Home » Harlan Kilstein, Twitter

Meeting Doctor Wrong

Author == 11 June 2009 9 Comments

A reader writes and says, “Droid, how do you find such satisfying long term relationships?”  Excellent question made-up person, I use a five step process that you can apply to your own pretend life ::

1.  just wait and see what happens
2.  ….
3.  …
4.  ..
5.  .

There you go … done and done!  Apply that to your pathetic life for about a decade … if you’re happy with the results … send me a hyperinflation adjusted check for $5,000.

rabid kilstein

The story of my not-love affair with Not-Doctor Kilstein begins {as so many good things do} with the licking of Perry Belcher’s fat ass ::

Not-DoctorK :: “@PerryBelcher You liar. You work your ass off and we both know it!”

EvilJowls ::  “@drkilstein HA! @mattbacaks new book is the 4 hour sleep week! Mine too I think HA” {incestuous reference to Matt BallSack Bacak}

Perry and I are already a happy couple.  We like to take long walks in the park … and share drags off the same cigarette.  Also, I like to tell every fucking person he speaks to that he’s a Con, Felon, and Bastard {he loves it!}.  Standard protocol is to scan the persons profile and attempt to personalize the warning in some adorable way :: Examples from yesterday {1} {2} {3}.

However, I didn’t need to scan Not-Doctor Kilstein’s profile.  HE FOLLOWED ME on February 16th :: I followed back :: And he sent me this heart warming auto-DM ::

“Thanks for following. Let me know a little about you & how I can help u grow!”

I didn’t take him up on that “offer” … but he’s been vomiting stupid into my Tweet stream ever since.  By the time the Universe calls on me to speak to him :: I already know his dealio … Ready, Set, Go ::

Speed Dating Kilstein

He intends the “Congrats” to be sarcastic :: But I prefer to take it literally. I know exactly how to piss off D-Bags :: It’s a fucking skill … a useless skill maybe … but still a skill.  It also serves as a reminder that I have NO competition in my niche :: And it means that his flamingly disingenuous tweets will no longer be polluting my processors.  Horah!  If I had lips, they’d be a smilin’ …

That would have been The End for myself and the Not-Doctor.  I hate him and everything … but he’s just not my type.  I’m aiming for a specific kind of target :: And Kilstein ain’t it.  He’s too sad, desperate, and pathetic looking.  He has ZERO alpha-male charisma.  His chances at cult-of-personality are approximately ZILCH.  He will likely FAIL without my help.

But the Mistress Fate has other plans. A new friend, cheerleader, and fellow web soldier sends me this email ::

“Kilstein is a real “man of many, uh, talents” including… internet marketer–rabbi–copywriter–hypnotist–yoga dude, and…get this…FINGER HEALER.

Yeah, FINGER HEALER! (Oh you could have great fun with that one…)

This site is classic…check out the weird-ass finger pics:”

Sold! Maybe Kilstein isn’t exactly in my wheelhouse … but I can’t possibly resist Finger Healing for fuck sake :: It’s one of the stupidest things I’ve EVER seen.  Just the one post and then I’ll quit … I swear …

But research begets research :: And Not-Doctor Kilstein was discovered heaping sick vitriol on the victims of sexual abuse {link}.  Oh, now you’re in my wheelhouse mother fucker … NOW YOU ARE IN MY WHEELHOUSE!!!

DeadBeat Poetry

Twas the bitch serendipity,
Kindly crafting from chaos,
The link tween my lasers
And Not-Doctor Stupidity.

>> bleep bloop


-------------

More fabulously hilarious writing ::

  1. Not-Doctor Kilstein :: Horrible Person The Droid started writing about Not-Doctor Kilstein just a...
  2. Doctor Defamation Each time The Droid starts firing the Shame Cannons...
  3. Attack of the Kilstein Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein :: Jedi Douche Ninja King of...
  4. Sex, Lies, and Google Video Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein :: In his virtuoso performance as...
  5. Harlan Kilstein – Archive of Perversion Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein has destroyed whatever slim chance he...

:: read one now before you die of stupid.

9 Comments »

  • Earl of Sudsington said:

    Thanks for informing us more about this character Harlan Kilstein. That was the most authentic photograph of him I’ve ever seen. Too bad you didn’t have time to modify it in some way. Maybe next time. Keep up the good work, Salty!

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    [Reply]

    # 11 June 2009 at 4:18 pm
  • froylein said:

    Hi Droid,

    Thanks for dropping by at Jewlicious. I’m always happy to see a commenter that does not pretend to see the emperor’s clothes.

    Cheers,
    Froylein

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    [Reply]

    # 11 June 2009 at 10:13 pm
  • sd (author) said:

    Froylein!!

    Thank YOU for putting up the good fight. I thought some of your comments were EPIC … I’ll be around again.

    btw :: I completely adore Chagall … we have a couple in the Chicago Museum that blow me away every time … so apparently along with being tough and smart … you also have fine taste. This concludes my pandering.

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    [Reply]

    # 11 June 2009 at 10:30 pm
  • froylein said:

    Looking forward. :)

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    [Reply]

    # 11 June 2009 at 10:54 pm
  • John Ryan Recabar said:

    this is so true. i’ve encountered several of these giving the same kind of advices all the time.

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    [Reply]

    # 12 June 2009 at 12:44 am
  • BIG salty fan said:

    Salty, you are one stellar droid… and not forgetting that you’re actually a human being… whoever you are… you rock my socks off!

    I have been in the marketing world for a long time, working “behind the IM curtain” so to speak and myself and a small group actually met one of the “gurus”… I will not name and shame right now as not on here for a bitching session, but more to say that we, collectively, got f***ed over by said guru BIG time!

    I actually adore the fact that you personally take the time out to articulate the posts that you do… not just a “random bitch off”… you take the time to give it some real “welly”.

    I hope that ALL the “IM burned” crowd stumble across you, as your one top dude!

    Keep up the GREAT work my aluminium ally =0>

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    [Reply]

    # 12 June 2009 at 10:09 am
  • froylein said:

    Now I’m the Droid’s fan on Facebook. :)

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    [Reply]

    Wyrd Reply:
    July 7th, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    @froylein,
    Cool. Whatever happened to you anyway? I see you in these old posts but not the new.

    –
    Furry cows moo and decompress.

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    [Reply]

    # 14 June 2009 at 2:42 am
  • » Super Schlub said:

    [...] But in a world where ‘cross-promotion’ is King and Queen :: Pissing where you eat in such a fashion is ill advised.  Harlan has been more about ass kissing lately … trying to work his fat thighs into the inner circle of fake guru’s.  In fact we met while he was ass kissing another dear friend of mine {memories}. [...]

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    # 26 October 2009 at 6:12 am

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