Scribe SEO :: the first two words of this post are Scribe and SEO.  It doesn’t make that much sense.

Remember when I already used this photo?

Its file name is :: copyblogger-sonia-simone-brian-clark.jpg

What a lame and stupid file name. Back in the before time :: it would have had a fucking awesome name like …

  • awkward-moments.jpg
  • dumpy-love.jpg
  • touching-more-than-the-hem.jpg

… delicious! Those are file names you can believe in god damn it.

But then some of you conformist pussies were all like :: “use your title and image tags more effectively and you’ll rank better”.  And I was all like :: “fuck you dirt bags! :: did I ask for your stupid advice?”

Still :: goodish points … and conformists are EVERYWHERE so it’s hard to resist them {like zombies!}.

Alternate title tags :: meta descriptions :: image naming :: anchor text :: in-site linking :: site indexing :: clean URL’s … all probably worth doing … and super easy. Perhaps someday :: like when hell freezes over and gets covered by chocolate milk and magical peanut butter :: I’ll consider considering the terrible possibility of modifying my actual writing in ANY mother fucking way in order to please an algorithm that doesn’t laugh at my jokes.

Scribe SEO scam SEO Scribe

But maybe your writing is boring as shit like Brian Clark’s.  Or maybe your writing is shitty as shit like Brian Clark’s.  Or maybe your writing is about how you can make money with writing about writing about how you can make money with writing etc … shittily … like Brian Clark.  Or maybe you wouldn’t recognize inspiration if it was currently blowing you … like Brian Clark.  Or maybe your writing is less interesting than the average Sony owner’s manual … like Brian Clark’s.

Wait :: what was I talking about?

Oh yeah :: modifying your content based on SEO keyword best practices. It’s a totally awesome thing to do if you aren’t a writer :: and don’t care about writing :: or about unimportant things like “readers” … fuck um! … who needs readers when you can have long tail impressions with sub 1% CTRs? Am I right people?

Internet Money!

I’ve been a success telling others about my success … and you can too!

Scribe SEO

When is NOW the right time to increase traffic at the push of a magical button?

Scribe SEO is a turd product of Copyblogger Media.  Copyblogger Media :: helping uninspired writers become even more uninspired …

“Scribe analyzes your natural, reader-focused content, and tells you how to gently tweak it to spoon feed search engines based on 15 SEO best practices.”

Scribe is “SEO Made Simple”.  One of the especially simple things about it is how it doesn’t help you with the organization or structure of your site as a whole … but rather focuses on the simple task of mathematically recommending words to force into your “reader-focused” content. Your readers will appreciate how you took the time to ignore their humanity.

Anywayz :: who cares? Obviously not me … Content Analyze This {the finger}!

But maybe some people are more about e-commerce :: and less about WebGonzo™. Might these people benefit from Scribe SEO?  Apparent New Zealander :: and possible Highlander :: Lis Sowerbutts wrote an honest review of Scribe for people interested in these commerce type things …

Scribe SEO – My Review of Brian Clark’s Scribe Service

“Scribe SEO will do a worse job of telling you what your keywords are than the many free tools out there.  Or look at where you search traffic is coming from and write more on those keywords. Keywords aren’t a science – they are an art.”

For realz!

“Brian Clark is not afraid to charge a lot for his products and services – Teaching Sells is a good example of that. However his pricing for his latest offering staggers belief.”

Really? Try me :: I’m all but unstaggerable at this point …

“The pricing for Scribe SEO is at the time of writing:

$27/month for 30 evaluations in the month – that’s 30 presses of the “analyse” button not thirty posts or pages;

$47/month for 120 evaluations in the month

$97/month for 300 evaluations in the month”

What the fuck?  Are you seriously? Color me staggered!

A monthly membership fee for a button you can’t push? Calling that a scam would kind of be a compliment.

“Is Scribe SEO a scam? – NO it appears to be trying to do what it claims.”

It’s working for the four people giving testimonials on the sales page :: like Johnny Truant who says …

“I used to say that as soon as someone could put the search engine stuff right in front of my face so I couldn’t miss it, made it idiotically simple to use, and took out all of the keyword-counting and artificial guesswork — that would be the day I’d start to pay attention to SEO.

Then came Scribe, and suddenly I’m doing the SEO thing.”

Beautiful.  Full disclosure :: Johnny Truant writes for Copyblogger on a weekly basis … so he’s either an employee or a professional ass licker … either way his “testimonial” is about as valuable as burnt toast.

Membership in the “expensive button of the month” club is also delivering for Sean Platt …

“When I’m creating search optimized content for clients, two things make the difference – efficiency and effectiveness. Scribe gives me both and makes me more money.

If you’re serious about delivering quality SEO copy, it makes sense to use Scribe.”

Unfortunately for full disclosure … Sean Platt also writes for Copyblogger … but you can’t argue with the quality of the SEO Copy on his own hit sites … like this bit from Potty Training Power!

“The potty training process is fraught with emotion; highs lows and all sorts of sideways. Parents at this time can vacillate between happy and sad, angry and hopeful.

Don’t worry. It’s all part of the process. Understanding this can clip miles from the otherwise endless feeling potty training road.”

Okay then … I’m just gonna pretend like I didn’t see that.

Back to Sowerbutts …

“Is Scribe a good product? NO – it appears to be very light on features for the price offered. The core of the product’s functionality is the keyword analysis and this appears deeply flawed 2/10

Is Scribe SEO worth the money? – NO its extremely overpriced for what its offering. 0/10″

Ouch! :: but fair. Anything other than a 0/10 would have led to more dead kittens and puppies {seriously!}.

In the two previous Droid posts about Copyblogger :: Brian Clark was …

a) not printing mildly dissenting comments from notoriously unmild dissenters

b) shamefully deleting posts in which he was shilling for The Syndicate

… so I’m sure he took this Sowerbutts zero-of-ten criticism in his slow and boring stride.

Copyblogger’s Brian Clark in the comments …

“Lissie, a quick review of your archives shows you attacks everything I put out, so I’m not sure anyone but your 367 fans will view this as objective.”

Well maybe :: objectively :: everything you put out is total horse shit … think about it. Oh and Clark … the testimoanials on your sales page are from people who have non-disclosed affiliations with your shit fucking joke of a web site. Objectivity? Hypocrite much?

“Also, I read your meta description of this post, and it says the opposite of your on-page conclusion regarding “scam.” I’d advise you change that, or our next conversation will be about libel.”

Oh noes!  Such big boy threats. That reminds me of the threats I was issued by Copyblogger Media after publicly scalding Clark’s cat crap.  Oh wait … that didn’t happen. I guess it’s harder to get off on intimidating robots.  How very fucking manly of dickless twitbag Brian Clark.

Scribe SEO sucks Hitler’s missing ball {sue me asshole!}.

The dickless {allegedly} prick {allegedly} continues {definitely} …

“You’re just ignorant and dangerous when it comes to SEO. I feel sorry for people who take your advice on anything.”

Well that’s a strange reason to suddenly develop emotions … me doubts you.

“And as far as threats go, no threats. Just a promise. You can attack me based on your misguided opinions all you want, but this is twice now you’ve crossed the line into defamation (the first was your Teaching Sells “review” where you defame the course even though you never joined or saw the content). I’m uniquely positioned not to take abuse that crosses the legal line from you, and you’re about to find out what life is like in the real world of business.”

The real world of business?  You mean shilling Syndicate products and magic buttons using trumped up social proof and distasteful dissent repression?

“Publishing” is all that’s required for a libel case… no new ground to break there. I can take everything Lissie owns, which is nothing.”

That’s cool. A completely undisguised :: deeply personal :: attack whose not-so-coded message is the ScamTown party line –> only failures criticize pyrite turds.

Brian calls himself a “recovering attorney” in his Copyblogger Bio. He seems to be recovering from the “knowledge of :: and respect for :: the law” part of lawyering quite nicely :: while managing to maintain the “autistic prick who only cares about himself” part. Job well done.

BTW :: defamation of a self-proclaimed public figure requires more than publishing a lie … you gotz to have Actual Malice … meaning you knew for sure that it was a lie and you published it anyway.

Not-Doctor Harlan Kilstein saying that I published a story accusing him of murdering his daughter = actual malice.

Kiwi Lis Sowerbutts stating her honest opinion that piece of shit Scribe SEO is a zero-of-ten = most def NOT actual malice … and probably dead on accurate.

But why should the facts get in the way of something as fun as self-masturbatory threat making?

Sprint to the finish …

“You don’t have any experience. You’re a fool leading fools. Thanks for the documented evidence I will never link to (in case that’s what you’re hoping for).”

I also smell a fool :: but I see a Lis Sowerbutts bravely speaking her mind … and then courageously {and professionally} standing up to a belligerent bastard bully. It’s the little things that matter :: but being an isolated voice of dissent is not a little thing :: it’s a big thing :: and big things also matter.

Lis won’t be getting any links from Brian Clark’s has-been frauduct flogging website … but she just got one {two!} from me. You can’t ass kiss :: or cross promote :: or beg :: or buy :: or JV your way into a link on this kickass site. You gotz to do something brave :: you gotz to risk consequences.

Of course :: if you’re not ready to be brave then there are other more traditional ways to “get linked” around here. Like for instance :: you can line your pockets with Syndicate money and then refuse to own up to your mistakes.  You can form a cult of personality and then fleece your flock. You can shape yourself like a pyramid. You can attempt to repress the speech of dissenters. Or you can do all of the above.

Lots of dirty mother fuckers fit right into the shape of Brian Clark’s dark shadow … and these Droid v. Copyblogger posts are causing stress. How tragic {begin tiny violin} …

For whom the bell tolls …

For whom the bell tolls …

The preceding ominous literary illusion is brought to you courtesy of my NOT using …

Scribe SEO

>> bleep bloop