Herbalife’s Mexican Laundromat



It’s not fucking good to speculate :: best leave that to the empty heads at the cable news networks … cause it’s kinda their jam. But sometimes a fake robot has gotta speculate :: because certain sorts of stories are almost impossible to tell without resorting to this tried and true journalistic formula …

“So-and-so says that what’s-his-name is guilty of blah blah blah.”

…  and those sorts of stories aren’t told here :: because so-and-so doesn’t want to end up on what’s-his-name’s shit list … and would never talk to the fake robot if s/he was worried about being quoted {or mentioned} on this crazy site.

You follow dummies?

Like my first mention of The Syndicate :: out of the blue :: almost no context … as part of a rickroll to amuse the juveniles of scamworld into pasting the article link within their private scam lairs …

I used to think that success in this industry was all about getting into The Syndicate :: where prices and social value could be fixed without reference to reality.

Subtle :: sort of … speculations.

My thanks to Irwin Frank Kern for confessing to the same a few weeks later … cause that made the complicated story oh so much easier to tell.

Or like when I editorialized :: before Utah’s {one-party-stateRepublican primaries … that John Swallow was likely part of a government protection racket … 

Nah :: that right there … was a shakedown.

Less subtle :: but still … speculations.

Utah didn’t respect my speculative authoritah {natch!} :: and the results of Mr. Swallow’s trouncing of his nearest Republican rival … have been pretty effing hilarious.

Here are some things I’ve learned about scamworld …

a) nothing is too crazy to be part of the story

b) nothing is too dark to be part of the story

c) it’s almost always safe to assume things are much worse than you think :: no matter how far down the rabbit hole you’ve fallen … things are still much worse.

The Ginger King is burying gold and sliver in the desert? No :: too crazy … too Pirates of the Caribbean meets Glengarry Glen Ross. But yeah.

It’s okay to be rape-ish? Sure.

Pedophiles? No problem.

Dead people? Whatevs.

The Utah boiler room cartels running drugs {and money} for those other {much more bloody} cartels? I long made the mistake of wanting to believe no :: but it’s looking increasingly like I should believe yes

An associate and neighbor of indicted St. George businessman Jeremy Johnson has been arrested on allegations he conspired to distribute a large quantity of marijuana.

Jason T. Vowell was arrested Thursday in St. George by agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration.

Arrested at almost the same time was Chris Sunyich, a member of a family sued in January for allegedly charging consumers’ credit cards without their approval or knowledge.

Always deeper :: always darker … a bottomless pit of despair.


The scam cartel ♥’s the drug cartel story has been bubbling just below the surface here for years :: but recently it’s been really working itself into a full froth … so as of the next paragraph I’m going to start publicly speculating about how it might pertain to my various dirtbag enemies.

Ready :: set … speculate.

At the end of 2011 :: long before Bill Ackman made people {sort of} care about something people don’t care about {fraud against poor people} … The New York Times ran a series about America’s Drug Enforcement Agency laundering money for the drug cartels. It sounds like a bad fucking idea :: because it totally is one … but don’t worry cause there were “rules” involved.

Another former agency official, who asked not to be identified speaking publicly about delicate operations, said, “My rule was that if we are going to launder money, we better show results. Otherwise, the D.E.A. could wind up being the largest money launderer in the business, and that money results in violence and deaths.”

As a “result” of the DEA’s money laundering :: everyone in the world stopped wanting to use drugs … and America and her allies were completely victorious in the long running War on Drugs.


… or something.

Actually :: {not} funny story :: the drug trade was wholly unaffected by the government’s typically delusional actions … and 50,000 people have been murdered in Mexico since 2006.

Good times.

We did arrest one dude though :: Harold Mauricio Poveda-Ortega {aka The Rabbit} … so that’s cool … hopefully most of the bloodshed in the drug war has been his fault. Here he is in Reuters :: looking rather outgunned …


Some of The Rabbit’s extradition documents were attained by a Mexican magazine :: who shared them with the NYT … where they formed the basis of the second Times article about the DEA’s semi-insane covert ops.

The more the money flowed, the stronger the relationship became between the informants and the traffickers. In one candid conversation, the traffickers boasted about who was able to move the biggest loads of money, the way fishermen brag about their catches. One said he could easily move $4 million to $5 million a month. Then the others spoke about the tricks of the trade, including how they had used various methods, including prepaid debit cards and an Herbalife account, to move the money.

Launder money now … ask me how!

Herbalife accounts are one of the tricks of the money laundering trade?

O – M – G :: that makes perfect fucking sense of one of the most baffling parts of Herbalife’s operation … their unexplainably outsized performance in Mexico.

Sales from HLF’s Mexican business :: reported at $800 million in 2012 :: rival that of their North American business … which should not be possible for obvious reasons. But $800 million is peanuts compared to the estimated $25 billion in drug monies that flow across the border each year.

Here’s a map of Herbalife “Nutrition Clubs” by country …


… you notice anything fucking ludicrous about that map?

It’s really too bad that the asshole white guy most responsible for bringing Herbalife to Mexico :: was just found shot dead in his truck … cause I’d really have loved to ask him a couple of fake robotic questions about doing the laundry.

>> bleep bloop

20 thoughts on “Herbalife’s Mexican Laundromat”

  1. May I be the first to say that this article has the highest Holy F*ck(TM) quotient of anything I’ve ever read here.

  2. … you notice anything fucking ludicrous about that map?

    I looked. Yes, Batman. Yes I do notice something fucking ludicrous about that map.

    I will be Captain Obvious now for can’t-think people: Mexico’s total number of centers is 30,550. The next closest is the U.S. with a mere 9,006 by comparison. None of the others are even remotely close.

    Here’s another way to look at it: the bottom right-corner of the map says “We are ONE of 70,000”. So if that’s 70,000 nutrition clubs in the whole world, then almost half of all of them that exist are in MEXICO.

    @SD, two of the things that you said above fit together in a not-obvious, yet logical way:

    Herbalife accounts are one of the tricks of the money laundering trade?

    [and earlier]
    c) it’s almost always safe to assume things are much worse than you think :: no matter how far down the rabbit hole you’ve fallen … things are still much worse.

    The thing these, and Herbalife, and all of Scamworld have in common is: SEEKRETS. Not fake seekrit knowledge secrets, but dark, icky, dirty secrets that MUST be kept secret at all costs lest Oprah, Frank Kern, Amway, former mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and the rest of the Sick Machine be revealed in all its corpulent awfulness (Trapper Keeper 2000, South Park). We can’t have that!

    So.. what I mean is–kinda like mold starting off from two different locations in a dank basement, over time, it all sort of grows together. No checks and balances, nothing to keep people honest. Just the opposite in fact–incentives both stated and not stated all designed to ensure continuing secrecy. And some guy at a party’s like “gosh I sure could stand to have a way to get a lot of money from XX to YY without people getting suspicious.” and then the Herbalife guy’s like, “hey we have to do that crap all the time! Ask me how.” And thus a partnership is born.

    Bad stuff that hurts people needs secrecy in order for it to continue to function. So, that common need, plus the common goal, means there’s a force of {wait for it} Attraction between all these disparate Evil Things.

    So–Herbalife and maybe Utah boiler rooms in on the drug trade? For a second it sounds crazy yeah. But then maybe it’s not so crazy. Maybe it’s just natural–like peanut butter and jelly.

    Furry cows moo and decompress.

  3. Absolutely fantastic. SD: you’ve nailed it. Love the map. It’s so damn obvious it’s a cartoon that is so extreme that it makes you laugh. Except it’s not a cartoon. And there’s nothing to laugh about.

    This story will / must be picked up by the mainstream.

    Herbalife’s defense was rather like the slum landlord who charges exhorbitant rent from drug dealers who live and operate from his property: “well they might pay me, but that does not make me a drug dealer?” All those wretched scammy pyramid scheme creators, making money illegally for Herbalife, but Herbalife is *not* responsible, because the company has *no responsibility* for the way in which it’s *independent* distributors act. And Herbalife thinks it is *so* well protected by the 250 page independent distributor contract.

    Now Herbalife can also *not* be responsible for the murderous blood soaked mind destroying drug cartels and Herbalife can have *no* responsibility for their laundering their drug profits via their fraulent and fake business structure.

    Or perhaps not. Maybe even the corrupt and useless in the corridors of power realise that this buck cannot be passed. They have to take action.

    Ichan: you cant make money on this one. Sell now. Or are you too far in? Are the blood baths in the Mexican villages and countryside going to be mirrored in a financial bloodbath in Wall Street – with you being the victim? Hmmmm….

    And I would have to agree with M2’s comment.

      1. @SD,

        Presumably, Icahn’s go-to defense, if he ever needs to use it, will be that he thought Herbalife was a company operated with integrity and all that s—. Also, of course, they’re all independent distributors, how could Herbalife Corporate possibly be held accountable? etc. etc. ad nauseam.

        Icahn’s future quote (I’m pretending):

        “I was misinformed.” …

        “I thought they were just a nutritional shake mix company.” …

        “It’s all his fault.” [points some random dude high up in Herbalife]

      2. @SD,

        …and this is the supposedly free market. In fact nothing more than criminals with behind the scenes shenanigans to meddle with share prices to guarantee themselves a profit. Ichan only got onto the Herbalife board to force share re-purchases to prop up the price – that’s a guess.

        But with the Alphavilles of this world also starting to say helpful stuff like

        “HLF may generate $600 million in free cashflow next year. Alternatively, it may not. Recall, 2 million distributors are resigning every year. Last quarter, 700,000 resigned. Continued growth is no certainty.”

        … it looks like Ichan is well and truly trussed up, and Herbalife is going down.

        1. @Random stuff, It could not have happened to a nicer guy, huh? Icahn has done so much to promote the commonweal of our great nation! Or not!

  4. Makes perfect sense… if the whole global operation was propped up with drug money it wouldn’t be surprising. Not surprising at all.
    I have never actually seen an Herbalife product…
    It’s a strange shadowy company when you think about it.

  5. Wow…….Even if you take Mexico out of the equation the cocaine producing nations of Central and South America seem to be ultra-concerned with losing weight and securing financial independence. The UK with a population of sixty Million has one Herbalife centre while El Salvador has 45 centres servicing six Million inhabitants……not far off the whole of Europe. It’s an “interesting” business model that they’ve adopted.

  6. John Peterson @Herbalife @Michael Johnson –
    Saving you seats at my table in hell. #BYOBlow&Leads.

  7. This article and comments remmember me the motion picture “FREAKS”, what a bounch of stupid maniacs!

  8. Salty – do you know if there have been any developments on this angle? In particular, did “The Rabbit” explain how he used the Herbalife accounts or if those Herbalife clubs served another purpose, i.e. as a location to store illicit inventory or to pay underlings, etc.

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