My Herbalife Job Interview

Coach-Herbalife

I seriously need a new job. Nothing too fancy or anything :: just something that pays better than my current salary of less-than-nothing-plus-death-threats-and-torments-and-lawsuits-and-droolers. Shouldn’t be too hard to beat.

The minimum wage in Ohio {my new home base} is $7.95 per hour {$318 per week} :: so that’s like a huge promotion for me and stuff … I’ll take it!

But first I have to find it … so I headed out to the Craigslist to troll for some low paying jobs. There to my fake surprise :: I found thousands of ads {like the one pictured above} for the position of “Wellness Coach.” Gloriously high paying :: no experience necessary … an appropriately fake job befitting my long experience in totally fake robotics.

As Herbalife corporate’s epic two year freak out has progressed :: its long suffering distributors have found themselves with progressively fewer authorized ways to pitch their bogus biz op to prospective victims. As former HLF President’s Team member Anthony Powell recently stated {@6:45

“You can’t be publicly traded and be in direct sales — it can’t happen. Because you can’t do anything. You have too many hinderances, roadblocks, things of that nature… What happens is you move on to becoming like an Avon lady. You can’t really produce volume.”

Herbalife wants to part-time pretend that they’re primarily a consumer products company :: reliant on person-to-person sales for distribution … rather than a biz op company which uses modern scamworld techniques to suck a massive amount of people into a fraudulent hype-of-hope sales funnel. But me & AP know different.

Publicly traded Herbalife is destroying the businesses of the {very} few Herbalife distributors who have been successful :: fiercely outlawing the only operational methods that actually work and replacing them with 1970’s style rubbish … a point which rich white people on both sides of the stock market fight seem to be missing.

MLMs can’t become not-MLMs without destroying themselves in the process {see e.g. Rippln} … in the same way that JCPenny couldn’t become Apple-cool by decree. Big bad ships don’t fucking turn :: they just go str8 until they fall off the edge of the world … where presumably the devil rents out their berths to dead Nazi sadists and mom jean designers.

I agree with the Herbalife longs :: like hardly-managing-any-money money manager John Hempton :: and has-more-money-than-god Carl Icahn … to the extent that their long positions are based on the extreme profitability and delicious margins available to companies willing to scam the shit out of poor {and middle-class} people. But scamming is just like any other industry :: there are standardly accepted techniques :: best practices :: and profit maximizing strategies … which are widely adopted and dangerous to move away from.

Six sigma :: yada yada … do it right!

In a 2001 memo Herbalife CEO F. X. Tirelli called the early iteration of Internet lead generation “our greatest opportunity” :: and said …

I firmly believe that Herbalife will not meet its true potential without taking advantage of 21st Century communication vehicles.

But in 2012 they parked those {by this time highly evolved} vehicles deep underground :: completely eliminating the open Internet as an officially accepted method of operation … it’s been bafflingly bizarre.

Can you eliminate Internet Marketing’s baseline techniques and survive in the modern world of scam? I certainly wouldn’t think so :: but perhaps my robothood biases me against non-Internet things … so I went on a quest to discover how Herbalife was attempting to replace the new with the old.

Herbalife-Health-$$$

I applied for several “Wellness Coaching” positions around the country. “Wellness Coaching” is one of the five-ish operational methods that distressed Herbalife execs currently find acceptable. My basic application was short and unprofessional :: slightly pathetic/desperate … and unwaveringly ungrammatical. Like so …

Saw your wellness coaching ad. Wondering if the position is still opening. also is working from home possible due to some health problems?

thanks

Mark Houston

Here was a typical response …

Thank you for expressing an interest to help others and earn money in the health and wellness industry.  The opportunity is still available and we’d love to speak with you.

An information/evaluation session is being held this Saturday.  Please let us know if you will be able to attend.

I was variously phone interviewed :: invited to attend Fit Camps :: selected for in-person interviews … and even invited to regional seminars. But the objective was always about getting me into a situation where I could be pitched face-to-face in the presence of other lost souls who’d already become true believers. It’s very much the old way … and it doesn’t scale.

I felt sad for the sad people trying to recruit me :: which is why I’m not going to name any of them … but I imagine that most people who reply to these ads and take the time to go through the fake interview process end up feeling more like this Yelp reviewer of Donte Andry’s Wellness Works in Costa Mesa California …

The concept is great (on paper) and certainly on their misleading advertisements spamming craigslist and other job search engines.  Folks don’t be fooled, its just a scam to get money out of your pockets. Certainly, a wellness coach will teach you everything you need to know about living a healthier lifestyle, but unfortunately they are using “Wellness Coach” as a euphemism for Herbalife dealer and that will cost you 68 dollars up front  – just to get trained to recruit others. If you want to waste an hour of your time having a spokesperson telling you that you’re an idiot for not buying into their “dietary supplements” then be my guest.  If you don’t believe me, walk in to their shop and just read what it says on their wall “HERBALIFE”. Utterly disappointing.

It’s a job!

Herbalife-CA-Fitclub-Treat-Incomef

… no :: it isn’t … give me 50 bucks and I’ll tell you more.

Makeup to $500 A DAY GETFIT GETHOT MAKEMONEY DOING 24FIT CHALLENGE!

… screamed one of the tiny classified ads I replied to :: which turned out to be emanating from Donte Andry’s “utterly disappointing” Wellness Works.

“First step, we get you in shape, fit, and healthy (all for free)! And then as you’re getting in shape we are training you to become a health and wellness coach where you can make up to $500 per day. No previous experience required. It all starts with you registering for the free 24FIT Challenge bootcamps.”

The bootcamps are held in public spaces. Parks :: schools :: parking lots :: churches … all popular locations to hold sales meetings disguised as calisthenics. Herbalife could pay for its own spaces :: but it’s easier for Michael Johnson to make himself a top paid executive if his company parasitizes public spaces instead.

FitCamps run according to HLF’s rules require participants to sign a waiver :: which makes sense given that most of the people involved here have never had any training on how to help other people {or themselves} exercise safely.

No experience necessary! :: well it’s totally necessary … it’s just not required.

Donte Andry’s minion :: who we’ll call Coach Carl … told me to meet him in the parking lot of the Newport Mesa Church.

“You want to bring a yoga mat, or at least a towel. & if you have it – a jump rope & hand weights would be great.

Right after the bootcamp we’ll head over to the wellness center right down the street, so we can talk more about the coaching & the challenge, if you wish to continue.”

… don’t forget to bring a towel!

Herbalife-Towels

I told Coach Carl I wouldn’t be able to make it to calisthenics … maybe he could call me instead? He called … and in about ten minutes he accidentally answered all my questions. He was a supervisor :: so he’d made a significant investment in order to qualify for commissions … but in two years of trying it sounded like his most notable success had been sucking his own family into the scheme. He said he hoped to do well enough that someday he could open his own club :: and that was something we could all hope for … dot dot dot unicorns.

The idea is to lure people to these “free Fit Camps” for some hot healthy workouts :: followed by a “recovery shake” back at an Herbalife Nutrition Club … where sweaty post-exercisers can be closed into investing in the Herbalife business opportunity. Anyone who makes the investment can start calling themselves “coach” for no reason :: working out of the same club … and recruiting others into this not-a-job job opportunity.

Coach-Herbalife

Coach Carl told me that if I didn’t want to bother with the GETFIT GETHOT exercise :: I could become a “mobile wellness coach” instead. Mobile wellness coaches loiter around in public spaces asking people to participate in “free wellness evaluations.” The evaluations invariably indicate that the participant could benefit from the lifelong consumption of Herbalife’s dramatically overpriced chemical soy isolates. “We’re generating lots of great leads like that …” Coach Carl told me.

Never tell the truth in a job interview.

I politely informed Coach Carl that I was in fact a writer/lawyer/activist and that my interest in pursuing this employment opportunity was exactly as fake as the opportunity itself. Coach Carl denied that he’d ever even heard the name Donte Andry :: had a bit of a mini meltdown … and hung up on me.

I sent a follow up email with a link to the fake robot’s about page :: and the mini meltdown morphed into a full-blown breakdown.

Leave me alone! Last time I’ll ask or I’m reporting you! What I do is not against the state law, federal law or anything criminal. Maybe frowned upon from craigslist policy but not against it. Stop harassing me I have nothing to say to you & you are wasting your time.

… says Coach Carl :: but actually there are laws regarding blatantly deceptive commercial practices {like fake job ads with total bullshit income claims}. On the other hand :: there are no laws against investigating fraud … although the dearth of such investigations might make one think otherwise.

Coach Carl …

LEAVE ME ALONE! MEANS LEAVE ME ALONE! NO MONKEY NEEDS TO GO TO SCHOOL TO LEARN THAT! Get a Life & work toasts Your future! Why bug me? Makes no sense. Don’t throw your life away you know nothing about nothing, in fact, that’s a fact! Lets see if you understand it now… LEAVE ME ALONE

SD …

What kind of relentless investigator would I be if I started taking orders from the people I was investigating?

But I get it. You’ve got nothing to say. Run along then … it’s you pestering me at this point.

Tell Dean and Donte I said hello though.

Coach Carl …

I don’t know who you are talking about or why you just have no life, but I filed & we got you now! Bless your soul if you even respond cuz I am saving everything & building a report on you.

SD …

Put this in your report …

http://saltydroid.info/herbalife-profit-and-loss/

Coach Carl …

It’s not me building the report…
Say hello to my uncle…

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Freeh

you make a joke of a lawyer,
God speed & good luck…

The FBI can have you now succkkaa. Hahahaa good luck foo

But it seems that Uncle Louis and the FBI got confused … and {kindastarted investigating Herbalife instead.

Coach Carl …

There’s no threat saltydick, you are just a hoax, a joke! Nothing real because you’re not even close to half as smart as you presume to be, you are just a fish on a hook in a barrel now. Good luck with nothing. God bless you saltydouche(: the real Jason Jizzhead has a lot more to live for, even ackman knows that! Hahaa what a new low of a life you.

I have no idea what that shit is supposed to mean … but I guess I didn’t get the job.

>> bleep bloop

31 thoughts on “My Herbalife Job Interview”

  1. This post made my day, but it’s too bad about not getting the job. It’s nice to see Coach Carl complimented you on knowing something about everything. The problem’s probably, like a recruiter told my friend, “you have too much knowledge and not enough insecurity.”

    I noticed the GETFIT GETHOT waiver doesn’t list Herbalife anywhere. It just says “the company” over and over. Is it even a legal waiver if it doesn’t specify both parties?

  2. brilliant brilliant. the deeper into herbalife you go, the more fascinating and insane. I’m so thankful for saltydroid. 1000 miles ahead of everything written about the subject.

  3. Please keep doing this repeatedly until you absolutely need rehab for it. Making videos of both experiences will attract enough viewers to make you a millionaire! Think: ‘MLM Rehab with Dr. Drew’,

    I laughed so hard at Coach Carl I think I might need professional help with that.

  4. Sorry about the job, Salty but, I’m sure your friends and family are relieved that you won’t be harassing them to join “Coach Salty’s Fit Camp”, imbibe over-priced junk drinks and get into the Coaching racket themselves.

    Re: “Mobile wellness coaches loiter around in public spaces asking people to participate in free wellness evaluations.”, is it just me or is this one of those “nothing good will come from this” scenarios that eventually ends in stalking charges or a beat-down from the anger issued boyfriend of a woman you hit up with the “lets go to the park” for a “Get Fit” session spiel?.

    Amazing how unpleasant these “Coach Carl” types get when the questions hit too close to home.

    Also amazing how they all fall back on a “What I do is not against the state law, federal law or anything criminal.” type line … even when their wrong. No ethical or moral qualms at all about scamming folks … and they know they are … just their often deluded “it’s not against the law” line.

    Anyway, great post. I’m wondering though, exactly how does a droid do sit-ups?

  5. It sounds like “Coach Carl” needs a “fitness shake.” Or, better, a “legal shake.”

  6. Herbalife is so massively deceptive, it is hard to imagine how the FTC has sat on its hands for so long. Herbalife needs to be shut down, now.

    Take this representative front for example:

    http://www.nutritioncoachnc.com

    The focus appears to be on a “free wellness evaluation.” Well, if you have a credit card, you are probably “well enough” to be recruited as one of their zombies!

    Now take a look at the corresponding Yelp reviews:

    http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-nutrition-coach-costa-mesa

    Yes, a few revealing critical comments get through, but look at the overwhelming number of shill comments.

    Anyone who thinks Herbalife hustlers are just “misguided” souls should closely examine what lengths they go to in order to present a very different facade from what they are really hustling. That clearly reveals their real character.

    Unfortunately, Herbalife zombie recruiters are more common that cockroaches, and Herbalife corporate is enjoying the fruits of this epidemic infestation.

    The FTC needs to drive Dr. Von Helsing’s stake right through Herbalife’s heart.

  7. The Herbalie is alive and well in the valley of the sun.

    Not sure if you are still looking for a job, but this one sounds pretty (il)legit seen at http://www.southmountainnutrition.com in the Herbalife Business Opportunity section:

    Flexible hours either part-time or full-time
    Part-time coaches average $500 to $1,500 per month
    Full-time coaches average $2,000 to $6,000 per month

    The fine print:
    Income applicable to the individuals (or examples) depicted and not average. For average financial performance data, see the Statement of Average Gross Compensation for U.S. Supervisors atwww.herbalife.com and http://www.MyHerbalife.com.

    “…depicted AND not average.” Conjunction junction what’s your function – apparently to obfuscate the facts – I think ARE would be more appropriate – but hey – AND/ARE – close enough. Is this just an innocent grammatical gaffe – doubtful.

    1. That is a fine point about the fine print – and the error or disenguousness may or may not be worse than the big print in the ad at the top of this article…:

      “DEVELOP EXTRA INCOME ARROUD YOUR CURRENT INCOME”

      A Freudian slip – may be they were wanting to say

      DEVELOP EXTRA INCOME????? – ERODE YOUR CURRENT INCOME!!!!!!!

      ….or felt that might be too honest, and not get the punters through the door, but wanted to hint at it anyways.

  8. I am sure Rich Dad Poor Dad will take you on – or you can try ClickBank – I only say this because when I went to this site: http://articles.latimes.com/2014/apr/11/business/la-fi-herbalife-fbi-20140412 there was a Clickbank product being sold – Clickbank is a real secret to success, and a Rich Dad Poor Dad seminar.

    No, wait, I’m sorry, I remember you going to a Rich Dad Poor Dad seminar, and trying to get a job there… and instead of offering you a job, the presenter ran away! Dumb presenter – she does’nt know how good droids can be at this stuff!

    But anyway – Clickbank is worth a try.

  9. This throws me back upon a farily lengthy investigation into old-school Herbalife marketing…

    “Thanks for coming to read my report on “work from home” signs. This article was very popular, so popular that my website bandwidth limits were seriously tested.

    My primary finding was that “work from home” signs, “Have a Computer?” signs, and “Lose 30lbs in 30 days!” are all from ONE company, a multi-level marketing company called Herbalife. The second part of the article explores the odds of succeeding at this business. I published this information on March 28, 2002, and followed it up with an epilogue on July 11, 2002.”

    http://www.cockeyed.com/workfromhome/workfromhome.html

    1. @Jack,

      Yeah, I remember catching that article series soon after Herbalie starting getting mentioned in SD comments (but that was already quite a while after the cockeyed articles were originally put up).

      And thanks for posting that link again because that is also where the other article about Herbalife, the drug pusher was at:
      http://www.cockeyed.com/workfromhome/ephedrine1.html

      Of course they’re not selling anymore and nobody else is either.. or are they?

      It’s hard for me to check all the details right now. But if Herbalife was selling its “Green” ephedra containing products at or around the time of the phen-fen fad, then considering ephedra is an analog of ye olde meth,I have to wonder how much of Herbalife’s success during that period of time was actually attributable to its sale of that product. It would not surprise me if this were the only time in Herbalie’s history when, had they been collecting real sales figure data, they might have been able to show real profit from product sales instead of from recruiting. Because selling addictive drugs is really profitable. {and evil}


      Furry cows moo and decompress.

  10. As Herbalife seems to be not exactly crumbling at the moment, but definitely recoiling and switching from aggressive feed mode to a more defensive posture, I have to wonder what the execs are doing right now. Do they have plans to flee to non-extradition countries? Or maybe they have stuff all worked out already with key powerful individuals to ensure that no matter what happens to Herbalife corp itself, those execs will have no jail time? Or maybe each of the execs knows as little about the other execs plans as we do and so now they’re all staring at each other wondering which one will blink first. (well except for the guy that committed suicide that is)
    ———
    My automagic article notifier thingie seems to have broken. Or maybe it’s just reeealy slow. I had to do the old-fashioned thing and just randomly check for a new article.

    Jason, I hope Ohio is treating you ok. That place certainly has its ups and downs (topological pun intended).


    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  11. My automatic notifier thingy seems to be nonfunctional too, because I just discovered this post today by accident. Usually I get email notifications when there is a new post. Anyway, it’s good to see you blogging again! Coach Carl sounds a lot like Coach (Not-Doc) Lenny and countless other semi-literate scammers.

    If you can’t get anywhere with Herbalife perhaps you can jump on the Youngevity/Livinity/90forLife bandwagon. They are poised to become the next Herbalife, complete with a massive Hispan-o-scam plan. Livinity founders Barb and Dave Pitcock are some of the top folks; they go way back with now-jailed serial scammer Kevin Trudeau. One of Trudeau’s C-list bitches (and another long time KT buddy), Fred van Liew, aka, “The Water Doctor,” just wrote this on Facebook a few hours ago:

    “Taking pre-orders for ‘You can have financial freedom’ DVD by Dave and Barb Pitcock with Pitcock Marketing Group , The 90 for Life business opportunity translated into SPANISH by Uni-vision. I am heavily invested in this project to open the door to the Huge Spanish speaking community throughout the world, as well as the US and Canada. Uni-vision is one of the top studios in the world. Send your request to fred@ewater.com and I’ll send the details. Going to the billion dollar mark!”
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10203726280022613&set=a.1853423140434.2107400.1386456081&type=1

  12. Am I the only one that thought that “Coach Barbie” from the picture doesn’t appear to be qualified to tell anyone anything about “Health or Fitness” as she has a HUGE ass and is in the obese category on the BMI Chart?

    1. Hey, hey, hey, let’s not make derogatory comments about people’s appearances unless they’re narcissistic sociopaths. “Coach Barbie” is probably a victim here, not a predator.

  13. I’ve got a sure fire, no fail, guarandamnteed opportunity for you;

    What is Paintball Marketing???
    Paintball marketing is OPPORTUNITY

    “Opportunity to make good money! Let’s face it, times are tough. There aren’t a lot of jobs out there; especially ones that allow you to work part time, on your own schedule. Throw in the fact that Paintball Marketing allows you to sell the sport you love and this is a no brainer.

    Whether your goal is to make $$$ for YOU… you want to play in that next tournament or get a better Marker or fix your car. OR perhaps you are trying to raise funds for your team’s entry fee or you paintball club. Maybe you simply want to get more people playing paintball. No matter the motivation, Paintball Marketing is the company for you.”

    1. @Paintball Marketing

      Gee, thanks, Paintball. Now mom can have that operation… for the hip she displaced… while playing paintball… or something.

  14. ” You want to bring a yoga mat, or at least a towel. & if you have it – a jump rope & hand weights would be great…..if not, a towel would be good, and maybe a couple of cans of soup for weights, or, hell, I don’t know, maybe a roll of paper towels or a handful of windshield cleaning towels from the gas station on the corner and some of their landscape gravel in your pockets.”

    “But the important thing is, and I cannot stress this enough, is you have to show up to become a millionaire in health and fitness! Bring all of your small bills, and by small I mean anything less than a Salmon P. Chase. Give those to me. They’ll only slow you down on your way to success! Real millionaires don’t deal in small amounts. Time to celebrate your success!”

  15. All this herbalife junk is boring – what happened to the internet marketing syndicate and all those cronies?

        1. Maybe then people like Perry Belcher and Kevin Trudeau will just become Europeans. That way whenever someone reports their crimes they can say, “abracadabra” and all the information about them will disappear from the internet. Just like a magic trick, except without the magic part. I guess it is easier for Europe to erase criminals’ names than to put them in jail. If they had that rule in America, all the “wanted” posters would say, “Name removed at fugitive’s request.” I hope that does not happen, because I always like to know if my neighbors are fugitives.

    1. Check it out. Herbalife concern troll, anybody?

      Personally, I think GlancingWeb’s been doing a fine job so far of picking up the slack in the IM arena.

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