barely literate Ed Dale / Crystal Cox type dummies I normally abuse around here.

And let’s start with Bronte Capital :: which has nothing to do with Emily and Charlotte … cause even allusions to women are disapproved at the Wall Street sausage party. Bronte’s chief sausage John Hempton has falsified Bill Ackman’s pyramid thesis :: using the pretend science of looking for people dumping shake powder on Craigslist … or “Craigs List” as Hempton inaccurately labels the newspaper destroying classified site five times in a single post … like the fucking web expert that he isn’t.

But we can be certain of one thing: Herbalife is not a pyramid scheme in the sense promoted by Bill Ackman. We can take the 300 page Bill Ackman presentation and throw it out. Falsified…

And any journalist (Michelle Celarier) who continues to take Bill Ackman seriously on this issue has disconnected from reality.

Yeah :: shut up you stupid lady reporter  … who invited you anywayz?

In real science :: the only thing one can be certain of is that one can’t be certain of anything … but in head-up-own-ass pretend Wall Street science we can be certain of whatever … as long as we’ve spent a few minutes trolling “Craigs List” first.

“If I was a failed distributor I might have $2000 worth of this getting old on my shelf. I might (reasonably) want to recover some money. So I would sell it.

Where? Craigs List or Ebay.

If I found lots of desperate distributors – failed ones – selling it on Ebay then Bill Ackman is probably right. If there are no such people then Bill Ackman is wrong. Simple test.”

A simple test :: super fucking stupid … but simple.

Long story short :: during the time that John Hempton spent searching the online classifieds … he didn’t find a sufficient number of distressed sellers {dumping Cookies n’ Cream flavored Formula 1} to meet his exacting standards of measuring … and stuff.

Thesis falsified :: simple … science!

Of course if John Hempton was a failed Herbalife distributor :: then statistically speaking … he would be an hispanic person … without a college degree … living a scary paycheck to paycheck existence full of fear about the future. He would have been convinced by the absolutely fraudulent claims of his upline :: that Herbalife was the miracle solution to his intractable problems … and he would have dropped a jack-load of money he didn’t have chasing that unicorn against the advice of almost all of his loved ones {aka … dream stealing haters} … alienating and humiliating himself in the process of losing everything.

Which is to say :: rich money manager John Hempton has no fucking idea what the hell he’s talking about … and should STFU ASAP.

Here are a few dings to the certainty of your science Hempton …

– What if the mid-to-upper level distributors who would be responsible for the bulk of the dubious paycheck buying & stockpiling type activity :: know that the product is a front for the business opportunity … and don’t want to smear dirt all over the unicorn by selling the front product at desperation discounts?

– What if the vast majority of the world’s population don’t know how to sell something on eBay?

– What if when you’re sucked into MLM :: the amount of money you’ve lost buying shake mix is NOTHING in comparison to the total amount of money that you’ve lost?

– What if many failed Herbalife distributors learned by failing :: and so already know {unlike John Hempton} how impossible it is to sell this shite on eBay … at any fucking price. Because hey :: maybe most people don’t want their bulk health shakes to come secondhand and soaked with the stench of someone else’s abject failure.

– What if HLF donates bus loads of their dumb junk :: and calls it charity … or childhood nutrition? Cause … they do.

– What if Shawn Dahl owns this self-storage facility :: and a dozen others like it? Cause … he does.

But let me explain it to you another way Bronte Capital’s John Hempton :: using a parable instead of science … like Jesus would do.

You :: a rich :: disconnected from reality :: totally out of touch white asshole … are at your favorite club in Sydney drinking Cristal {or whatever totally out of touch white assholes drink in Sydney}. You’re wearing your favorite $500 blue jeans :: because you think they make you look taller … and you wish you were an American. Unfortunately :: the slutty sexiness of your American pants is just too much for some Aussie pervert to resist … and you get semi-raped {just a dry hump} in the bathroom.

The semi-rape is quickly over :: but the associated mental trauma is long-lasting.

Once you finally start feeling a bit better :: do you …

a) spend a couple of days trying to sell your fancy American jeans on eBay :: taking photos :: writing a description …

“Great pants, will make you look taller. I paid $500 but will let them go for $50. It wasn’t their fault. The horror. Free shipping.”

… all while reliving the experience in vivid detail

… or …

b) throw the guilty jeans out with the trash … and immediately start wearing hoodies and canvas cargo pants?

Oh oops :: gosh … looks like I just falsified your thesis that the thesis has been falsified with my own {three word} thesis …

Trash cans exist.

Simple.

Science.

So why don’t you spend a couple of months {soul} searching through the garbage dumps of Latin America John Hempton :: and then report back to us on the status of your fucking falsifying. Please try to pick me up an Equinox water filter while you’re out there though :: cause I can never find enough of them on eBay.

>> bleep bloop