The Trillion Dollar Trial of the Millennium


It’s finally happened :: I’ve been sued.

Was it …

Nope :: it was Eliot Bernstein … who’s totally going to get a nickname as soon as I figure out who the fuck he is.

I mean here he is giving a “Presidential Campaign Speech” without his top or bottom teeth …

… so we have that :: but I’m not sure if it really clears anything up {or maybe it clears everything up?}.

Unfortunately for me :: it’s serious … trillions online on the line.

Defendant Eliot Bernstein is the founder of the iViewit Technology Company and one of the iViewit Technology Inventors. The Co-Conspirators in this complaint stand to lose Trillions of Dollars in the iViewit Technology Case and many face prison time.

Bernstein’s got himself a top lawyer to handle the case too :: gal goes by the name of Cox … Crystal L. Cox.

Cox is an Investigative Blogger :: Online Reputation Manager :: Pro se litigator :: Reverend Wiccan Pagan Priestess … and some other made-up shit too no doubt. Here take one of her cards …

Cox lost a lawsuit that seemed to have implications for free speech :: but turned out to be about cyber-extortion instead. 1st Amendment lawyer Marc Randazza was going to help out with the case :: but then he didn’t. Reverend Crystal L. Cox :: in Love and Light … purchased a swarm of websites in the name of Randazza and his wife and daughter … and then preceded to trash the three of them ridiculously.

It was a step or two {thousand} too far :: and Randazza took Cox before the World Intellectual Property Organization {where he won a decision on the domain names} … and to federal court. Many of the domain names had been transfered to Eliot Bernstein :: so Bernstein was named in the complaint. Cox and Bernstein counter sued …

… among many others :: claiming a trillion dollar conspiracy to cover up the misuse of Bernstein’s patents on his alleged Iviewit technology.

The decade old Iviewit patent describes itself as …

A method of providing a digital image file for viewing in a viewing window of a user display, the viewing window having a predetermined size. The method includes providing a digital image having an image size comprising a fixed number of pixels representative of an image, the image size being greater than the predetermined viewing window size.

… fucking trillions!

My part in the conspiracy was asking Reverend Crystal Cox to fuck off before she further damaged the free speech rights of other bloggers :: which is why I’ve only been sued for ten million instead of the full trillions.

I guess :: I think … maybe.

But I could be wrong :: because it’s all very stupid :: and I don’t speak fluent stupid … you best try and read it for yourself {warning :: may cause dizzyness and/or temporary insanity}.

Recently Bernstein emailed me some of his ravings {because I guess now that he’s fake sued me we’re like BFFs or something} :: subject line …

“IVIEWIT BREAKING NEWS!!! “Judges Were Illegally Wiretapped, Says Insider ” & “Governor Andrew Cuomo Asked to Shut Down Judicial ‘Ethics’ Office.” Is it all related to Eliot Bernstein’s 12 TRILLION DOLLAR RICO?”

Give or take a TRILLION.

Eliot and I had a short conversation :: which started with me saying …

Why are you emailing me freak?

… and ended {the first time} with him saying …

So in parting, which is sweet sorrow, your IQ deficiency will not be missed. Best in all your endeavors and I will be at your side, as guide, when your soul goes to that black hole and my voice shall be the last thing your spirit hears and it will not be comforting.

Obviously not something a freak would say or anything … just some normal stuff.

Now go back to reading my RICO and know that in the end (coming soon) it will be a clean sweep of all conspirators assets, personally and professionally, nice to own you. Now shoo, be gone.

For seriously :: I’d rather get sucked into that black hole with soul-whisperer Bernstein … than read that Cox-gibberish “RICO” complaint again.

So I guess I haven’t been sued :: I’ve just been kinda … drooled on while riding the bus.


Crystal L. Cox :: never nOt disappointing.

But this whole “conspiring with Marc Randazza” idea is pretty fucking great. Randazza blew a bankruptcy size hole into the evil plans of copyright trolling firm Righthaven :: stuck it to Glenn Beck :: represented the Steubenville rape case blogger

… all kinds of cool shit like that. But he’d never heard of me {or this site’s free speech problems} :: prolly because I can’t manage to get fucking sued.

A bunch of you dipshits like to talk cliché cat crap about lawyers. But if you aim to accomplish something big :: then you’re a nothing :: and a nobody … until you matter to a lawyer that matters. Big stuff requires big lawyers :: them’s the facts. It’s an extra complicated problem for a web activist :: because most lawyers understand the Internet about as well as a sedated senior citizen.

Some things are changing around here. Check out the new {more straightforward} about page :: here’s the best part …

The Salty Droid is defended by the Randazza Legal Group


Reverend Cox :: I can’t thank you enough for inadvertently making this introduction … but I’m not so sure that the rest of Scamworld is going to feel the same.

>> bleep bloop

60 thoughts on “The Trillion Dollar Trial of the Millennium”

  1. Let me be one of the first to congratulate you on these latest developments, @SD. I like the fact that you have strong legal representation — and I like your new “About” page. (By the way, did you ever collect that $600 reward from the infamous German not-doctor who was offering it to the first person who could tell him your true identity?)

    1. @Cosmic Connie ::

      Nope :: but I would be willing to accept him jumping out in front of bus in lieu of payment … quite fair of me I think.

  2. Can I be the first to fake applaud Bernstein on wearing the worst t-shirt in the history of mankind.

  3. this had me shooting coffee out my nose, thank Salty!
    {because I guess now that he’s fake sued me we’re like BFFs or something}

  4. If I hadn’t been reading this site for so long I would be convinced this is some really involved, early April Fools prank.

    I risked my sanity, or at least my dinner, and looked at the 65 pages of nonsense. Ok, I looked at about 4 pages, but I’m sure I didn’t miss anything.

    First, an attorney who uses a Yahoo email account? Second, isn’t it precedent not precedence?

    I couldn’t get any further. My head hurts.

    1. @My Head,

      If I hadn’t been reading this site for so long I would be convinced this is some really involved, early April Fools prank.


    2. @My Head ::

      I guess I’ll have to admit that the “again” part of this sentence …

      For seriously :: I’d rather get sucked into that black hole with soul-whisperer Bernstein … than read that Cox-gibberish “RICO” complaint again.

      … is a lie :: as I was also unable to read the whole thing once through … the risk of spontaneous cranial implosion was just too high.

  5. I would want to say stuff about this stuff. But I try to start to begin, then even before I start a retroactive brain wyrm will travel back in time and eat the burgeoning future instance of my brain state that was about to try to start talking about it.

    I just don’t have the stones to deal with this kind of crazy. This right here, this is the gold standard ™. People throw around that catchy term “bat shit” crazy. Well this is it here on this page with Crystal Cox and Eliot Bernstein.

    I tried listening to a few minutes of his incredibly long and (I’m guessing) utterly pointless diatribe. I’m tempted to start to consider to think about the possibility of speculating as to wondering about asking Mr. Bernstein about how, if he’s so sure all these groups are so bad and it’s multi trillion corruption, then how the hell is a (by comparison) measly little RICO statute going to stand up to that? Who would enforce it? What judge would rule it? etc. Then I’m tempted to ask him where he overhead RICO.

    I want to ask him about his patent. It makes not really any sense. Kinda like any program that deals with images in any capacity has to deal with scaling the image at some point. And as far as I can tell from what you quoted here, that’s all his special program does. Or maybe he was trying to patent image thumbnails, which is like a special case of a scaled image. Whatever it is, there’s no f–king way you could call it “novel”. You could maybe call it the extreme opposite of novel like: mundane.. common place.. ordinary. But it’s harder to patent those things.

    But I can’t ask Eliot Bernstein any of that or else the brain wyrm will eat me.


    What was I saying? Oh yeah. Fire bad, tree pretty.

    You know, Salty, for a long time, I bet people have been (secretly) saying “you’d have to be crazy to sue Salty Droid.”

    So as of today, that assertion is still totally true.

    But that’s pretty cool on the legal representation thing! And such a weird way for it to all go down. huh.

    Thanks, Randazza Legal Group. That’s mighty neighborly of you.

    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  6. Yup… They dun did it now.

    ‘Screwed the pooch’ as mah granpappy yoostuh say.

    Whelp, yooz caint say they didn’t come-uh askin fer’it.

    Tho the sad part be dat even mai grammars make that there legal paper seem downright cock-a-ninny.

    Tho… Hey salty… Imma got some venom in mah veins fer them marketeer’s an am lookin ferwerd to their day o’ retribiewshun. So… What’s Erwin ‘er dandy Jenkins ‘er Eben Pagan ‘er the gnome ‘er John Walker ‘er Ryan Deiss n’ Perry Belcher ‘er inee of them gunna git comin’ to ’em dume to yur new fancy folk backin yah?

  7. I must have missed something:
    Did Cox etc. actually filed their complaints in court and they all got dismissed or are they just saying that they suing everybody without actually doing anything?

    At any rate, pretty dumb move on behalf of Cox etc.

    Cheer up Salty: you will get sued for real next time. You know, “if at first you don’t succeed….”

    1. @Glad I Was Broke ::

      Adding the judge to the suit was an extra smooth move … she certainly has the gift of total idiocy.

  8. Hot damn, Droid! And here I thought *I* had made the big leagues last week when Popehat retweeted a link to a goofy free-speechy animation I had recently put up. I must say getting represented by Randazza trumps that about a gazillion times over. Props!

    1. @mojo ::

      I’d love to be retweeted by Popehat …

      … but alas.

      Still :: I have to agree with you … it feels pretty fucking legit to have Marc at your back.

      Which is exactly why I’m moving us to big scaled servers that can handle our crazy shitstorm type days … finally. Horrah!

      1. @SD,

        You’re in luck! Owing to my being on Twitter, I have just now proclaimed myself a social media maven/guru/ninja/attention whore, ready to sell my valuable services to clueless noobs such as yourself.

        Now, I’ve yet to flesh this philosophy out into an entire 200-page book, even with the wide margins, the large typefaces and the screaming testimonials and upselling other products on every page, but my Professional Social Media Guru Advice to you is, “Less swearing, more bunny rabbits”.


        Like so:


        lista de email lista de email lista de email lista de email

        Follow my advice and you too can have a grand army of 17 Twitter followers to do your bidding at a moment’s notice!

        1. @mojo,

          I like your post. The “lista de email” reference is funny and Floppsie’s Lament is appropriately painful.

          Re the notion of getting rid of all opinions one disagrees with: I remember reading somewhere in a Usenet FAQ once something like this: Be warned. The forum has people in it expressing points of view that are not just different than yours, but some whose opinion/point of view/outlook may actually be harmful to your opinion/point of view/outlook.

          I’m not translating that very well. Basically, it said that there could be people out there in the forum who, just by the act of your reading what they had to say, you might feel like they were attacking you. I thought that was a very insightful kind of warning.

          I totally support free speech. Or at least I support it the way that Randazza talks about. Crystal Cox is the living example that there’s some cases in the arena of free speech where maybe free speech advocates should just kinda let nature take its course or something.

          Furry cows moo and decompress.

  9. Welcome to the party Salty, (again) this is actually Cox’s third attempt at a lawsuit. Im not sure if you were mentioned in #1, an attempt at a cross complaint within the Obsidian case. #1 was essentially ignored, #2 was essentially dismissed on a Friday, adn she filed #3 on saturday morning. Of course Im sure you realize that its nothing until she actually has you served. Since she is 100% broke and homless, its less important than toliet paper. Cox and Bernstein are the definition of Bat Shit crazy…. Im hoping for something along the vexatious litigant status for both of them. heck i wanted to go to Vegas anyway, gives us an excuse to go!

    1. @Sean B,

      Re “vexatious litigant”: That’s a cool-sounding phrase. I collect those in my head the way some other geeks collect cards on a shelf.

      I’m guessing it’s a legal term that means: someone who tries to sue other people too damn much with no good reason… yes that’s it. At least according to

      A legal action or proceeding initiated maliciously and without Probable Cause by an individual who is not acting in Good Faith for the purpose of annoying or embarrassing an opponent.

      So yeah. IMHO, that describes the nature of Crystal Cox’s lawsuits pretty darn well.

      Now I can add “vexatious litigant” to my collection of cool-sounding legal terms like “fruit from the poisoned tree” and “habeas corpus”.

      1. @Wyrd ::

        Here add this one …

        res ipsa loquitur

        … it’s like an even more condescending way to say QED.


    2. @Sean B ::

      Yeah :: these are all for ignoring … and/or laughing at.

      I’m far more concerned about the extortion than the vexatious litigation. She needs to be arrested :: it’s fucking ridiculous that it hasn’t happened already.

      Maybe there was some mild “chilling effect” from the Hernandez decision … but there’s been a massive “mockery effect” to everything that’s happened since.

      1. @SD, lord knows I’ve tried on many occasions to have her arrested… Had a restraining order against her, which she ignored, she drives back and forth in front of my house, police do nothing. Law enforcement and the local courts have really screwed the pooch as far as cox goes. The legal system has had many opportunities to get her the medication she needs.

      1. SD said: “Well :: I was thinking of buying Kansas.

        ForgotMyUsername replied:

        Inquire about Utah first, SD. It could be your gift to the entire [bleeping] planet. (More or less.)

        If Utah falls through, see if you can make a deal for the part of Florida that hasn’t bled out into Costa Rica or Nevis or Belize or New Utopia.

        Maybe someone in Utah can help you put the whole [bleeping]deal on a prepaid MasterCard or get an account at PerfectMoney or LibertyReserve.


  10. I’ve been reading Marc’s blog on and off for a couple of years. He’s basically like a lawyer crossed with a vampire-killer.
    Maybe the two of you together can actually really do some carnage to the vile life-suckers that you write about.
    I sure hope so anyway.

  11. In somewhat related news: Another lunatic who, like Crystal Cox, thinks the First Amendment only applies to him and not to his critics, is coming out fiercely and daftly these days in defense of the Second. As my guy Ron likes to say,”The cheese done slid off the cracker.” Alas, comments are (as usual) disabled…

    1. @Cosmic Connie,

      Doesn’t Not-Dr. C. own any other suits? I’m tired of seeing that double-breasted nightmare and its nautical-looking buttons.

      You are not the captain of the Love Boat, Not-Dr. C.!

    2. @Cosmic Connie,

      I tried to watch that video by the not doctor, and gave up after 45 seconds of him pointing at things. It was just too Kim Jung Il for me. I just couldn’t and didn’t need to see anymore of that.

  12. OMFG – Crystal Cox the whackjob that keeps going like the Energizer bunny. All of her “associates” are looney’s themselves. Bernstein (vid posted by Salty pretty much sums that one up), Diana Grandmason aka Desi Foxx former adult pornstar who did porn movies with her daughter then accuses others of trying to pimp your kids, and washed up pornstar Monica Foster now a “Christain” pornstar whatever that is.

    Here is how Cox operates.

    1. Find something interesting and write a blog post about it without really doing serious investigative work – you know the kind that requires verification from another legitimate source.

    2. Create multiple websites and blogs about people who disagree with her or who she has “investigated and convicted” in her mind.

    3. Post wild and unsubstantiated crap on said websites and promote them via SEO.

    4. When innocent people object to having their name smeared in return for not hiring Cox for her SEO services, call them butthurt and spew more vile falsehoods about them.

    5. When said innocent people finally take legal action, play the poor put upon victim.

    6. Insist all the involved attorneys and judges sign long rambling incomprehensible conflict of interest forms. When they don’t, whine that they are part of “the conspiracy”.

    7. When the case is lost, transfer any domain names to whacko friends Bernstein, Grandmason, or Foster. Then re-file ammended complaints with made up threats that her life is in “danger” from people making fun of her.

    8. Rinse, lather, repeat as needed.

  13. What you got sued for 10million?

    Dude, that’s just so batshit crazy. I’ve only been named in the thing twice (three times if you include my other names) and she/he/it only “wishes the court to be fair and without conflict of interest and to remove all hate and defamatory blog posts” from my pages in one request for relief.

    Then in another request for relief paragraph “wishes the removal of defamatory blog posts from [my blog(s)]” due to alleged “irreparable damages, defamation, harm to Counter Plaintiff Crystal Cox [the batshitcrazy woman] And a retraction of Extortion Accusations.”

    [Note: These ‘removals’ even if a US court ordered them will never occur! ]

    With nothing about giving her/him/it any money at all.. I am saddened and annoyed that Crystal/Elliot do not consider my postings to have worthiness to even request monies. It’s just not right, it’s cruel. And It seems I will have to counter now with an Intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED) claim against them both for this audacity and harm.

    What really bugs me is that I’m named in the Request for Relief (on all claims – including the 187 page one) but am not named in any way whatsoever in the list of Counter Defendants.. That’s just bamboozling and causing me to have a major logic headache which further adds to the ability to claim under IIED (the butthurt tort)

    I demand to be listed as a named Defendant!!!!!
    I demand to be a part of this trillion dollar craziness.
    I demand proper CaPiTALizaATion
    I demand Justice and truth and The American Mental health service to do it’s job and remove these people (Elliot and Crystal) before they do further damage to themselves and others.

    1. @CrystalsTumblingCox, LOL, thats some kind of funny right there!!! The only logical explanation is that she is certifiable schitzo/bipolar with some other nutyness mixed in. She used to have a fairly decent and profitable real estate business. Of course, when the market tanked, so did her money, and she went to being a paid professional harasser and extortionist.

    1. @Omri Shabat,
      Oh look you have a new website named in your honour. (I pre-empted that by making one a year ago in her honour *snorts* [ ] and yes yes we know as everyone and their pony tells us, it needs an update *sigh* ]

      You are now amongst legends..

      Oh and welcome to the batshit craziness of the weirdness that is Crystal Cox. May your deity have mercy upon your sanity!

  14. Obviously Salty is becoming desperate for relevant stories he can make fun of now that the Gurus have went underground, all using pen names. Your a desperate douche Salty.

    1. @G15,

      If the Gurus have went underground, does it mean that they are now back up again?

      What is SD supposed to do with the “a desperate douche” that you call his?

      Where is it? Do you have a picture?

  15. Mr. Droid, this is dangerous world we live in now. To be pro constitution, and hold the words written in this document as words to be protected by loss it’s power when people who are living by these words are being arrested and labeled terrorists in their own country (USA).

    If you get sued, and go to court, will you at least dance on a video for us, or, tell the judge, “Bleep Bleep” ? or you could scream, “NOOBS, this is not fair, fart loudly and yell ‘Anti-SLAPP laws’ BITCH !!” Then roll around in frot of the Judge. anyone would let u walk. jeebus

    This post was not as bad as reading a letter someone posted in the bus terminal window about the police killing citizens with GPS and following them around and the city cops are illegal aliens causing women to have a heavy periods. ( I think the girl who posted this is paranoid schizophrenic )

    what a day…

    1. @Phoebe,

      I want to score your post. But the system only has “+1” and “-1”.

      To score yours accurately, I’d need “+i” where i is sqrt(-1).

  16. @Phoebe,

    I’m sorry. I wasn’t really trying to be mean. I couldn’t make a lot of sense out of your post is all.

    Hopefully you will not cross paths with the writings of any paranoid schizophrenics today.

  17. Actually i wish i had seen her post these letters on the wall. She sounds really out of it.

    As for the post I was working late and tired and thought about Droid’s writings.. I just had to post a rant.

    Now the lawsuit is just as dumb as my post… :/

  18. I vie wit?

    I would compete in a battle of wits with Ms. Cox but I fear that to do so would be to fight an unarmed woman.

  19. RevRon shared a petition related to this on Facebook, so props to him for bringing this to my attention.

    {{ Trigger warning for people with souls!! Avert your eyes from the photos – and maybe the words – in this long feature article.}}
    Open Season: Do Laws Against Animal Crushing Videos Violate Free Speech?

    From what I can gather from Wikipedia, crush films were outlawed by the Animal Crush Video Prohibition Act of 2010, which had to be enacted after previous anti-crushing laws were found to violate the First Amendment in U.S. v. Stevens.

    I don’t see anything about this on Popehat or on your attorney’s blog, yet, so do you want to weigh in on this, Salty?

    1. @Lanna,

      I’m deeply confused. I’m also slightly disgusted and shit, but mostly confused.

      I admit that thus far I’ve only skimmed the article.

      I was under the impression that “cruelty to animals” was pretty much illegal these days. Is this not the case? Are there exceptions or something?

      Let’s ignore whether it’s a violation of free speech rights or not to be able to make a “crush video” for the moment–isn’t the act of crushing an animal already illegal regardless of whether you record it?

      Why do we need a law specifically against making these sorts of videos? Can’t the people that make it already go to jail? Or is cruelty to animals just a misdemeanor or something?

      Furry cows moo and decompress.

      1. @Wyrd,

        Crushing an animal without filming it seems to fall under county animal cruelty laws, and, while the case in question was in Houston, in this case in Illinois, a man who killed his brother’s cat was sentenced to only 30 months probation and 150 hours of community service. Prosecutors tried to get a steeper sentence because animal cruelty had been changed from a misdemeanor to a felony, but that only added 90 days in jail.

        In contrast, the five counts of violating the Animal Crush Film Prohibition Act of 2010 that Ashley Nicole Richards and cameraman Brent Wayne Justice were charged with carried a maximum sentence of 45 years, according to the Houston Press article. The article says the county DA was originally going to prosecute them for animal cruelty, but the U.S. Attorney wanted this as the first test case for the Act, which is federal law. The article says the DA and state officials didn’t follow up, presumably because they thought it was a slam-dunk win for the Act and didn’t see a purpose to tacking 500 hours of community service or whatever onto what they hoped would be the full 45-year sentence, plus more for the two charges of obscenity.

  20. I’m so confused… “crush video” wth, wtf is that?
    Did someone step on Cox ? Who? Why?
    Who the hell trampled on COX? please tell me, damn u people…

    I never knew things like this existed.

    Should really making a movie out of Mr. Salty’s life online.
    I would like to play my part :)( whatever that is )

    Salty, why can’t you have some pretty lesbians on your blog. I always see scams from troll faces and gnome looking people.. wtf man….fckin keebler elves and shit!

  21. Excuse my ignorance here. Can anyone in the US file a lawsuit charge? Do people risk financial loss if it’s thrown out? If it’s the first, then I don’t understand. Surely there should be some intelligent appraisal of the claim, otherwise all sorts of people would be clogging up the courts with their bullshit (not that bullshit isn’t the heart of many so-called merited claims). If it’s the second then I don’t understand either: how has Crystal Cox got the financial resources to do it after losing a $30 million lawsuit?

    1. I am not a lawyer. I’m sure Salty can clarify if I miss any important points.

      Yes, anyone in the U.S. can file a civil lawsuit against another party or parties. Typically, the filing fee ($350 in my state) and cost of hiring a lawyer act as barriers to entry for frivolous litigation. However, litigants may appear pro se (without a lawyer) and file an in forma pauperis petition to file without paying the fee in advance (PDF guide for Northern Illinois).

      The financial penalties for filing a frivolous ligitation depend on the court in which it’s filed. Individuals who repeatedly file frivolous litigation may also be deemed vexatious litigants and blocked from filing additional lawsuits without special permission.

      Cox has been appearing pro se, and if she successfully petitions for in forma pauperis consideration, she can file the suit without any initial payment. As far as the $30 million settlement against her, courts have limited means of getting defendants to pay up, as in the case of Kevin Trudeau. From the Chicago Tribune:

      In the six years since the [$37 million] fine was levied by U.S. District Judge Robert Gettleman, regulators said Trudeau has failed to pay a penny, claiming he was broke even though he continued to live high off the hog with fancy dinners, luxury homes and expensive cigars.

      1. Lanna, thanks for that input and the time you took to answer. Since posting the above, I realised I may have got it wrong about it being $30 million. It may have been close to £3. Nevertheless, it’s still a hell of a lot!

        Never heard of Kevin Trudeau until now, but just looked: seems he is/was a snake oil con artist. I hope he doesn’t write a book, feign remorse and end up employed as fraud consultant to some large company, although I wouldn’t hold my breath

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