Meeting Doctor Wrong
11 Jun 2009 :: by sd :: Comments
A reader writes and says, “Droid, how do you find such satisfying long term relationships?” Excellent question made-up person, I use a five step process that you can apply to your own pretend life ::
There you go … done and done! Apply that to your pathetic life for about a decade … if you’re happy with the results … send me a hyperinflation adjusted check for $5,000.
The story of my not-love affair with Not-Doctor Kilstein begins {as so many good things do} with the licking of Perry Belcher’s fat ass ::
Not-DoctorK :: “@PerryBelcher You liar. You work your ass off and we both know it!”
EvilJowls :: “@drkilstein HA! @mattbacaks new book is the 4 hour sleep week! Mine too I think HA” {incestuous reference to Matt BallSack Bacak}
Perry and I are already a happy couple. We like to take long walks in the park … and share drags off the same cigarette. Also, I like to tell every fucking person he speaks to that he’s a Con, Felon, and Bastard {he loves it!}. Standard protocol is to scan the persons profile and attempt to personalize the warning in some adorable way :: Examples from yesterday {1} {2} {3}.
However, I didn’t need to scan Not-Doctor Kilstein’s profile. HE FOLLOWED ME on February 16th :: I followed back :: And he sent me this heart warming auto-DM ::
“Thanks for following. Let me know a little about you & how I can help u grow!”
I didn’t take him up on that “offer” … but he’s been vomiting stupid into my Tweet stream ever since. By the time the Universe calls on me to speak to him :: I already know his dealio … Ready, Set, Go ::
He intends the “Congrats” to be sarcastic :: But I prefer to take it literally. I know exactly how to piss off D-Bags :: It’s a fucking skill … a useless skill maybe … but still a skill. It also serves as a reminder that I have NO competition in my niche :: And it means that his flamingly disingenuous tweets will no longer be polluting my processors. Horah! If I had lips, they’d be a smilin’ …
That would have been The End for myself and the Not-Doctor. I hate him and everything … but he’s just not my type. I’m aiming for a specific kind of target :: And Kilstein ain’t it. He’s too sad, desperate, and pathetic looking. He has ZERO alpha-male charisma. His chances at cult-of-personality are approximately ZILCH. He will likely FAIL without my help.
But the Mistress Fate has other plans. A new friend, cheerleader, and fellow web soldier sends me this email ::
“Kilstein is a real “man of many, uh, talents” including… internet marketer–rabbi–copywriter–hypnotist–yoga dude, and…get this…FINGER HEALER.
Yeah, FINGER HEALER! (Oh you could have great fun with that one…)
This site is classic…check out the weird-ass finger pics:”
Sold! Maybe Kilstein isn’t exactly in my wheelhouse … but I can’t possibly resist Finger Healing for fuck sake :: It’s one of the stupidest things I’ve EVER seen. Just the one post and then I’ll quit … I swear …
But research begets research :: And Not-Doctor Kilstein was discovered heaping sick vitriol on the victims of sexual abuse {link}. Oh, now you’re in my wheelhouse mother fucker … NOW YOU ARE IN MY WHEELHOUSE!!!
DeadBeat Poetry
Twas the bitch serendipity,
Kindly crafting from chaos,
The link tween my lasers
And Not-Doctor Stupidity.
>> bleep bloop
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