The Devil Predicts

David Schirmer has just released a fantastic new product {fantastic used loosely} :: FatDaddy needs him some money … NOW-ish. The Debts .. They Call. Here are the Promo Tweets {2 of 5 total tweets this week} ::

DevilDave Just uploaded my Stockmarket & Gold reports … my accurate predications will shock many people

DevilDave Just uploaded my Stockmarket & Gold reports … my 2009-10 **predications **will shock many people

I think it will “shock many people” to find out that “predications” is a word … because it certainly doesn’t look like a word. Shocking! I wouldn’t have predicated that.

Let’s have a look at this fine product :: {MIDI Drum Roll}

What Will Happen in the Stock Market in 2009; ARE YOU READY?

The first thing you’ll learn … {apparently} 2009 doesn’t start until June. Another shocker! When will the madness end?

The classic trick of the finance industry is to hint that past performance will be indicative of future performance :: That’s not true … but we’ve all agreed to pretend like it is. Is that DevilDave’s trick? Nope! He’s a bit bolder {/ridiculous} :: He just flat out says that he can **predict the future **::

“How to see into the future and predict the price of gold and stocks … can you afford to not know what’s going to happen this year?”

Yes, You Can! Because uncertainty is the ONLY possibility :: EVERY YEAR :: That’s the perpetual bitch about the future. Ask yourself this question instead :: Can you afford to assume that you know what’s going to happen this year? If you answered in the affirmative :: smack your face against a hard surface and then ask yourself again.

“Imagine for a minute having a crystal ball that could help you accurately predict the price movement in any stock or market.”

Yes … imagine that. And then STOP and say to yourself, “Wait a second … most 9 year old girls don’t believe in crystal balls … maybe I shouldn’t make them a central part of my financial planning.”

“In fact, it is possible to predict through the use of cycles the price movement of any stock or commodity.”

NO … it isn’t. 100% LIE.

“You see the market is not random”

YES … it is. 100% LIE.

“The 2009 Predictions Report is literally information that you can take to the bank! or the shops… or on holiday…”

You can {literally} … but they will laugh at you, and it will be quite embarrassing.

This piece of dank-ass-shit would have cost you $500 :: But luckily a band of wily Pirates slashed the price to a piddling $250.

For comparison :: You can get 1 year of access to Morningstar’s awesome premium website for $174. They don’t do anything as cutting edge as predicting the future with a crystal ball :: But they do have several hundred smart and wonderful employees … working hard {and eating free bagels} … Doing some of the best research and analysis in the business. Their website is very well organized and easy to use :: the free services are amazing :: and their advice for novice investors is wise, prudent, and useful. {Disclosure :: The Droid is a former employee, and still Fanboy, of Morningstar Inc.}

Here’s a FREE tip from The Droid to make this your best ever investing year :: CUT OUT ALL THE FUCKING MIDDLE MEN! They don’t know ANYTHING more than you know. Then :: Win or Lose :: at least you know NONE of your hard earned money went to HACK, PARASITE, D-Bags like David Schirmer.

>> bleep bloop

{If you’ve already paid Schirmer for this BS product and would like help getting a refund … please email The Salty Droid … it would be my pleasure to help you.}