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Tea Party :: Fox :: and Hyperbole and a Half

Author == SD 10 August 2010 14 Comments

You know what I like?

No … you don’t!

It’s a rhetorical question :: so don’t bother answering you arrogant fucking prick. This blog ain’t about you :: and me :: and Polly PrissyPants sitting down for a lovely cup o’ tea {distinctive Earl Gray!} and having girl chat about our favorite things.

You :: “Didn’t you just love blah blah blah’s collection of summer dresses?”

FakeMe :: “Oh it was absolutely fabulous! The vibrant colors and rich textures really brought the whole thing to life for me. I hope we can expect the same level of originality and artistry from the September collection.”

OMG I hate you … and FakeMe … let’s never speak again.

However :: I do like some things … like tea parties with Polly PrissyPants when you’re not around to spoil the conversation …

How quaint :: a Tea Party that’s not all about backward ass racism. Leave it to Eric Cartman … demagogue of racially sensitive speech.

Also :: I like foxes! By which I don’t mean good looking ladies not quite old enough to be cougars. No! Actual fucking foxes :: triangular ears … bushy tails … puffy puffy faces!  OMG too cute {overloading}!

… which is why someone needed to stop Fuck You, Penguin in the worst way.  Listen to this deplorable anti-fox hate speech regarding the above king of cute …

“I just want you people to drink in this world-class douchebag known as the Tibetan Fox. Have you ever seen such a holier-than-thou fucking look on a non-dolphin before? I’m not one for slapping foxes, as I generally think they know what they’ve done, but this one really has that look, like the asshole boyfriend of the girl the main guy wants in an 80s movie.”

Intolerable! Fortunately for the dignity of the world’s most adorable creatures … Fuck You, Penguin was driven off the Internet in late 2009. The official story :: told here for the first time :: is that he was frightened into silence by a shit talking robot sworn to protect the sanctity of puffy animals. But unreliable innuendo blames the vanishing act on a book deal. Whatever! :: books are for assholes and gays … because gays read a lot of books … that’s a stereotype I just started. Fucking gays and their fucking books … they should go back to their own country where mint juleps are served at the library.

And also this …

… if you don’t think that’s funny :: you’re dead to me. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Hyperbole and a Half is the Muhammad of Internet comedy. Or would it? Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about Muhammad … but it’s too late now … I can’t think of any way to take it back.

Hyperbole and a Half is like a comic strip / blog / crazy person’s memoir … and it’s super terrific. Go read all of her posts and attribute the fond feelings it generates in your soft shell of a heart back to me {I desire and deserve them}.

And watch out for dramatic cats …

… a great reason to own a retarded dog.

{end positivity sequence}

Good times … good times. Remember when we talked about things I like? Precious fucking moments. We bonded … I feel like … maybe some time later we can go horseback riding together or something. I’ll call you.

Now back to our regular programing :: things I definitely don’t like.

I don’t like how an illegal cartel is the dominating force in Internet Marketing. I don’t like how it destroys people. I don’t like how it destroys the already slim chances that honest business people have at success. I don’t like how it creates an unstoppable race to the morality bottom. I think it’s time to start talking openly about it …

{suspenseful accent sound!}

… I think it’s time to start doing something about it.

{dramatic accent sound!}

See you on Thursday bitches!

>> bleep bleep bleep {oh snap! … three fucking bleeps! … it must be on now!}

-------------

More fabulously hilarious writing ::

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:: read one now before you die of stupid.

14 Comments »

  • spoonfaceboy said:

    Great phrase –

    … an unstoppable race to the morality bottom

    I hear if you ride your bike down there you can see the two Hilton’s, Paris and Perez, taking turns giving each other thong wedgies.

    Thumb up Thumb down +4

    [Reply]

    # 10 August 2010 at 11:01 pm
  • Unicorn Army said:

    About f—ing time. Or, I guess it will be on Thursday.

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

    [Reply]

    SD Reply:
    August 11th, 2010 at 1:02 am

    One rarely regrets a display of patience :: except for at the Battle of Anzio :: of course.

    Give yourself a pat on the back if you catch that reference … you must read lots of books … like the gays. Impressive!

    But even if you didn’t catch it … give yourself a pat on the ass for looking it up …

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Shingle

    … nice hustle.

    [Reply]

    Carlon Reply:
    August 11th, 2010 at 5:08 am

    @SD,

    The reference is easy to catch if you listen to the right kind of music.

    Haven’t you ever heard:

    And the Generals gave thanks
    As the other ranks held back
    The enemy tanks for a while.
    And the Anzio bridgehead
    Was held for the price
    Of a few hundred ordinary lives.

    Catch that reference? A pat on the back if you have.

    Thumb up Thumb down +4

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 12:02 am
  • Not Ed Dale said:

    Whose that 3rd from the left? Is it old tubby himself, Ed Dale?

    If it is then may I suggest that everyone does a Google search for “the hottest man in the universe” and see what happens. Ed Dale has used his network of challenges and all that other crap to game google into getting him on page one. He even has a photo of his smug looking face that I dare you not to fall about laughing at!

    http://www.eddale.co/general/the-hottest-man-in-the-universe

    As usual his army of fans line up to tell him how fantastic he is and how he owns google and how they want to learn from him. Odd how he manages to get all those positive comments when his comments are closed, isn’t it?

    Thumb up Thumb down +5

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 5:44 am
  • Nikki said:

    Oooooh!

    (Talks to self) Patience my pretty, patience.

    Though I have to wonder why you didn’t include Clyde Frog in the tea party earlier? I would like to drink tea with Clyde Frog *because he’s cool*

    Thumb up Thumb down +2

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 9:08 am
  • Hippo said:

    Is that Barney the Dinosaur’s slutty older sister?

    I find myself wondering how she applies her makeup and nail polish with those underdeveloped, mal-formed arms.

    Thumb up Thumb down +2

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 10:08 am
  • Bo said:

    That T-Rex reminded me of the Joe Rogan scetch – sort of fits with this post too…

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 2:04 pm
  • Ryan Healy said:

    Who’s the guy far left? He’s the only one I don’t recognize.

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    [Reply]

    Marc Reply:
    August 11th, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    @Ryan Healy, Uncle Trey, otherwise known as Kenny Powers.

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 2:38 pm
  • Feather Boa-Constricter said:

    How anyone could take business advice from men in flip flops is beyond me. The fact that they don’t have real shoes should be a sign, folks, and not one that says, “Even my toes, like my wealth, can’t be held back by the trappings of society!”. Just. Stop.

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

    [Reply]

    Marc Reply:
    August 11th, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    @Feather Boa-Constricter, I can see your point. But what do flip flops have to do with what’s inside your head? I’m confused. I’m sure even Donald Trump goes on vacation once every 15 years.

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    [Reply]

    # 11 August 2010 at 6:13 pm
  • Vic said:

    Did anyone else notice, in the pic above, how Kern is perched high up on his pedestal and how everyone else has to look up “to” him?

    Time to knock a few people off their pedestals, eh?

    –Vic

    P.S. Now look to the very far top left and see who’s looking down on FK & Company.

    P.P.S. Hmmm, FK… interesting initials for someone’s name dontcha think? Just add a UC in the middle and you’ll pretty much know what he’ll do to you if you drink the guru kool-aid.

    Thumb up Thumb down +2

    [Reply]

    LOL Reply:
    August 26th, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    @Vic, Kern’s posturing is so obvious it looks absurd. He might as well be sitting on the top of a step ladder. So natural, so authoritarian, not! What is that he’s even sitting on? It looks like he took a stool and put that ON TOP of a table. Come on. It’s funny to see all those other goobers having to look up at him though!

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

    [Reply]

    # 26 August 2010 at 9:31 am

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