Bob Proctor :: Lanny Morton :: Six Minute Suck{cess}

Lanny Morton is Bob Proctor’s Josh Fredrickson.

If you’re an avid reader of this fake robot blog :: then that description makes total fucking sense to you {pat yourself on the back!}.

If you’re not an avid reader :: then it makes no sense. But who really gives a shit about you anyway? You can’t spare an hour a week for reading fake robots? Your pants are too fancy? You know about another highlarious anti-crime blog written by a real robot who’s even awesomer? Your obsession with cheap cheeze-burgers has consumed all your free time? Whatever :: don’t answer me :: I don’t care.

The unicorn gods of bullshit chose Bob Proctor to be one of the featured “teachers” in the hit fake movie :: The Secret. An extensive article about the Death Ray situation in last week’s Guardian :: awesomely titled “At the temple of James Arthur Ray” :: quoted Oprah’s opening description of the magical secrets …

“Have you heard about it?” Winfrey asked her millions of viewers, holding up a copy of the book. “My guests today believe that once you discover ‘the secret’, that you can immediately start creating the life you want, whether it’s getting out of debt, whether it’s finding a more fulfilling job, even falling in love. They say you can have it all, and, in fact, you already hold the power to make that happen.”

That’s nice.

But the real ‘the secret’ behind The Secret is telling people that they can have it all in order to take everything they have. It’s a time tested strategy that can sometimes be scaled {via fluke or evil planning} to the size of the mass media market. Bob Proctor has been an avid practitioner of the real secret for many years :: blowing evil-tainted smoke up asses since the Johnson administration … or something.

One of Bob’s current frauducts is The Bob Proctor Network :: sounds good right? :: here’s the site header …

… competition is out! I’ve heard that myself :: he might be on to something.

Another current Bob frauduct is Six Minutes to Success :: I know what you’re thinking :: “six minutes is a long time to wait” :: but just imagine how much more your family will love and appreciate you once you’re successful … and it will make that six minutes feel more like four minutes.

Last year James Ray mailed for the Six Minutes launch :: and I may have mentioned how weak-balls it was that Bob Proctor {and his wannabe Josh Fredrickson bitch Lanny Morton} would continue to accept Death Ray as an affiliate and process his leads. This year Lanny Morton decided to approach The Droid as part of his pre-launch process :: cause you know :: that’s sure to be a good idea …

Lanny Morton to SaltyDroid :: 4/30/2011

Subject: say it’s crap with all the info :o)

Salty.

We are doing a launch this summer and I thought I would offer you an account to check out our site ahead of time so if you decide to rip on it, you can do so with personal experience. (our new site will be ready in a couple weeks)

I’m not assuming we are big enough to get on your radar but you wrote about it last year.

Quote from your april 2010 post about our content: “low-grade mouth-borne donkey-shit”

you have a gift with words, that was really funny.

I like to think we do things differently. You won’t find any income claims or testimonials in our sales process. I think we give people a lot of value for what we are charging.

Anyway, would be open to your feedback. Even if it’s negative.

Thanks

Lanny

SaltyDroid to Lanny Morton :: 5/4/2011

I don’t need an account to know that your old-man boyfriend was at the World Wealth Society Summit just a few days after people died in the sweat lodge but while Liz Neuman was still dying in a coma. I don’t need to see your “product” to know that you were one of the top affiliates for the Tony Robbins / Syndicate joint. I don’t need to log in to some lame ass web page to know that you and Uncle Bob are taking people for six figures whenever you can.

Do I?

Okay maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t criticize things I haven’t experienced. Why don’t you give me a free membership in the 3% Club so I can make an objective assessment about whether or not that “product” was as advertised?

Why would you email me with such obvious disingenuousness? Are you crazy or something? Have you not heard the other d-bags talking about what a bad idea that is?

You should think hard about whether or not you want to sink with a ship that you’re not captaining.

Talking to me is fun … I guess. Lanny wants more …

Lanny Morton to SaltyDroid :: 5/4/2011

my motive was not “disingenuousness”.

When the content is ready for 3% club, I will give you access to it.

SaltyDroid to Lanny Morton :: 5/4/2011

1. disingenuousness isn’t a “motive” … it’s a state of being in which you represent yourself as knowing less than you do in order to achieve unstated objectives. aka lying … and I seriously don’t appreciate having it done to my face.

2. so you admit that you sold the 3% Club before you created the content? makes sense … that’s another thing I repeatedly hear about you and Bob.

3. you missed the point. i don’t care about your stupid content … and i don’t need, or want, to see it. i know how the whole machine works … and I know your place inside it.

4. i know about Bob’s non-marketing related sins. if I find out that you know too … and that you continued your association with him none the less … I promise I make sure you get your fair share of the karma over it.

have some fucking standards Lanny.

Lanny Morton to SaltyDroid :: 5/4/2011

1. Wasn’t lying. (But only I know that, no way for you to know)

2. 3% club was sold as a live 4 day seminar, which we delivered. I thought that if we did personal development training AND internet marketing training that people would actually get off their ass and do what we taught and be successful. I think it was a good class but I didn’t accomplish the goal of making it so everyone was successful so we stopped doing the class.

3. I see my place inside “The Machine” as someone who is attempting to deliver value to the best of my ability in a way that is transparent and ethical. If you have a different opinion, I am open to hearing it, as feedback, even negative, is helpful to be better.

4. no idea what you are talking about with the “non-marketing related sins”, therefor, I am not worries about the karma coming my way.

The 3% Club was $10,000.

SaltyDroid to Lanny Morton :: 5/4/2011

Well I’m sure at least one 3%er “got off their ass” and put in the required effort. I mean they are 3%ers after all … they were willing to make a scary big investment.

So I don’t need to see proof that “everyone was successful” … why don’t you just show me proof that one person was successful. That would impress me.

Two weeks of silence followed :: {insert! dancing! interlude!} …

SaltyDroid to Lanny Morton :: 5/18/2011

Well Morton?

It’s been two weeks … I’m still waiting.

Can’t even produce one suckcess?

Have any comment for the article I’ll be writing about you charging a ton … and then producing nothing {not even a single viable result}?

I hope you’re forwarding this email chain on to Dr. Bob … but even if you’re not … something tells me he’ll have the opportunity to read it. I’m just cool like that.

50ish people paid Lanny Morton and Bob Proctor HUGE monies to learn how to “get off their asses” and get to the top of the Internet game …

No results!

That’s how this game works … ZERO FUCKING RESULTS … and it’s why approaching me is always a bad idea. Zero fucking results is indefensible … so personal denial and public silence remain the only possible strategy for dealing with me. But Lanny :: and many other empty-headed-dickbags … are too stupid to see that.

Lanny gives me the name and number of a 3% Club member who has had success getting off his ass and implementing Lanny and Bob’s super special Internet secrets. Let’s call that guy Chuck because Chuck is not his name. Chuck is down to working just one day a week due to all his awesome successfulness :: says Lanny.

Sounds great! Sounds better than Morton and Proctor are doing in fact :: the student surpasses the teacher … the classic tale. I ask for a link to Chuck’s site so I can check it out before I make the call.

Morton tells me Chuck doesn’t have a website.

WTF? How is he an Internet success then?

Because in scammer land :: someone is considered a “success” so long as they’re not currently planning on reporting you to the Feds … I guess.

Fuck it. I called Chuck anywayz.

Chuck is not a success. He’s lost an assload of money to Morton/Proctor … and other pigs just like them. Chuck has hopes for future success based on unrealistic expectations :: and Jason asked him to consider the possibility that this whole thing is an elaborate scam … and that old men like Bob Proctor and his dancing pig-boy minion Lanny Morton … have no idea how to succeed on the Internet.

Chuck knows Lanny from Lanny’s other “business” venture :: an MLM energy drink flopportunity called Vemma. Vemma is for people who like their beverages to come with business opportunities. Says Lanny on his caffeine-kool-aid selling homepage …

We have a step by step system for success that anyone can follow. I have already taken 2 people in less than 6 months to six figures and want to do it for a few more.

Before you say, “Yes Lanny and Deena, pick me”, there are some requirements to work with us as business builders:

1. Must have positive attitude. Life is too short to work with negative people.
2. Must have desire, we will take that desire and turn it into a massive residual income.
3. Must be coachable. We have a step by step system that works and will create whatever it is you are looking for. If you are the type that sings like Frank Sinatra all the time “I did it my way”, then it isn’t going to work.

If you have these 3 things, we will make you successful, guaranteed.

Those sound like {lame} income claims and guarantees :: but I know Lanny doesn’t do shit like that because he just told me so … and what would be the point of bullshitting the Internet’s most kickass bullshit detector?

Morton and Proctor launched Six Minutes to Success in June as planned. Here’s Lanny trying to get more affiliates to mail …

“Conversion numbers are really really good. If you are new to a Six Minutes launch then I want to give you a little crystal ball so you can play around with the numbers. When you are dealing with a $1 trial, it can be deceiving and a little underwhelming..

Some rough calculations I did this morning from last years launch were that the average value for each $1 trial was roughly worth $300 in customer value. Keep in mind, this was with a website that had no upsells inside of it like the 3.0 site has, was far inferior to the new site and no amazing follow up retention stuff like we are doing now. So, you can do the math that if you have 30 sales, you have probably made $4500 in future commissions. (Probably much more, it’s a conservative guess) 100 sales probably will end up being $15,000. Our top affiliate, I estimate has already banked over $88,000 in the first two days in future commissions.”

Once again :: James Arthur Ray was an affiliate for a Bob Proctor/Lanny Morton launch. Because non-competition is thicker than blood. Because non-competition is the only ‘the secret’ that really matters.

As James Arthur Ray was being convicted of negligent homicide :: he was simultaneously appearing on the affiliate leader-board for Bob Proctor’s frauduct launch.

Linda Andresano attended James Arthur Ray’s Harmonic Wealth Weekend in The Salty Droid’s home city of Chicago :: along with Colleen Conaway. Linda :: like Colleen :: got LGAT upsold on a James Arthur Ray parasite package that included Spiritual Warrior 2009. Linda had been recently diagnosed with cancer and called JRI to make sure it was okay for her to attend the fasting-no-water-heat-endurance-challenge in her condition. Instead of offering Linda a refund :: JRI says hellz yeah :: come on out. Linda was positioned at the back of the lodge :: and lost consciousness thinking about what a good day it was to die. Her unconscious body was propped against the wall of the death lodge :: dangerously exposing her head to the searing heat. When Michael Olesen tried to get Linda’s body into the safer prone position :: James Arthur Ray shouted him down.

She’ll be fine!

After the heat endurance challenge :: as James Ray sat in the shade drinking :: Lou Caci {himself burned :: lacerated :: and delirious} and Michael Olesen :: helped drag Linda’s body from the tent. Via some kind of miracle … Linda refused to die. She testified that in the days that followed the lodge she was just glad she wasn’t dead :: and she saw that as a kind of James Ray “success”. She was scheduled to attend James Ray’s World Wealth Summit in San Diego :: and even though he had nearly killed her and drove away on a golf cart … she attended in her gratefulness at being alive.

Bob Proctor attended too :: ready and willing to sell Linda Andresano on his bullshit. He’s still ready :: if there are any pulses left on Death Ray’s list :: he’ll take um!! Cause it doesn’t matter that Linda almost died. Cause it didn’t matter that Liz was still dying. Cause it doesn’t matter that nobody succeeds. Cause all that matters is the motherfucking money :: and it’s really starting to piss me off.

>> bleep bloop