AssStorm Marketing Machines

Squatting 4 Dollars

Mike Koenigs is a fucking disease :: so it’s kinda confusing that he has a disease … I guess even parasites can get cancer. Disease fight!

Says Mike in a super classy sales email …

“It’s the most significant public admission I’ve ever made.
It revolves around “The C Word”.

Yup, you guessed it.

Did I guess cancer? I didn’t even know we were guessing … and then you blurted the answer before I got done thinking about what was revolving around “The C Word” … maybe “The D Word”? Also :: that’s not technically an “admission” … but who’s quibbling? It’s just that every word is so :: so … stupid.

In June Mike Koenigs was diagnosed with Stage 3 colorectal cancer :: within three weeks he’d sent around a ten page whitepaper that went into excruciatingly narcissistic detail about the goings on of his asshole region … and how these goings on surely must relate back to Internet Marketing. That was followed by a second :: even longer winded … document. I would publish them in full :: but they are mostly boring … and have names of mother-in-laws and doctors and nurses and such.

Three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.

I’m sending this to you as a friend, confidentially, so you know what’s happening with me. Please don’t share this with anyone.

I had it very shortly after it was sent out :: so oops … maybe Mike’s list of friends is much like his list of affiliates in that nobody on it really likes him very much. But I’m sorry to interrupt you Mike Koenigs :: I believe you were saying something about your asshole to your asshole “friends” …

Last fall I started bleeding from my butt. I thought it was caused by bleeding hemorrhoids. And I felt just fine. Remarkable in fact. For the past two years, I have been going to see a regular MD for checkups and blood work and my health has been absolutely perfect. Nothing was out of place. In fact, my doctor thought my blood was the best he had ever seen.

Holy shit :: this is the best blood I’ve ever seen … do you do blood pilates? Are you a vampire? Seriously Mike :: I’ve seen a lot of blood in my day … and you’ve won.

Back to my butt…

Vivian convinced me to go in for a colonoscopy and it took several months to finally get in for the test.

Yada yada :: butthole this … poopchute that … too much information revolving around The C Word of the A-hole.

Trust me when I say this, I am not going to get used to someone pushing metal objects up my butt. It just ain’t natural.

ALRIGHT ALREADY!! I’m not going to get used to you talking about it either :: trust me … so let’s move on to the Internet Marketing part and forget this ever happened to my eye holes.

The first too long whitepaper was primarily concerned with how much Mike Koenigs :: unicorn seller … doesn’t want to hear about unicorns …

So in the event you want to help out by making recommendations for alternative treatments – my request to you is, I’m open to ideas but please, no quacks.

No quacks. He doesn’t want to give his money :: his time :: and his life to some untrained know nothing who is just winging it for dollars.

If I have to make a choice between alternative or traditional therapies, I will side on the approach that has clinically proven data and published information associated with it.

Nope :: no false hope buying for Mike Koenigs …

I’ll side on science, not “hopium smoking”, fuzzy bunnies,  feathers and crystals.

… because he’s made enough money selling hopium to other lost and suffering souls {many made vulnerable to his scamworld lies by cancer’s destructive power} that he can afford excellent health insurance and the care of a world-class cancer team at the Scripps Medical Center.

Victims can use The Law of Attraction to solve all their problems :: but James Arthur Ray needs a suitcase full of medications to solve his … it might be considered hypocrisy if wasn’t obvious intentional fraud.

Besides :: even if Mike Koenigs wanted the help of quacks … he already knows the best ones …

“Vivian is friends with Jeremy Geffen, MD, Dr. Dean Ornish, and we are well-connected with many of the people who were involved with alternative, nutrition, and spiritual health care…

The point I’m trying to make here is we are a phone call away from some of the most connected people in the spiritual, alternative, and complementary health-care worlds. They’ll reach out and help us in any way they can. They have.”

The healing power of name dropping.

Mike also doesn’t want recommendations for any REAL doctors who don’t meet the exacting standards he sets while spending other people’s money on himself …

We received a recommendation from another friend to speak with a well-respected REAL oncologist with a strong background in complementary and alternative medicine who had some suggestions and recommendations. He charged us $500 for an hour of his time.

Most of what he recommended could be found on Google. We already knew this stuff – a mixture of common sense, nutrition, meditation and some other stuff … it really came down to $500 and a waste of an hour of mine and Vivian’s time.

Nothing new :: common sense … already on Google {irony overload!}. The REAL doctor was a waste of Mike’s time and money :: but the $100,000+ mastermind that Mike Koenigs was pushing at his seminar this weekend  … totally legit.

… I mean it includes three coaching/implementation calls with Pam :: so how could it not be worth more than a house?

I will not be a Steve Jobs.

No real doubt about that.

I will not be a martyr for the alternative, the complementary, or an unproven medical space or community.

In my opinion, Steve Jobs was an idiot. A fool. A total retard… He hesitated. He waited. He made decisions based on misguided feelings, paranoia and zero science. That will not be me.

Cancer is scary :: and Mike’s a changed man even before he’s done trying to survive it …

It’s funny – in the past four weeks, I’ve let my blame and anger go. I notice it, feel it and let it pass. I’ve never been able to do that before. I guess I didn’t have a big enough “why”.

I don’t recognize the man I was a month ago.

I don’t miss that guy one bit.

New Mike loves new Mike :: he’s so full of perspective and compassion … Steve Jobs was a total fucking retard.

Anywayz :: there is one small problem within Mike’s reconstructed asshole utopia …

I look…older. I’m horrified that I’m going to look and feel old when the treatments are over. It’s not my time yet. Just a few more years of feeling and looking young…

No not that :: you’ve always been wicked ugly … remember how I used to call you balding little bitch even before the cancer {good times!}? Actually :: I was talking about the lack of monies …

Right now I need as much support as I can driving new business, more customers and clients to my existing services and transitioning away from working in my business to working on my business so it can run without my direct involvement.

All of Mike’s frauducts promise passive income on Internet autopilot … but he has achieved nothing of the sort for himself or his own business.

His cancer exploiting sales email this week positions Author Expert Marketing Machines like this …

My diagnosis inspired me to write a new book and undertake a project I consider my “Magnum Opus” – my life’s work and something I had been thinking about doing for over five years.

The bottom line is that helping you share your gifts is my purpose.

Giving you the tools achieve your potential is my mission.

I choose you.

And if I only had 30 days left to live, I’d be here with you right now, doing what I’m doing.

I choose you for my Magnum Opus :: or to put it another way {when victims are out of earshot} …

We have cash in the bank – even though I’m the only marketing and sales arm of the company. I’ll have to do something pretty quickly to keep the wheels spinning after the first of the year.

How I’m Going to Make Some Money…

I’m going to do the one thing I do really well.

Another damn product launch.

This one is called “Author Expert Marketing Machines” – and it’ll generate enough cash to last until next year. At this point, I can do product launches in my sleep and my good friends in the “business” have all agreed to promote the new product.

It’s a pity party desperation cash grab … inspirational.

I know why I put “business” in quotes when referring to Scamworld con jobs :: but it’s not clear why Mike Koenigs would do the same … maybe because he knows his whole life is a fucking farce?

We’ll get the company to run in “cruise control” without my direct involvement, find a way to generate traffic, leads and sales that are more cost effective than our current system (affiliate marketing, which isn’t profitable or effective anymore).

So they’re out of cash :: their current systems aren’t profitable or effective even though everyone in the “business” is willing to promote them … and they don’t see a solution to either problem. They can haz your $100,000 for suckcessful masterminding now?

“Overall, I’m feeling good. My new “pooper” is working pretty well, sometimes too well. For example, a couple days ago I was in the bathroom 18 times, then I quit counting. :(

But it sure does beat the hell out of sitting down six times a day and having only blood and tissue come out like I did pre-surgery. Blech.”

Okay then … who wants some lunch? Rick Calvert?

I actually feel a little bad about not mentioning this before given that I’ve known about Mike’s ass cancer for almost as long as he has :: but I have a legit cancer healer in my network Mike … he could save you a lot of suffering. Like yourself he’s one of the fake best in the whole wide world :: four doctors degrees :: four PHDs :: 92.3% cancer cure rate … just remember to keep your eyes closed.

>> bleep bloop

123 thoughts on “AssStorm Marketing Machines”

  1. Karma-truly a bitch-when he promoted oneminutecancercure and bragged in his market yourself with video sales letter about how he helped crap “cures”-well it’s well and truly bitten him in the arse now.

      1. @Naked Chicken,

        oneminutecancercures… Good catch, @Naked Chicken!

        And good catch, @SD, because I totally missed that there was even a reference to a thing there. But I got it now that you link-ifyed it.

        (So the following is supposed to be a summary for anyone that hasn’t had a chance to click through the link yet. Except I don’t do a good job of focusing on Mike’s promotion of the crap b/c the crap itself pisses me off too much and grabs all focus. I would never make a good Internet Marketer.)

        On , Mike Koenigs was talking up how cool he is and has a picture of Tony Robbins and then a picture of some other guy and then a picture of that damn book “One Minute Cure: the Secret to Healing Virtually All Diseases”.

        This time, instead of stress, the cause of all disease is lack of oxygen to the cells… or something. {I love how various alt-med philosophies can’t even agree on a basic theory of disease–it reminds me of when I watch two different were-wolf or vampire stories and the rules are all different each time.}

        Anyway, Mike was mega-happy to show us how his Traffic Geyser bullsh*t or maybe some other bullsh*t I forget was totally boss at getting a high page rank for this vile, piss soaked excrement book. Also, I think this book is like a knock-off Kevin Trudeau number. I mean to say, it looks like someone that isn’t KT decided to get in the same niche as him.

        hmm I wonder what not-Dr.^4 “Dr. C” Creepy Coldwell would have to say about this version of cancer “therapy”. But I don’t wonder very much.

        It must be a bunch of fun over there in the land of unicorns where seekrit millionaire playboys live lives the unwashed masses can only dream of and where cancer can be cured by some super simple “natural” remedy.

        Until you start pooping blood.

        Now if only Mike’s really real cancer treatment for his Stage 3 cancer could’ve given him a soulThat would be a damn miracle.

        Furry cows moo and decompress.

        1. @Wyrd, the “cure” was drinking bleach – yummy (and i didnt put a link in cos that stuff is just plain shit (geddit?))

          1. @Naked Chicken,

            The cure was bleach, the rationale, I think, was that it would give your cells more oxygen.

            And I totally agree–that One Minute Cure book is shit of the worst possible kind.

            1. @Wyrd, @Naked Chicken, Presumably we’re not talking about chlorine bleach but rather about that quackadoodle cure-all, food-grade hydrogen peroxide. Not-doc Coldwell, as it happens, is also a big advocate of food-grade hydrogen peroxide. He is also one of numerous alt-health gurus who claim that cancer cannot exist in an alkaline environment, so you need to get your system as alkaline as possible.

              Coldwell has semi-famously also claimed that every cancer can be cured in a few weeks, and some can be cured in minutes. Just Google “Every cancer can be cured in weeks Coldwell” and you’ll see his vid where he claims that. (Of note, early on in the video, Coldwell mentions the book “Spontaneous Healing” by a doctor whom he claims not to like. He doesn’t name the doc but it is presumably Andrew Weil, M.D., who does have a book by that title. However one may feel about Dr. Weil’s own woo-ish leanings, at least he appears to be a real M.D., unlike not-doc Coldwell.)

    1. @Naked Chicken, Karma is an evil philosophy which, loosely translated, is Sanskrit for “blame the victim”. i.e., if bad things happen to you, it must be your fault.

    2. @Orenthal, if I believed in magical thinking (which I don’t) I would argue that karma is nothing more than cause and effect (though cause can come from previous incarnations to effect in this life). What I will point out is the whole concept of irony in which I can find amusement from attributing a magical thinking cause and effect event happening to one that sells magical thinking cause and effects to others. It’s irony (or arseholes) all the way down.

    3. Interesting how in Koenigs’ own illustration reprinted at the top of this post, he appears “larger than life,” and as though he were stepping on all the “little people.” Freudian, perhaps? What an ego.

  2. Awful. Depressing. – the filthy Warrior Forum uses the ‘pity party’ method *frequently* – along with almost every other IM Guru out there.

    Eliciting pity has valid uses – any good charity has to use this approach.

    Generating some form of empathy – e.g. making people want to help you – is a good tactic for any salesman to close a sale.

    Quite a number of the greatest movie scripts start by humiliating the protagonist: it really works to get the audience empathising and relating to the character, and from then on the audience gets into the film and enjoys it.

    And then you have the bastards who use the ‘pity party’ and any other disengenous and manipulative method (e.g. ‘love bomb’ method of Scientologists and most IMers) to extract cash from victims. The only way of humanely dealing with the pyschopath scam artist is to firstly expose them : e.g. as per the brilliance + wit of SD above. Get their business MO destroyed. If possible, get them put in jail. is also the way to go.

      1. @Cosmic Connie, For minion uprising – I think there is a tier one – who report directly to SD, and then there is a tier two – who get the message out however they can. Like the friend of the Confestimonial lawyer, who told her ‘It’s not real’, to the BBC journalist, with this piece:

        …to giving the right answers – such as gedwards66 here – [gedwards66 subsequently banned from the site!]

        …the hope is that victims become well informed enough to stop financing all tiers of IMers propagating shit.

        …and perhaps Google and Facebook start being ethical with their pay per click policies. e.g. not allowing promotion of IM spam, rather than charging more per click! My FB page, I kid you not, delivers largely info frauduct ads to me: way to go you multibillion dollar organisation! Be proud of yourselves. Well done Zuckerberg! Well done Sandberg! Well done Cutts! Or hopefully time to change?

        There is sadly a poetic justice in

        “Mike Koenigs is a fucking disease :: so it’s kinda confusing that he has a disease … I guess even parasites can get cancer. Disease fight!”

        Someone who sells frauducts that prevent people from taking early preventative cancer treatment that would have worked, someone who sells shit, and messes with peoples minds, exploiting very human weaknesses, actually gets that particular C word up the A word.

        However it is not a good resolution. Much better if he were healthy, and stopped being a psychopath – can that happen? Otherwise – and the other option being taken with panache by SD – ridicule and laugh him and his business into nothingness. Converting Sheeple to People!

  3. Oh Geez, Salty… Wow.

    I knew his emotional appeal (not much else there) would be worthy of a post from you, but really didn’t expect the bald, need money for the “C” word treatment, direct appeal. As one who’s lost a close loved one to the disease, I find it particularly cruel and self-serving.

    If he’s so fabulously wealthy from being a genius Internet marketer he ought to be able to take his newly opened heart and open a cancer fighting charity with it.

    Some games don’t end well, Mike. Make a real change.

  4. Okay, I don’t even know who Mike Koenigs is, but that was fucking hilarious. So, yes, maybe comedy, a little bit.

  5. Just reading that reminded me of the colonoscopy I had nearly a year ago. That was NOT a pleasant memory, but I won’t share.

    In any case, it says volumes that the guy has to go out and hustle for his scams while recovering from stage 3 colorectal cancer. Volumes: he doesn’t have the money to pay his medical bills, maybe? Or he’s got the money and he’s milking it for all it’s worth. I can’t make up my mind on that.

    1. @mirele,

      From the more private message where he talked about his friends in the `”business”‘, it looks like he’s got money right now, but if he doesn’t do this big frauduct launch, he won’t have enough come the start of 2013 (assuming that message was recent-ish) to keep his immediate staff paid, keep the web hosting servers running, etc.

      It’s tempting to believe that he’s getting tired of scamming, and that he’ll find some way out of it.

      But that doesn’t seem to be how these f*ckers operate in practice. So maybe more likely is that Mike Koenigs has no intention of not scamming, but that for whatever reason, when he was writing that more private message, he wanted/needed his target audience to believe he was going to be less scammy in the future. Maybe he needed that person or people to believe that things would get better (i.e. less evil/corrupt) in the near future… if they could just hold on for a little while longer.

      Kinda like the bank robber who’s out on parole who just needs to make one more score.

      But if there’s truth in the lies–if “affiliate marketing . . . isn’t profitable or effective anymore”, then I don’t see how this “Magnum Opus” could ever work as a final score.

      The general IM-MMO machine is being forced to re-tool, re-calibrate. It’s being forced (slightly) to go (slightly) legitimate. But it can’t because it fundamentally isn’t. So instead, it’s shrinking. But it’s not going away or anything cool like that. It’s more like Kronos being pushed into the deepest pit of Hades or when you’ve got dormant pneumonia sitting in your lungs. It’s still down there. Mike’s still scamming. All his “band of brothers” are still scamming. They can’t pull as much crap as they used to, but they’ll always pull just as much crap as society lets them get away with.

      Furry cows moo and decompress.

      1. @Wyrd, I think the reality is this has obviously all hit Mike hard, too. I mean the overall decline in IM/MMO sheeple who don’t know they’re being fleeced. It’s hurting ALL their businesses. @Salty and crew are definitely having their effect.

        What’s going on here is — he’s fucking SCARED. He’s especially scared that this apparently has hit him at a time when he’s no longer at his peak financially. It sounds like he’s a man with a huge revenue stream that’s being eaten up constantly by an also-huge staff and support structure.

        When times get tough for most businesses — you let some people go, down-size and hope to make it through. With Mike’s current situation, he’s now facing a double-slam…a decline in “easy money” and not really much other way to get it at a time when he’s going to have to face doing less himself, which means relying on that infra-structure even more to keep things rolling.

        I want him to survive the cancer. It’s not nearly as satisfying when a scammer dies and we don’t get to see the perp-walk.

        Here’s the deal on Mike, folks: he’s a talented guy. He’s excellent at video production and being “on-camera.” But — he’s not “brilliant” or “exciting” or “unique” enough to make it in that world and doesn’t want to spend his whole life producing C-grade movies (has anyone seen his film production credits…wow…low-low-low budget junk) and playing bit parts in films because, honestly, as good as he is, he’s NOT at ALL good enough to compete in that arena.

        So — he went where mediocre is good enough, SOME skill shines like a beacon and his talents are head-and-shoulders above most OTHERs in the field — IM/MMO.

        THIS is Mike Koenigs’ story. His REAL “why.”

        1. @Head Honcho,

          That all makes a lot of sense. It has the ring of really, real truth instead of the flashy fake-truth hucksters wallow in ad nauseum.

          He still didn’t have to choose that life though. He didn’t have to stick with producing C-grade movies or acting in bit parts. Except maybe he’s sociopathic so maybe he didn’t have much choice. I dunno.

          1. @Wyrd, Totally — he could have chosen another path. Most HONEST people work within their limitations.

            It’s sad really. If he had chosen to STICK with the movie/acting thing, he would have moved up. But — it’s HARD FREAKING WORK.

            Mikey don’ likey hard work.

            So he chose flimming and flamming with his talents instead.

            1. @Head Honcho,

              Mikey isn’t the only IMer to hold or dabble in or leave a really cool job.

              Andy Jenkins produces horror movies.
              Dave Navarro worked on flight simulators at Lockheed Martin.
              Brendon Burchard was a consultant at Accenture.
              Grant Shapps is a member of Parliament and the Tory party chairman.

              I think this is an interesting area to explore. Why is it never enough with them? With Dave, there seemed to be a turning point. It was enough, and then it wasn’t. How does that happen? Why?

              I’ve mentioned before that your dream job is still a job. It comes with all the job BS, like showing up every day. In artsy fields like movies and music, there are only a few dozen big stars, but there are thousands of people who make their livings doing what they love. And those industries are brutally competitive and require hard work.

              Perhaps they feel caught between that reality and their delusions of grandeur. Maybe if they can convince a few hundred subscribers that they are sought-after experts, that will ease the melancholy desperation of being just like the other 7 billion people on this planet.

            2. @Lana,

              I personally think it’s the part about working hard. Showing up every day.

              Hey — I work for myself. I keep my own hours. I “show up” when I decide to. It’s creative work. Very satisfying. I could make more working harder but I work as hard as I choose and make plenty.

              THIS is living the dream.

              BUT…to make the level of money Mikey and friends makes doing what they do requires a LOT of work and luck and continual effort always trying to out-do yourself.

              I could make an asston of money doing what I do for unsophisticated people who have no real need for what I do — even teaching them they can, too. But I know they can’t, too, necessarily. And I’m more interested in and satisfied by *doing* what I do, not teaching it to others.

              Mikey and crew don’t get that. They have ambitions beyond their capability to work hard to develop the necessary “stand-out” skills that make what they do work. They’re impatient and immature souls who want it NOW and feel entitled to get it — to the point that anything they decide to do to get that money is fine.

            3. @Lanna,

              Why is it never enough with them?


              When someone demonstrates their values in behaviour that shows their true values are very different from those claimed or given lip service, the behaviour is the more reliable indicator of what is going on.

  6. I think I can speak for a fair number of regular readers of this blog when I say that I’m genuinely hopeful that Mike recovers from his bout with cancer. The guy reeks of being a filthy fuckhead, and this blog post is a shining example of WHY anyone with half a brain and some common sense could easily be persuaded to believe Mike reeks of being a filthy fuckhead. But… at the end of the day, I don’t think we want to see Mike swallowed into the Earth… felled at his scamming prime by cancer.

    1. @Alejandro ::

      If cancer wins … it’s sad. If Mike wins to scam another day … it’s sad.

      So I’m ambivalent.

      1. @SD, profit from misery. How original! I wish I had the gull to profit not only from my diseases, my kid’s disease and my uncle’s. After all I just got the big C, except I have a band aid on it because that is how you treat cuts.

        1. @Neil, not sure he would pick arsehole cancer – not really brand building is it – or maybe not, breast cancer has a big bunch of people rooting for it. Got a brown ribbon handy?

          1. @Naked Chicken,

            If he is faking it for the sympathy sales it makes sense to pick arsehole cancer as it is acknowledged to have easily the highest cure and eventual survival rate.

            So after a decent interval he can claim he is healed and carry on frauding–probably coming out with a new range of cancer cure and cancer diet ebooks, seminars and masterminds. He might even do a Trudeau and set up a secret pyramid society of enlightened masters with their fingers on the nitty gritty of cancer care.

          2. @Naked Chicken,

            If nhe is faking it for the sympathy sales it makes sense to pick arsehole cancer as it is acknowledged to have easily the highest cure and survival rate.

            Which would mean that after a decent interval he can do business as usual, claim he is healed and promote a new range of cancer cure and cancer diet ebooks, seminars and masterminds. He might even do a Trudeau and set up a secret pyramid society for unending levels of training for ordinary folks to learn to be masters of cancer care.

          3. @Naked Chicken,

            If he is faking it for the sympathy sales it makes sense to pick arsehole cancer as it is acknowledged to have easily the highest cure and survival rate.

            Which would mean that after a decent interval he can do business as usual, claim he is healed and promote a new range of cancer cure and cancer diet ebooks, seminars and masterminds. He might even do a Trudeau and set up a secret pyramid society for unending levels of training for ordinary folks to learn to be masters of cancer care.

        2. @Neil, He was bleeding from his butt in the fall of 2011? But his twitter account shows quite a bit of activity in Sep, Oct and Nov of 2011. In November, he was pushing his weight loss diet. In January of 2012 he making videos with Tim Ferriss and speaking at Tony Robbins business mastery event… In March, he is speaking in Australia… In April he was on TV and pitching for his wife… In May doing live webinars… most people bleeding would scale back a bit it seems…

          It is true that in June he was quiet… but in July he is back, and one could argue he isn’t active, but then in August he is back on stage with Frank Kern… eating jalopenos in September… Etc. etc. etc. That is a mighty quick recovery from Stage 3 cancer and any surgery plus chemo it may have entailed. Not saying it couldn’t happen.

          Another thing… why does it take several months to get a colonoscopy? These are routine tests and if cancer is suspected, no doctor would allow a patient to wait that long. It is interesting that he doesn’t mention if it was Stage 3A, 3B, or 3C. And when exactly was the surgery. He says he looks older, but you can see from the picture, he looks exactly the same as he did before.

          Just saying… it is true that the details are sparse. he probably did have cancer but I would not be surprised if he is exaggerating its severity. If not, it seems he was very lucky.

          1. @Regrets ::

            Well keep in mind that I’ve only very lightly sampled from :: literally … 20 pages of him talking about himself. He went into all kinds of obsessive details … I’ll bet I was one of the few to actually read the whole stupid boring thing.

            He actually gave the full name :: 3A (3AT3N1) … and size of the tumor. Dates and times of the surgeries :: names of everyone on the treatment team … and there were pictures which I thought about using but didn’t.

            If I’d have just seen the sales stuff I’d have assumed that he was lying. But these letters were top-shelf examples of narcissism gone wild … it would take a magnificent amount of talent to fake such a completely without self awareness response.

            1. @SD,

              It’s not that surprising that Mike has turned to the pen to deliver his undeniably narcissistic “most significant public admission” ever.

              It must be difficult to do video when the hole he usually speaks from has a tumor stuck in it.

              His recent email to me is a clear indication that his pen brings out the crazy in him.

              Not only did this self important gas bag call Steve Jobs a retard (although he was silly for choosing woo over real medicine and surgery),he also thought it was a good idea to call his prospects pests, if they were offended by the fact that he was using his cancer to market his latest frauduct.

              Here’s an excerpt from a recent email I received from him: “And if that level of authenticity and rawness offends or pushes you away, then I am not the right person to help you. And I’m ok with that. Great marketing attracts the right people and repels “the pests.”

              So to summarize:
              The man who built the worlds largest company deserves to be called a retard, because he was taken in by woo peddlers when he was in the most irrational, fear induced mindset of his truly impactful life. (a little bit like how the syndicate sells INSTANT UNICORNS to people deeply in debt and looking for a way out)

              And people who don’t agree with your “I have cancer, so you have to buy my stuff” strategy are pests that you want to repel.

              Well you’ve convinced me Mike, your equation is air tight:
              Steve jobs is a retard + my prospects are pests = Mike Koenigs is a great marketing genius that I should listen to and get out the ol’ check book for.

              Steve Jobs must be turning in his grave. Can you imagine how many iphones and macbooks he would have sold if he had access to Mikes secret, underground, “I have cancer” super sales system? Billions of dollars missed out on.

            2. @SD,
              Its not surprising that Mike turned to the pen for his latest yawn inducing, narcissistic rant.

              It’s hard to do a long video when you have a tumor stuck in the hole you usually speak from.

              It truly sickens me when he calls Steve Jobs a retard for choosing the advice of woo peddlers over scientific proven solutions, in his most irrational fear induced state of mind.

              Of course Mike and the syndicate would never market to people in desperate situations to get money. All of their clients are debt free and in a logical state of mind when they receive emails from Mike about his latest push button, instant customer system(-;

              After all, you’d have to be a retard to think that there’s some miracle internet system that floods your bank account over night, right?

              Well as it turns out the pen really brings out the crazy in Mike.

              Here’s a recent email I received from him where he basically states that anybody who feels uncomfortable with his “I have cancer so you have to buy my stuff strategy” is a pest.

              Email excerpt from Koenig: “And if that level of authenticity and rawness offends or pushes you away, then I am not the right person to help you. And I’m ok with that. Great marketing attracts the right people and repels “the pests.”

              When I read this I thought;Is this guy for real? What a fucking asshole.

              I guess the biggest loser in all of this is Steve Jobs.

              Can you imagine how many iphones and macbooks Jobs could have sold, if only he had access to Koeninigs underground “I have cancer, so you have to buy my shit or your a pest marketing system?”

              I guess Jobs just wasn’t meant to have the type of success Koenigs is destined for.

            3. @SD,
              Sorry… left essentially the same comment twice. I didn,t think it posted the first time because it said the gateway timed out.

            4. @SD, sorry, I stand corrected. With shitweasels I tend to assume they are lying or exaggerating, then check facts later. It’s a coping mechanism I suppose.

    2. @Alejandro,
      Well…at the risk of being called callous. The less of the type of vermin that is Koenigs exist, the better off planet Earth is, so I can’t agree with you. The ideal is he finds ethics and survives but I’m a realist and if the option is…he lives to defraud the vulnerable one more day, or, he dies and doesn’t, I know which side of that wish I am on.

      1. @G., There is something incredibly dark about a person who gets cancer – normally a terrifying and humbling experience – and chooses to spend their possibly diminished remaining time continuing to scam others.

  7. This part is the fun-est

    How I’m Going to Make Some Money…

    I’m going to do the one thing I do really well.

    Another damn product launch.

    This one is called “Author Expert Marketing Machines” – and it’ll generate enough cash to last until next year. At this point, I can do product launches in my sleep and my good friends in the “business” have all agreed to promote the new product.

    I’m mega-curious to know who his target audience was on this one. It seems a lot more truth-y than his obviously fake sales pitch about a Magnum Opus to his sheeple-victim-customers. But with sociopaths, they basically always lie all the time. They’re almost never not lying. All that changes is the quality and degree of lie-i-ness and that depends on the needs of the sociopath at that moment and disposition of the person they’re speaking to.

    And now, non sequitur-ishly… The colorectal surgeon song
    Colorectal surgeon Song

    We praise the colorectal surgeon
    Misunderstood and much maligned
    Slaving away in the heart of darkness
    Working where the sun don’t shine …

    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  8. As a special bonus for the month of October, which happens to be Breast Cancer Awareness Month, that legit cancer healer the little robot mentions seems to favor the pink shirts and ties. Bernd prolly wouldn’t like that association, though, for several reasons, most notably because the pink theme was invented by the mainstream cancer industry that Bernd so loathes.

  9. While I certainly do not relish in anyone’s misery or illness, karma has come to bite Mike in the rear. Whether he will learn from this and make some positive changes or not, is yet to be seen. Would not like to see anyone suffer and be in pain, but some people, at some point in their life really cannot experience the lessons they need to learn any other way. All the money in the world can’t help you now.

  10. Perhaps I’m too cynical but, is there any proof that the “cancer” is real?

    Maybe it’s just that I’ve seen too many plays for sympathy from various web scamsters through the years.

      1. @G.,

        That word picture of him on the throne with blood and ‘fleshy bits’ coming out….
        enuf said already.

  11. Oh Dear!

    Mike really needs to get a hold of my ass-turd son, Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein, for a copy of his ‘Fingering Healing’ program.

    I’m sure Schlubby will give him a discount, with sales of ‘Fingering Healing’ being in the shitter and all.

    Maybe Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein will even pay a house call to Mike for some personal Fingering Healing instruction, and then they can watch The Secret together and imagine themselves being successful, wealthy and handsome (good luck!)

    What a couple of ass clowns.

    Mother Kilstein

    1. @Mother Kilstein, After they watch “The Secret”, they could follow it up with “Hungry for Change” and maybe “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”. I’m sure former Budweiser girl, Kris Carr would be happy to share some of her cancer beating woo.

      1. @Anna,

        I googled Kris Carr and was appropriately horrified.

        I found a video promo for her documentary “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. It’s kinda alarming how the woo gets around. I’ve got no problem with someone needing some sort of thing to latch on to with a cancer diagnosis. I mean, if that horrible diagnosis should ever befall me, I might wind up doing some seemingly bizarre stuff. Maybe it’ll be time to pick up yoga, whatever.

        In the trailer, buried in amongst the M.D.s was a Ph.D. named Robert Young. And the title tells us he’s a microbiologist and the author of “the pH Miracle”. I knew there was something up with the dude the moment he said “You can’t solve the problem of disease if you’re constantly dealing with the symptom. You have to get with the cause.” It sounds just like Coldwell. There might probably be a lot more scammitude in there. But I’m gonna have to just go for the one right now.

        According to Quack Watch:

        Youngs “private retreats,” which currently cost $9990, are said to include “personal live and dried blood microscopy, preceded by an in-depth health history including developing an understanding of the physical, social, psychological, medical, and pharmaceutical components of a person’s life.” [6] Young promises to “personally oversee each activity for the day which may include: history, microscopy, supplements, water and ionization, exercise, lymphatic massage, cooking, food preparation, colonics and other health programs.” His findings are then provided in a 35-page blood microscopy report plus a recommended program and a three-month supply of supplements and other products he created. There are also group retreats that cost from $400 to $15,000, depending on the length and setting.

        $9990 and you’ll massage my lymph nodes!? Awesome! No, but seriously, at least there’s probably no fire walks or sweat lodges.

        So we’ve got some scamminess just right there in the trailer. And it really bugs me. Because I would love to have some positive inspirational stuff now and then. If I had cancer, I would need all the inspiration I could get. But could we please just have the inspiration “woo free”? Could we have that. I mean we’ve got milk at whole, 2% and skim, can’t we have the same thing with our inspirational messages? That’s all I’m asking for.

        Furry cows moo and decompress.

        1. @Wyrd,

          Ah, here we go. I only needed to search just a bit farther

          At the start of this video that will teach us all the wonders of tapping/EFT, we have testimoanials from Joe Vitale, Bob Proctor, Jack Canfield (chicken soup series), and a few other people with titles including the word “coach”. I could look them up, but it would be depressing.

          Also, EFT can apparently help you with anything. Including but not limited to “Making more money”, “Losing weight”, “Releasing physical pain”, and “Creating the perfect relationship”.

          Ok, but will it clean my windows?

          Of course changing one’s habits is important and useful. But I’m not willing to accept that these scammer types have some special seekrit method that makes habit changing easier or automatic.

          Furry cows moo and decompress.

  12. Yes, we all agree here, that no one wishes ill to a cancer patient. Bell well Mike, and heal.

    But now . . . when you read Mike’s material you really see how twisted this guy is.

    His anti-Steve Jobs rants is really curious, for example.

    This was a very interesting post—with a lot of TMI.

    The more I read this blog, the more I come to suspect that none of the fraudsters featured here will: 1. ever change. 2. ever be happy

    I feel that all the IM sociopaths believe that through their scamming they will find happiness: money + fans.

    But that’s not how it works.

    In the path of destruction they create—expertly destroying the lives of their victims; it seems that they all end up destroying the one person they care the most in the world: themselves.

    And this . . . is pure irony.

  13. His syndicate buddy, Perry Belcher (another form of asshole), may have some magic pills that might help Koenigs. He could always ask for a refund if they don’t work. He’d better hurry though, because there are only a few slots left.

    1. @Jack,
      Tim Ferriss is a serious douche. My personal wish is that at some point I get given the option to do a single UFC style round with him at some point in some dojo/gym in the world. And then I will blog profusely about how I kicked the living shit out of a “world champion martial artist”.

  14. SD you missed the rest of the quote:

    You wrote:
    “Trust me when I say this, I am not going to get used to someone pushing metal objects up my butt.”
    You missed:
    “I’m more in tune with shoving unicorn horns up other peoples’ butts.”

  15. So, Koenigs’ asshole (redundant perhaps?) may soon turn into his own personal “Traffic Geyser.” Here’s a catchy little ditty he can sing along with while he’s spraying around the Febreze:

    (*)Disclaimer: The results depicted are atypical, and do not represent what the average person can expect to erupt from their ass.

  16. I always thought the C WORD to Mike Koenigs was CASH, or CREDIT CARD?

    This Author Experts Marketing Machine is just the same old hard to use Traffic Geyser and Instant Customer bundled with what I’m guessing is
    some modified WordPress Plug-In that he bought for a few hundred dollars.

    I think this is probably a quick cash/cancer grab and not some Magnus Opus.

    Koenigs just keeps putting a knew face on the same poorly running web apps/software..

    He claims on his website he is Marketer of the Year, but never quotes his credible source. Here it is some crappy bogus publishing company who has ZERO credibility, and has a conflict of interest since he does business with them anyways.

    Mike Koenigs Receives Marketer of the Year Award from Maryellen Tribby

    Agora Publishing Early to Rise gives Mike Koenigs provides his acceptance speech for the Marketer of the Year Award

    That why he never says the “Agora Publishing Marketer of the Year Award”.

    That’s as bad as when SONY pictures used to use fake Movie Reviewer Quotes on their Movie Trailer Commercials a few years back.

    Koneigs Marketer of the Year….SCAMMER of the YEAR!

    1. @K-Negs, It’s a time-tested-proven-credibility-builder, from:

      “The Millionaire on the Beach: The Language of Get-Rich-Quick Plans” (Originally published in Etc.: A Review of General Semantics, 47 (1990), pp. 239-248)

      “Some promoters invent imposing organizations to lend credibility to their products. Christ Steele, for example, claims that his plan has precociously been named the “Best Money-Making Program of the 1990’s” by the “Consumer Wealth Research Institute,” whose anonymous president is cited in his ads as saying “If you can’t become a millionaire with this program, you can’t become a millionaire at all.””

    2. @K-Negs,

      Yeah also the quality on that video was crap. Far too much background noise and the angle forces us to look up at the podium at a very awkward angle.

  17. Stats that can be supplied by Koenigs as per their FTC statement that he claims he is still compiling data. (LOL)

    Koenigs can easily supply stats to potential buyers about success rates of his products

    1.) Customer retention
    How many long term customers keep paying monthly for their Traffic Geyser or Instant Customer Memberships? I bet less than 1% stay and love it.

    What is the average length that a customer keeps/pays monthly for Traffic Geyser?

    What percentage of customers have submited less than 10 videos to Traffic Geyser or SEND/RECEIVE less than 100 text messages using Instant Customer?

    This may not show a success rate but it will probably show a 90% plus rate of users who where over whelmed and never got out of the gate.

    Koenigs is a little greedy and wants recurring billing so he ties in monthly fees and use of his product so it is easy to quantify what percentage are failures since they never submit videos or stop paying.

    Kern teaches you some stuff but doesn’t get involved in implementation so has no way of quantifying whether you failed or not.


    Well hey out of 1,000 buyers, he has maybe 5 people up on stage who were salesman to begin withare making a small paycheck. So I’m sure anyone else can be successful. HaHa.

  18. I bought FirePower and then Main Street Marketing Machines and never got my
    iPhone App generator.

    I emailed them and called them and kept getting the run around.

    Thousands of people paid thousands of dollars and then were not able to make any money with the iPhone App generator.

    And Instant Customer sends out an “Opt In” text before working. So it doesn’t seem very organic anymore. It seems like you are going to get spammed and they don’t opt in.

    At first I thought maybe Koenigs was mentioning his charity because he was a good guy, but after mentioning Cancer for a PITY purchase, I know this is all a facade. His charity is just the cost of doing business in order to close more sales and to keep his wife out of his hair running it.

    I have a charity, I have cancer, I am your friend, buy my $2K frauduct even though its junk and I’ll start escalating/upselling you a few months later. Oh by the way if you want to eat lunch with me or go to dinner with me at my live event it will cost you $500 or more. And hey give me $125,000 for my mastermind and you can spend 90% of any face time with my flunky minions Paul Colligan and Pam Hendrickson.

    ****Wait until Koenigs makes all the buyers of Author Expert Marketing Machines then buy Make Market Launch. Since you need to know how to pitch your product also.

    ****And if you don’t buy Author Expert Marketing Machines this week through one of his affiliates, don’t worry he’ll send you a separate email a month later saying he has some “factory refurb”, returns that he can’t sell as new, so hell by pass paying his affiliate and sell you one for half price.

    ***Koenigs screwed all the people who bought Cross Channel Mojo as Guinea Pigs by making them buy IC Revolution for another $1,500. So they ended up spending over $3,900 to get what he later sold for $997 as a bullshit lie “factory refurb” since he must have not screwed enough people during the initial launched.

    That line that Koenigs talks about that he says he try’s not to cross has been destroyed by him. He is way over the line.

    He got rid of his partners, Rocket Helstrom and Frank Sousa. They were probably dead weight but now he is probably cash poor from buying them out and has no checks and balances or partners to answer to when he goes on his cancer pity pitches.

    1. @Cool Again, What? You don’t like the sassy “let-me-look-in-the-second-camera” move?

      I think you’re being very difficult. This screams professional TV, right there.

      The energy of this guy IS so contagious . . . can’t you feel it?

  19. Thanks again, Salty!

    Your persistence at exposing marketing assholes is priceless.

    I appreciate your candid humor and hilarious writing style!

    Thanks again,

  20. For his prior launch:
    Instant Customer Revolution
    which was the exact same thing as
    Cross Channel Mojo

    He included a best of box DVD package and
    printout out of some of his old materials. He would
    Ship these to you a week after you paid so if you then
    wanted a refund you would have to get off your ass and
    mail this box of crap back.

    This is what he claimed had to be refurbished.
    A box of DVDs and a ream of paper print outs.

    I’m sure this box of stuff cost about $100 to have his fulfillment house
    make and send out.

    It was just a lie to by pass his affiliates and sell direct and to sell
    the same product for half the price his existing customers paid.

    (5 months of Traffic Geyser and Instant Customer)
    Plus training. The training is what he charges thousands
    of dollars extra for and then after your training is over
    you then have to start paying $200 a month for his hard
    to use Traffic Geyser Software and clunky Instant Customer.

    Cross Channel Mojo training was horrible.
    And it was all training by Paul Cool Again Cooligan and not Koenigs.

    ****Now here is where/why Koenigs sucks!****
    He realizes Cross Channel Mojo videos suck and uses feedback
    to make the videos the right way in Instant Customer

    But instead of giving existing Mojo Customers(who paid $2,200 each) a free upgrade
    he only gives them $500 off the $2,000 Instant Customer Revolution.
    And if they signed up under an affiliate the affiliate got zero Commision from this adfotionsl sale.

    Then he later fires sales “refurbs” (that are really brand new) for $997.

    And that is where Koenigs went even further over the line than normal.

    He also sees nothing wrong with lying by saying we are sold out and then
    opening the doors back up for a day saying we looked and had a few people who
    signed up twice and we have a few extra spots left but you must sign up today.

    He does this for every launch, it’s a scarcity tactic taught by Jeff Walker in his
    Product Launch Formula.

    It’s a planned lie and tactic that he uses right from the start of your business
    relationship with them. How can you trust a liar from the start?

    These info marketers are all sort of entertaining likable confidence men who know over
    90% of the people will be totally overwhelmed by their software and not use it.

    My friend got ripped off and had to by both.

  21. Maybe Mike Koenigs is ratcheting up his bullshit hustle so he can afford to buy himself and his ego one of these beauties:

    1. Oh, come on! The above video was a totally deserved response for someone who HAS NO FUCKING PROBLEM TAKING MONEY FROM YOU OR YOUR FAMILY and selling them bullshit, using their very last breath. And, taking advantage of CANCER as a selling tool!

      Remember, the people featured on this site don’t respond to your good taste, conventional pleas for ethical behavior, OR LAWS!

      Sometimes, you have to SHAKE IT UP, even if makes you wince a little.

      Or…continue living with the status quo. Let’s not!


    So here’s the $1,997 sales page.

    So he offers his existing Instant Customer Revolution members who just paid
    $2,000 a few months a go a price of $997 but they don’t get 3 months of Instant Customer
    And Traffic Geyser($199x 3 month=$597) included at the discount price.
    So that means the $1,997 is really only worth $1,400. So he existing customers are only getting $400
    Off, that would normally be paid to the affiliate upon renewal but Koenigs
    Screws his affiliates out of renewals.

    And they he has an upswell for special training that cost
    Several thousand more.

    Then he will try to sell you video production. And make market launch for thousands.

  23. Since this post is one of those listed in the “James Arthur Ray” category, I’ll use it to remind people that today, October 8, is the three-year anniversary of Ray’s fake and fatal “sweat lodge” in Sedona.

    We will not forget.

  24. I just wonder why people don’t complain more.

    I think they spread and drip all the content beyond 30 days. In the first 30 days they over deliver with lots of fluffy easy content that you usually don’t have enough time to watch so that after 30 days when you can’t return they then over deliver with hours upon hours of video. Now you feel like its your fault since you didn’t watch all their lame videos or if you did watch them you feel stupid because you can’t figure out their clunky software.

    But it’s truly that their stuff does not work and they never give you any white labeled sales videos or nice brochures. Their white labelled promotional stuff does not work.

  25. This just in…

    “I’m sure you’ve heard about Author Expert Marketing Machines from everybody lately. Seriously, everyone (and I mean everyone) is talking about this program. I guarantee that this Thanksgiving, your Cousin’ Goober will be talking about it … and so will Aunt Maude … and so will Uncle Elmer (just after he gets putting out the fryer-fire).

    No, I’m serious.

    Ok…maybe I’m kidding about Cousin Goober. But anyone who knows what’s been happening online knows:

    1. The game has changed.
    2. It’s changed in our favor.
    3. We now own the media.
    4. Anyone…can become a star and share their message with the world.

    It all comes down to this:

    – You want to get paid for your knowledge instead of your time
    – You want to be recognized for your talents, accomplishments, and expertise and double, triple, or quintuple your income
    – You want to become competition and recession-proof

    And, most likely, you’ve been selling your time as a professional for 5, 10, 20 or maybe even 30 years. Maybe it’s been rewarding, but…it’s still “trading time for money”… You want and need leverage, freedom, control and financial independence, right?

    Author Expert Marketing Machines is the culmination of 21 years of work in Hollywood and as an online marketing and media expert. There has never been a time like this where the door is so open for people like me and you to become famous in our niches.

    And everyone is talking about this product.

    But don’t take my word for it.

    I am hosting a live webcast this Thursday where I’ll pull back the curtain on Author Expert Marketing Machines system. (I’ll show you all the “goodies”.)

    Here is the link to the webcast

    I’ll also have some special guests on the webcast. They’re customers who have actually used the system and love to share what they are actually doing to become stars online. Some of these folks you know (like New York Times #1 best-selling authors); some you don’t. They are ALL sharing their message just like you can.

    You will also see and hear about all the amazing tools and resources found in Author Expert Marketing Machines including the sacred “Instant Publishing Machine.”

    Here are a few things we will cover on the webcast – and who you will meet…

    First, we’ll go step-by-step through real-world strategies on how to promote yourself and your brand. This includes:
    — Creating Your Hook & Story
    — Creating Your Positioning Content, Bio and Platform
    — Building Your Online Presence: Website, Blog, Social Media
    — And Creating Your Videos to Establish Credibility and Get Found Online.

    Then, you’ll meet Emma Tiebens. Prior to meeting me and using Traffic Geyser, Emma was a struggling network marketer, who was lost in the sea of technology. Now she is a Speaker, Amazon Best Selling Author and a well-known Brand Marketing Strategist. (Emma has almost 300 videos on YouTube and she’ll show you how she did that!)

    You will get Instant Publishing tips like:
    — My 5-Step Mini-Book Creation Formula
    — How to Publish Your Book Using Amazon KDP
    — How to Create Your Author Page on Amazon KDP
    — How to Create Your 1-Page Book Selling Page
    — And How to Create Your Mini PR Kit

    You’ll get Product Creation strategies like:
    — How to Use the 5-Step Content Creation Formula
    — How to Create Your Instant Sales Page
    — How to Create Your Instant Membership Site
    — How to Create Your Physical (On-Demand) Product
    — And How to Create & Implement Your Upsell Strategy

    You’ll discover how to Promote and Build Your List with strategies like:
    — How to Set Up Your Instant List-Builder Campaign
    — How to Set Up Your Crowd-Grabber Campaign
    — How to Promote Using the Social Power Channel System
    — How to Promote Your Book
    — And How to Promote Your Product

    You’ll hear from a couple who already profited from Author Expert Marketing Machines even before they received the Product!

    — You will Master the Inner Game and Learn how to Become a Bestselling Author and Recognized Expert with New York Times best-selling author John Assaraf .
    — You will discover how to Build Relationships with Affiliates and Other Experts during our exclusive interview with Arielle Ford.
    — We’ll have raffles, Q&A, and a whole lot of fun, so don’t miss it!

    Seriously, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by watching this webcast.

    So go register immediately because it will be very full.

    Talk soon,
    Mike Koenigs

    P.S. I will also be answering everyone’s questions during the webcast. This system is my life’s work – everything I have done has been leading to this. It’s just that good.”

    P.P.S. I have cancer.

    1. @Jack, When he says “everyone” is “talking about” his latest b.s., that must translate to “his affiliates.” I would prefer that “everyone” also includes, “state attorneys generals.”

      Maybe his next autoresponder message will include a copy of one of his x-rays as a teaser for the “full x-ray set” that you can get as a “fast action bonus.”

    2. @Jack, Mike Koenigs owns the media? Did he finally get a real job at Comcast, News Corp, Viacom or Time Warner?!! Oh wait, does he mean he’s recommending Internet marketers should invest in shares of real media companies (you know to save for retirement and whatnot)?!! So confusing!

    1. @Bleep-Bloop-Song-Guy ::

      I’m most offended by the fact that they used a Black Eyed Peas song … I didn’t deserve that.

      1. Yeah, especially since, according to Connie Joy, that stupid cliche of a song was the one that was playing loudly during a James Arthur “Death” Ray pep rally on October 17, the day that Liz Neuman died. Ray was standing on stage clapping and dancing and urging the audience members (who were still dazed from the news of the deaths) to do the same.

        I hate that song.

    2. Nobody needs a psych degree to realize that video means two things: someone is obsessed with SD, but, more importantly, SD is WINNING. Sweet!

    3. @Bleep-Bloop-Song-Guy,

      Not impressed.

      Amidst the many fallacious statements and poorly-rhymed lines in this “parody”, at 1:11 they use a screenshot of Alexa data for to show that SD’s “rank is dissipating”.

      SD’s Real Alexa stats are here:

      Not as dismal as suggested. Just sayin’.

      That and, why is it that the vast majority of the attacks they come up with revolve around homophobia and speculations about male genitalia?

      If memory of humor relative to age serves me correctly, that should mark the makers of the video as males somewhere in early middle school, or maybe they could be slow-to-develop high schoolers.

      What did the t-shirt in the video say? “Act your age, not your dick size.”

      Yes, I think that was it. Hmm. That’s actually pretty good advice.

      Perhaps I misunderstood this video altogether. I now realize that it was not a “parody” of SD, but rather a parody of itself by mocking the mindset of the people who make these piece of sh*t videos.

      Now I am impressed. That twist of irony really shows quite the streak of genius.

    4. @Bleep-Bloop-Song-Guy, What’s wrong with liking Star Trek and chess? Nerds are cool…nerd-haters drool!

    5. Totally love the internet-that was awesome. Before you go marking down you have to realise that to raise enough ire from an individual you must be hitting some major pain points. I hope to see MORE creativity like that above.

  26. The launch was so successful that Mike forgot to mention how this frauduct is also a super awesome bizness opportunity :: one which doesn’t conform to the California rules … natch.

    You probably already know this, but we are on the heels of our wildly successful Author Expert Marketing Machines launch.

    One of the questions I have been getting a lot this is:

    “Mike, can I use your system AS A CONSULTANT to make money helping other authors, speakers, or coaches share their message and grow their platform.”

    The answer: YES!

    In fact, some of our members have already made money and have checks in hand from Author Expert Marketing Machines… and it’s only been available for less than 2 weeks! (By the way, is this a “typical result”? No, actually it’s not. Most people don’t take action and therefore, they don’t get any results. These folks took fast action…and they are reaping the benefits.)

    Because this is such a hot topic, this Tuesday, I am hosting a webinar called:

    “How to Become a Highly-Paid Consultant Helping Others Share Their Message.”

    Over the last 5 years, I have been secretly using my system and tools to help a bunch of NY Times Bestselling Authors, experts, consultants, speakers and coaches over the past decade including Tony Robbins, Tim Ferriss, Debbie Ford, Brendon Burchard, Brian Tracy, Harvey Mackay, Arielle Ford, John Assaraf, Dan Kennedy and many more.

    Now, I am going public with my tools, training, and my formula for success.

    And here is why – authors, speakers, consultants, coaches and experts all over the world ask me to help them build marketing campaigns and promotions. And I honestly don’t have the time, nor is it my core business.

    That’s where you come in.

    These experts need you … and they are willing to pay you to help them.

    All you need is the right system – the right tools.

    And that’s what we’re going to cover on the call.

    Plus, when you register for the free webinar, you’ll also receive the latest version of my new #1 best-selling book, “Author Expert Marketing Machines.” (NOTE – I used my system and my tools to write this book in 2 weeks and to get it to #1 in 2 days.)

    Here’s how to get in on this free webinar:

    Date and Time:
    Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012
    Noon – 12:50 PM PDT
    1:00 PM – 1:50 PM MDT
    2:00 PM – 2:50 PM CDT
    3:00 PM – 3:50 PM EDT

    Register here

    The webinar shows you how you can…

    – Make money as a consultant helping others share their message.
    – Turn authors and experts into paying clients by growing their platform. (Think continuity income.)
    – PLUS, I’ll be sharing real-life case-studies of people like you who are making money as consultants using Author Expert Marketing Machines.

    This webinar will be nothing like you have seen before. So, be sure to enroll now…then print the confirmation page and set a reminder. (You do NOT want to miss this call – it’s going to be LIVE and I’ll be answering all your questions.)

    Here’s how to get in on this free webinar:

    Date and Time:
    Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012
    Noon – 12:50 PM PDT
    1:00 PM – 1:50 PM MDT
    2:00 PM – 2:50 PM CDT
    3:00 PM – 3:50 PM EDT

    Register here

    I’ll see you on Tuesday!


    PS – You already know that the online game has changed. Amazon currently sells 80% of all books and 20% of those are downloadable books. I will show you to leverage all this to for maximum success and how to use this “on-demand” system to make money helping others.

    PPS – this ISN’T about “publishing books” or “making money with Kindle” or some other hypey, “get rich” or some other kind of nonsense. This is about building a real business helping real people build their business and visibility.

    PPPS – you’ll also find out how you can use my sales tools and systems yourself to promote and market this system, tools and the service (it’s basically done-for-you sales, marketing and promotion systems)

    The Perpetual Relaunching System

    1. @SD,

      NOTE – I used my system and my tools to write this book in 2 weeks and to get it to #1 in 2 days.)

      “Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #103,685 in Books”

      1. @Sundog,

        Mike might claim that he didn’t hold the #1 rank very long since, in the real world, that can happen.

        I’d simply argue, non sequitur-ishly that the dude’s PP..S thing is very old, and I’d never use it on something where I want people to take me seriously.

        Furry cows moo and decompress.

    1. @Mike K-Negs,

      Here’s the “secret link”:

      They’ve learned from the Wright Institute to charge a $97 “seat deposit” for their “free” events.

      Speakers include my favorite gay scammer Brendon Burchard, Dean Lincoln Hyers, Karen Leland, Bo Eason, Paul Colligan, Pam Hendrickson, Brian Brushwood, Mike Koenigs (obviously), and Ed Rush.

      FAQ LOL

      I paid a $97 seat deposit for each ticket when I purchased Author Expert Marketing Machines. How and when will I get this back?
      When you check in at the event the registration staff will give you the option to either get your deposit(s) back at the end of the event on Sunday or to take a $150 voucher that will be good towards Traffic Geyser and Instant Customer related products and services such as transcription credits, points and more.

      Is food, coffee, lunch included?
      No, food is not provided from for this event. There will be water stations in the room and lunch breaks each day. The hotel has several restaurants and coffee carts on site.

      Is internet provided?
      Please note we will not be providing internet access in the meeting space so bring your broadband card if you plan to be online during the seminars.

  27. On top of that when you go to a Koneigs Event to get your $97 back:
    1.) You have to wait until the last day of the event, just showing up is not enough.
    2.) Mike Koenig’s wife comes out and asks you to donate it to their charity(and Koenigs will match it)
    3.) Or you get $150 towards one of Mike Koenigs’ old obsolete frauducts.

    But they will give you a refund if you ask.

  28. These blog comments are full of real life losers who don’t have the talent to SELL anything. A guy gets cancer and you people harp on him because he is successful. That is the problem with this country. Nobody wants to work for what they get! Always looking for some quick fix. Success doesn’t happen by accident. So get off your non cancer ass and do the work…if you have the intellectual capacity to pull it off. See ya later losers!

      1. @Lanna, no scams here Lanna. 1st page of Google Local in less than 30 days or you get ya money back! Haven’t had to refund anyone as of yet. And I own a massage therapy business locally along with a dozen other businesses. I DO not sit on hater blogs and blast the shit out of people for going after their dreams. Sorry if your dreams have been crushed along the way but I’m sure it has more to do with you than anything else. I wish you the best…

        1. @Keith,

          1st page of Google Local in less than 30 days or you get ya money back! Haven’t had to refund anyone as of yet.

          Have you actually had any customers for this service yet? If so, how many?

          I DO not sit on hater blogs and blast the shit out of people for going after their dreams.

          Blasting people “for going after their dreams” is not the focus of this site.

          The focus of this site is to blast the shit out of people that make a living peddling in unicorn-laden false hope. It’s a really bad gig. So, you come here, of all the places on the internets and you start commenting maybe without really doing your homework on how this site works or the vile scamming d-bag this article is about, and guess what? It kinda makes you look like one of the bad guys.

          Sorry if your dreams have been crushed along the way but I’m sure it has more to do with you than anything else. I wish you the best…

          Oh wow. You totally just went there, huh? You basically said “Sorry if things didn’t work out. But in that case it must’ve been totally your fault, @Lanna. Good luck with that.”

          That’s pretty harsh. And pretty stupid. So now, even if you are somehow not scamming people, you don’t seem like a very intelligent bidness person to me.

          This was not the linkback you were looking for.

          Furry cows moo and decompress.

    1. @Keith, actually, it’s moronic Scammy McScamster folks, like you and Mike, who are too stupid or lazy to make a living at a real job and prefer swindling the uniformed or desperate with “make money online” type cons who are a “problem” in any country.

      It doesn’t take much in the way of “intellectual capacity” to lie and cheat other people, just a lack of ethics and a working moral compass.

      But, you’re not bright, or honest, enough to understand that, are you?

      Anyway, rather than pestering your betters here with your foolishness, go back to whatever sleazy “make money online” blog or forum you and your intellectually impaired peers frequent and blather on there.

      1. @DGR, it is very true what they say, ‘misery loves company’. You say a ‘real job’? I say a ‘real business’. A business that works with or without me. That is freedom. I understand many folks are jaded because they don’t have what it takes to achieve that type of freedom. And rather than blame themselves they find someone or something else to blame! It is sad really. I wish the best for everyone and the human potential is beyond comprehension but most people don’t believe in themselves. To anyone who follows this blog…here’s my advice to you. Find a new place to hang out. Find a place that breeds productivity not pity. You can do anything you want in this life. Being around the people who hang out here is not the way to go. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. If it’s not happening for YOU, find some new, more successful friends to spend time with. Good luck to all!

        1. @Keith, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” That’s one of the things that the scammy, scummy Kevin Trudeau and his followers have been preaching for years. One of many examples quoting him on this:

          (Have you been drinking the GIN too, Keith?)

          But I gotta admit that your SEO service seems like a bargain at only $547 a month. I love the detailed explanation of the service on your web site:

          And the marketing service seems pretty impressive too. I like the way you carefully explain your range of services and their costs:

          Oh, where is that sarcasm font when one really needs it?

          I guess when you’re a busy, successful entrepreneur with a dozen or so businesses, you don’t have time to ‘splain on your web site exactly what it is you do. Explanations are for losers and non-productive people.

          1. @Cosmic Connie, He had practice with about-us for his old business Lanna told us about:

            which tells us verbatim:

            “I’ve been in the Mortgage Industry for 12 years. In 1998 I got a job as a Loan Officer working for a National Retail Lender. In 2002, I opened my own Mortgage Company. In 2006, I left the Origi”

            I don’t know what the Origi is, but I found something about the Origi Nation here which told me something about maybe it’s a way “to come or bring into being” so I think it means that mr. Carpenter left away from coming into being, but I’m not sure about it, because here he is again.

        2. @Keith,

          You know, my husband used to say the exact same stuff you do. I heard all about Achieving Freedom and The Five People You Know type of thing. Success was a word that was bandied about every day here, but I get the feeling you and I have different ideas of what success is.

          See, somewhere along the line, the 5 people that my husband spent all his time with – his family – became a lot less important than the Success that always seemed just out of reach. So he found 5 new people – well, really, at this point I think it’s just one – to become more like… Dave Believed himself right out the door.

          The New Place Dave decided to hang out ended up being far away from his wife, kids, co-workers, friends, family… all the people who had supported him his whole life. You’d think, living a life free from such petty distractions (like kids, or a nagging wife, or things like paying our mortgage – yes, he’s so successful that now our house is being foreclosed and the kids and I are about to be homeless!) would increase someone’s productivity, but I think you’d be surprised.

          The words you use – I get the feeling we define Success very differently. I feel successful if I maintain my morals and compassion and make $8 an hour. You may not consider yourself a scammer, but you certainly seem comfortable using the language of one.

        3. @Keith,

          That’s all cultspeak which you paid someone to stuff down your throat in the hope that if you repeat it often enough it will work.

          And this is classical cultspeak: “You can do anything you want in this life.” Bullshit. Complete and utter meaningless bullshit. If you want more substantial criticism than that, you’ll need to say something more substantial.

        4. @Keith ::

          Thanks for dropping by Keith Carpenter: liar :: poser … and fraud.

          Good luck with your delusions … I wish you the best.

    2. @Keith,

      These blog comments are full of real life losers

      No. The blog has a large proportion of comments of people who are sad or angry that they were sold on lies.

      (Being a high falutin’, high powered salesman yourself, you might know a thing or two about that.)

      But that’s not what all the comments are like. There’s also comments from such, ahem, fine, sterling examples of high powered salesmen just like you, @Keith. Salesmen who don’t really know a fucking thing about anything at all ever in the whole world–except how to convince people to believe in pretty things that aren’t true. I’m sorry to say, @Keith, that I do not think you are not even particularly good at the salesmanship {/lying} thing. So that makes you seem like a total and utter loser to me–the one thing you’re supposed to be good at? You’re not good at it.

      Furry cows moo and decompress.

      1. @Wyrd,

        I think Keith is a better salesman than you give him credit for because according to his LinkedIn his old business that worked with or without him and gave him freedom was a mortgage brokership – selling people the American Dream of homeownersexuality – whether it made sense for them or not. How’s that workin’ out, Keith?

  29. It takes a special type of person to take their ass, that is the venue of a cancer, and use it as a centerpiece for self promotion.

    I don’t think he knows how sick he really is.

  30. “I will not be a Steve Jobs…No real doubt about that.”

    I almost spit out a mouthful of coffee I laughed so hard at that comment.

    Please keep going. You’re hilarious and an important voice against the latest generation of snake oil salespeople. Shame really, the hurt and waste they cause in people’s lives. SD, it’s probably hard swimming upstream but know that you have many readers who are grateful. Cheers man…

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