Home » David Miscavige, Scientology

The Teeny Tiny Tyrant

Author == SD 7 March 2010 29 Comments

Three days after The Droid’s first post about the Church of Scientology :: The New York Times ran their own {non-hilarious} expose.  Is this merely a coincidence :: or was the Gray Lady shamed into action by my robotic bravery?  I think we all know the answer.  There are NO coincidences :: only the will of Xenu as manifested through vestiges of men.

Speaking of non-coincidences :: The Droid also happened to be in New York City and rolled past the Manhattan home of the glittery thetans.  I didn’t have time to be audited into clear :: but I thought it was only fair that I give Mr. Miscavige the opportunity to break some of his toes kicking my metal balls.  The super nice girl at the welcome desk said that Mr. Miscavige wasn’t currently available for an interview :: she seemed to think it was a stupid question :: bitch! Don’t judge me!!

No matter :: we’ll just go with a real picture :: and a fake interview.

>>

Salty Droid: Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice.

David Miscavige:  I’m not an important person … more of a poser really …  so it’s no problem.

SD: I’m so sorry :: I shouldn’t have said “short” notice :: that must be a sensitive issue for you.

DM: Well you know … I don’t like to talk about it unless I’m connected to an e-meter … but it’s hard being a dwarf.

SD:  I’ll bet.  Is there any chance you could still have a growth spurt?  Maybe you’re just a late bloomer.

DM:  Xenu willing!  I’d love to be tall enough to play point guard for a girls High School basketball team.

SD:  Indeed :: and you could finish getting your High School diploma while you were at it. It’s never too late for education!

DM:  That’s a god damn lie!

SD:  Is it Tiny Tim?

DM:  No … it isn’t.  I dropped out after the 10th grade.  You know that book The Outsiders?  It was just so fucking confusing … I couldn’t handle it.

SD:  I feel for you little one.  Because there is that character in the book called Sodapop :: but he’s not actually a beverage.

DM:  Exactly!  Finally someone who understands.  I mean … either you are a drink or you’re not.  You know?

SD:  Right :: right.  Many people compare your ascension to the top of CO$ to Stalin’s power grab after the death of Lenin :: do you feel like that is a fair characterization?

DM:  The who? What?  You are one confusing bastard of a robot.

SD:  You know :: because Lenin was the idea man.  And Stalin was kind of just a massive twat that no one ever liked.   He grabbed power by being the biggest douche :: and then he held on to it the same way.  Do you think that’s a fair comparison?

DM:  That’s a god damn lie!

SD:  Uh :: it’s more of a theoretical question.

DM:  Questions can be lies … especially theatrical ones.

SD:  Theoretical …

DM:  Don’t call me that!

SD:  Okay :: let’s just move on.  Maybe we can come back to that one after you finish High School.

DM:  How about I punch you in the throat?

SD:  Yeah :: okay :: let’s talk about that.  Is it true that you are physically abusive toward members of your “church?”

DM:  That’s a god damn lie!

SD:  I don’t think so fuck-o.  It’s a consistent story told by many former top members of Sea Org. They tell of you choking :: kicking :: slapping :: and punching members of your staff. It’s pretty ridiculous really.

DM:  WHAT!  Who said that?

SD:  People like Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder who have been life long Scientologists :: and reached the highest levels of the organization.

DM:  Those fucking scoundrels :: I’ll have them over-boarded and locked in a god damn cage.  I’ll sell their kidneys on the black market!  I’ll poke their nipples with a hot fork!

SD:  See :: that’s just the sort of the thing you aren’t supposed to be doing.  You can’t just assault people :: it’s a crime.  The police could drag your sorry ass to jail for it.

DM:  No they couldn’t.

SD:  Yep!  They could.

DM:  Well I’d never poke someone’s nipples with a hot fork. That’s nothing but a god damn lie.  Whoever told you that is full of shit.

SD:  You told me that you empty headed dwarf :: just now.

DM: Xenu demands justice!

{Miscavige grabs himself by the hair :: a big chunk comes out ::  it sticks to his hand because it’s been soaked in Aquanet Extra Hold.  He uses his now hairy hands to choke himself while beating his head against a nearby filing cabinet.  Eventually he collapses in a tiny heap of raging dwarf.}

>> bleep bloop

-------------

More fabulously hilarious writing ::

  1. The Teeny Tiny Turtle Tyrant Turtles are like the only cute reptile … but...

:: read one now before you die of stupid.

29 Comments »

  • Missed Cabbage said:

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    stoic Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Another nasty little shit with a Napolean complex. Hurray for the brave people who walk away and will not be silenced.

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    # 7 March 2010 at 6:59 pm
  • Space Ace said:

    Meet David Miscavige…and welcome to planet Scientology:

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    Operative words from that video... Reply:
    March 7th, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    “overworked and underpaid”

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    anonymous Reply:
    March 7th, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    LOL oh so predictable. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. Is there anything else any of these people are actually good at? Oh yes, that right conning people into believing they are who they are not.

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    Hippo Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Hey, he’s not called “Slappy” Miscavige for nothing.

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    stoic Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Making recruitment vids that give you the same emotional lift that John Wayne did as he saved the Old West? They’re getting pretty slick at that…otherwise, what at they good at? Not so much.

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    # 7 March 2010 at 7:06 pm
  • rwr said:

    SD:

    I’ve walked past that building many times. To put it politely, I never had the, um, desire to go in, but I’m really glad you did!

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    # 8 March 2010 at 2:08 am
  • Yakaru said:

    I know someone whose husband became a scientologist. They tried for a couple of years to convert her, and when it was clear they would fail, they forced him to leave her.

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    anon Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:59 am

    Well this is what some in the secret movie talk about also…

    Your friends and family may not understand you any more, you may have to separate from them, your belief systems will be polar opposites, and on and on they go making people believe that they are far superior than all the “unbelievers”.

    If ever there was a shameful example of success its that.

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    from the book of eben Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Paraphrase:

    “When you change – the ways they (friends etc) use to manipulate you stop working … and they don’t like that” – Eben, On why you changing and moving away from friends and family is a ‘part of the process of change’

    Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not. But it’s hard to deny that this thinking seems to come from the playbook of ‘separate from those who love you’.

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    # 8 March 2010 at 3:29 am
  • Dave said:

    Hilarious! So was the dwarf taller than the Droid? Just wondering.

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    # 8 March 2010 at 7:28 am
  • Rafael Marquez said:

    “A tiny heap of raging dwarf” that is funny

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    # 8 March 2010 at 9:06 am
  • Yakaru said:

    two news stories –
    From Australia:
    http://www.watoday.com.au/breaking-news-national/more-scientology-accusations-exposed-20100308-pstj.html

    From Germany:
    http://www.thelocal.de/society/20100308-25733.html

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    Hippo Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    To Yakaru:

    Thank you for those links. I am glad the German station is going to air that anti-CO$ movie–I wonder what the response will be?

    I wish they’d make something like that here in the US.

    So many people still think it’s a wacky, but harmless, religion.

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    SD Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Forced abortions :: child labor :: and assault. Wow! I really had no idea it was so bad. It’s pathetic that it’s been allowed to go on for so long.

    This seems like something the religious right in America could get all hot an bothered about. Come on! Forced abortions? It’s like the mother load {pun}. Do something useful for a change. If they put their wight behind it … and starting showing up outside of Scientology compounds with their chants and pictures of dead fetuses … Scientology would lose its exempt status by the end of the year.

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    stoic Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Do you seriously think that you have readers from the religious right, Mr Salty?
    Its not a bad idea but would require a new attack blog with a slighty different tone, Westboro Widget?

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    SD Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    @Stoic ::

    Yeah I doubt I have any readers from the nut-job religious right. But :: surprisingly enough :: actual sincere Christians seem to have an easy time looking past all of my surface shenanigans to see the deeper message.

    In spite of all the posers and hypocrite ass hats who misrepresent the faith :: sticking up for the poor :: the abused :: and the exploited … is very much WWJD.

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    Jeremy Reply:
    April 21st, 2010 at 11:42 am

    @SD, amen dude. I’m a sincere Christian and happen to love this site!

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    Hippo Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Mr. Salty:

    It’s even worse than you think. Try reading an excerpt from Marc Headley’s book, “Blown For Good.” He describes David Miscavige playing a sadistic game of musical chairs with a group of terrified Sea Org people–it’s absolutely unbelievable.

    I think you can find the story at Operation Clambake.

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    Hans Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    I saw or read something about that marathon musical chair session. According to what was said, Miscaviage chose to play Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

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    # 8 March 2010 at 11:26 am
  • _cartman_ said:

    Scientology made easy…meet Tom Cruise, Travolta, Nicole Kidman, R. Kelly….and learn the most highly guarded secrets of Scientology (without spending $500,000 and “clearing” to a level of OT VIII to learn the secrets)…

    Url valid only in the USA….

    http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103804/

    Url valid only in Canada….

    http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/south-park/matt–treys-favourites-/south-park-912-trapped-in-the-closet/

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    Rafael Marquez Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    I love that episode

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    # 8 March 2010 at 11:34 am
  • Carl said:

    Mike Rinder is a former chief spokesman of the Church of Scientology:

    “In March 2007, Rinder was sent to defend Scientology from John Sweeney, who was filming a BBC documentary titled Scientology and Me. Rinder defended Scientology leader David Miscavige, but Miscavige was unhappy with the documentary. As a result, Rinder “was to report to the church’s facility in Sussex, England, and dig ditches” and then was allowed to return to the United States. Rinder decided to ride the subway to East Grinstead, in Sussex, touring one of his favorite cities and then decided to leave the church. Rinder went to Virginia and told the church he wanted to talk to his wife and also wanted his possessions. He did not talk to his wife, but was sent a FedEx package with a check for $5,000, but his family photos were not sent. Rinder and his wife Cathy of 35 years divorced, and he has no contact with his two adult children. Rinder’s official biography has since been removed from the official Church of Scientology website.”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Rinder

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    Ron Reply:
    March 8th, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Rinder “was to report to the church’s facility in Sussex, England, and dig ditches”

    Wow. Do not displease the master!

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    # 8 March 2010 at 2:13 pm
  • Jean D said:

    Hey Salty Droid, Extra,extra This made Google front page today! Another coincidence? Hmmm
    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/07/us/07scientology.html

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    SD Reply:
    March 10th, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    @JeanD

    Google must also fear my awesome power!

    Except when they are banning me from YouTube …

    http://saltydroid.info/youtube-dmca-eviction/

    … and deleting my hilarious SideWiki’s without notice …

    http://saltydroid.info/sidewiki-saltydroid-hello-world/

    [Reply]

    # 10 March 2010 at 10:43 am
  • anon said:

    And sometimes little dicks come in big fat packages…..

    YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

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    # 17 March 2010 at 10:42 pm
  • mirele said:

    Anderson Cooper 360 is doing a series on Scientology’s diminutive dictator starting next Monday, March 29. It’s called “Scientology: A History of Violence.”

    http://www.newsonnews.net/cnn/2282-cnn-s-anderson-cooper-360-explores-the-church-of-scientology-s-leadership.html

    Scuttlebutt has it this is going to be GOOD.

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    # 23 March 2010 at 4:16 pm

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