Guiding Light

It’s best not to have Great Expectations :: as they only lead to great disappointments. The moment you start believing that you are going to end up with the pretty girl :: Miss Havisham will intrude and bollix all of your fondest hopes. Wouldn’t it be better to fly by the seat of your “I eat too many processed foods” pants?

James Arthur Ray “thinks” so :: which is why the Spiritual Warrior Participant Guide :: sent out in July of 2009 :: contains almost no useful information about what to expect from the event. As Death Ray explains …

“Keep in mind that we will be working diligently to make this event memorable. For this reason, it is important that we do not disclose any further information regarding the event schedule or planned activities. However, we will tell you that it is going to be an exciting, unforgettable, and transformational week!”

Things can’t be memorable if they are expected. Of course :: surprise and confusion are important for keeping people vulnerable and mentally unbalanced :: making them far easier to manipulate :: and greatly increasing their tendency to follow the group. But that’s cynical … I’m sure it’s just about keeping things “memorable.”

The unforgettable transformational memorableness could be dampened by giving participants some idea of what they should expect …

Keep in mind that previous iterations of this event led to dreadful calamity and serious injury. Broken bones, broken bank accounts, brain damage, and long term health problems are all previously encountered outcomes. It is also important to note that nothing new will be learned, and that your guru for this event has not been trained in ANYTHING … EVER. He’s just a douche bag salesman with his own serious mental health issues. However, we will tell you that some people are going to die during this event … and it just doesn’t get any more transformational than that!

Sounds lame :: count me out.

In addition to the fucking ridiculous $10,000 that participants had already paid for this event :: the guide explains how they must register and pay a tidy $267 per night for accommodations at Angel Valley {six nights = $1602}. Guests are invited to stay a few extra nights at the “special discounted rate” {otherwise known as the regular rate?} of $155 per night. Don’t want to pay for the price gouged lodging? That’s cool :: what with JRI’s no refund policy … you can just eat the $10k you’ve already forked over … and go fuck yourself.

Speaking of Miss Havisham :: the Spiritual Warrior Guide also mentions another crotchety old lady :: Bill Harris …

“An integral element of the program will rely upon group use of Holosync technology. If you would like to learn more about this technology, please visit the Centerpointe Research Institute website at www.centerpointe.com. If you have not yet invested in this technology, you will need to do so prior to Spiritual Warrior.” {emphasis original}

Notice that NewlyWed Scammers Harris and Ray bastardize the words “technology” and “investment” in a similar manner to the Scamming MotherShip of Scientology. Harris’ ridiculous $2,000 CD’s are “technology” in the same way that the Centerpointe Research Institute does “research” or has an “institute.” One wonders how big a percentage Ray was getting from participant’s “investment” into Harris’ stinking turds. The Droid attempted to contact Harris about this matter via mental telepathy :: but it turns out telepathy :: like Holosync :: is bullshit.

Other required items on the checklist …

• bag of chewing tobacco
• 3 x 3 square of fabric
• 20 baby wipes
• power objects (i.e. objects that hold special meaning for you)
• six feet of string (preferably red, but color not critical)

Items that should have been on the checklist but weren’t …

• Automatic External Defibrillator
• Duct tape {to cover Death Ray’s mouth}
• 40 baby wipes {because 20 just isn’t enough}
• Jaws of life {to remove Megan’s head from Death Ray’s ass}
• A priest :: a rabbi :: and a lawyer {to tell you to get the hell out of there and take you to a bar}

>> bleep bloop