Kilstein’s The Secret Secret

Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein hasn’t been having much success in business lately. Sure he still has his pretend “seven figure Internet business” :: and that’s doing great … it will be manifesting itself into an eight figure mega-empire in no time. But back here on Earth :: where Newtonian Physics still reign supreme :: in a humble little place called MOTHER FUCKING REALITY! :: he’s be sucking even by his own hardcore sucktacular standards.

Tactic 7 :: A $3000 sink to the bottom turd == Epic Fail {ask Google if you’d like more info about Tactic 7 :: she’ll tell you about this fantastically interesting article: Tactic 7 :: City of Gold … many people say the author is a once in a geological era creative genius who is destined to rule supreme over the universe … and I’m compelled to agree after a mandatory 30 seconds of false humility}.

Tactic 10 :: aka “Tactic 7 plus the square root of 9” :: also smelled like the excretions of a rotting gall bladder and sank to the bottom.

What to do? How is fatty-fatty-bag-o-donuts gonna pay the bills?

Well there’s always refinancing your house :: take the equity out as cash :: and then pimp your beefy thighs with designer yoga and high-end sweat suits. The real estate market in Florida is BOOMING :: and it can’t fucking fail. It’s like a money printing machine :: Refinance 7 **times for **7 figures.

Error! :: oh wait I’m sorry charlie :: that was the ghost of 2006 talking {that lying bitch is tough to silence}.

What I meant to say was :: How about foreclosure? Getting kicked out of your home is one sure fire way to cut costs. I’m sure moving back in with Mommy Dearest is still an option :: She NEVER wanted you to leave anyway. Sure it’s a bit embarrassing :: You’re 50 {going on 75} with the emotional maturity of a preteen :: You’ve failed at EVERYTHING you’ve tried in real life :: And now you’ve even failed at failing {/claps}. Whatever. Just walk back to Mom’s house :: head held high :: knowing that at least NOW YOU have the bigger set of tits.

… or … another totally viable option … more denial and desperation. Maybe a new frauduct … slightly “lower market” than other recent “opportunities.” Ladies :: brace yourselves for a trip to stupid town …

:: The Hypnotic Secret ::

“Attention: Disillusioned Readers of “The Secret” are about to discover..The Dirty Little Secret Benjamin Franklin Tried To Conceal That Has Absolutely Crippled Your Chances To Automatically Begin Manifesting Massive Wealth…Deep, Enriching Relationships…And Enduring Health.”

Yep! … The Secret :: The Fucking Secret! Because there has never been a better time to latch your bloodsucker on to that colossal train wreck of a scam. People are talking about it … what more do you need? Sure they’re talking about it killing people and ruining lives … but whatevs … all press is good press … am I right people? People? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

See some of these other DeathLodge mother fuckers got The Secret all wrong :: They were just trying to make a buck at your expense {from the promotional email spam} …

“So people start out following the steps and unfortunately…

THEY ARE LIED TO.

You know by who.

The big shots making the entire living teaching the Law of Attraction.

They are the ones bragging about their Rolls Royces, huge mansions, and private planes to rub in your faces their success.

I’ve got new for you. If they weren’t teaching the Law of Attraction, they’d all be DEAD BROKE.”

But Not-Doctor Kilstein ain’t like that.

Oh Hellz No! He’s 110% Str8 4Realz :: 120% of the time.

Suck on that disingenuousness!

He’s got the real secret to The Secret that Benjamin Franklin didn’t want you to know :: and he’s living proof of The Law of Attraction in Action™ …

“And it just keeps getting better and better. Now I approach life as the master. With this knowledge I feel like I finally own my life…I now have complete control of where I’m going. At last… it’s like I can do, be, or have anything I want…AS IF I HAVE THE ALADIN’S GENIE BY THE THROAT…forcing him to grant my every wish.”

Love the Aladdin reference Not-Doctor K :: it reminds me of the James Arthur Ray Aladdin sequence in The Secret {link}. The Droid has a D.F.A. in Metaphor Completion Studies :: so let me finish that bad boy off for you.

ShitStein: I demand, nay FORCE, you to grant my every wish. First, make hot young chicks lust after my lumpy sack of potatoes body.

Genie: Why are your puny little hands around my neck guy?

ShitStein: I forcing you to grant my every wish dirtbag! Now get started. Young chicks dig me … NOW!!!

Genie: {laughing out loud} Umm … I’m a genie you stupid fuck. Maybe you don’t understand the genie game … but we have like super powers and stuff … so step off punk! And why does it smell like a ferret has been nesting its dead babies inside of your mouth? You should really get that shit checked out ASAP.

ShitStein {meekly removing his filthy hands from the giant blue neck}: You’re peeing on the wrong people here genie. I know Frank Kern! Frank Fucking Kern! So you aren’t going to grant my wishes?

Genie {channeling David Puddy}: That’s right. {end channeling} Oh and I’m sending you back to World War I Europe … good luck manifesting your way out of the trenches you pasty little douche {puff of smoke … and maybe some Sheryl Crow for mood music}

Buy this product now and be manifesting LearJets by Christmas. Kilstein needs new victims so that he can afford to pay refunds to his old victims {more about that later}. Perhaps if we join together and buy enough of his crap we can stave off the inevitable Harlan Kilstein …

Mom and Me {Boobs vs Moobs} Incestual Wet T-Shirt Contest

… for another year.

>> bleep bloop